real quick.

it's hard to keep from being excited when a cute girl asks for your phone number and then gives you hers.

but i'm not losing my head.

out for the night, no further update.

awesome!

listening to: people talk before they go to sleep

the concert tonight was great! we were stuck outside for a long time because they weren't letting more people in, luckily we decided to stay though because we did get in to see Native and La Dispute. both bands were really sweet and i got a shirt from each. i missed seeing Charles the Osprey though, a little disappointing.

interesting fact. There's a band sleeping downstairs right now. One of the bands drove 6 hours to get here and needed a place to crash for the night. I offered to let them stay. :)
They're cool guys. I have no idea what their band sounds like because we were still stuck outside while they were playing. We've just been hanging out all night and it's been great. I'm so glad I got to do this. I'm going to have so little sleep, but i don't even care.

This is one awesome thing that wouldn't have happened if i didn't live out on my own. Life is so cool. I should do this more often.

no story continuation tonight, i started it too soon and don't have enough places to go with it. it will have an ending.

Peace!

the morning is usually sane

listening to: Portugal the Man - Tommy

this morning, before i headed off to work, i had a big dramatic rush of thoughts. a knife of insight into why i do some things. i was ready to let the knife cut and spill all those things out to someplace like this. instead, now so many hours after the moment, i'm feeling less dramatic and less willing to be sliced.
but i'll bleed just a little for now.

in the very first week of my college life i realized something interesting. here i am going to a new place where i'll meet and interact with people i've never met before and they know nothing of me. if i ever wanted to be something other than what i was right then, here was the time. i could act any way i wanted to and make people think i was this or that type of person. i had total freedom to craft an image for myself to be held in their minds.
but i realized quite plainly that i was fine just being me, the boy i was at the time. i'm happy for that decision. but still, though i decide to be me, i still find myself caring a good deal about how people think of me. so much so that i sometimes go to lengths to give them the impression of me that i'd like them to have. when people have said or done things that threaten my carefully placed idea of "jarrod" in someone else's eyes, i've often gotten angry and fought to defend that fake me.
but, that's not the case always. there's also the few, (probably too few) that i have tried hard to let know me for real, inside and out, the thoughts that go through my head and why. all the crazy little things. i want them to know all about me, and i hope that they'll still be cool with me once they do know.
(there was once this person that i wanted desperately to tell all my thoughts to. i tried, but they didn't care. i haven't seen them in a long time. i would almost like to again, not least of all because i think it would make them very uncomfortable and awkward :) )

so this morning i realized that this, this right here, the blog, is an attempt at being real. i really hardly (if at all) talk to anybody about the things in here. which.... may be tragic. haha. is this the result of the internet? this awkward "here i am" thing? i do know that i don't like to randomly share all my metacognition and analysis on various pieces of life. if asked, then sure, but otherwise i keep things to myself. but here, on the grand old internets, i can just simply place my thoughts down and they can be examined if so desired. perfectly passive.

perfectly awkwardly nerdily probably not the best way at all to go about it.

"you're not accomplishing anything by waiting here" he said.
"i know you know that.
so what's worth waiting for?
i know what you're thinking, and if that path crosses
it's going to be ahead, not at this place."

"but there's so many 'what ifs' to think of..." i said.

he advised, "you can't let that paralyze you.
there's many possibilities but only one choice of action.
you've lost if you choose inaction."

what then shall we do?

listening to: nothing


"what then shall we do?" he questioned.

"to sit and reflect or press on?"
"well i of course shall stay.
this is my crossroads to man,
my island to be in charge of.
many pass through here and could use some guidance.
but what about you now?"

"me?" i asked.
"heh, i suppose i'll go on ahead,
in time. i still don't think i'm ready to go yet,
despite what you said. i need to wait."

