From a Rogue Mind

oh well

2009-04-09T19:10:00.001-04:00

sorry blogger.

i don't have time for you anymore.

i only have time to tumbl.

http://pap3rtig3r.tumblr.com/ is where i'm hanging out now.

maybe i'll come back here. maybe someday...

your eyes

2009-03-24T17:37:00.002-04:00

very often i am surprised by what people think of me.

other people think better of me than i think of myself.

which is ok. that's cool.

but i don't really understand why.

i don't know what they see about me or in me.

some people i feel like i barely know and they say nice things about me and i just wonder to myself how they see that.

i don't get it.

not complaining, but i dont get it.

i wonder what it would be like to see myself through someone elses eyes. i really would like to try that.

sorry blogger, i've been really neglecting you.

too busy. so busy. maybe when school is done i'll write more.

probably.

it's coming

2009-03-16T15:07:00.002-04:00

it is SO nice outside today.

i caught a scent on the breeze that instantly took me back to last summer, with a cookout over at E4.

those were such good days.

those tuesdays before his house when i'd get a text saying something like "bugers at my place around 5:30 if you want."

i can't wait for summer. just this nice weather is enough to remind me of everything pleasant about the coming season. it's enough to motivate me and make me feel like i can actually finish all of my homework that's been stacking up.

(btw, it's "summer" as soon as the semester is over)

waking up with the sun shining happily in the sky and the birds singing outside my window is enough to make me want to get out of bed instead of rolling over and trying to hide from the day. it's great.

i can't wait to do things outside. i want to ride my bike places. i want to run around. kick a ball. throw a frisbee. hackey sack.

i've got this list of fun things to do and luckily i also have the coolest girl ever to do everything with.

despite everything, i cannot help but be optimistic.

i can't wait for summer's embrace.

time

2009-03-10T10:24:00.002-04:00

time.

i spent a lot of time feeling hopelessly devoted to girls.

not a lot of them.

but a few, in the past.

i always thought of them and how i could wrap my world into theirs, cutting out any pieces necessary to make myself fit with them.

i was always in danger of sacrificing too much.

i wanted every minute i could spare to be spent with them.

and also the minutes i could not spare.

in the end i just felt like i cared more about it than they did.

i fell harder.

luckily God held my hand the whole time.

i may have looked away from Him, but i at least didn't let go.

now, as it seems, there's this girl who is crazy about me.

it's the strangest thing, you know?

because i'm crazy about her, and in that i understand her feelings.

it's odd.

it's good, no doubt.

but i feel like it's something i've never come across before.

i don't think you can know what right feels like until you've felt it.

and this just feels right.

and i love every minute of it. all of the time.

time.

yesterday at real men, aj asked me some questions because i volunteered to talk. it was good. i'm a big believer in the idea that if you do as God asks you to and take care of other people and serve them and do God's will, then God will provide for you, take care of you. i've seen it happen plenty of times in my own life. but i seem to have a hard time getting into reading my bible, in carving out time to spend with God. i feel like i'm too busy and have so many things to do all thet ime. AJ made me realize that i haven't been applying my belief to this situation. if i make time to spend with God, won't he bless my time spent elsewhere and make sure i'm taken care of?

yes. yes i think He will.

so starting right now, i'm going to make time to spend reading and praying. i've certainly been blessed with far more than i deserve. the least i can do is spend a little bit of my day doing things that show my thanks.

yeah

2009-03-09T01:15:00.002-04:00

this is not a "summary of spring break" blog post.

i'll probably have one later.

i just wanted to mention that when i actually get to talk about everything i've done over the past day or week or anything, i feel much less like writing about it all.

i think i just really want to tell my stories to somebody, and when somebody asks me about what i've done and they really care to hear about it all, i feel less like i have to tell these pages, writing these lines of text.

it's nice, really.

also, my spring break isn't over yet.

but i've got a heck of a lot of work to get done.

and noellen is here for the week, which is cool.

and btw i'm in love and it's the best thing ever.

yeah? yeah.

bye bye

2009-02-27T15:52:00.002-05:00

i'm leaving for florida.

i'll be back sunday the 8th. sometime around noon, if things go as planned.

no internets there. i'll probably update twitter a little via phone.

i'm trusting that my family won't fall farther apart while i'm gone.

please God?

and i'll be missing that girl that i've grown so attached to.

i don't even have any pictures to take with me!

i didn't think about that...

i'll keep my eyes to the stars.

and i'll probably have something to say when i get back.

it'll have been long enough then right?

farewell.

writing

2009-02-25T09:47:00.002-05:00

i don't blog as much when i've got somebody to talk to about the things i think about. i just like sharing what's on my mind and usually once i've shared it i feel good about it and don't really need to write it out.

quickly though, here's some things i've been up to:

-soccer is done for a bit, maybe my ankle will get better now

-watched Wrist Cutters: A Love Story, and liked it. Alex and Taylor, good recommendation.

-got GIANT donuts from Sarah. srsly, these things are huge. I told emo about them and when he actually saw them he was surprised at how big they actually were.

-been greatly enjoying the company of a super awesome beautiful girl that just so happens to call me her boyfriend.

-watched Hot Rod. Ultimate Punch! yes.

-friday i'm leaving for Florida with His House. i'm really looking forward to it and it's going to be amazing and awesome and fun but i will miss a certain girl back home here. oh well, it will only be that much better when i see her again.

that's all, time to go to work.

speaking of work, thanks Scott, for saying i have good writing.

peace out yo. :)

2009-02-21T20:48:00.002-05:00

there were many times today when i thought i caught the scent of strawberries drifting past me and i looked around every time.

i guess having somebody to miss means that you will miss them at some point. haha.

but really, this isn't so bad.

today was good, as was yesterday, and the transition from yesterday into today was good too. got like 2 hours or so of sleep. woke up early to go check in with the dog i'm kinda taking care of for the weekend. that dog and i were getting along fine the last time i saw him. now he hates me. i got bit, and therefore bled (not a lot). i tried to use pretzels to plead my case with the dog, but he wouldn't have any of that. well, he would have the pretzels, but it didn't seem to help our relationship much. i had to use a pretzel to trick him into going outside.

later on when i visited him after work, things went better. dog treats helped. i didn't get bit. i played around with him, chased him in circles around a chair. there were still a lot of uneasy moments though, like the awkward silence + eye contact that can happen between people who are still a little unsure of each other.

and then i had an epic fail moment. the passenger side rearview mirror on my car is currently hanging useless on the side of my car and i'm an idiot. i think some duct tape will fix this though. fix the mirror, not the idiot part.

but still, still... so much to be thankful for.

i was thinking of la dispute songs while pushing carts around in the snow (which btw is really difficult). i stole the syncopation from a song or two of theirs to write some words in my head. these words are sometimes called lyrics.

and then the storm reared it's horns in the darkness,

and bared it's teeth within the wailing of the wind.

a siren's song calls you to sleep among the black waves,

but i will die before i let them take you in.

yes i will try, though it may tear me limb from limb.

---------

we'll see. i see a story of a ship in stormy seas there.

i need to get going on some homework before i fall asleep. need to wake up earlier than a usual sunday so i can stop by the dog again. really, i don't mind, i like helping out. btw the dog's name is Dakota, but i don't think it's spelled that way. this is why i didn't use his name until now, because i didn't want to do it wrong. oh well.

please

2009-02-21T06:02:00.001-05:00

dear God, please don't let me ever, ever take this girl for granted.

i would never want to mess things up.

i am really happy.

yes

2009-02-20T04:11:00.003-05:00

today i wore my favorite thrice shirt.

today i wore my favorite thrice jacket.

i was planning on today being one of my favorite days.

my preparations were well placed.

i'm goin' steady with the coolest girl i know.

still not quite sure how i lucked out on this one.... but i'm happy.

really happy.

thanks

2009-02-19T08:11:00.002-05:00

this is post #350.

is that significant? i don't think it is.

it's currently 8:12am, and there's no way i'd usually be up writing at this hour. my 7:45am class was cancelled today, but nobody knew about it until we were already sitting in the class, wondering/hoping if it was cancelled. i think i might go get some more sleep shortly, we'll see.

i thought of something on the very chilly walk to class though.

it's only over the past year that i've been really starting to learn what love is. and i definitely do not mean just bf/gf kind of love.

i've always been awkward around love, even the true, caring, friendship kind of love. i don't know why. but there's been a few good friends that have helped show me what it's like to love your friend truly as a brother or sister. i appreciate that a lot.

thanks AJ, Taylor, Kelley, Nick. you guys are first that come to mind. it's not only your interactions with me that i've learned from, but just how you live with the people around you.

i've got to say, right now i'm probably the best i've ever been.

if nothing else, i'm at least the oldest i've ever been.

good things

2009-02-18T02:29:00.004-05:00

today was full of good things.

i got to share music i liked with my music listening class. (judgement day and thrice)

good meeting at JCS about the video. (they'll be paying steve and i soon)

subway for lunch

i got some homework accomplished.

dub trio is next month. phew

i got a package from noellen in the mail. (loop pedal + kettle pops)

(i just realized i forgot to do something)

i rode with AJ to His House

i was at HH (suited up, yo)

found a $20 applebees gift card in my suit pocket

the pub

i rode back with Sarah.

the office, heroes, ice pirates

hug goodbye.

it was a really good day.

"hello" is a good time for a hug too.

i feel like i failed when i don't have something to say. sometimes. but i think that's ridiculous of me to think such things.

i didn't realize how much i wanted all of this.

i'm happier, despite all there is that could drag me down.

i think too much. :)

candle burning

2009-02-16T11:38:00.003-05:00

what would they all think if i didn't make it?

if i gave up now?

i made it really far...

this isn't my dream anymore, and it's hard to be motivated.

no, i can't give up though. and i can do it.

i'm just getting burned out.

i need this spring break badly.

a week where i don't think of homework and school will be a blessed week indeed.

everything just feels....

2009-02-16T02:07:00.001-05:00

RIGHT.

near and far

2009-02-14T18:32:00.003-05:00

though my dad's new house is only a two minute drive away from the old, it's still miles away from the home i used to know.

the boy with the brave faces threw his masks into the sea

"i'll hide nothing from you, i'll keep nothing for me"

i helped my dad move stuff from the old house to the new one today.

i'm being a little dramatic. i apologize.

positives:

-dogs

-pasta

-Takeru Kobayashi vs a Bear

-star wars episode 3

-strawberry

-mountain children

-not sleeping. like... at all.

all smiles

2009-02-12T01:06:00.002-05:00

dear dad,

i'm excited about the new house you're getting. thanks for having us go to applebees. if i had a stupid smile on my face while you were talking, i'm sorry, but i had a good reason.

love, jarrod.

-------------

and today was so good.

-costco (yeah schedule change)

-panera

-ddr

-smash bros

-wii bowling (i turned pro ftw)

-ice pirates (lulz and fail)

-soccer

-applebees

and all with one really awesome girl.

couldn't have been better.

right now i have this song stuck in my head.

and i don't even know the words.

i just want to play that riff.

faces

2009-02-11T09:51:00.002-05:00

if you have no face, you have no fear.

it makes sense if you think of the term "save face."

if you don't have to prove anything to anybody, you don't have to care what they think.

no-face made me think of it.

deep breaths

2009-02-08T23:03:00.002-05:00

i think maybe sometimes things get to me more than i even realize.

i'm trying to calm myself down now.

i called my brother because i wanted to talk to him but he didn't answer. he was probably asleep because he has school tomorrow.

my heart was beating too fast and i layed down and said i could lay there and maybe take a nap and i'll just set my alarm for about a half hour away but it didn't really work. i just laid there and felt my heart beating too much and i tried to breathe slow but it didn't feel like it was helping. i was ok for a little while when i was daydreaming but i didn't fall asleep for a nap.

the problem is that i'm supposed to be doing my homework but i'm trying to do it and i forgot how and nothing seems familiar about it. i want to do it but i can't remember and it seems too big and it's frustrating and i actually don't want to do it.

but the real problem is probably that everything with my family bothers me more than i even let myself know.

the whole family is never together anymore and i miss that and i don't want it to stay this way.

today my dad told me that he's moving into a house. he's getting a new house and it's not far away at all and there's room for the whole family in it if things get back together. and we'd have cody back too. and that's good news, really good. it means arif doesn't have to find a place to stay so he can keep his job.

and maybe it's because i'm tired but i just feel overwhelmed. all i wanted to do was talk to west.

this might be difficult to explain.

i don't let myself be weak.

or maybe i just don't let weakness be an excuse for me.

if there's something i'm supposed to do, i'm supposed to do it even if it's hard for me, unreasonably hard.

that's why when i'm sick i feel bad and guilty about calling in sick to work.

that's why when i rolled my ankle real bad i didn't complain when they put me on carts because i didn't want to be giving an excuse for not doing what was expected of me, even if i had a good reason why i shouldn't.

