memory

we are so fragile. we are our memories.

what if we couldn't depend on our memory? the only way we know things from the past is through our memories, but what if our memories were wrong. there's no way we would know unless someone told us different. but then their memory could be wrong too.

it must be a terrible thing, to begin to lose your memory. to have to lose faith in anything that you thought you knew.

i dunno, i just thought of this for some reason.

today some people said some very nice things to me.

1. "most women would kill for your hair" - random lady at work
2. "you're a pretty special guy. you're a cool person. stay cool." - debbie at work, today was her last day :(
3. "ur like a brother that i need" - dan

i'm blessed.

last night i was up late because i wrote out a long refuting argument to my old roomate josh. he stated that man is equal to god and he gave 4 proofs for his conclusion. God has been constantly reminding me that He is there, and i am so glad for that.

i want to promise that i'll have my song all recorded and posted by the end of next week, but we'll see. i added 4 more lines to it today to make it flow better. i'm going to record the guitar and voice separately and mix them together. since then there won't be video that matches both things, i may make a simple little "music video" out of it. but really, it will be simple.
i want to be done with this song so i can go past it.
i've had it stuck in my head lately. is that weird? to have your own song stuck in your head?

i'm getting healthier. i feel like my sickness is almost gone now, after 5 weeks. i don't have coughing fits, just little coughs here and there. maybe my physical sickness had something to do with what things were like for me mentally? eh, i think that's a stretch.

as a closing statement, i would highly encourage you to go listen to Thrice's new released track, titled Come All You Weary. it's on their myspace page www.myspace.com/thrice
lovely song, absolutely wonderful. they constantly prove to me why they are my favorite band.

farewell.

God is Good

yesterday was rough for me. a lot of the day was spent fighting with my own mind. how ridiculous is it that i can't trust myself? i can't even know or do what's best for me, and sometimes i do what is worse. i struggled, and prayed, and cried to God, and then i fell asleep. I woke up feeling slightly empty inside, but better than before i slept.

today was my philosophy midterm. i hardly studied for it. i made myself study some before bed last night, but i was allowed to write anything i wanted for notes on one piece of paper and i hardly wrote anything at all. i got to class early to get some extra studying in. i open my book and start reading the things i know least about, when i come across two quotes on the same page that apply directly to me and what's been on my mind. the first one is from Rene Descartes, who is a philosopher i used to know very little about and now i have much more respect for. he said:

"It must always be recollected, however, that possibly I deceive myself, and that what I take to be gold and diamonds is perhaps no more than copper or glass."

this goes right along with what i had been thinking not 20 minutes beforehand as i was walking to class. i can't trust myself in everything. if i can't trust myself, who can i trust? God is the only constant.
the other quote was from Thomas Merton. Thomas Merton! The man i'm reading about and respect so much. It was such a joy to find this quote and then to also find that it was from him. He said:

"What is important is not liberation from the body but liberation from the mind. We are not entangled in our own body, but entangled in our own mind."

ain't it the truth. i've been wrestling with myself for the past few days, and it's all in my head. it's all in the way i've been thinking, the way my mind has been working. finally and thankfully i've decided to be free of it. God willing, i'll succeed.

I was fairly worried about the test today. Like i said, i didn't study much. i love the class though and i wanted to do well. we had 3 essay questions picked by the teacher out of a possible 10 he gave us on a review sheet. what a miraculous blessing it was when i found out which ones he picked. the first was on Plato and his views on democracy, which is one of the very few things i reviewed the night before. the other was on Stoicism, which i hadn't reviewed but i really was interested in so i took the time to learn it. the last essay was on Thomas Aquinas and his solution to the problem of evil. they covered that in class while i was in california, and thankfully that was the last thing i read before i went to sleep, and read it so in depth that i stayed up later than i intended. i'm not even concerned with what grade i'm going to get on that test. i was very happy with the answers i gave and i feel great about it all.

yesterday i had prayed multiple times for God to be close to me and to show me His will in ways that I'll understand. just this morning alone has shown me that i'm on the right path and that i'm not alone.

Thank God for life. life and all that comes with it, hard and easy, sorrow and joy, chained and free.