"it's up to you," he replied.
"always is."

day done

listening to: Dub Trio - Bay vs. Leonard

today i paid school $996. then i paid the car fixing place $215.
/sigh
there goes so much of the money i would have liked to use for guitar stuff, and save for a laptop, and a trip to california. i am not a fan of money. sure, i can do a lot of fun things with money, but it's people that make me happy, friends and family. money is not a real big concern of mine. i know i'll always be taken care of, i don't need to worry about my daily bread, and that's what will keep me alive. if money happens, then it happens. i just need to remember to do good things with it if i do have it.

tomorrow i'll be getting down to business on internship work. i'll be happy to do so. then going to play ultimate later on, should be fun :)

my birthday is now a week away. i've got something in mind to get myself but i'm not sure if i will. i guess we'll see eh?

today i talked to giannii for a couple minutes. his interview with a company went well and he'll be doing some contract work for them. he said something about them wanting him to eventually lead a team or something of the sort, and giannii said if that happened he may be able to get me a job. then i realized i had to ask myself the question, what would i do if i had a job offer in california?

0_0

i don't know! i think things are far off from having to decide on something like that, but what if? crazy. i guess it would probably be good to take it. chances are though, my circumstances will be different at whatever time this possibility might by chance happen maybe. it's something that would have to be handled if/when it came. i think i'd be up for it though. i think.

in closing, a friend of mine has been extremely lame these past 2 days. i won't bother being overly vague because you probably know who i'm talking about. he needs to wake up and realize he is being used, and more likely than not he's using. the only reason that relationship is still going is selfishness on both sides. they both want things from each other, and they want them enough to stay in a dysfunctional situation just to get it. it makes me so angry to see and hear all the complaints and BS that goes on there, and then the next day he ditches his friends ALL DAY LONG to be with her. it's just stupid. a relationship is supposed to do good. it should make the ones involved better. it just frustrates me so much to see him falling down for her instead of being built up. the last relationship i was in, i wanted to grow and be a better person, not because she wanted me to but because i wanted to be that much better for her. she was somebody that inspired me to just try harder and be more, whether she ever knew that or not. this is not the case at all with my friend. all i see is demand for sacrifice for her, guilt if he doesn't, and lack of motivation to do more with his life. lies are not a good way to carry on with a relationship. end rant.

"unless of course you want it to be difficult?" he suggested.

"i don't know," i said. " sometimes it seems that way.
like it must be a struggle or it's not satisfying.
it needs to be hard or else what is there to say i have overcome?"

"now there's a thought!" he mused.
"a blessing is only worth receiving if it took a hardship to secure?
i think that clearly misses the point of a blessing.

there are no blessings found in the past,
only awaiting in the future."

i did it all for the lulz

listening to: The Fall of Troy - Quarter Past

today was much fun. well, except for the very beginning. last night i hung out at rich's after work and until about 1 or so. got home, went to bed after a bit. woke up at 6 something am feeling sick. got back to sleep, woke up again at 7 something. back to sleep, up a bit later. then finally i fell asleep again and slept until around noon. now i feel better :)

rich, adam, casey, twinkie, alex, chris, ryan, justin and femi were all over at one point or another today. most of us had computers over here and we played games much of the day. good friends, good times. watched the wings own the penguins as well, that was nice.

hm... not much on my mind right now i think. today was really relaxed. a good memorial day.

he laughed,

"few think they are fully ready,
and those that do soon find they are not so well equipped as they thought.
it is not that you must be ready,
you must be willing."

"but i'm torn." i said.
"if i go ahead will i miss seeing something i left behind?
but if i wait i may find some paths have become unpassable..."

he chuckled again,

"you need not make this so difficult for yourself."

i am so tired

listening to: The Devil Wears Prada - Still Fly (Big Tymers cover)

hm... i want really bad to be not the same. i want too bad to be what you(plural, collective, but by no means everyone) want. this only leads to the loss of me. oh to be back in that place again, the place where the possibilities were all exciting and nothing was beyond my grasp. it's from that point that i could jump to the next good thing.

he explained,

"but there is no longer a path behind.
you see, this place has become an island.
those who wish to stare back upon the traveled road lose the path ahead."

and i looked down in dismay,

"it seems you're right.
while i look backwards there is nothing ahead.
but..."
and i let out a long sigh,
"i am not ready, i am not prepared"

i am so tired

hush

and he cautioned me,

"speak softly, for words could break the spell,
and here even thoughts have echoes.

this place is the end of all things
and you are here to finish your path.