that's why when i feel like i'm having a minor breakdown and i can't figure out how to do my homework and i'm frustrated and i'm upset... i still feel like i absolutely have to do my homework and there's no suitable excuse for not doing it. my chest is tight and i can still feel my heart beating. i get sad in waves.

i apologize for the emo. i don't like doing that.

i see and spend time with my family more than ever right now, but i still miss them.

i thought writing might help a little.

but i just wanted to talk to my brother.

the plan

2009-02-08T20:21:00.002-05:00

on the way home from work i stopped at 7 11.

got two rockstars and an arizona.

i don't like rockstar that much, but it's ok enough that i'll drink it and bad enough that it keeps me more awake trying to drink it.

i've got a lot of homework to do.

it was worth putting it off, but now comes the hard part.

so i'm going to have some dinner, but not a lot because i don't want it to make me more tired. once i start getting real sleepy, i'll down the first rockstar. next time i get real tired, i'll go take a shower. that should all hold me over until the morning. class is at 9. second rockstar goes down during class. after class we'll have to see if i crash or can get myself to still do more homework.

i'm actually going to try to get everything done before the weekend this coming week.

hah, we'll see.

down, set, go.

good morning

2009-02-07T04:54:00.002-05:00

it's just past 5am.

i'm working at the other costco tomorrow.

i look forward to encountering a very grumpy manager i've heard about that likes to talk down to people. or i don't. not sure which.

i am glad i have always played soccer.

bed time is now time.

only getting better

2009-02-06T01:47:00.002-05:00

these cookies are amazing.

i cleaned my room today.

i could do with throwing out a lot of the stuff i have.

and i made my bed (what is there of it atm).

i don't even remember the last time i made my bed.

i made up something on guitar that sounds very similar to the mortal kombat theme. i was actually trying to copy it but i don't think i got it right so i'll call it my own i suppose.

seeing as i recently just purchased some of my TDWP music back, i figure i'll post my favorite of their songs. i can play it all on guitar, and if anybody else can learn the drums and bass and other guitar, it would please me to jam this out.

if it wasn't for the neighbors and roommates, i'd blast this song right now. i'm just feeling pretty metal, that's all. in a good way. real good.

and my favorite part is that these guys all love Jesus.

someday...someday i'll play on stage.

slacking

2009-02-04T09:21:00.002-05:00

listening to: The Fall of Troy - Nostalgic Mannerisms

lately i haven't felt the compulsion to post like i usually do.

oh well. :)

i had a dream last night, in which one of my professors was telling me i need to do my homework. i must feel guilty about not doing homework or something.

also in the dream, for a minute it looked like all the stars were falling across the sky. it was quite beautiful.

i need to find time to read.

i have assigned reading that i can barely seem to do.

maybe if i walked away from the computer sometime it'd be easier. hmm... what a thought.

i started Irresistible Revolution forever ago and still have not finished it. and i need to read The Shack too and i'm sure i've got some other books lying around someplace that i've been meaning to read.

i used to have so much time.

ah well.

work time is soon.

must prepare.

farewell.

truthfully

2009-02-03T02:34:00.002-05:00

i haven't been quite this excited in a long time.

and to top it off, nick finally broke up with his girlfriend.

i hope she doesn't do anything dumb.

way to go though bro, you finally did it.

2009-02-02T06:26:00.001-05:00

done with all that's due in the morning.

still have to do some stuff that's due by evening time.

it is 6:27am.

i'm going to bed.

update 1

2009-02-02T03:32:00.002-05:00

at approximately 3:25 am the caffeine kicked in.

that feels better.

this stuff has like, 4 times the caffeine of a cup of coffee?

i think that's accurate.

almost done with Special FX homework.

moving on to Digital Simulation after that.

fast music helps. like Horse the Band's Birdo.

"throw it back!"

and tonight

2009-02-01T23:44:00.001-05:00

the time is now 11:45.

it's just me, my loads of homework(due tomorrow), and 2 cans of Bawls.

let's do this.

(leeeerooooooyyyyyyyy)

you win

2009-02-01T00:40:00.002-05:00

ok Beatles.

you win.

i like you.

i can't get enough of the Em to B7 in I Want To Hold Your Hand.

i'm going to cover that song.

when i have the time.

i am SO behind on homework.

/wrists

i might not sleep sunday night into monday.

but if i get it all done, it will have been worth it i think.

sincerely

2009-01-31T03:58:00.003-05:00

all of the words i'd use to describe today would be synonyms to "awesome."

and the sunday school class i lead is now officially called The Fellowship.

life is good.

that's all.

injury report

2009-01-29T00:15:00.002-05:00

subject: jarrod

status: good

ankle: healing. better than it's been in a week.

expect full recovery if he can make it through friday without a reinjury.

new injury: thumb is slightly purple and doesn't bend at full normal(for jarrod) capacity. texting performance down 40%.

jarrod, don't be stupid while playing soccer next time.

end of file.

words

2009-01-27T01:56:00.002-05:00

i say a lot and a little.

too much and nothing at all.

it just depends on the day.

i already thought out lines. words to say how tonight i felt like a child, so much so that i almost cried like one, but my hands aren't so small anymore, they're not so little when holding my dad's hand.

i don't need to write all the things i thought of writing though.

just that what i did was hard.

and what i have to do yet is harder.

but i have to do it. and i know it.

and so i will.

please God, give me vision to see the truth and the courage to stand beside it.

"good God, can you still get us home?"

fine kelley

2009-01-26T15:44:00.002-05:00

http://pap3rtig3r.tumblr.com

it's there. time will reveal the usage it gets. i'll try.

silent sea of storms

2009-01-25T22:49:00.002-05:00

i don't want to tell you because i don't want you to feel sad on my behalf.

being hurt physically is one thing.

you can have surgery.

you can get a cast.

you can be in a wheelchair or have crutches.

or you can limp.

and people see that and they know.

and they can sign your cast.

or send you cards.

or ask you how you're healing.

it's obvious that something is broken.

or hurting.

but it's different with feelings.

with your mind.

your insides.

not everyone can see it.

they don't know something is wrong.

they don't know to ask how you're doing.

(really ask how you're doing).

there's no sign that the pain is gone.

or you're better now.

or that you were hurt in the first place.

there's no bandage for your heart.

and i need to decide how i'm going to deal with this.

God, it's not over yet. You can still fix this.

Please fix this.

at work they just thought i was tired today.

and i am.

ugh

2009-01-24T11:45:00.002-05:00

i am afraid of starting my capstone final project.

i'm trying to start it right now.

well, right now i'm avoiding trying to start it.

it just seems so big and suddenly i feel like i know nothing.

i just want to play guitar.

practice guitar.

write music.

learn violin (taught by anna phoebe of course)

that's what i really want.

if this stuff i'm going to school for isn't also a hobby for me, it makes it a lot harder to do.

ah well. i better go get to work. start drawing some stick figures.

i lessthanthree soccer

2009-01-24T03:00:00.002-05:00

listening to: La Dispute - Damaged Goods

"So we escape to our mistakes for the wait patiently for us.

Oh, how they always wait for me."

i wish i wasn't injured so i could play soccer better.

i do enjoy it so.

while sitting on the bench watching the game after mine, i had a funny conversation with west's friend steph. among other things, she informed me that she would marry me if she was my age. i have to laugh at most of the things she says, and i've barely talked with the girl.

my brother got hurt pretty bad in the game i was watching him play. ankle again. darn ankles, they don't make them like they used to i guess.

whelp, tonight was good.

i think i'm in for a rough ride.

fun though.

thanks la dispute, for random lines that fit.

so what

2009-01-23T00:01:00.002-05:00

oh those? just tickets to see the beatles tribute band, Rain.

do i even like the beatles?

well, i might, but i can't say so yet. because i'm not sure.

but i'll probably have a pretty good idea after the concert.

today work handed me a piece of paper that said "yes"

which means i can go on the HH spring break trip, and i'm very happy about that. looking forward to it for suuuure.

but this probably means i won't be able to go to GDC in cali this year, which means i won't get to see my bros from indiana. sad panda.

hey, if anybody out there listens to the Free Beer and Hot Wings show on WGRD, you should know that a guy i play soccer with, his name is Nate, is working at grd and he's in charge of the Best Of free beer/hotwings today and tomorrow. i heard him being harassed on the show wednesday and i didn't even realize it was him. cool.

also, this girl i work with was a junior olympian in figure skating. that's nuts! i've known her for a while now and never knew that. she got 3rd place in pairs. not bad. (she's a little bitter about it though) and she's been playing hockey for a while, up until she moved to michigan from oregon. i'm going to have to have her come out for hockey this summer. i dunno how good she is, but it would be real cool to have her show up and see her dominate. we'll see.

i'm visiting flint next week. i think chicago needs to be the next place i visit. i like my chicago friends. and miss them already.

and watch this video because it's funny. beckon the weight. lift with the thyroids.

lost

2009-01-22T01:16:00.003-05:00

it's not tumbld, but you can steal it from here and tumbl it on your own if you'd like.

nice handwriting btw.

sharpe on plastic cup is a tough medium to work with.

---------------

my head is in the clouds

but it's ok

because i'm tall and so my feet are still on the ground

it's my stomach that's the problem

stuck in the middle

feeling sick and pulled both ways

the gut doesn't know which way to go

maybe doing handstands makes it better.

this has nothing to do with that^

i am quite happy, thank you much.

watched most of the Lost season premier with a bunch of swell chums at E4 tonight. they're a cool crowd.

even though the total number of Lost episodes i've seen is less than a full season, i still enjoy the show. it's very interesting. if i watched the whole thing i think i'd like it even more. but i just started watching Reboot, so no deal.

in other news, i forgot if there were other things i wanted to write about.

so it's bedtime.

night.

again? really?

2009-01-20T01:39:00.002-05:00

when it rains, it pours.

why can't this ever be simple for me?

triangles and squares, causing a ruckus, maxing out my problems.

well, i think i'll go a different direction this time.

the similarities are funny though.

first things first.

first come, first served? ahaha, i shouldn't put it that way.

you might think i'm crazy.

you might be right.

cryptic is fun.

dreams

2009-01-19T11:24:00.003-05:00

i had a series of dreams last night, much like i predicted to happen a few nights ago. i knew my brain needed it.

i don't know if i would have remembered them as well if i hadn't have been woken up in the 7am hour, so that was good i guess.

a couple scenes i remember well.

working at a different costco:

i think this kind of stems from a new guy at work. he's the brother of courtney, a girl i used to work with, and israel, a manager who is really cool. actually, now that joe is gone, israel is my new favorite manager. he likes thrice. anyway, the brother's name is aaron and he is from texas. at least i think it's texas... maybe arizona or new mexico... it's down there somwhere. he worked at costco down there for like 9 years, and he works in the department i want to go to and he knows like everything about that stuff. him transferring here may have put me out of the chance at a spot in the department, but i'm ok with it because he's cool.

ok so in my dream, i was working at a different costco with him, but this costco was not a warehouse, it was in a fancy department store. lower ceilings, smooth tile, glitzy trim and all things eye catching. it was ridiculous. i didn't spend much time there (who can measure time in a dream anyway?) but it's definitely worth noting, to me at least.

next scene:

i was standing in a hallway with my grandfather. i don't have a name for him like other people do for their grandparents, he's just grandpa. i guess it's pronounced "grampa" though, to be accurate. my g-pa isn't doing that well health-wise these days. he has... i dunno if i remember, alzheimers maybe? (though it could have been, that definitely was not a joke. if you even caught it). him and i were never really close, i dunno why. we've been fishing together and spent time together, but i don't recall having long talks or anything like that. regrettable. but here i was standing in this hallway and my grampa was standing in the hallway and i just gave him a big, long hug and was crying, like i was saying goodbye.

side note: if that day ever comes, it must be a sad, sad day when parents or grandparents stop getting hugs from their kids like they used to. when i was little i used to do "powerhugs" with my dad. he would sit down on his knees and i would run at him from across the room and jump into a hug that would knock him over and we would both tumble onto the ground laughing. i wonder when the last time i did that was, and if my dad had any idea it would be the last... being a parent must contain such depths of joy and sadness. being God with us as children must be much the same way.

next scene:

i was sitting in an unfamiliar room with a large tv in it. my dad was there and my brother arif. we were watching tv. that's about it.

next scene:

this part felt like it's a repeat dream, one i've had before. it came because i finished all of Avatar last night before falling asleep. when i finish a series, wether video or book, i almost always feel like i'm leaving behind friends. like i spent time with these characters and i got to know them and now i'm saying goodbye. it's always kind of a bittersweet thing. maybe i'm strange.

but anyway, somehow i was in space, and i was falling towards the sun. as you can imagine, this was a bad situation. a solar flare(those strings of fire that look like tentacles coming off the sun) shot out near me, and i got this idea. i manipulated the fire of the flare to shoot back and wrap around the sun, then come back in front to make a long, fiery string of flames point towards earth. then i turned the flare into ice (i'm so cool, right?) and started ice surfing on this long strand of frozen fire. using the sun's gravity, i surfed towards the sun first, curved around behind it and then rocketed forward, back towards the earth. it was a rough ride, but i ice surfed all the way back to my home planet. it might be hard to picture if you weren't there in my dream, but basically it was flippin' sweet.

that's all the dream parts i can remember.

i really didn't intend to write this much, but i felt like background info was necessary/helpful for some things.

now onto homework for the rest of my day at home. peace.

double hawk

2009-01-18T23:28:00.002-05:00

get the title reference.

you know whats more fun than being awkward?

being acutely aware of how awkward you are.

i usually just lol at myself later.

boy do i run my mouth a lot more than i used to. i blame ylnt. the things they say are so entertaining because they just seem to keep talking and funny things come out, often awkward. so i just keep talking and sometimes funny things come out, but it's often, you guessed it, awkward. good thing i'm not such the nervous kid i used to be.

i think the guitar i want to eventually buy got a lot harder to find while i wasn't looking. i know it always said "limited supply" but i didn't really think about when it would run out.

