bye bye

i'm leaving for florida.

i'll be back sunday the 8th.  sometime around noon, if things go as planned.

no internets there.  i'll probably update twitter a little via phone.

i'm trusting that my family won't fall farther apart while i'm gone.

please God?

and i'll be missing that girl that i've grown so attached to.

i don't even have any pictures to take with me!

i didn't think about that...

i'll keep my eyes to the stars.

and i'll probably have something to say when i get back.

it'll have been long enough then right?

:)

farewell.

writing

i don't blog as much when i've got somebody to talk to about the things i think about.  i just like sharing what's on my mind and usually once i've shared it i feel good about it and don't really need to write it out.

quickly though, here's some things i've been up to:

-soccer is done for a bit, maybe my ankle will get better now

-watched Wrist Cutters: A Love Story, and liked it.  Alex and Taylor, good recommendation.

-got GIANT donuts from Sarah.  srsly, these things are huge.  I told emo about them and when he actually saw them he was surprised at how big they actually were.

-been greatly enjoying the company of a super awesome beautiful girl that just so happens to call me her boyfriend.

-watched Hot Rod.  Ultimate Punch!  yes.

-friday i'm leaving for Florida with His House.  i'm really looking forward to it and it's going to be amazing and awesome and fun but i will miss a certain girl back home here.  oh well, it will only be that much better when i see her again.

that's all, time to go to work.

speaking of work, thanks Scott, for saying i have good writing.

peace out yo.  :)

there were many times today when i thought i caught the scent of strawberries drifting past me and i looked around every time.

i guess having somebody to miss means that you will miss them at some point.  haha.

but really, this isn't so bad.

today was good, as was yesterday, and the transition from yesterday into today was good too.  got like 2 hours or so of sleep.  woke up early to go check in with the dog i'm kinda taking care of for the weekend.  that dog and i were getting along fine the last time i saw him.  now he hates me.  i got bit, and therefore bled (not a lot).  i tried to use pretzels to plead my case with the dog, but he wouldn't have any of that.  well, he would have the pretzels, but it didn't seem to help our relationship much.  i had to use a pretzel to trick him into going outside.

later on when i visited him after work, things went better.  dog treats helped.  i didn't get bit.  i played around with him, chased him in circles around a chair.  there were still a lot of uneasy moments though, like the awkward silence + eye contact that can happen between people who are still a little unsure of each other.

and then i had an epic fail moment.  the passenger side rearview mirror on my car is currently hanging useless on the side of my car and i'm an idiot.  i think some duct tape will fix this though.  fix the mirror, not the idiot part.

but still, still... so much to be thankful for.

i was thinking of la dispute songs while pushing carts around in the snow (which btw is really difficult).  i stole the syncopation from a song or two of theirs to write some words in my head.  these words are sometimes called lyrics.

and then the storm reared it's horns in the darkness,

and bared it's teeth within the wailing of the wind.

a siren's song calls you to sleep among the black waves,

but i will die before i let them take you in.

yes i will try, though it may tear me limb from limb.

---------

we'll see.  i see a story of a ship in stormy seas there.

i need to get going on some homework before i fall asleep.  need to wake up earlier than a usual sunday so i can stop by the dog again.  really, i don't mind, i like helping out.  btw the dog's name is Dakota, but i don't think it's spelled that way.  this is why i didn't use his name until now, because i didn't want to do it wrong.  oh well.

please

dear God, please don't let me ever, ever take this girl for granted.

i would never want to mess things up.

i am really happy.

yes

today i wore my favorite thrice shirt.

today i wore my favorite thrice jacket.

i was planning on today being one of my favorite days.

my preparations were well placed.

i'm goin' steady with the coolest girl i know.

still not quite sure how i lucked out on this one.... but i'm happy.

really happy.

thanks

this is post #350.

is that significant?  i don't think it is.

it's currently 8:12am, and there's no way i'd usually be up writing at this hour.  my 7:45am class was cancelled today, but nobody knew about it until we were already sitting in the class, wondering/hoping if it was cancelled.  i think i might go get some more sleep shortly, we'll see.

i thought of something on the very chilly walk to class though.

it's only over the past year that i've been really starting to learn what love is.  and i definitely do not mean just bf/gf kind of love.

i've always been awkward around love, even the true, caring, friendship kind of love.  i don't know why.  but there's been a few good friends that have helped show me what it's like to love your friend truly as a brother or sister.  i appreciate that a lot.

thanks AJ, Taylor, Kelley, Nick.  you guys are first that come to mind.  it's not only your interactions with me that i've learned from, but just how you live with the people around you.

i've got to say, right now i'm probably the best i've ever been.

if nothing else, i'm at least the oldest i've ever been.