lay down your onus, carry it no further,
this end means a new beginning."

turning to face the road behind, i replied in a low and careful voice,

"i understand, but i cannot turn away.
i fear there is something i missed.
one last look to the past that is soon left behind,
for the road up ahead is but mist."

indy

listening to: whatever the name of the indiana jones theme is

just got back from seeing Indiana Jones. Harrison Ford is the man.
i enjoyed the movie.


helped femi's girlfriend move stuff into her new place today. that took seriously like 10 minutes of actual moving, easy stuff with the help we had. talked to giannii via phone for like an hour/hour and a half while sitting out on lot security at work. Giannii is a good guy, and a good friend. He says that if things don't work out well job/money wise for the two of us together, he'll "pimp me out to the right people." thanks G, but i hope it will work out that we can work together.

hm... lets see, what else to report? i finished the song and recorded it, and uploaded it. but it's not viewable at the moment by my choice. why? because i chose so. i'll let you know if it goes live.

if i ate a sandwich every time i wanted a sandwich, i would probably be fat. but maybe not.

i can spot myself in this video. about 3 people from the very front, a little to the left of Dustin, in front of his little stand of gadgets. this concert was amazing.

a day not far away

listening to: the song i've been writing on and off all day

my birthday is coming up pretty soon now.

there's only one gift that i really want. i've wanted it ever since i saw one. i never did and still can't ask for it though, it wouldn't be the same if i asked. we'll see, i doubt it.

got a lot of stuff done this morning. dropped off the JCS video, got my oil changed, set up an appointment to get my brakes/rotors replaced, bought some cereal, stopped by hobby lobby. ran into two high school friends at hobby lobby, that was nice. came home, watched some death note (3 eps to go) and worked on a song. the song is very very nearly done. oh and i broke a dish today while drying it :(

people from his house. i don't think i've ever seen such true genuine friendships before. or at least i've never recognized them for what they are. are friendships supposed to be based on common interest? i don't think so. that's a good way for one to start though. so much love. i want to be a part. i'll just want to be with friends on my birthday. lucky that it will be on a tuesday so i'll be at his house and get to see everyone.

i'm gonna see about finishing off this song. then dinner, shower, band practice and whatever comes after. here's a video i found really funny, and i like to quote it. "fiddlin' knobs, touching keys, having fun with a full grown man!"

a day full of awesome

listening to: Burden of a Day - Pt.2 Sometimes They Do

today, i wanted to be productive, and i totally was.
i thought i was off to a bad start when i finally got myself out of bed at 11.
but after some breakfast i got to work and finished the JCS video. i'm not sure if they'll want me to put more in it or not. the video has to be under 5 minutes, and it's about 3 and a half. i felt like it was pretty complete though, and it would have been hard to get more in i believe. oh well. it's uploading to youtube right now and tomorrow morning i'm dropping off CDs with the file on it.

so, i finished that, awesome. then i went on to play with LSDJ a bit. made some cool stuff, which i posted as a facebook video. the program is cool and has tons of possibility, i need to work with it more though. i would really *really* like to get it so i can play it on my actual gameboy. that would be so much more convenient. i think i would carry that giant gameboy around with me everywhere if i had the lsdj cartridge.

before my summer started i decided that i wanted to try to go through the early thrice CDs and learn how to play every song. so far i'm at track 3 on the first cd. i'm not really trying hard to memorize everything, i'm just going through and finding that i'm able to play all the parts and so i move on. i started playing around with the beginning of one song though and i made something of my own. then i decided that i could fit it with some lyrics that i wrote out just before bed last night. i actually like what i came up with quite a bit. i've got more of the music worked out than the words, but i don't find lyrics that terribly hard to write. it's easier to write music before words though I think, i like having a melody to work with. i even started making a guitar solo-ish part :) maybe tomorrow i'll work on the words more.

after all that, i went and played Ultimate on recommendation of Bill. i'm glad i went, it was good fun. came home, talked to giannii about work stuff a bit, then nick called and asked if i wanted to watch another chick flick. so he picked me up and we went and did. good times.