/sigh

i have been liking this song a lot lately. this is a smaller version of it than their "official" one and i like it better. i'm trying to learn to play it and sing it at the same time and i'm ever so faintly toying with the idea of "performing" somewhere, maybe gvsu's twloha concert next month? i don't know, it was just a tiny, miniscule thought in my head. i'd need a girl to sing with me too, at least for that song, because it sounds so much better that way.

whatev.

cold outside

2009-01-17T03:37:00.002-05:00

tonight was lovely.

you know, sometimes i think about how i know i could be happy even if i didn't choose to eat rice cakes forever. i could live with that decision. i don't think it would be that hard. it's not that important in the scope of things.

but if it doesn't have to be that way, then i'm all for that too.

i am certainly up late. time for sleeping.

spinning

2009-01-15T22:50:00.004-05:00

i feel like my mind has been a train wreck for a while now.

i'm really scatterbrained.

there are way too many things competing for my attention.

too much to do. or at least think about doing. or just think about.

i try to do too much at once. when i'm on the computer i will honestly open like 5+ tabs and go back in forth through all of them, not completely finishing any of them in one look, jumping around. i'll be writing an email and in the middle i'll go on facebook or suddenly look up a video and then come back to the email but then stop again and write on somebody's wall and then read a blog and then when i finish with all the distractions i remember that i was writing an email so i finish that. and in all of that i will have forgotten to do at least 3 things that i meant to do and were more important than the distractions. oy.

i feel like i'm going to have dreams tonight.

i usually have dreams when i know my brain has been working too hard.

drained. unmotivated. whatever the opposite of "driven" is.

that's how i feel at the moment.

it was really nice at work today for the 3 hours or so i worked in a different department where i was mostly by myself and it was quiet and relaxing and i was doing something that made me feel like i was accomplishing things and not just waiting for the next customer to show up. i might transfer to that department.

i don't feel like i get time to relax my brain.

whenever i try, i just get sleepy and then i sleep a little and then just want more sleep.

i think maybe the key to a lot of this is getting enough sleep at night.

i'm going to make it my goal to get some more sleep, at least for a week or so, and see what happens.

yeah. sleep. let's be friends.

because it's hard to do anything when you just feel half dead.

i don't do that good a job of taking care of myself.

i wanted to post a video but all of them seem to have embedding disabled so i will just link it.

good message in the song. some "bad" words. whatever, you're grown up i'm sure.

InnerPartySystem - Don't Stop

and btw, i've done like 7 different things throughout the course of writing this.

it doesn't stop.

aw man...

2009-01-15T09:50:00.002-05:00

i went out to my car last night to go to my soccer game, and i noticed something was amiss with the looks of the driver's side part of the vehicle. it turns out what was amiss(ing) was the side mirror. i found it in 2 pieces a good 10 feet or more in front of my car. the glass was gone and i couldn't find it anywhere.

my car was parked on the street (the only place i can park it) and in front of my house. i'm thinking it was either a snowplow's doing, or some jerk that doesn't know how to drive properly (of which there are many, many on the roads).

this is annoying. it would be less annoying though if somehow my mirror being torn off would not have affected my door. it doesn't look at all like anything but the mirror was hit, but now my driver side door won't open from the outside. locked or unlocked, it will not open. i can get out that door, but not in once it's shut. this means i'll be using the passenger door to get into my car. this means that this is even more annoying because i park on the street all the time, and on the passenger side of the street there are large piles of snow. bullocks.

it is much harder to merge onto the highway without that mirror to help.

it is very cold outside before 8am. probably after too.

i get to bring music in to my music listening class on tuesday, for everybody to listen to. i'm having a hard time deciding what to bring. the teacher says it has to be someting that we think will stand the test of time, something that we'll like years from now, 20 or 30.

i really don't think i'll bring in Thrice. i feel like i want to bring in something more obscure or different than thrice. they're my favorite band and all, but i feel like i want something that is more unique.

right now i'm thinking of La Dispute or Judgement Day.

considering Portugal. The Man too.

a substantially shrunken music collection makes this a little more difficult, but i'll do.

exciting.

a long time ago

2009-01-13T01:22:00.003-05:00

feeling great, though my ankle hurts a bit more after soccer and i pulled a muscle slightly.

but great. we won.

here's something to think about:

the Earth's rotation is slowing down. This is why we add a Leap Second as necessary. In the last 36 years, we've added 24 leap seconds to our clocks/time. we can't predict when exactly we'll need to add leap seconds because the Earth's rotation doesn't slow at a fixed rate, it's variable. but if the Earth has been slowing down, then it must have been spinning faster before right? and if the Earth has always been slowing down, how fast might it have been spinning if the Earth is billions of years old?

so let's say that maybe we add just one leap second every 3 years, which is less than it seems we do add, and then suggest that the earth is 1 billion years old. doing some math:

1,000,000,000 / 3 = ~333,333,333.3 (number of leap seconds of change)

333,333,333.3/60 (minutes of change) /60 (hours of change) /24 (days of change) = ~3858 days.

3858 days worth of change in time, which means change in speed of the Earth's rotation. i don't know the math for figuring out how much faster the Earth would be spinning, but it seems like it would be quite a lot. amirite?

so if the earth is billions of years old, it probably would have been spinning wicked fast.

i guess this is all considering that the Earth has been slowing down at about the same rate, the wikipedia page said that it's a slighty variable rate.

just something to think about. something that you'd wonder "how did that work out if the Earth is really that old?"

"i have a theory about that"

oh lulz.

full

2009-01-11T02:19:00.002-05:00

life is beautiful.

i'm feeling full of feeling.

going to spill sometime i'm sure.

there is much to be happy about.

much to be thankful for.

so much is beautiful.

i am so tired, but i feel so good.

i could stay up and do things and read things and sometimes i wonder how i find time to sleep when there's so much i could do.

"more to be seen than can ever be seen, more to do than could ever be done"

haha, exactly.

i smile at myself when i look in the mirror sometimes, and i like it and i'm happy.

just happy.

my new favorite verb is trolling. thank you rich.

i'll come to chicago as soon as i can.

interenet was down but came back.

i could have been happy just going to sleep too.

senseless. senseless joy.

not bad

2009-01-10T08:59:00.003-05:00

i just now checked to see what my grades were last semester.

A, A, A, A, B+

the b+ was in my 3D drawing class.

not bad, i'd say.

i am trying to do too much and i think i'm going to lose my mind soon.

i think half the problem is that i'm also trying to sleep too little.

case in point about trying to do too much: i should have been getting ready to leave for work at least 5 minutes ago.

darn you, easily distracted brain.

cool

2009-01-09T01:40:00.002-05:00

today was really, really great.

woke up at 7am (boo)

went to class. looks to be enjoyable. the teacher loves western stuff.

home. leave to go sledding with chicago friends.

had a blast.

i love just laying in the snow. the snow makes everything quieter, more peaceful, and i love it. i love when it's snowing outside and it's absolutely silent. no wind, no cars; just me crunching along through the scenery. fantastic.

back to rich's to watch jurassic park, the second one.

had to say bye to everybody.

home. get soccer stuff.

go play soccer game #1. score 2 goals, let 0 in. win

adam came to watch, then bethany and nick came.

wait around. soccer game #2 and rich came also.

we lost, but i played hard and it was good. i'm sore though.

i am so tired.

i think i am insane.

goodnight.

soccer with the stars

2009-01-08T01:36:00.002-05:00

i just played soccer against some guys i respect very much.

the singer/guitarist and bassist from Victor! Fix the Sun.

also, the singer from Ivan(r.i.p.)

wow. that's crazy to me. i like both those bands, have seen them play live. want to do what they've done. and i beat them in soccer. scored on the Ivan singer twice. 3 times, but the ref called one back.

it was a lot of fun.

also:

if i get sick anytime in the next 3 days, i am blaming it completely and totally on bethany grace rademacher because she kicked snow all over me while i was still in my shorts. and snow as all in my shoes on account of her.

girls are so cruel.

musical cleansing

2009-01-07T01:10:00.003-05:00

listening to: a lot less songs....

today i followed Nick's lead.

i did what i had been thinking about but probably would not have gone through if it weren't for my roommate suddenly doing it first.

i deleted all of the music on my computer that i did not pay for.

(well, i still need to check on a couple albums that i'm not sure if i really do own or not)

over 1000 tracks gone, some of them were favorites.

but actually i found that a lot of stuff i will not miss. there was a lot that i don't listen to much at all, and too many songs that i don't even like. but i think that this will actually help me to appreciate more the musc that i really do like. and i do want to support the bands that i like by buying their material. i want to be in a band someday, and i'd appreciate every kid who would do this same sort of thing.

i think it goes without saying (but i'll say it) that I won't be downloading any more music that isn't downloaded legally. Portugal. the Man encourages downloading though... even of their own stuff.... i wonder what to do with their music then.

but anyway, i'm happy with my decision. i still have to go through and clean out an external drive and my Zune, but i'm well on the way to being legal in my music listening. i really, really, really love music and listening to cool bands that I haven't heard before, and i feel like going legal is going to stifle that a bit, but i can live with it. as i was deleting stuff i made a list of what music i am going to need to look into buying because i'll be missing it too much. things like Justice and The Devil Wears Prada and Dub Trio.

that being said, i've thought about gift music. music given to me by friends. here's the principles i'm going to go by:

1. I will not accept music files.

2. I will accept burned CDs from somebody if it's in the form of a mixtape. a collection of songs that they think i'll like. i will not be able to accept plain 'ol copies of an album.

3. I will not put any of the tracks from these burned CDs onto my computer/mp3 player, just leave them on a CD and play it that way.

4. No ripping of anything that I don't own.

i think that's about it.

i need to get a CD player in my car now. for sure.

or at least put in a radio with a working tape deck.

i'm going to want to find a good service for downloading (and paying for) individual songs. i hear that amazon has got a pretty good thing going, dunno if they do individual tracks or not. i don't even want to hear a word about itunes.

i love music and i want to do good by it.

let's do this the right way, yeah?

yeah.

(that all being said, if anybody out there owns real copies of any of the following band's albums and you don't want the CD anymore, talk to me. maybe i can buy it from you at like a used cost? :)

-The Devil Wears Prada

-Justice

-Miyavi

-Ratatat

-Silverstein

-Anberlin

-Drop Dead, Gorgeous

-Dub Trio

- La Dispute (i think i don't own Vancouver)

-Muse

-Portugal. The Man

-Protest the Hero

-Russian Circles

-The Human Abstract

-The White Stripes

-Daft Punk

-Every Time I Die

-Regina Spektor

)

un-quality

2009-01-06T12:18:00.002-05:00

Jammin' at Mah House from Jarrod Pyper on Vimeo.

this was very poorly made and we knew it.

but it was fun.

and ridiculous.

wait until the part where we found the filter to make things on fire.

yeah.

time goes by

2009-01-05T02:14:00.002-05:00

listening to: Muse - Supermassive Black Hole

i think i'm not as nice as i used to be, and that's troubling.

i think i just don't care as much.

let's not become calloused, ok?

i got a scarf today. thanks Lindsey! i'm wearing it as i'm writing this.

what makes someody intelligent?

what makes you think somebody is intelligent?

i've wondered for a while.

if you think i'm intelligent, why is that?

is intelligence using big words? knowing a lot of facts? saying insightful things?

i know there's a difference between IQ and EQ and all that, but i'm wondering what gives the impression of intelligence in a person. i suppose this wondering comes from a desire to seem intelligent to others. kinda dumb. i try too hard to mold people's opinions of me for them. that's a whole other thought line though, one i don't wish to explore at this moment.

the problem with being

smart

wise

insightful

congnizant

is that you know better.

when you mess things up, you knew better than to do something like that, there is no excuse.

i'm not saying that i am those adjectives, but i am smart enough to know better a lot of times, and some days i wish i just didn't know better.

caution to the wind?

time for sleep.

just for lulz

2009-01-03T23:26:00.000-05:00

It amused me at least from Jarrod Pyper on Vimeo.

thanks Bill. you let me be amuse myself more.

tragedy

2009-01-03T08:52:00.004-05:00

2 major tragedies in life:

1. Being forced out of a warm bed into a cold room (or world (that's deep)), especially when you're still really tired.

2. Opening the curtain after a hot shower and being assaulted by chill air. I should be able to press charges against that kind of attack.

phrase

2009-01-03T02:11:00.002-05:00

shaky words, spoken steady

shaky words, spoken steady

that's what i'm made of.
if you think it's confidence,
i've got you fooled.
cocky? it's feigned.
if i spoke uncaringly, i'm sorry.

when i can't think my words slowly,
i speak them faster,
and watch them run into the walls,
stumbling into each other,
struggling when i pick them up,
until i have the grace to let them lie.

despite the fragile words,
i can manage to talk them through,
making them seem strong,
sailing smoothly with the crew.

i shouldn't have tried to rhyme that.
but i like the phrase shaky words, spoken steady.

beacause it means something to me, not to you.

maybe to you, but that's no reason for me to like it.

