deep breaths

i think maybe sometimes things get to me more than i even realize.

i'm trying to calm myself down now.

i called my brother because i wanted to talk to him but he didn't answer.  he was probably asleep because he has school tomorrow.

my heart was beating too fast and i layed down and said i could lay there and maybe take a nap and i'll just set my alarm for about a half hour away but it didn't really work.  i just laid there and felt my heart beating too much and i tried to breathe slow but it didn't feel like it was helping.  i was ok for a little while when i was daydreaming but i didn't fall asleep for a nap.

the problem is that i'm supposed to be doing my homework but i'm trying to do it and i forgot how and nothing seems familiar about it.  i want to do it but i can't remember and it seems too big and it's frustrating and i actually don't want to do it.

but the real problem is probably that everything with my family bothers me more than i even let myself know.

the whole family is never together anymore and i miss that and i don't want it to stay this way.

today my dad told me that he's moving into a house.  he's getting a new house and it's not far away at all and there's room for the whole family in it if things get back together.  and we'd have cody back too.  and that's good news, really good.  it means arif doesn't have to find a place to stay so he can keep his job.

and maybe it's because i'm tired but i just feel overwhelmed.  all i wanted to do was talk to west.

this might be difficult to explain.

i don't let myself be weak.

or maybe i just don't let weakness be an excuse for me.

if there's something i'm supposed to do, i'm supposed to do it even if it's hard for me, unreasonably hard.

that's why when i'm sick i feel bad and guilty about calling in sick to work.

that's why when i rolled my ankle real bad i didn't complain when they put me on carts because i didn't want to be giving an excuse for not doing what was expected of me, even if i had a good reason why i shouldn't.

that's why when i feel like i'm having a minor breakdown and i can't figure out how to do my homework and i'm frustrated and i'm upset... i still feel like i absolutely have to do my homework and there's no suitable excuse for not doing it.  my chest is tight and i can still feel my heart beating.  i get sad in waves.

i apologize for the emo.  i don't like doing that.

i see and spend time with my family more than ever right now, but i still miss them.

i thought writing might help a little.

but i just wanted to talk to my brother.