nick may be right about what we talked about on the way home. really, am i waiting for something? well yes, something, but in specific? if i am, in specific, then i know that it's highly unlikely and... is it? see, i don't know. i hate to intrude, i don't want to affect anything. stupid obsessing over consequences. maybe that's keeping me from... whatever. well, if i think about it, it's simple really, i'm making this more difficult than it is. hm...... why didn't i think of this before? boy, sometimes i write things and even i don't know what i was talking about when i look back at it. if it's raining then i'll know for sure.

and so here i am. i'm liking the Burden of a Day CD more. good guys, them. i'm getting sleepy and i gotta wake up early so this is all. i'll leave you with one of my favorite songs from the CD so far, it's got the lyrics in the video so i won't write them out. goodnight.

arms

listening to: Thrice - A Song For Milly Michaelson

"Well you know I hardly speak
and when I do it's just for you
I haven't said a word in weeks
'Cause they've been keeping me from you"

mmm thrice. :)

good night. not as much death and gore as expected. hmm, go figure. irish accents are cool. accents in general are pretty cool. maybe we should go someplace to pick one up.

my arms are restless. lets make something about that.

no, lets not. i did, i started to, but i'd rather not.
my arms are restless, lets leave at that tonight.

sometimes i wonder if everyone else thinks as crazy much as i do. every word chosen, action taken, decision made. messages carefully placed so as to be seen. it's pretty ridiculous. choose the chips carefully, but throw them up and let them fall as they may. they may not even land on the table. haha, i love vague representative metaphorical referential ambiguity.

end with a burden of a day quote.

"because we are the lost boys
forever in Neverland
would you be our leader
be our leader and take me by the hand"

night.

unbelievable

thrice just exploded my mind again.

i mentioned before that the final song on each of the alchemy index discs are written from the perspective of the element that disc represents. well, to further tie these 4 separate records together, on each of those 4 last songs, the last 2 lines in each song are written/sang with the same melody!

The Alchemy Index really is something like a book. A world. There's so much more than just what's on the surface, and if you take the time to look and dig you'll find amazing things.

man. i love this band. I want to write things as awesome as Dustin Kensrue does.

lost and found

listening to: Burden of a Day - Blessed Be Our Ever After

"Blessed be our ever after
Blessed be the ones who enter here
This is our prayer"

picked up Burden of a Day's new cd today. It's been out for a while now but i never managed to go get it and i refused to dl it. They are a cool band. Emo and I drove 2 hours to see them when all we knew of them was from their myspace. Not bad. I've got a complaint about the CD though...
the quality is too good.

their previous cd wasn't recorded/mixed/mastered or whatever really well. it was good stuff, but it just wasn't a high quality finished product sound-wise. my main problem is what they've done with the vocals. the singers voice is pretty intense, mostly screaming. on the first cd, is was clearly passionate. his voice would crack sometimes and it had a uniqueness to it, kind of like La Dispute's singer has a distinct way of singing. there's no more of this on the new CD. either the singer has gotten "better" or they "improved" it after recording. makes me kinda sad. there's less character in the voice now, it sounds too much alike to other bands. i would love to see these guys live again, i'm sure the singer would be better that way.

anyways, i've listened to the whole cd through by now as a result of driving around today. now it's time to go through the lyrics, which i'm thinking will make me like it more. we shall see.

speaking of lyrics, i was digging through the large mess on my desk here and i found a song that i had started writing a while ago and was pretty pumped about, but I haven't touched it since. it's about a struggle of sorts between the earth,(as in ground/dirt) water, and sky. reading through what i wrote down, it doesn't feel like the words flow together well enough, but i think that's because i haven't decided on a melody for it to follow. when i wrote it i think i was thinking of a thrice song, but i by no means want to copy. well, here's 4 lines from it.