-----------------------

soccer game tonight was super fun.

i scored a goal.

my sister scored a goal (so proud!)

i love my family.

and really, when i'm barefoot i just feel so much more ninja. i just want to be more acrobatic.

that's it.

check it

2009-01-01T05:08:00.003-05:00

check out http://neweachweek.blogspot.com/

it's a journal of sorts that some friends and i are using to keep track of our new years goal of doing at least 1 new thing a week for the whole year.

if you go there you can read about me driving a completely random, larger than me, african american, drunk guy home for $10.

it's good to be alive.

new year, dead ahead.

alright, lets do this. leeerroooooooooy!!!!!......

and i leave you with a video that rich and adam and i lolled at very, very much:

final project for an animation class. he used "everything he was taught" in that class to make this animation. i love the disgruntled-ness of the credits.

what? now?

2008-12-31T04:44:00.002-05:00

listening to: the hum of my computer. it is way too late.

yeah yeah. so 4:45am isn't necessarily the best time to be up and at em and thinking about things, but so is my life.

so as i see it, here is a short list of things i am capable of doing with my "life" as they say after college.

-continue working at costco while trying to get a game company going. see if it takes off

-travel to india for like 3 months making something like $1000 a week teaching a class on a program i used a lot in school

-move to california and start out making at least $50/hr programming in Flash (this possiblility i was just informed of tonight)

-start a band. do the band thing. write music. meet people. travel.

hm. the india thing could be done over the summer if it's possible enough i guess. i know two people out in san francisco that have told me they can get me in with the right people if i wanted to move out there and work.

a real job using the degree i paid and worked for. that makes sense. but really, i'm not always concerned with making sense am i? no, i'm not.

is exciting and frightening. i'm not confident in my skillz, but other people seem to think i can do it. that's nice.

i guess we'll see. it's good to know what opportunities are out there for me though.

pretty cool.

the receiving end of awkward

2008-12-30T03:15:00.002-05:00

listening to: Silverstein - Always and Never

i really enjoy awkward moments.

i feel like i'm a bit of an awkward person, maybe having to do with me often saying very little but when i do talk i try to say too much.

awkward is more fun when you're not the one in the awkward position, but i pretty much just laugh no matter what it is, just because i find awkward to be funny.

awkward/nervous. that's where it's at.

i thought of the title for this post today and i decided i had to use it.

here is something i realized today that i never thought about and it was sorta miraculous that it just occurred to me:

"fort" is probably short for "fortress."

i never put that together before today. i was pleased.

i'm considering trying to use only one space between my sentences instead of the two i've used since forever. is this common? i have no idea. it saves space i suppose. i've been getting in the habit of single spacing sentences when i text message, because character count maximization is key for that. gotta make the most of those 160. economize.

Seth came over tonight after the soccer game (which went train wreckish) to hang out. it was cool, since seth and i never really hang out. ever. but it was fun. he asked if i ever knew the game Gunstar Heroes for the Sega, and i was like "of course" and it happened to be one of the two games i downloaded on my Wii. so we beat it in one sitting, using only one continue. that really is something beacuse it's not a cakewalk game. i was very pleased.

if i'm not careful i'm going to hurt myself in a soccer game. when i get too upset with myself for not doing well i hit things. things that are harder than my fist. and that's just not going to end well. i've currently got some marks on my right hand, wrist-ish area, from hitting the wall real hard after i got scored on. i doesn't hurt as much as it probably should, considering how hard i knew i swung. oh well. i always laugh at people who do that kind of thing during sports, because it's so stupid and pointless. but then i go and do it. smooth.

oh, and the Left4Dead lan party saturday was great fun! i like that game.

oh! Giannii gave me the game World of Goo for Christmas.

it's really fun!

you can get a demo at that link.

when i was in San Francisco for GDC this year I saw the 2 guys that made this game speak. seemed really cool. the game is great, buy it. sadly it's got a piracy rate of like over 80%. these guys worked hard to make this game and deserve to get paid for it.

i think there was something from yesterday i wanted to mention, but i can't remember what it was... ah well. time for sleeping. it's past 3:30am and i are tired.

good morning, i'm sarcastic

2008-12-27T08:47:00.003-05:00

i just read a short article (linked via Bill Kahler's blog) about how guitar hero is killing rock 'n' roll. and i think it argued the point terribly.

i imagine the writer of the article plays a real instrument or two, and he's maybe in a band. if he doesn't play real instruments then he's just completely ridiculous for writing this. to me it just sounds like he's whining because kids can do something visually similar to what he does, but it's way easier on a video game. he put in all the hard to work to learn to play real guitar and now people are impressed by kids playing a plastic guitar.

boo hoo.

and then there are the people that complain that others aren't really fans of certain bands because they only heard of them on guitar hero or rock band. i guess if other people who barely know the band call themselves fans it somehow tarnishes your own superfanboy image eh? lighten up, be glad that other people are liking the music you like. show them more of that band.

i play real guitar. i used to play guitar hero a lot, and was pretty good at it. guitar hero is not a threat to music. people who whine about it instead of making music are a threat to music.

and i love the comments after the article. take this one:

Yeah, I hate it when people only say they like songs after they've heard them too. Real music fans like music before they even listen to it.

wtf??

real fans like music before they hear it you say? honestly? sounds like mindless devotion to a band or something, automatically liking it despite having knowledge of it's quality. i absolutely love Thrice, but if they released a new album and I hadn't heard it yet, I wouldn't tell somebody that i loved it already. they've made songs that i haven't really liked before, it's not like i think everything they touch turns to gold.

"hey, how do you like the new (band name) cd?"

-"oh man, i love it it's great!"

"have you listened to it all yet?"

-"well, no. i actually haven't listened to any of it yet"

w.t.f.

the internet is never short of dumb people.

i just spent too much of my morning writing this.

guess i felt like complaining.

off to work.

cya.

different

2008-12-25T20:15:00.002-05:00

listening to: Drop Dead, Gorgeous - Swing (Savage cover)

this is not a Christmas song.

it's got language in it folks.

but i like when hardcore/screamo covers rap.

just listen or don't.

things are just different. my family is not whole. it bugs me.

despite this, it was a good Christmas.

wendesday i went to kalamazoo to be with my mom's side of the family. hung out for a couple hours. left to be back in time for church and took west, reme and arif with me.

went caroling with people from church.

had the Christmas Eve service. i love the candlelight stuff.

spent the night at my moms. i hate the family divided.

had a good talk with my mom, which is rare. she is not herself. she is just not herself. and i don't like it, at all.

Christmas morning. wake up, fall asleep, have a crazy dream with lots of friends in it and snow is coming through the roof because the tent that somebody put over the hole isn't working and i have to pile snow high enough to climb onto the roof and fix it but then i wake up.

breakfast was really good.

presents went well. reme absolutely loved what i got her (socks...?) and selvije loved what i got my mom (wall-e). arif told me what i should have got him (sheesh). west was ecstatic because at first he thought i just burned him the thrice live cds but then i tossed Disgaea for DS at him and he made loud noises of happiness. i like giving things that people like.

we watched wall-e. i like that movie.

i got stuff. i'm happy with it. don't feel like listing it for some reason.

left there with everyone to go see my dad.

got gifts from him too.

we went to my aunt's for dinner.

dinner = GIANT pancakes that were awesome. pancakes were the size of the large plates we ate them on. sweet.

played with helicopters, hung around, just were together.

i almost fell asleep laying on the floor.

left there and i'm back home now.

i've said it plenty of times before, but i absolutely love having sisters. things are rough but my youngest sister is always so happy. she loves to sit by me and give me hugs and she's smiling so much. she's really developed a snappy kind of wit that you just don't expect to come from her when it doesn't seem like she knows english that well. always surprises me. and reme is great too. my sisters make me feel loved.

it's the parent's job to love their children, and it's the children's tendency to act like they don't need it.

just something that occurred to my today as i was being offered help and i kept refusing it.

lately i've been thinking about how maybe it would be nicer not to be alone(ish).

whether i continue to think that or not is very uncertain.

going to go make some food (maybe) and do something for the rest of the night.

Merry Christmas.

i dislike cars getting stuck in the snow but i love seeing people help each other get out.

i wish it was easier to tell when people get stuck in life, and then maybe more often people would be helping others get unstuck.

Trans-Siberian AWESOME

2008-12-24T01:53:00.006-05:00

listening to: Everything TSO that i heard tonight

HOLY CRAP.

The TSO concert was AMAZING.

The lights and the sounds and the LAZERZ and the FIRE.

everything was just super incredibly crazy awesome.

i want to see them again. next year when they come around.

you should come too.

i want to go learn how to play guitar better.

and learn violin.

and cello.

and piano.

and i want to join TSO. pretty plz?

such good stuff though.

the violinist's tossing their bows back and forth to each other

the incredible drum solo with coordinated (prly via midi) light show

the double necked SG (lulz)

the fire i could feel from the back of the arena (i think, heh)

guitar solos

violin solos

singing solos

string metal

everything was so epic.

oh, and i'd like to marry the female violinist.

her name is Anna Phoebe.

she played a pink electric violin

she had sweet stage performance moves

she has swords on her website

she is from Ireland. (YES ACCENT)

this is her:

that's right, she played at the pyramids.

300

2008-12-23T02:09:00.000-05:00

this is post number 300.

.....

whelp, see ya later.

oh the lulz that i lul

2008-12-22T11:10:00.003-05:00

listening to: Olafur Arnalds - 3055

i like the visuals with this song.

david boss told me about this and i definitely think i'd like to listen to more of his stuff.

this is a longer one. i haven't written in a few days and i'm catching up.

last night i almost threw up. but it was because i was laughing too hard and couldn't stop. it was beyond just my sides hurting, it was too much lulz. i dunno if any of you have the same problem. maybe it was because i had just eaten recently. actually yeah that seems to be the problem.

but that's the result when you get two of my top three "people that make jarrod laugh" in the same room hanging out. i just made up this "people that make jarrod laugh" list off the top of my head, but the list goes as follows:

-Rich Roslund

-Jesse Brown (Twinkie)

-Tyler Card

these three guys just absolutely entertain me. i hung out with rich and twinkie last night (casey was there too) and we played risk. usually i do not enjoy playing risk, as i: always forget how to play, don't know strategy, typically lose. but last night i enjoyed it immensley because i was laughing to much through most of it. the game ended when a mini remote control helicopter flew into the game board. nobody was mad, it was just funny.

the only downside was that i completely forgot about danita's last farewell get-together because i remembered that i was supposed to call rich when i got out of work, and i love rich so much that i didn't think of anything else.

the night before i hung out with alex for a looooong time. a long, good time. got some Christmas shopping done. i only have to get something for my dad now, and i have no idea what. alex and i sat at dunkin donuts for literally hours. it was a good time talking.

tomorrow is the TSO concert. yeeaaahhhh.

wednesday i have to trek down to kalamazoo for a family Christmas party. boooo. it's never a real family thing anymore because my whole family is never together anymore.

nick has been spending his time watching gilmore girls when he should be spending his time breaking up with his girlfriend. once he accomplishes that, he should stay single and motivate himself to get some sort of education in order. he loves playing bass, fine, make it some sort of musical education. he can't work at that warehouse forever. at least, he doesn't want to. i'm afraid that kid just wants to hop relationships, and i can't blame him.... well yes, i can blame him and i will, but i can understand the desire to. he should have broke up with that girl over a year ago. maybe 2 years. nick is too nice to be treated like he is by her.

and me? what about me? i'm semi-content, feigning disinterest, biting my tongue, avoiding restlessness. i overthink and understate. i don't know what's right for me. all i know is that someday i'm going to leave, and i don't want to leave someone behind or pull them up and take them with me.

maybe i'll go to japan and borrow emo's "i'm looking for a japanese girlfriend" shirt. it was really funny when we went to an asian food restaurant and suddenly he realized he was wearing that shirt and tried very hard to cover it up. oh, emo.

oh, our neighbors apparently whine to the landlord about us all the time, and he's getting sick of it. the other night they were pounding around at 3am, and then again arond 5am, for no apparent reason. it was ridiculous. and we man up and deal with it, we don't go running to the landlord for everything. it looks like one of the parties living in this residence may be getting kicked out.

dear Chad(landlord), would you rather keep renters that complain to you about everything or renters who know how to deal with life's circumstances and get over it? they are the ones with the abnormal sleeping/work schedule, the ones that wake you up at 4am to call and whine, the ones that call the cops on us, the one with the dog that runs in circles upstairs(driving nick crazy), the ones that threaten us with the statement "it's on." if you kicked us out, they wouldn't have anything to complain about until somebody else moves in and then you'll get to deal with them again. if you replace them with normal people, chances are good that we'll get along with them. at the very least, you still won't get complaining phone calls from us, and you'll stop theirs.

love, jarrod.

best case scenario: the neighbors move out and we get friends of ours to move in upstairs. we could leave the whole house open and there would be harmony in the homestead. pretty please, God?

list format:

-i like shoveling snow. like i like mopping. it's true. maybe it's making things clean that i like.

