might as well have puked instead.

(warning, this is what an overflow looks like. not pretty.)

listening to: Russian Circles - Death Rides a Horse

i wonder..... fire is dangerous.

here's something i've been going over a bit in my head;

i think i'm obsessive about consequences.
well, more than think.
i'm constantly giving thought to how the things i do will affect other events/actions/people. like dropping a stone into a still pool of water, i think about what all those ripples are going to look like and how i'll be responsible for them.
the sheer amount of "what ifs" can be crippling.

maybe this comes from my focus being so outside myself. i don't mean this to sound like i'm saying that i'm unselfish. i look at things outside of me in relation to how they affect me.
did you know, that if you make one decision, all the other decisions that you could have possibly made are gone. no other option is possible. it's tough to act when you think about that too hard.

it's those consequences that you can't come back from that i hate and think about too much. when you have a decision that really does exclude you from coming back to the other possibilities.
nope, you don't know what i'm talking about, this one stays close to home for now.
i could talk about much more productive things, but i'll save it for another night.

i finished my game, for real this time. i turned it in, i'm done. only one class left to do work for, but it's two whole videos.

imagine that you are defending the shoreline from attackers at sea. you're on the beaches, watching the ships sail up. you see all the men leaving the ships, coming toward you. all at once, the enemy vessels light up, on fire. your foe is destroying the only way of escape. they will not retreat. victory or death. you are shaken.

that's what the song Burn the Fleet is about. it just played on random. i liked the imagery the song gives, it's from the perspective of the ones on the ships.

i feel like i'm getting tired and more random. beware.

i hate alcohol. i don't know if i have a good reason to though. this leaves me conflicted. should i hate it? if it weren't past midnight i could truthfully say that i'll be 21 in one month. i don't plan on drinking. in fact, if i ever do drink, i doubt very much that it will be a planned event. i expect that it would be a random spur of the moment situation, and it would probably be caused by some swing of mood. i'm imagining that i'm doing nothing in particular at some place where there is alcohol around, then suddenly i say "fsck it" and i down somebody else's shot. yeah.

why do we have to be so imperfect? the people i want to look up to still have flaws, and i don't like that. what do i expect? i don't know, what do i expect? i guess this is where Jesus comes in but i know for sure i'm not trying hard enough.

"oh, my babys gonna take your breath away, oh my babys gonna burn your soul"

sometimes i don't care about grammatical errors. sometimes.

smoking has got to be one of the stupidest things anybody can ever do. honestly. SERIOUSLY. don't tell me "stress relief." your treating symptoms, not problems. that's THE problem with so many solutions. they don't help the problem at all, they pretend to by hiding what makes the problem obvious.

if only everybody knew how hard sometimes i try to make you think of me what i want you to think of me. i hate it when i do that. i'm probably just fooling myself, i can't make you think anything, but i like to try. i'll carefully construct this picture in your head, tearing it down to rebuild if i ever see fit. ugh. i want somebody to see right through and slap me out of that stupid little world. i thought i had it.

wow i'm really going all out tonight. i think i've been listening to too much crazy music and it's showing. what else can i go on a rant about?
hmmm. how about how i wish i could just make all these mistakes and not care about it. if i could just drop my intelligence and good judgment. that would be stupid.

friendship? what is that? you have no idea how bad i am at that. an no, if you've read that and think you know what i mean, you probably don't.

i need to stop.

ending with the last lines of the last song that played tonight.

"picture perfect portrait of a boyfriend...
best friends? oh, that's right..."