The oceans deep and the earth is shaking
calling out to the depths
what they seek is what sky is hating
protests with all its breath
---
conflict no? haha, maybe those mean nothing. thrice made me want to write about elements.

tomorrow is Sabbath. mmm love it. i think i'm going to play DDR with emo sometime tomorrow, should be good, see if i've got any skillz left. for now, sleep timez!

um... 100?

listening to: Thrice - Firebreather

so i guess this is my 100th post.
yay?
haha, i guess it's sort of cool. i'll pat myself on the back for it later or something.

i've been tired and busy for a while so i haven't posted.
spent the weekend in chicago, got to see rich. rich, nick and i had lots of lulz, and it was a great time. the next morning though we had to wake up at 6am cuz rich had to leave for a trip. so at like 8am or so nick and i were wandering around downtown chicago. most stores weren't open yet, and not many people were even out. we decided to go to a movie so we could at least sit down. lucky for us, prince caspian was playing only like 15 minutes from when we got to the theater, so we saw that. glad we did, i really liked it.

later that day we met up with alex, theo and their friend yvonne. then that night it was the.... THRICE CONCERT!!

they are forever my favorite band. SO good. SO SO good. so many people singing along! they started with All That's Left and it was just awesome from then on out. they played a lot of songs too. the venue was pretty small, which ended up being great because it felt like we were so much closer to the band. most of us fought our way up to about 2 or 3 people away from the very front. it was great fun.

the drive back was long and sleepy. we left at like midnight or so and made it back home at 3am. i was fighting sleep off (and losing) hardcore on the drive back. we made it though. i got a jacket and a shirt and my own copy of Air/Earth. spent like $75, but i'm ok with that.

talked to Giannii last night for a good whlie. discussed some ideas for the project i'll be working on for my internship. while talking, i mentioned a little game idea that just popped into my head and he loved it. i started to love it too and we actually started to outline an original game concept. it's my task to develop the design for it some more by wednesday. i'm pretty excited about this. :)
also, i came up with our slogan/catchphrase for our game company. the idea for the phrase came from something giannii said. it ended up being "Knowledge without imagination is a journey without adventure."
i liked it, so did he. sweet.

anyway i gotta get going to work.
cya.

thought from the shower

listening to:

here's a thought i had while in the shower this morning.

when we get to heaven, we won't be rewarded for our intellect, our skills or our acquired wealth. those things were gifts to us to begin with and it's what we choose to do with those gifts that will earn us the eternally important and desirable "well done my good and faithful servant"

i liked it.
anyway, i'm going to Chicago now. cya later.

!!!!!!!!! :)

silencing

listening to: Finch - Ender

it's late, and i need to wake up in the morning for work, and i'm driving to chicago with nick tomorrow to see rich. so i should be sleeping.
but i don't feel like sleeping, if only to rebel against the need of it.

i would rather stay up and make music.

though it may never be heard, i still think it's the best song i've ever finished.

i'll succumb to sleep now.


but this video is really funny. to me at least. and i love Home Movies. I'd like to share it with friends and hope they find it funny.

looks

listening to: The Fall of Troy - Shhh! If You're Quiet I'll Show You a Dinosaur

fashion.
the concept of fashion is one of illusions.
it's an attempt to be fake, to look different than you really do.
clothes designed to shape the way you're viewed.
hide this, accentuate that.
"we aren't good enough as we are!
oh! and makeup!"
makeup, making up twelve year olds to look legal since too long
the name itself gives away the purpose.
make up your appearance. imagine it and create it.
because you don't look good on your own.
put on the face you never owned, the fake, the false,
the one you were never born to live in.

to be back in the garden...
unclothed, undisguised. only ourselves.
i wish it were so. no more illusions.



---------
that's what pushing carts in the rain brought to my mind today.
maybe a little harsh. maybe. ...

oh, the lulz

listening to: The Fall of Troy - I Just Got This Symphony Goin'

today was so good.

this video makes me want to jump out my window. i lived through watching the whole thing, but it was tough.

the video may only be a little over 5 minutes long, but it feels like an eternity while watching it.
that was a warning.




so now that the video is out of the way, i've got pretty much nothing else.

i'm very happy with things right now. i've got this feeling, one that i remember from what seems like a long time ago now. really it's only been a year or so. peace is cool.

patience/endurance. the first half of ninja. i like it.

hurr kutz

listening to: Justice - Waters of Nazareth (Erol Alkan remix)

i got my hair cut today!
i like getting my hair cut. it feels nice to have my hair washed and stuff by somebody else. i like my hair played with. long hair is fun.