-also, i like brushing all the snow off a car.

-i feel like i've had a bigger than normal appetite since i stopped being sick

-i'm playing soccer again next session :) 2 or 3 teams this time.

-i'm playing the clock game

-i'm playing pokemon on my phone

-lunch is soon

-today i think i'll

clean my room

capture video to compy

wrap Christmas gifts

watch avatar

play pokemon

-enjoy being on break

jarrod out.

realized

2008-12-20T09:00:00.002-05:00

listening to: portugal. the man - stables and chairs

i need to stop dealing with people as if they were me.

i'm too hard on me.

i'm not as nice to me.

other people are other people, not my expectations for myself.

random thought: treating others the way you want to be treated probably isn't a good idea of you're a masochist.

good morning.

victory

2008-12-19T09:42:00.002-05:00

listening to:

at least watch at about 2:35 where he starts sweep picking. that stuff is nuts.

"i see a fanny pack as being kind of like the sweat pants of luggage... it says i quit. i am now a noncombatant in the game of life. when you have a fanny pack, you know, it's like clogs in public, right, you say like "this is it, i'm done, i got nothin'."

-you look nice today's Merlin Mann. funny guy.

i got a gameboy emulator working on my phone. i'm playing pokemon yellow. awe yeah, good times.

i accomplished my goal of being less self conscious of how i look, namely not being real concerned about my hair. this may sound trivial, but i really didn't want to be worried about how i look, if my hair gets "messed up" or whatever. yeah, so it worked and now i really don't care so much whether i "do" anything with my hair or not. but i do need a haircut because it doesn't really stay up now when i want it to.

and i love having a beard. it makes everything better.

ok i need to start driving to work. the snow is nuts out there.

peace.

and finally

2008-12-18T10:50:00.002-05:00

listening to: All That Remains - This Darkened Heart

they have a female bassist now

i am now done with school.

it feels good. real good.

tuesday i'm going to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra with my dad and brother. should be super sweet!

i got about 4 hours of sleep last night, so i think i'm going to put on a movie and see if i end up taking a nap :)

oh, and emo just opened up his movies folder to our home network, and now i have access to over 200 movies. nice.

thinking of getting left4dead. it's fun and rich will have it and we can play. i love rich.

and i'm really hoping a gameboy emulator on my phone will allow me to take lsdj with me everywhere. would be so cool!.

peace

16

2008-12-16T23:25:00.002-05:00

listening to: Cold War Kids - Something is Not Right With Me

has the smoke cleared enough for me to be able to do this without appearing to be copying?

because i've been waiting for that.

and i've been trying to think of good things to write.

1. My biggest dream in life includes the following: 1.traveling the world in a band playing my own music 2. at every show, play at least one hymn/praise song, either the original version or a cover 3. having a cute girl along to take pictures and maybe sell merch and maybe be mine. condition 3 is non-critical.

2. I love words. I really love big words. I find the use of big words attractive. Not obnoxious/pretentious but just using cool words, even creatively. mm yeah, vocab.

3. I love music, a whole lot, but i don't want to know too much about it, all the theory and what things are supposed to go together and all that. i worry that if i knew all that stuff it would kill something wild and creative and free about music for me. i like the discovery, and i feel that if i had the map memorized it would make the journey less exciting.

4. it's my fault my family adopted 3 kids from albania about 4 years ago. i would never consider taking that back. i really like having sisters.

5. my favorite food is pb&j sandwiches. best combination of simplicity and taste. yum.

6. i really like cool shirts. cool designs/words/bands. t-shirts are standard attire for me beacuse i have so many that i like. this is why i'm sorta addicted to shirt.woot. i want to get rid of all my not as cool shirts and just wear ones that i love all the time. it delights me when people say the shirt i'm wearing is cool.

7. my favorite number is 47. this came about fairly abitrarily. i was getting an email address and i needed to put a number on it, i think i was trying to pick 49 because for some reason i like the 49ers, but it was taken so i chose 47. and now it's my favorite.

8. i absolutely adore lolcat pictures. they can easily consume a half hour of my time (or more) without me realizing it. along with that goes with my enjoyment of talking in lolspeak. which is similar to me liking to write in l33t sometimes, and i like back and forth conversations of that nature.

9. i quite rarely curse, but by far the most common time for me to use expletives is during soccer, but it's always directed at myself for not doing something i should have. second place for most swears used is video games. third is minor injuries. and i say them quietly.

10. i dislike medicine a lot. i hate swallowing pills. basically i avoid taking any medicine when i can. only exception is when i have something really annoying like a stuffy nose or cough. i'm willing to swallow a small pill for that. but i never take painkillers. i can handle it, kthx.

11. i really really want to know another language someday. really. maybe i'll move someplace to pick one up.

12. i almost always pace when i am talking on the phone or brushing my teeth.

13. I have a somewhat strange habit of eating my food proportionally. Example: if i have corn, mashed potatoes, bread, and green beans on my plate, when i am just about done eating i will have one bite of each item left on the plate. for some reason i like to finish all my different foods at the same time. and i always eat the smallest chips first and it bugs me when somebody comes by and takes the big chip that i was saving for last.

14. The Jarrod Theorem: Any food that tastes good on it's own will taste as good or better when combined with peanut butter. So far I haven't been proven wrong and tic tacs do not count as food.

15. I think I'd like to try opening a restaurant. except we just serve peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. i'd start out lemonade stand style to see how well i could do, then grow as appropriate. i'd sell sammiches on different kinds of bread using different kinds of peanut butter and jelly and they could be toasted too. it would be fun to talk to people as i make their sandwich. i would call it, "PB& Jarrod." i had secretly hoped kelley wouldn't find out my idea because "PB& Kelley" sounds better and she could run a business more effectively.

16. i'm good at waiting. i spend a lot of time waiting for things. i'll go for it all when i'm ready, but my opportunities come when i'm patient. this is contrary to what most of the world would advise, but that's why i think it's good. things always work out.

should be sleeping

2008-12-15T01:08:00.003-05:00

listening to: The Fall of Troy - Ghostship part 1 (Introverting Dimensions)

"The stars scream out, and spew our names. Told through the sky's hellacious waves. Copied and calculated, we waited forever, and now i remember. How cumulous clouds turned our worlds upside down..."

as i was typing those words out the very song they came from started up on random play.

we just watched FLCL, on a whim.

that's still my favorite anime.

i spent so much time watching it. over and over.

and going back to parts and watching for things.

and looking into it, and understanding it.

and trying to get the references.

trying to ignore the admittedly often perverse humor.

(you get less of it if you're more innocent. i used to be more innocent.)

i want to go away someplace so that i can come back.

yeah?

can't miss you if you don't go away.

i had a great day today.

i have class early. 8am.

i should go to bed.

but first,

These words, these pages of text, this blog; it all references a part of me.

this is jarrod in theory.

jarrod in practice is not the same.

real life is much more complicated.

or so simple that i can't help but make it appear complicated because if i realize how easy it was i might just explode or collapse or get it right.

occasionally i'll catch my reflection in something just for a second and i've got a look that makes me think of sylar every time.

*twisted smile*

sick daze

2008-12-13T11:47:00.002-05:00

it's weird. i feel worse about calling in sick to work when i'm actually sick than i do when i'm not exactly sick. maybe it's admitting weakness. meh.

so i called in sick.

i'm staying home.

i'm doing very little.

probably still eating very little.

the grilled cheese last night was really good though.

sammich and grapes for lunch.

drinking water all of the times.

watching avatar.

maybe a movie.

using Toshi (laptop) so i don't have to get out of bed.

this sounds really nice if it wasn't all part of being sick.

last night was a lot of fun though.

ice skating, hip/fancy place eating at, watching the club through the bathroom wall and wondering(worrying) if they could see you too.

i find black toilets to be awkward, almost alien.

what i didn't like was "being obvious about being secret"

we live in our own worlds.

tiem to rezt.

writing

2008-12-13T00:36:00.003-05:00

i just got my advanced composition portfolio grade back and i got an A. i'm very happy.

i wanted to post one of my pieces here because the teacher said she thought it was my best one. she called it "brutally candid" and i like that something i did was described with the word "brutal" muahaha.

so i think this assignment was just to write something that was a memoir. if any of the quotes sound forced, it's because we had to cite from a couple of assigned sources. The La Dispute quoting was definitely all my idea. :)

Memoir

“What a bunch of fools we lovers are/

When tempted by the taste of flesh”

(Dreyer, Future Wars).

I was once blind and reckless and only wanting of affection. Augustine wrote it better, “But what was it that delighted me save to love and to be loved? Still I did not keep the moderate way of the love of mind to mind--the bright path of friendship. Instead, the mists of passion steamed up out of the puddly concupiscence of the flesh, and the hot imagination of puberty, and they so obscured and overcast my heart that I was unable to distinguish pure affection from unholy desire” (Augustine 2.2.2). It was years ago now, when we were such proud high school students, but it still stands as a strong reminder of what a good relationship is not like.

I feel that I was much younger then, in mind more than body. She was a bit older than I, and I had been delighted to find myself the object of another’s affection. We had mutual friends, which afforded us opportunities to get to know each other. There were the late nights of conversation from our own homes, in front of brightly glowing computer monitors. Things progressed and soon enough we were dating, all too soon in retrospect. Things went well for a while. A year went by and it was pleasant to have some one to hold and to care for.

Then there was some turmoil in the relationships between our mutual companions. I sided with her against my friends and the two of us became somewhat isolated from them. I deemed the decision as being for best once I saw my friends start living their lives in a way I had no desire to follow. Seeing their partying that I would not risk my legal record by joining, I became of the same mind as John Winthrop when he said, “We observed it a common fault in our young people, that they gave themselves to drink hot waters [rum or other distilled liquor] very immoderately” (Winthrop, Mon. 3 May 1630). Soon the “fun” seemed to be draining from our own relationship, at least in her perspective. I spent much of my time trying to please her, make her happy, or provide some sort of entertainment for her boredom. In return I was treated to complaints or cold silence. I was too foolish to see the folly and utter futility of staying with her; there was no pleasant future there. I was attached and didn’t want to let go. After all, she still said, “I love you” back.

She found a new group of friends that we started to spend time with frequently. Then I started to get the feeling that she didn’t want me around them so much. She wanted them to herself. I was a bit confused and troubled, and she was hanging out with that guy an awful lot during the late hours of the night-- an awful lot, and it was turning my insides out to think about. How well I knew, as Mary Chesnut put it, “We stand in need of wise counsel; something more than courage” (Chesnut 5).

I talked a good deal about the situation with a friend who knew both of us well. After more than a week of considering it, I finally decided that I needed to end the relationship. I wanted it to end, but I still kept such secret high hopes that she would realize how much I really meant to her and we would be reunited as a stronger and happier couple. Those were foolish thoughts. I remember exactly what we were wearing that day. I had my tears and she wore a smile, neither was fake.

For the next week I was heartbroken. At the end of that week I heard from a friend that she and that guy she was spending an awful lot of time with were now dating. It was my worst fear it and it had come true. Looking back though, I see that this was the best way to keep me from ever wanting to go back to her. I would never have been happy with her, because she would never have been happy with me. She could hardly be happy with herself, and now I understand that was a major part of the problem. I learned what type of personality and behavior is unhealthy. I learned that a girl like her will only drag me down to where she is and I would never become something more within a relationship like that.