:)

good things

today was full of good things.

i got to share music i liked with my music listening class. (judgement day and thrice)

good meeting at JCS about the video. (they'll be paying steve and i soon)

subway for lunch

i got some homework accomplished.

dub trio is next month.   phew

i got a package from noellen in the mail. (loop pedal + kettle pops)

(i just realized i forgot to do something)

i rode with AJ to His House

i was at HH (suited up, yo)

found a $20 applebees gift card in my suit pocket

the pub

i rode back with Sarah.

the office, heroes, ice pirates

hug goodbye.

it was a really good day.

"hello" is a good time for a hug too.

i feel like i failed when i don't have something to say.  sometimes.  but i think that's ridiculous of me to think such things.

i didn't realize how much i wanted all of this.

i'm happier, despite all there is that could drag me down.

i think too much.   :)

candle burning

what would they all think if i didn't make it?

if i gave up now?

i made it really far...

this isn't my dream anymore, and it's hard to be motivated.

no, i can't give up though.  and i can do it.

i'm just getting burned out.

i need this spring break badly.

a week where i don't think of homework and school will be a blessed week indeed.

everything just feels....

RIGHT.

near and far

though my dad's new house is only a two minute drive away from the old, it's still miles away from the home i used to know.

the boy with the brave faces threw his masks into the sea

"i'll hide nothing from you, i'll keep nothing for me"

i helped my dad move stuff from the old house to the new one today.

i'm being a little dramatic.  i apologize.

positives:

-dogs

-pasta

-Takeru Kobayashi vs a Bear

-star wars episode 3

-strawberry

-mountain children

-not sleeping. like... at all.

all smiles

dear dad,

i'm excited about the new house you're getting.  thanks for having us go to applebees.  if i had a stupid smile on my face while you were talking, i'm sorry, but i had a good reason.

love, jarrod.

-------------

and today was so good.

-costco (yeah schedule change)

-panera

-ddr

-smash bros

-wii bowling (i turned pro ftw)

-ice pirates (lulz and fail)

-soccer

-applebees

and all with one really awesome girl.

couldn't have been better.

right now i have this song stuck in my head.

and i don't even know the words.

i just want to play that riff.

faces

if you have no face, you have no fear.

it makes sense if you think of the term "save face."

if you don't have to prove anything to anybody, you don't have to care what they think.

no-face made me think of it.

deep breaths

i think maybe sometimes things get to me more than i even realize.

i'm trying to calm myself down now.

i called my brother because i wanted to talk to him but he didn't answer.  he was probably asleep because he has school tomorrow.

my heart was beating too fast and i layed down and said i could lay there and maybe take a nap and i'll just set my alarm for about a half hour away but it didn't really work.  i just laid there and felt my heart beating too much and i tried to breathe slow but it didn't feel like it was helping.  i was ok for a little while when i was daydreaming but i didn't fall asleep for a nap.

the problem is that i'm supposed to be doing my homework but i'm trying to do it and i forgot how and nothing seems familiar about it.  i want to do it but i can't remember and it seems too big and it's frustrating and i actually don't want to do it.

but the real problem is probably that everything with my family bothers me more than i even let myself know.

the whole family is never together anymore and i miss that and i don't want it to stay this way.

today my dad told me that he's moving into a house.  he's getting a new house and it's not far away at all and there's room for the whole family in it if things get back together.  and we'd have cody back too.  and that's good news, really good.  it means arif doesn't have to find a place to stay so he can keep his job.

and maybe it's because i'm tired but i just feel overwhelmed.  all i wanted to do was talk to west.

this might be difficult to explain.

i don't let myself be weak.

or maybe i just don't let weakness be an excuse for me.

if there's something i'm supposed to do, i'm supposed to do it even if it's hard for me, unreasonably hard.