um... i don't think i feel like recapping yesterday, but it was fun for sure.
i think i had more to go on this, but oh well.

hey, the duffy documentary is now up on the WGRD website for the competition!
go to www.wgrd.com and click on the Ferris Rockumentary thing and the duffy video is on the second page. (the site seems to be acting up as of 12:09am wednesday, but feel free to try)

the video with the most views wins! one video has like 3000 views. i think the band or somebody else is cheating. you can cheat by repeatedly clicking the refresh button on the video page, it gives it more views. of course, i have no proof, but i don't think the band is very good so it seems logical. :)

i am liking Death Note very much, thanks Alex. i think i'm going to watch another episode while eating a delicious pb&j sandwich. i made up a song about my favorite sandwich. it goes like this:

i'm eatin' my pb and jelly elly elly eh eh eh
eatin' my pb and jelly elly elly eh eh eh
eatin' my pb and jelly elly elly eh eh eh
eatin' my pb and jelly elly elly eh eh eh eh eh eh

fantastic, i know. could be a real hit someday.

i'm contemplating a secret. nope, you can't know about it.

thanks cya!

clouds

listening to: Thrice - Digital Sea

today while stuck outside on lot security for over an hour after i was supposed to be done working, i read through the lyrics to the alchemy index volumes 1 and 2. how i had forgotten so much! i was blown away again by Dustin's ability to include such awesome references to philosophy, mythology, Christianity and just plain good vocabulary.

i'm impressed by big words. i like words.

yesterday... hmm... i don't even remember what the day was like, give me a minute to think about it.... there was work, a long 8 hour shift. came home to find nick and emo had started up their WoW accounts again. they chanted "join us, join us" at me. i still don't know if i will or not. if i do, i promise to play much much less than i used to. i only want to play with friends, so if no friends are playing, i'm not either. but this is if i even start up again. i won't be addicted. too much other useful things to do.
last night went to the bitter end with emily. nice place. i've been by there a lot but never inside. the guy working there was pretty entertaining. i got the impression that he was trying to seem wise/knowledgeable, but perhaps he really wasn't so much. i'll give him the benefit of the doubt though and say that he's seen a lot and thought his thoughts and he has good insight. entertaining if nothing else. played some scrabble, drank some hot chocolate. it was a pretty good time. although the 4-4 and half hours of sleep i got wasn't much when morning came around.

being home was nice today. i say it a lot, but it's true, i like my sisters. reme got back together with taylor, the guy she broke up with like 2 months ago or so. he seems like a pretty dece guy, and reme does like him.

hm... now i'm very sleepy and i've got work in the morning. i think i'll watch one ep of death note then go to bed. morning will come fast, i know. looking forward to tomorrow. i'm hoping to get something productive done, but we'll see. and tuesday will be my first Sabbath day of the summer. i can't wait to make it routine. :)

and there are clouds.

night.

classic, in more than one way

listening to: you'll see, i don't want to give it away at the beginning.

i need to watch my words a little i think.

i feel like i'm at a little crossroads, deciding what to do. being a friend can be complicated. or maybe it's so simple that i'm just making it seem complicated. i probably do that sometimes, make things seem more complex than they really are or should be. all that over-analyzing and thinking too much on consequences and how other people will view it; those kind of thoughts get in the way.


but. i've thought about this song on and off for over a week, and just now i remembered it at a time when i could look it up. it's a classic. i laughed at myself as i started listening to it, but it really is a good song. i present you with it now.



Michael W. Smith - Place in this World

The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled
A heart thats hopeful
A head thats full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems
Feels like im

Chorus:
Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me
Hear me asking
Where do I belong
Is there a vision
That I can call my own
Show me im

Chorus
-----------------------------
haha great song right? classic, you remember it i'm sure. yeah, he was the man back then.

so anyway. i would like to be comforting, consoling and generally a caring friend but i don't think i know how to do that properly in this case. where is my place in this case? i'm sure i'll be pondering it out while at work today. which reminds me, i need to leave for work.

love and peace.

the fruits of my labor

listening to: anything that Duffy plays, it's all stuck in my head. mostly Brother.