Works Cited

Augustine. “Chapter XII, Book Nine.” Confessions. Albert Outler, ed. U Pennsylvania

1995. 8 Oct. 2008 http://ccat.sas.upenn.edu/jod/augustine.html

Path: Texts and Translations; Confessions; English translation (Outler)

Dreyer, Jordan. “Future Wars.” Vancouver. Friction Records, 2006.

Winthrop, John. Shipboard Journal. The Winthrop Society. 1996. 8 Oct. 2008

Path: Texts; Journal of the Crossing of the Atlantic

Chesnut, Mary Boykin. A Diary from Dixie: Electronic Edition. Documenting the

American South. University of North Carolina. 1995. 8 Oct. 2008

i'm trying to burp and it won't work

2008-12-12T02:03:00.004-05:00

listening to: The Fall of Troy - The Walls Bled Lust

i'm trying to get this bubble out of me by burping and it just won't come out.

i srsly should have let myself be burped by a practiced hand.

such a strange, annoying feeling.

got The Fall of Troy's new EP in the mail today with a tshirt.

i didn't realize that the cd was actually a rerecording of the Ghostship Demos.

but it's real good and i'm real excited to be able to listen to it.

thomas erak is still my guitar hero.

events and shoutouts for the day:

-did not throw up today, good sign.

-completed my advanced comp class for good.

-finally turned in my drawing stuff, done with that class

-did a lot of sitting around today, but not always doing nothing

-thanks emily for the get yeller items

-didn't get as much music stuff done as i'd have liked, but lolcats are very entertaining. "just click next bethany, don't look at danielle"

love you, kittehs

the secret to staying thin

2008-12-11T13:45:00.002-05:00

the secret to shedding those pounds and keeping them off is easier than you might think.

the key lies in something you may never have considered to be a factor.

roommates.

here's what you do.

find roommates that don't wash their dishes for weeks at a time and just let them pile up in the sink. for this to work best, they must leave some amount of food on the dishes so that it can start going bad in the open air.

soon enough, the entire kitchen will start to smell terrible. every time you walk into the room to get food, your appetite will immediately plummet as the pungent stench of uncleanliness assaults your nasal passages. if you are particularly sensitive to smell, this can become a futher weight benefit by causing you to uncontrollably vomit.

if that isn't quite enough, make sure at least one of your roommates leaves unfinished food open/uncovered in the refrigerator for at least a few days. long enough for the fridge to smell bad for double or even triple the amount of time the leftovers were placed in that enclosed space.

take this advice and i'm sure you'll be on the road to weight loss in no time at all. just keep a bucket around the kitchen in case you get seized by the need to spout a "technicolor yawn."

there's your weight loss tip for the day.

you outdid yourself

2008-12-11T10:38:00.004-05:00

i get the dictionary.com word of the day emailed to me every day. well, actually sometimes it doesn't come and then shows up a day or two later and get multiple at once, but you know. i do this because i love vocabulary, i like words.

anyway.

today the word of the day is an absolutely ridiculous word that i have never heard of and will never use:

ablaut \ABH-lout\, noun:

the systematic substitution of one root vowel sound for another in different inflectional forms or derivatives of a word, as in ring, rang, rung.

really? did we need to make a word for that?
i don't think we did.

that's all for now.

before i pass out

2008-12-11T00:33:00.003-05:00

blogger just really disappointed me because i found a handful of funny things to post and the images wouldn't fit in the confines of my posting area, so the edges were cut off. consequently, i had to download them and then upload them. but i guess it was worth it to me.

PLEASE tell me if you got that last one.

2008-12-10T10:52:00.004-05:00

firstly, here's a video i watched this morning.

this guy Peter Schiff was trying to tell these people that things are going to go horribly wrong with our stocks and financial institutions and everybody is laughing at him.

good game financial analysts. good game.

i need to go lay back down.

bleah

2008-12-10T00:00:00.002-05:00

i feel terrible.

today while i was still home and lying in bed feeling semi-wretched from whatever sickness this must be, i imaginitively experience a scenario where i was in the hospital on what could potentially be my deathbead because of how sick i was (in my imagination). there were a lot of my friends around me and i would hurriedly say to each of them how much they meant to me and what i liked about them and apologizing for any wrongs i'd done to them and i was saying it all in streams of speech, sounding partially delirous.

yeah, these are the things i daydream sometimes. strange, i think.

this sickness or whatever it is has sapped all my energy. i've felt very tired and weak most of today. i feel like i get punched in the head with mini headaches that only last for a short period, and then my body aches in waves sometimes. i just generally feel abnormal, something is definitely not right. my mind feels floaty.

with that, i'm going to sleep.

probably not going to class in the morning. and i'm perfectly ok with that.

sorry momma lauren, i didn't go straight to bed when i got home.

cautious

2008-12-09T02:00:00.003-05:00

listening to: Trans-Siberian Orchestra - Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24

it's all a game to me.

one i seldom let myself play.

what to do, oh what to do.

i got all my drawing done today. i didn't go to work so i could get my drawing final done by the due date tonight. i went to go turn it in online when i noticed an email from my professor. the email said that he pushed the due date for our project back to friday.

...

/facepalm

ah well. just one sculpture to go and i'm done with the class. phew.

pwned my marketing presentation today. really glad about that.

had the last class day for Fiction. too bad, i liked the people in that class a lot.

still plenty to be done though. plenty. but i feel good.

we're playing a trans-siberian orchestra song in church on sunday and i'm super pumped for it. i want to practice it all of the times so i can do well. i need to learn to do the squeadlies. practice practice.

i'll leave you with this quote from Scott Simpson, a man i find very entertaining:

"that's the beauty of the anachronism, of the weird behavior... if i were to write a 10 page paper on why you should be a nerd, it's because the 95% will think you're an idiot but the 1% who's a lady and who's hot and, you know, gets it, will love you."

that sounds more serious than it is in context. they were discussing fanny packs.

the internet just ran away.

i dunno when this will post because i don't know when the internet will come back.

please come back by morning. pretty please internet.

peace.

nearly there

2008-12-08T08:08:00.002-05:00

listening to: Drop Dead, Gorgeous - The Show Must Go On

after today, smooth sailing.

after today, finals are cake.

after today, i'll breathe easier.

so bring it on, it's just another day.

"let's set the stage on fire, and hollywood will be jealous"

really?

2008-12-05T16:29:00.002-05:00

so apparently on wednesday a man "exposed" himself to one of my coworkers. she's an older lady, grandmotherly, and she works at the door checking receipts or greeting people as they come in. as it was told to me, she asked a man if she could see his receipt and he replied "i bet you want to see this" and showed her the receipt which happened to be perched upon the man's exposed phallus.

they got his license plate number. i doubt she'll ever get that day of her life back.

oy

2008-12-05T00:28:00.004-05:00

Listening to: Judgement Day - Inferno

I just wrote a small part of a paper on this poem that I chose.  I really liked it.

I tried copying the poem here but every time the formatting goes nuts. dumb.

and i almost bought this shirt, but i figure i should save my money. need to pay for classes again soon.

i need to do crazy amounts of homework this weekend.  oy.

pipe down already

2008-12-04T16:30:00.002-05:00

listening to: Legion of Doom - Destroy All Vampires(My Chemical Romance + A Static Lullaby)

i would go NUTS if that happened.

it won't.

but if it did.

i would go insane.

i am quiet in ways that i am very quiet about.

and it makes me want to punch the loud ones.

hm... title.

2008-12-04T00:51:00.002-05:00

listening to: Regina Spektor - On the Radio

just had a pretty intense discussion about pokemon with my roommates and two visiting friends.

fantastic.

except i can't find my blue version. but i found a bunch of other random stuff i forgot i had.

i like digging through old objects that i don't need at all. it's digging through memories.

but i still want to get rid of a ton of it. i just don't need so much stuff.

tonight at my soccer game i felt like i finally clicked. i finally got back into it and played well. maybe it was scoring 6 goals last week, gave me confidence or something. we played the (by far) hardest team in our league. they destroyed us last time we played against them. we played solid though tonight. more importantly to me, i played pretty solid. i still don't feel like i'm where i used to be, but i feel like i tried way harder this time. it was really rewarding to do well. we lost the game by a couple goals, but it was really close throughout the whole match. loved it.

my dad was there to watch. after the game we went and got shakes at mcdonalds and i listened for a long while, as is fairly typical nowadays. i'm not saying listening is a bad thing, i just don't really have much input to speak myself. but he told me something that made me very glad. last sunday my mom called him and offered to come by and put up/decorate a Christmas tree for him. granted, she wanted to do it while he was gone from the house, but still... she actually offered. i think that's a really good sign. time and prayer, prayer and time.

i've got more homework to do than my current work eithic would indicate.

this weekend will be a little crazy.

but i'll live.

and that's good.

if you'll excuse me, i've got some sleeping to do.

try it

2008-12-03T14:00:00.003-05:00

i was walking through the cold with my shoulders hunched up to keep my coat closer to me for warmth. then i realized what i was doing and i relaxed and let my shoulders down. everything felt different.

maybe a complex metaphor there.

also, a quote that i lolled at:

"the wheels of justice are gonna leave tread marks on your face old man!"

go go

2008-12-02T23:47:00.005-05:00

listening to: Counting Crows - Hanging Around

heard this song on the drive back home from HH tonight. i sang along loudly and loved it. it would be a lot of fun to play this with people clapping along.

great day today.

was less productive this afternoon than i planned on, but that's ok. i got really distracted by this desire:

i don't usually like to post multiple videos in one post because i feel like people are less likely to watch them, but this is a great clip from a great movie and it's funny because it appears to be in spanish.

so yeah, i want to learn to play it, i started a little.

today during HH i went to the cookie-making station. i made a cookie with pink frosting on it.

after i made it, it made me remember the cookies my mom used to make for me and put in my lunch.

around valentines day she would make heart shaped cookies.

it would be one whole heart cookie with pink frosting on it and

then another heart shaped cookie on top.

but the one on top had another heart cut out of the center of it.

there was less worry those days.

i love music and i want to play it for the rest of my life.

here's another of those thoughts i've been trying to remember:

it's so much easier to write some one off once you've labeled them.

i find myself labeling too much. judging on first impression, on looks alone.

i should try to stop that.

anwayz. doing a little homework then sleeping. peace out yo.

i get it now

2008-12-02T15:16:00.004-05:00

listening to: Thrice - Between the End and Where We Lie

in a small attempt at putting off homework for just a little bit longer i was going through old files, deleting some stuff that i don't need anymore, old homework and such. i came across an email i had written and sent over a year ago now, i saved a copy of it (because i do things like that sometimes).

i dropped a bomb on that girl.

oh, i wrote it well. everything i thought spilled out right into the words and i said what i meant and i made it clear. i'm scarcely ever that direct.

i can see now why i'm dead to her. rereading those lines and putting myself in her place... i'd be seriously messed up for a long while after all that happened afterward. there is nothing i can do to change what i did.

i don't know if you still keep up on me, i'd keep up on you if i knew how. i know what i did and i'm absolutely horrible for doing so.

maybe i've got it wrong and i have less to do with it than i think. but i won't know. i'm just sorry.

maybe someday i'll make a song about it and maybe you'll hear it and think of saying hi, just dropping a line. maybe.

i am so sorry, twin.

thoughts come and go

2008-12-02T00:56:00.003-05:00

listening to: The Spill Canvas - All Hail the Heartbreaker

i like this song. not my usual style. but i like it. ignore the slideshow

i forgot to mention the other day that saturday night when i was thinking of the song "Trading My Sorrows," we played it in church the next day. very nice.

random thought: having a really sweet phone does not get you any more phone calls than usual. i don't say that with any bit of sadness, just some humor at the thought.

there's at least two more quoteworthy things i've thought of in the past couple days but i can never remember them when i got to write them down. forever elusive.

and right now i can't even remember what i began this to write about.

hm.......

well, i guess this concludes tonight's blog. haha.

i'm making music and loving it.

and it's homework. even better.

peace.

such beautiful words

2008-12-01T08:46:00.005-05:00

the is the final message sent out to my No Shave November group. i loved it.

--------

December has arrived.

Mere words cannot possibly do justice to the feelings of pride I'm currently brimming with for all you, but I feel it's my duty to make a feeble attempt regardless.

I could rant and rave endlessly with all sorts of grandiloquent language about what a punishing struggle the past month of gnarliness and shagginess may have been for you. But you know about that better than I do. You've been there. And why focus on the dreary experiences of yore when victory has already been attained?

Likewise, I could also blather on about the glorious trophies of masculinity adorning each of our faces, and how satisfying it is to now possess bragging rights about maintenance abstinence. But little needs to be said there either, because no one likes it when people restate the obvious.