Thrice - Hold Fast Hope

how can you be sleeping, waves like weapons crash
o'er us, cry for mercy and hold fast hope

who of us is cursed, or do we have to ask
search your souls and hold fast
if no one speaks a word, then let the lots be cast
truth be told and hold fast

white death wakes in black skies, mark your maker's wrath
fear and flames of azure climb the crooked mast
you will yet be baptized, steeped in shattered glass
sink and sing your answer and hold fast hope

as strong arms grip your shoulders like dead hands of the past
pray as you're tossed over, this breath could be your last

quiet and cold, silent and slow
night black as coal, miles here below

find your faith and dive deep, through living gateways pass
lined with death and ivory, and hold fast, hold fast

deep beneath the black dawn, leagues from lightning's flash
ribs will raise cathedrals for the morning mass
steel yourself in sackcloth, roll your heart in ash
scrape your skin with steel wool and hold fast hope
cross your heart and hold fast hope

i've done it

i did exactly, exactly what i didn't want to do.

productive? feels like it.

instead of writing out some homework or reading or studying this morning, i finished my song.

well, i feel good about it at least. :)
i've got all the words done and the music for guitar. i can pretty much sing it and play it at the same time decently. we'll see if i try to do that or try to record singing/playing separately and mix them together. of course if i start doing separate parts and mixing, there's no telling where I would stop adding things in just because I could. I mean, I'm even thinking of ideas of how to make it into a simple music video. it's so exciting, i even started capitalizing some things in that last sentence! but we shall see, we shall.

i have this unfortunate feeling though that maybe this song was a selfish endeavor. like, i did it for me. really, i guess that doesn't seem bad, isn't that what you should do? not write music for others, write it because you want to. i don't know. i'm becoming more aware lately that I have a selfish mind, but sometimes i like doing things for somebody else so much that it feels strange to do something for just me.

as long as this isn't detrimental, it'll be ok.

time to get ready for class. love you, world.

cookie

this cookie in my hand, which you cannot see, is delicious.

but more importantly to me, it's reminding me of what i'm already beginning to remember.

patience is really what i need to strive for. i have this will to express that builds up in me and if i don't do something it leaks out, not always in a good way.

so i have to find something to put my energy into. i'm writing a whole song. it's almost done. i have music, simple music, but music that i can play and still be able to sing to at the same time. this song sounds so good in my head. it's too bad i've only got this one instrument to do it with. i made some piano midi that can go with it. who knows, maybe i'll go all out and try to record multiple things and mix them together in Acid. but first i need to finish it and be able to play it by myself.

i'll divulge more about it when it's done.

i'd like to thank rich for looking out for me like he said he would. asking my intentions, making sure i think i'm doing the right things. thanks bro.

it's laaaate. tomorrow i talk to my teacher to see what this "job offer" in flash is all about. i like flash programming quite a bit. i'll be praying about all of this.

night.

quick thought

(looks like this post will go out in the morning, seeing as our internet just went down. but i wrote it at about 2am)

tonight i sent out some emails to follow up on internship talks I had at GDC. i expressed to my good friend the misgivings i have about moving away for the summer for an internship. i don't like the idea of leaving my friends and the communities i'm in behind. it's something i would miss.

don't let this make you think that I wouldn't go just because of this simple longing to be with my friends that i love. after all, it is only a summer, and i'm sure it would be an awesomely amazing summer. but thinking about it while lying in bed (yeah i got out of bed to write this) i realized what it is that's making me worried about it.

it's not that i don't want to go out in the world and do things, it's that i don't wish to do it alone.

i got a taste of it when i left for california. i was worried about how i'd feel, but it ended up being much less than i expected. and it's silly to think that i'm ever really alone when i know that God is always with me. but i struggle with wishing for and wanting the companion that God has made for me, the woman who will complete me. it's not like i know who it is, but i know that person exists. i'd like to think of myself as a very patient person, but it seems that sometimes even i can't resist trying to grab at something that looks as if it's right in front of me.

i must learn greater patience. teach me God, may my heart be open to You. keep me from foolishness.

goodnight.