all day tuesday i was working on the Duffy documentary. i finished it in a marathon style work session, and I have to say that i'm happy with how it turned out. the 10 minute time limit was kind of a bummer, because i had to exclude and cut out a lot to get it down to the 9:55 it's at right now. i'm heavily considering remaking the video as an "extended directors cut" or something like that. there was so much more that should be in a documentary about that band. including an interview with joe robert, who i didn't get a chance to talk to.

but the video is done, i'm turning it in tomorrow along with my other video i'm finishing in the morning. and then i'm done. the semester is over.

yes!

here's the Duffy video, i think i'll be posting some single song videos on youtube sometime. those guys are cool.

expectations and actualizations

listening to: Thrice - The Earth Isn't Humming

ever expect to get a certain thing for a gift, but then get something else that's just as good or better, and you're disappointed that you didn't get what was expected?
deeper now.

God has good things in store for us. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jer 29:11
so there is nothing wrong with expecting good things if you are trying to follow the plan God has for you. a problem can arise when you expect specific things though. what is "good" in your eyes may be quite different from what God has in mind.

i encountered this idea no better than while reading Perelandra by C.S. Lewis. In the book there comes an example of walking through the forest looking for food. You have a fruit in mind that you are looking for, but you only find a different fruit. This different fruit is no less good than the one you were expecting, but merely the fact that you were looking for something else made your find less pleasing. In this same way, God gives us blessings, but sometimes our expectations kill the joy we should have at our gifts.

There is at least one great example of this in the Bible. Jesus, the prophesied Messiah, was a disappointment to many. They had expected a mighty king that would crush their enemies, instead that got a peaceful, loving teacher that would submit himself to torture death in order to offer salvation to all. This was an amazing gift, far greater than simple conquering could ever be, but it wasn't what had been expected so some people rejected it.

What do you expect from God? I expect that I'll be taken care of safely until it's my time to come to Heaven, my true home and true country. I expect that I'll be blessed and joyful if I seek God, but I don't for one minute expect that I won't have hardship.

You know, i've never liked trying to come up with all the qualities or features of a perfect girl for me. Over the years i think i've maybe developed preferences (i've sort of had a thing for dark hair and glasses) but none of them would make or break a relationship. it's just details. the heart is what matters. a beautiful heart and soul. the right person will be there at the right time, but i don't have that person defined. i'd prefer to be surprised by joy on this one.

bless you all. love and peace.

long productive good day

listening to: the voices of friends


got the duffy interviews done. tomorrow i might just finish the whole project. if i'm really motivated i'll finish my other video too, then basically i'm done for the semester. that's a nice thought indeed.

today i think i realized that i am probably cutting myself off from the kind of relationships i'd like to have. friendship or otherwise. it's important that i noticed this, but it's yet to be determined what i'll do about it. pray, for sure.

hugs are something i don't feel i get enough of. i love my sisters because they like to give me a hug when i come home. it's so simple really, but it's not something i would ever request. i just don't ask for the things i want. maybe i should change that.

and that's enough for now.

mommy?

this is what i get for having such a scrambled brain tonight.

a friggin' terrifying nightmare and now i don't want to go back to sleep. my imagination is not making this easier on me. i'm not going to describe the dream, because i don't want to think about it, but let me at least say that i was dual wielding two blue/green lightsabers and i was still scared out of my mind.

i'm not so brave.
i don't want to be by myself...

might as well have puked instead.

(warning, this is what an overflow looks like. not pretty.)

listening to: Russian Circles - Death Rides a Horse

i wonder..... fire is dangerous.

here's something i've been going over a bit in my head;

i think i'm obsessive about consequences.
well, more than think.
i'm constantly giving thought to how the things i do will affect other events/actions/people. like dropping a stone into a still pool of water, i think about what all those ripples are going to look like and how i'll be responsible for them.
the sheer amount of "what ifs" can be crippling.

maybe this comes from my focus being so outside myself. i don't mean this to sound like i'm saying that i'm unselfish. i look at things outside of me in relation to how they affect me.
did you know, that if you make one decision, all the other decisions that you could have possibly made are gone. no other option is possible. it's tough to act when you think about that too hard.