And so, though I have no idea how to conclude this event in paragraph form, I'd say it's almost better that way. You know what you did. And you know that your position on the scale of general awesomeness has climbed tenfold because of your accomplishment. So give yourself a pat on the back, followed by a hearty stroke of the furry chin.

Some of you have expressed on the event wall that you see no reason to shave now just because of some random date set by Pope Gregory XIII during the Renaissance. I agree wholeheartedly, but must personally abstain from such continuation because of disappointing pressure from my boss. But for those of you who seek to wield your beards for days, weeks or even months to come, I commend you, and you have my blessing. Godspeed to you.

It's been a true pleasure carrying the flag for this great American tradition this year. I'm still amazed that over 1400 people chose to participate in this just through this one event in the Book of Faces, and it blows my mind trying to imagine how many more followers were recruited through similar event pages. Finally, I'd just like to say that I seriously relish in the fact that over 4000 people are going to find this message in their Inbox at some time in the next few days, and will then proceed to be disappointed that it wasn't something important.

Go now and shave with a bittersweet heart.

With all my verbose nonsense,
Mike Mirza

-----------------

so much awesome in there.

i can't stop laughing this morning.

this letter + steve in his car + the lolcat i made last night = me laughing out loud to myself at random.

this is a good morning.

a couple thoughts

2008-11-30T22:39:00.003-05:00

listening to: The Devil Wears Prada - Dogs Can Grow Beards All Over

no shave november is ending in approximately 10 minutes.

it will probably be done by the time i finish this.

note the title of the song i'm listening to. appropriate.

today at work i was coming up with music to a song.

i made up some sweet stuff in my head and i really really hope i don't forget what it is.

in my mind it's sort of this cross between Anberlin, dredg and some Protest the Hero thrown in the. the PtH aspect came from me thinking "this part sounds a little bit repetetive and stagnant, what would Protest the Hero do?" haha. i started a bit of lyrics too. there is definitely screaming involved. i'd like to see me actually carry this idea through to something instead of dropping it like i do too many others.

here's a thought.

the more lonley i feel, the more alone i get.

i do not feel either lonely or alone right now. it's just a thought i had the other day. when i'm lonely i think i tend to seclude myself. i'm not saying i've done this recently or anything, but i think it's something that holds pretty true for me. i get more introspective and such i think. whatev dawg.

here's another thought.

i seldom win at solitaire. it's just true.

and a last thought.

sometimes when i look in the mirror i see different versions of me. lately i've seen a me that's pretty confident. i'm happy with myself. and i like having a beard :D i see a me that feels alive. occasionally i'll see somebody else. but ever since i got my hair cut, i feel new. i feel better. there's nothing for me to hide behind, and i know i hid behind my hair plenty of times. it's funny, a handful of people at work who didn't recognize me after the haircut said they only realized it was me when i smiled. i liked hearing that. i like smiling. i like life. yeah? yeah.

i need to find something to get me pumped up for my soccer games. something to make care less about getting hit, because i'd play a lot better if i could keep the thought in my head that i'm not made of glass. any suggestions? what gets you pumped?

i think metal would work pretty well if i could play it loud. i can't broadcast my music in my car though, and i'm not about to turn the earbuds on my zune to 11 while they sit just outside my ear canal. ya feel me? maybe something like... chewing shrapnel or boxing a kangaroo. yeah.

"chainsaw brutality, tornado strength"

that's all. :)

this is it

2008-11-30T21:09:00.001-05:00

you have no idea why i'm posting this. do you?

except for you.

insides

2008-11-29T19:29:00.004-05:00

listening to: The Number Twelve Looks Like You - My Sharona (originally by The Knack)

today i realized i'm attracted, or drawn to, tragedy/sadness/lonliness.

i don't mean that to say that I want to be any of those things, but hostorically that kind of thing has drawn me towards a girl, seeing that in them. there's this desire in me to fix, to make better, to comfort, and so when i see that need i want to help it. this isn't necessarily a bad impulse, but handled incorrectly it can cause more harm than good.

and it's not just today that i realized this point, i've known this about myself for a while now. but today is the first time i've realized how this impulse in me has been affecting my thinking lately, in a way i don't wish to share with the interwebz. (i say a lot, but i don't say everything here)

i understand sadness and lonliness, and i know it's not fun. i can relate to it. that's part of why i'm drawn to make it better for another person sometimes. but since when has joy and happiness attracted me? can i not relate to those things as well as i can the sad things?

i hope that's not the case.

but that's why something lately has felt so strange to me. i realized that i've been searching for some sign of sadness, of lonliness, of a desire to not be alone. i've been looking for an empty feeling of discontent that i can fill. is that because i think that then there's a reason for me to be around? like i have a place to belong to? i don't know. this is my thought process as i go along.

but maybe now i want joy instead of sadness. maybe i want to join in with the happiness instead of trying to be the reason for it.

maybe i'm figuring myself out and finding my faults and learning where i'm weak and seeing where to walk. maybe i'll do something different.

i wish i could talk to a clone of myself for a day. or maybe less than a day. i probably couldn't stand myself for too long. i think i could talk a lot of sense into me, given a little time. i know the stupid things i do, the things that don't make sense. i'd be the only one willing to be hard enough on myself to get through to me. when my voice is only in my head though, it's easy to shut out. i should take the advice i'd give me if i asked myself.

heh.

this is absolutely all about relationships.

-----

in other news:

i drove out to Ionia today to pick up a guitar case i bought from a guy on craigslist. $50, but he gave it to me for $40 because i drove all the way out there. nice guy. now i have a hard case for my guitar and i'm pleased.

hung out with rich, adam, twinkia, travis and casey again tonight. last night twinkie broke my little chair that rocks and he felt real bad. he had the same kind of chair at home, but upgraded to leather, and while i was at his house he made me take that home with me to replace it. and he bought me some burger king. he wouldn't let me pay him back for it. it's a shame i don't hang out with him aside from when rich, adam or travis come home. travis won't be back for another year. air force. las vegas. bye dude.

lovely friends, those guys are. had a good talk with rich last night. i miss him when he's gone in chicago for so long. cya on Christmas break.

the semester is ending fast.

i'm not unhappy about that at all.

time to flip on the last bit of Back to the Future II that i fell asleep for and the fall asleep again, like i do most every night. sleep is good.

i'm trading my sorrow
i'm trading my shame
i'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord

clothing

2008-11-28T21:49:00.004-05:00

tshirts that are clever or cool are some of my favorite things in the world.

this is one reason what i absolutely love shirt.woot.com.

here's a clever shirt i found someplace else:

it made me lul.

and if you see me sometime, ask me to show you what i did to my phone, because it makes the nerd in me very, very pleased.

rich and friends are coming over. i think.

i need a shower.

oh! i scored 4 goals in my soccer game tonight. that's a jarrod all-time record. they actually called back my 4th goal because they said i tripped a girl. in reality, she kicked me and fell down. she even said to me "i kicked you." lamesauce. it was great fun though.

watched the first Back to the Future last night. it turns out i can watch stuff from my bed pretty darn well if i move my second monitor a bit. i think maybe i'll watch BttF II tonight. we'll see.

and i've got Journey's Anyway You Want It stuck in my head beacuse i've heard it multiple times lately. i like that song.

ok, shower time. peace.

some cool stuff

2008-11-27T20:33:00.008-05:00

stuff i saw/did today.

this is via the Lunch Bag Art tumblr, which has some really cool stuff. it's all photos of lunch bag art this dad does for his kids. super awesome, check them out. this one was just funny, the dad's caption was "this one didn't make it to school"

here's a picture i saved from a shirt at Woot. can you guess what famous court case this shirt is a visual depiction of?

and finally a video i just made. some guitar stuff. the small beginnings of a song i'd like to make and call "Who Uses a Pick Anyway?" the song would be pretty much all fingertapping stuff on my part. maybe some strums, but not with a pick. it's a little sloppy, but i made it up like 10 minutes before recording it. i should practice it up.

Who uses guitar picks? from Jarrod Pyper on Vimeo.

my thanksgiving was a little meh today. just family stuff. and now just kind of sitting around home hasn't been the greatest of joys. i think i'll go make a sandwhich and play some games or something. i haven't played much of anything lately. watching a movie and falling asleep sounds good too.

this morn

2008-11-27T09:07:00.002-05:00

this is a message sent via facebook from one of the managers at costco to all the employees he is friends with on facebook:

Happy thanksgiving to all. Eat too much, drink too much, and live with no regret. Remember to celebrate that on this day people who wore completely impractical clothing and made poor choices with an enlarged sense of ego were bailed out by people they later helped to eliminate with the vast assortment of diseases and technology they brought with them from Europe. Gobble, gobble.

Happythanksgiving to all.
-Joe

he always was my favorite manager.

haha. Happy Thanksgiving friends.

superstar

2008-11-26T23:59:00.003-05:00

cute.

Dog Fight from Jarrod Pyper on Vimeo

today was fantastic.

woke up early to go to JCS to film their Thanksgiving assembly. The kindergarteners and 1st graders were super cute all dressed as pilgrims and indians. brown paper bag-shirts with custom indian drawings in marker are the coolest.

visited my dad for a bit.

came home and emo and i watched the dogs in the video tear into a garbage bag and then play fight for a bit.

started work on my music project for class. i'm pretty excited to see how it turns out. all i have so far is an intro drum beat. i'm not sure if i'll want to keep using a video editor (primier) to do this, when i think i can do it in sony acid. ah well.

work went great. quick. fun. good people.

i feel more comfortable at work and around people there than i do a lot of other places. i see the friends i work with more often than i see other friends or even family. and outside of work i almost never hang out with the people from work. strange. i wish i worked with more of the friends i have.

had a soccer game tonight. i scored 3 goals. !!!! i don't think i've ever done that in a game. a hat trick. it was very fun. one was even a shot with my left foot. and i almost was so close to nailing a bycicle kick that i'm sure would have gone in if i would have connected with the ball. as it happened though, people just thought that it probably hurt. but it didn't because i have a beard now and i'm a man.

my dad and little sister came to watch me play, which was very nice considering how well i did tonight. my dad made a comment about how i play, he said that i just do things people don't expect me to be able to do (my hackey sack skillz are the reason) and i do it all with a very disarming smile. and i do frequently remember myself grinning like an idiot a lot while i played. i usually do. i just enjoy playing soccer, and i enjoy the people there. it's just fun. there's nothing else to worry about, just the game.

i need to remember to talk about intelligence sometime. i've been meaning to but i forgot, and this seems too long right now to get into that.

but i'll end with a thought i had while pushing carts today, and carts btw is a great thing to do when you'd like to just think about things. it's about joy and contentment.

it's not about pursuing joy, chasing after it, but seeing the joy around you and taking hold of it, loving it. that's contentment.

eh, not that good. i think whatever i thought of earlier today was better, but i didn't write it down so i can't remember. and it's not like i think you should go after things that make you happy and bring joy, but it's important to notice and be thankful for what you do have. which is what this day right now is about.

oh, and emo is going home for the weekend. whenever one of us goes away somewhere we have this tradition of wishing no death to each other. we just had that exchange via aim and it made me laugh.

"if you like it then you should have put a ring on it" - i have not been able to get that tune out of my head all day and it's driving me crazy, and it's probably good that no one heard me casually humming/maybepossiblyslightlysingingundermybreath that song. oh lulz.

the oldest bones

2008-11-26T13:04:00.002-05:00

i opened my hands and it felt like opening the pages of old memories.

everything is there, etched in every line

all the stories in the skin

all the cracks filled in with time

Sad Prayers For Guilty Bodies

2008-11-25T12:54:00.004-05:00

because i had the TIME to do this. feels so good to have time.

alex had an interesting one posted, so let's see how it turns out for me.

Da Rulz:
1. Put Your iTunes/Windows Media Player/ETC on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.

1) If someone says, "Is this okay?" you say:
Red Stars Over the Battle of the Cowshed

2) How would you describe yourself?
Time is Running Out

3) What do you like in a girl/guy?
Yamete Shite Sawaranaide (bahaha that's japanese. does that mean something?)

4) How do you feel today?
Come Down

5) What is your life's purpose?

What is Love? (now my head is bobbing)

6) What is your motto?
Homesick

7) What do you friends think of you?
Don't Stop Believin' (haha)

8) What do you think of your parents?
HTML Rulez D00d

9) What do you think about very often?
Josie

10) What is 2+2?
Sleep

11) What do you think of your best friend?
I Just Got This Symphony Goin' (Live)

12) What do you think of the person you like?
Save Tonight (sheesh)

13) What is your life story?
[Untitled Track] (haha i like that. it also happens to be a # 12 song, chock full of screaming and crazy guitars. yeah)

14) What do you want to be when you grow up?
Swisha (i wish something like "cutsman" would have come up)

15) What do you think of when you see the person you like?
Modefy the Pronunciation

16) What will you dance to at your wedding?
Are You Happy (ohhh... that's definitely more of a breakup song, but the title sounds kinda nice)

17) What will they play at your funeral?
Irony of Dying on Your Birthday (.....awe....)