that's why when i'm sick i feel bad and guilty about calling in sick to work.

that's why when i rolled my ankle real bad i didn't complain when they put me on carts because i didn't want to be giving an excuse for not doing what was expected of me, even if i had a good reason why i shouldn't.

that's why when i feel like i'm having a minor breakdown and i can't figure out how to do my homework and i'm frustrated and i'm upset... i still feel like i absolutely have to do my homework and there's no suitable excuse for not doing it.  my chest is tight and i can still feel my heart beating.  i get sad in waves.

i apologize for the emo.  i don't like doing that.

i see and spend time with my family more than ever right now, but i still miss them.

i thought writing might help a little.

but i just wanted to talk to my brother.

the plan

on the way home from work i stopped at 7 11.

got two rockstars and an arizona.

i don't like rockstar that much, but it's ok enough that i'll drink it and bad enough that it keeps me more awake trying to drink it.

i've got a lot of homework to do.

it was worth putting it off, but now comes the hard part.

so i'm going to have some dinner, but not a lot because i don't want it to make me more tired.  once i start getting real sleepy, i'll down the first rockstar.  next time i get real tired, i'll go take a shower.  that should all hold me over until the morning.  class is at 9.  second rockstar goes down during class.  after class we'll have to see if i crash or can get myself to still do more homework.

i'm actually going to try to get everything done before the weekend this coming week.

hah, we'll see.

down, set, go.

good morning

it's just past 5am.

i'm working at the other costco tomorrow.

i look forward to encountering a very grumpy manager i've heard about that likes to talk down to people.  or i don't.  not sure which.

i am glad i have always played soccer.

bed time is now time.

only getting better

these cookies are amazing.

i cleaned my room today.

i could do with throwing out a lot of the stuff i have.

and i made my bed (what is there of it atm).

i don't even remember the last time i made my bed.

i made up something on guitar that sounds very similar to the mortal kombat theme.  i was actually trying to copy it but i don't think i got it right so i'll call it my own i suppose.

seeing as i recently just purchased some of my TDWP music back, i figure i'll post my favorite of their songs.  i can play it all on guitar, and if anybody else can learn the drums and bass and other guitar, it would please me to jam this out.

if it wasn't for the neighbors and roommates, i'd blast this song right now.  i'm just feeling pretty metal, that's all.  in a good way. real good.

and my favorite part is that these guys all love Jesus.

someday...someday i'll play on stage.

slacking

listening to: The Fall of Troy - Nostalgic Mannerisms

lately i haven't felt the compulsion to post like i usually do.

oh well.   :)

i had a dream last night, in which one of my professors was telling me i need to do my homework.  i must feel guilty about not doing homework or something.

also in the dream, for a minute it looked like all the stars were falling across the sky.  it was quite beautiful.

i need to find time to read.

i have assigned reading that i can barely seem to do.

maybe if i walked away from the computer sometime it'd be easier.  hmm... what a thought.

i started Irresistible Revolution forever ago and still have not finished it.  and i need to read The Shack too and i'm sure i've got some other books lying around someplace that i've been meaning to read.

i used to have so much time.

ah well.

work time is soon.

must prepare.

farewell.

truthfully

i haven't been quite this excited in a long time.

and to top it off, nick finally broke up with his girlfriend.

i hope she doesn't do anything dumb.

way to go though bro, you finally did it.

done with all that's due in the morning.

still have to do some stuff that's due by evening time.

it is 6:27am.

i'm going to bed.

update 1

at approximately 3:25 am the caffeine kicked in.

that feels better.

this stuff has like, 4 times the caffeine of a cup of coffee?

i think that's accurate.

almost done with Special FX homework.

moving on to Digital Simulation after that.

fast music helps.  like Horse the Band's Birdo.

"throw it back!"

and tonight

the time is now 11:45.

it's just me, my loads of homework(due tomorrow), and 2 cans of Bawls.

let's do this.

(leeeerooooooyyyyyyyy)

you win

ok Beatles.

you win.

i like you.

i can't get enough of the Em to B7 in I Want To Hold Your Hand.

i'm going to cover that song.

when i have the time.

i am SO behind on homework.

/wrists

i might not sleep sunday night into monday.

but if i get it all done, it will have been worth it i think.