it's those consequences that you can't come back from that i hate and think about too much. when you have a decision that really does exclude you from coming back to the other possibilities.
nope, you don't know what i'm talking about, this one stays close to home for now.
i could talk about much more productive things, but i'll save it for another night.

i finished my game, for real this time. i turned it in, i'm done. only one class left to do work for, but it's two whole videos.

imagine that you are defending the shoreline from attackers at sea. you're on the beaches, watching the ships sail up. you see all the men leaving the ships, coming toward you. all at once, the enemy vessels light up, on fire. your foe is destroying the only way of escape. they will not retreat. victory or death. you are shaken.

that's what the song Burn the Fleet is about. it just played on random. i liked the imagery the song gives, it's from the perspective of the ones on the ships.

i feel like i'm getting tired and more random. beware.

i hate alcohol. i don't know if i have a good reason to though. this leaves me conflicted. should i hate it? if it weren't past midnight i could truthfully say that i'll be 21 in one month. i don't plan on drinking. in fact, if i ever do drink, i doubt very much that it will be a planned event. i expect that it would be a random spur of the moment situation, and it would probably be caused by some swing of mood. i'm imagining that i'm doing nothing in particular at some place where there is alcohol around, then suddenly i say "fsck it" and i down somebody else's shot. yeah.

why do we have to be so imperfect? the people i want to look up to still have flaws, and i don't like that. what do i expect? i don't know, what do i expect? i guess this is where Jesus comes in but i know for sure i'm not trying hard enough.

"oh, my babys gonna take your breath away, oh my babys gonna burn your soul"

sometimes i don't care about grammatical errors. sometimes.

smoking has got to be one of the stupidest things anybody can ever do. honestly. SERIOUSLY. don't tell me "stress relief." your treating symptoms, not problems. that's THE problem with so many solutions. they don't help the problem at all, they pretend to by hiding what makes the problem obvious.

if only everybody knew how hard sometimes i try to make you think of me what i want you to think of me. i hate it when i do that. i'm probably just fooling myself, i can't make you think anything, but i like to try. i'll carefully construct this picture in your head, tearing it down to rebuild if i ever see fit. ugh. i want somebody to see right through and slap me out of that stupid little world. i thought i had it.

wow i'm really going all out tonight. i think i've been listening to too much crazy music and it's showing. what else can i go on a rant about?
hmmm. how about how i wish i could just make all these mistakes and not care about it. if i could just drop my intelligence and good judgment. that would be stupid.

friendship? what is that? you have no idea how bad i am at that. an no, if you've read that and think you know what i mean, you probably don't.

i need to stop.

ending with the last lines of the last song that played tonight.

"picture perfect portrait of a boyfriend...
best friends? oh, that's right..."

rah rah

listening to: La Dispute: The Surgeon and the Scientist

im real tired. about to go to sleep.

i finished my game today. yay!
then i decided i could add more to it. now it's not working right. heh.
but i should be able to fix it pretty easy, i'm not worried.

philosophy exam this morning went great! i really liked that class, and i got some real quality studying in last night. i felt good about the things i wrote, it was all essays. i like writing.

need to interview duffy. need to shoot my own video and make the music for it.
once my game is fixed, i only need to do my videos. i'm so close to the end...

in closing, i'll leave an excerpt of La Dispute lyrics, from the song that i'm listening to. i like the free form of it all, it almost doesn't make sense, but it's got feeling and passion in it and that's what i like.

i can feel you healing and i hate it,
(like a harpist without hands you only bang the strings
you used to love to touch so much)
to hear the dissonance drain violently and then dissolve
like all the songs i sang but never once could make you smile.
my god, i would kill to make you smile.
and reach out to my hands, soft and frail, to make good on the love that you swear still exists, and still thrives
though we've buried our bodies in blood (and old lies,
like, "i'm fine" and "you look so much better than him"
but don't trust the surgeon with your heart,
she's drunk and sips from poison cups, and
don't you trust the scientist,
he says "life-is-like-a-wineglass" as he spills his drink
like secrets
all across your dress and says:

"my dear, i must confess, i never thought you ever knew what love was like for real.

i never thought you needed me.")
------

goodnight. sleep will be nice.