18) What is your hobby/interest?
Choke On This

19) What is your biggest fear?
The Hardest Part (that works)

20) What is your biggest secret?
Who Wants to Die

21) What do you think of your friends?
The Fool (ahaha it's not true!)

22) What will you post this as?

Sad Prayers for Guilty Bodies

an encouraging message

2008-11-25T02:37:00.002-05:00

this is the second encouraging message sent out to the members of the No Shave November group that i'm a part of:

It's been a long journey through the valleys and mountains of caustic abstinence, but the end of the tunnel is in sight. The worst of our trials have undoubtedly passed, and the few pitfalls that remain look about as threatening as a flopping Goldeen in Super Smash Bros. Hairy glory is practically within in reach.

But not quite yet.

While finishing strong may seem inevitable, it's in times of prosperity and hope like these that temptation can permeate us the most. "You've pretty much already gone the whole way. You know you could make it all four weeks if you wanted to, and I do too, so what do you have to prove? Just shave it already. Don't you want to look nice for Thanksgiving? Beards don't look nice." I know too many good men who bought into lies of their peers just like that, and of the heartbreak and guilt that ensued and engulfed them later. "Friends" like these don't actually care about you like they claim. They are masters of deception who seek to ruin your fun, because they're bitter on account of their inability of have similar joy of their own.

So I implore you: Sever those risky ties! Cast out the wolves that plague your flock! Do not hesitate to burn bridges with those who show the slightest inclinations of opposition to your facial hair, for those who truly love you understand your quest and just want you to be happy regardless of their preferences.

I know that making these kinds of relational decisions is far easier said than done, but I'm confident that the benefits you'll reap will far outweigh the momentary pain and awkwardness of dismissing these wolves. Just think of what kind of other disasters these fiends might try to lead you towards in the future if you don't put your foot down now! The horrors filling my head right now are unspeakable.

6 days left. 24 already conquered. Make the right decision.

Out of genuine care,
Mike Mirza
-------------------------
stand strong my bearded brethren! we shall be true men by the month's end!

haha i'm loving this stuff.

met with JCS today with Steve. we're going to do the videos for the school. i must remember to tithe with the money they pay us, because they are being pretty darn generous, at least from my point of view.

today was a great day. i used the phrase "take it and turn it" in my marketing presentation. our group was voted best presentation by the class. class is now done for the week. and i got to work in majors almost my whole shift.

i will enjoy relaxing tomorrow.
but tonight it is chilly and i feel slightly lonely. the dual comforters on my bed look quite inviting.
my head is spinning from looking at the computer screen.
i must away.
night.

good grief

2008-11-23T01:40:00.003-05:00

the more I read the paper's turned in by my group-mates that contain the information that I have to do a presentation about, the more i think to myself, "dear God, I am the only one who knows how to use correct grammar, construct a sentence effectively, and not use the same word four times in one sentence.

i am editing their papers and re-emailing them out before they get put into our final presentation binder.

Concert was good. My hearing is muffled. I'm also wearing a hood.
Thrice was amazing as always. Gaslight Anthem was not impressive. Alkaline Trio was ok. I think Alex put it well when he said "i've heard eighth notes before." Rise Against had pretty lights. They were the second best easily. They wouldn't stop playing and let us leave to get slurpees though.

I'm waaaaay behind on homework. Tomorrow i have to do all my drawing for this past week. yikes. I just finished a small project that got dumped on me via phone by a marketing group-mate that doesn't have internet right now or something like that. gah.

I guess sleeping would be a good idea too.... hm....

Our internet has been a little fritzy here the past few days. really slow a lot of the time. really not fun. comcast is supposed to come check it out monday though.

i always think of a bunch of things i want to write about, but i forget about them once i start writing.

i NEED Thanksgiving break. i need a break bad. although i imagine things may be a little awkward with the fam. being with my mom's side of the family may be very interesting. i am serisouly going to flip out at them if they start talking bad about my dad or my sister, especially since my sister will be right there. oh, she got in a car accident today i found out. she's fine though.

no matter how tumultuous things get with my family, i am ever thankful for the famliy i have with His House. Papa Rodd, Mama Jas, Uncle AJ and all us kids. I loves them.

now i'm off to bed at 2am to continue my long streak of a lack of sleep for sunday mornings. sheesh.

simply stunning

2008-11-19T22:14:00.002-05:00

i got this video via theo's twitter.
after watching it, i couldn't possibly NOT post it, even if just out of sheer respect for the effort that went into it.
it is truly awesome.
i give you, Bike Hero

crazy cool right!?

anyway.

i've got a cold. it seems less severe today than it was yesterday. that's good. i bought food today, and ate some.
i had a soccer game. i disappoint myself because i'm not so good anymore. that's what i get for not playing for so long. well, now i'm on 2 teams for the rest of the session. maybe i can whip myself back into shape or something.
i decided not to wear my shin guards this game because they are just an annoyance to put on and take off. i told myself "it's no big deal, you've done it before, you won't miss them." and i missed them. about 10 minutes into the game i got kicked in the lower leg. pretty sure it's going to turn out to be a nice sized bruise. i almost had to come out because it hurt to put weight on it, but it went away after a bit. still hurts now, but i'll live. no big deal.

the thing about me and soccer over the years is that as everyone has gotten older, they can kick harder, but i don't think i'm any faster. so you can see how that = fail. plus, today i realized that i jump backwards every time somebody goes to shoot the ball, which is a bad move. i need to stop doing that and be brave. i've gotten hit with the ball enough to know that the pain doesn't last, and if i'm into the game enough i hardly even feel it at first. heh. i think i need to find something to get me pumped for the game, get me energized, get me wanting to throw myself in front of a speeding soccer ball like only a madman would want to do. game face.

to close this out, here's an excerpt from a short piece we read in my fiction class. it's taken from the short story "Snow" by Ann Beattie.

This is a story, told the way you say stories should be told. Somebody grew up, fell in love and spent a winter with her lover in the country. This, of course, is the barest outline and futile to discuss. It's as pointless as throwing birdseed on the ground while snow still falls fast. Who expects small things to survive when even the largest get lost? People forget years and remember moments. Seconds and symbols are left to sum things up: the black shroud over the pool. Love, in its shortest form, becomes a word. What I remember about all that time is one winter. The snow. even now, saying "snow," my lips move so that they kiss the air.

well, i liked it.
make good moments.
now i have to do homework.
peace.

no title

2008-11-18T02:14:00.002-05:00

listening to: Judgement Day - Out of the Abyss

Judgement Day. Sweet band. Cello, Violin, Drums. Awesome. The violinist plays for Bright Eyes, if that tempts you to watch. although you'll probably be disappointed if you expect Bright Eyes style music. heh.

i'm should not even be up writing this right now.
i'm coming down with a cold and i need sleep.

got my Marshall amp head back today. $50 later and it now works fantastic. yeah!
bought a delay pedal and it's sweet.

going to buy a tuning pedal, power for pedals, and extra instrument cables. throwing in a slide to bump the price up enough for free shipping.

super excited to use my half stack at His House tomorrow. just need to put casters on the cab and it's set.

i had more to say, but i forgot.
meh. so SLEEPY.
going to bed.

but sometimes it's a good hurt

2008-11-16T22:24:00.002-05:00

listening to: Incubus - Love Hurts

heard this on radio during the drive home tonight

"love hurts,
but sometimes it's a good hurt
and it feels like i'm alive.
love sings,
when it transcends the bad things
have a heart and try me
'cause without love i won't survive."

i need to grow up.
i just have this... thing. i've said it before.
i hope i grow to like this guy because otherwise i'll loathe him.
and for no good reason.
it's my worst jealousy, and oh i hate it, but it lives.

i feel like i never have time.
every time i'm home i feel like i should be doing homework.
and the time i have to do things like writing these words is time that i'm stealing from homework. i have to steal time away from homework. it's not planned, i just find ways to get distracted doing other things. i want to do other things; play guitar, watch a movie, play games. but that doesn't happen unless it just happens. like, i have to stumble upon doing something else, like walking into emo's room and seeing that some friends are watching a movie.

part of why i love soccer and playing music so much is because while i'm doing those things i don't think about what else i could/should be doing. i don't think about homework or obligations. nothing outside matters.

anyway, i'm just avoiding drawing again.
feeling kind of down. but there's plenty to be happy about.
just need to knock out this homework and go to bed.

night.

i wrote a paper

2008-11-14T14:54:00.003-05:00

i wrote this paper today as an assignment. we just had to write a dialogue between two people about anything we wanted. i also had to include at least one quote from Plato's Crito. i put some thoughts in it that i've been meaning to write down anyway, so why not just copy/paste eh?
---------------------------------

The View From Up Here

Her. Why did you follow me?

Him. I was worried about you. And to see you standing on the edge like that, maybe I was right to be concerned. I want to talk. Can we?

Her. I guess. I’ve got some time.

Him. Can we go downstairs? The rooftop isn’t quite the ideal place for a conversation.

Her. No I’m staying here. I’m never going down unless it’s falling over the side.

Him. Don’t say things like that, why would you say that?

Her. Because it’s pointless! Everything is pointless; our lives have no meaning beyond ourselves! We live and we breathe and we get hurt and we hurt other people and we watch everyone before us die and we never see them again. And then we die and if nobody remembers us we might as well have never existed. We don’t even have a purpose; we just reproduce and go on messing up the world we live in.

Him. What about God?

Her. Hah! Your God? The one that all you hypocrites follow? Maybe one day I could believe that there was something that made the world but I’d never believe it was your God, the one that’s supposed to be so kind and forgiving. The one that’s supposed to love me no matter what but gives me a list of rules to follow if I want to be rewarded?

Him. What do you mean?

Her. Well let’s say for one second that there is a God. How can he love me if I’ve had to go through so much pain in my life? If everyone goes through so much pain in life?

Him. That’s a good point. Can I ask you a couple of questions?

Her. Okay.

Him. Can you force some one to love you?

Her. No, that wouldn’t be real love.

Him. Right, so do you agree that real love has to be a free will decision?

Her. Yeah.

Him. Then if God really loves us and wants our real love and devotion in return, he can’t force it. He has to let us choose to love or deny. Make sense?

Her. Yes I see what you mean. But still, why do I have to go through so much if he loves me?

Him. God loves all people, no matter who it is or what they’ve done, and all people are given free will. When people choose to be selfish and act only on their own desires, that’s when they hurt other people. It’s not God’s plan, but his love prevents him from restricting free will. When the end comes people will have to account for how they lived their lives, the choices they made. God loves, but he is also just in punishment.

Her. But if God is loving, then why would he be so punishing?

Him. God is loving and just. What you are asking puts God in an impossible position. How can there be justice without punishment? God cannot be just without dealing with the consequences of a person’s choices and actions.

Her. But don’t you say that we are all sinners? That means everyone should be punished. How loving can that be?

Him. This is where God’s balance of love and justice are revealed. God will punish those for the evil they do in their lives, but because God is loving he provides a way for us to be saved from what we justly deserve. God punished one man, his son Jesus, who had done absolutely nothing wrong, and because Jesus was perfect, a completely holy sacrifice, that paid the price for all of us. All we have to do is use our free will to accept it. If we choose to live for ourselves our own way, then we get to pay our own price for the evil in our lives.

Her. But we have to follow a bunch of rules then right? How is that loving or an example of free will?

Him. Are you familiar with Plato’s Crito?

Her. Yes, why?

Him. Something Socrates said in that dialogue really applies here, “…he ought to live and train, and eat and drink in the way which seems good to his single master who has understanding, rather than according to the opinion of all other men put together?” God, as our creator, knows how we were designed to live and what is best for us. His rules aren’t restrictions, but a guide on how to live a life that will give you the most happiness while also being pleasing to God. What loving parent wouldn’t place rules on their children or punish them when they go astray? A parent understands far more than a child; they raise them with discipline out of love. In the same way, God understands far more than we do. Wouldn’t it be smart to follow his instruction?

Her. But isn’t that just like giving a child candy if they do what you tell them? It’s giving rewards for good behavior.

Him. If God exists outside of time in the way we understand the concept of “time,” he knows our past, present and future. God can see our choices laid out before us and he has an ideal plan for our lives that would gives us the most joy and prosperity. When we follow that plan by living the way God intends us to, we open ourselves up to the opportunities for our lives that God has in store. When we live our own way, we miss out on what could have been, trading an unknown good for what we could see in front of us. And I would argue that what we didn’t see around the corner, or maybe even far down the road, would have been greater in comparison to what we chose on our own. Does that make sense?

Her. Yeah I guess so, but I still have some more questions. Listen, can we go inside and talk? It’s getting cold up here.

Him. Yeah, sure. Follow me.