the morning is usually sane

listening to: Portugal the Man - Tommy

this morning, before i headed off to work, i had a big dramatic rush of thoughts. a knife of insight into why i do some things. i was ready to let the knife cut and spill all those things out to someplace like this. instead, now so many hours after the moment, i'm feeling less dramatic and less willing to be sliced.
but i'll bleed just a little for now.

in the very first week of my college life i realized something interesting. here i am going to a new place where i'll meet and interact with people i've never met before and they know nothing of me. if i ever wanted to be something other than what i was right then, here was the time. i could act any way i wanted to and make people think i was this or that type of person. i had total freedom to craft an image for myself to be held in their minds.
but i realized quite plainly that i was fine just being me, the boy i was at the time. i'm happy for that decision. but still, though i decide to be me, i still find myself caring a good deal about how people think of me. so much so that i sometimes go to lengths to give them the impression of me that i'd like them to have. when people have said or done things that threaten my carefully placed idea of "jarrod" in someone else's eyes, i've often gotten angry and fought to defend that fake me.
but, that's not the case always. there's also the few, (probably too few) that i have tried hard to let know me for real, inside and out, the thoughts that go through my head and why. all the crazy little things. i want them to know all about me, and i hope that they'll still be cool with me once they do know.
(there was once this person that i wanted desperately to tell all my thoughts to. i tried, but they didn't care. i haven't seen them in a long time. i would almost like to again, not least of all because i think it would make them very uncomfortable and awkward :) )

so this morning i realized that this, this right here, the blog, is an attempt at being real. i really hardly (if at all) talk to anybody about the things in here. which.... may be tragic. haha. is this the result of the internet? this awkward "here i am" thing? i do know that i don't like to randomly share all my metacognition and analysis on various pieces of life. if asked, then sure, but otherwise i keep things to myself. but here, on the grand old internets, i can just simply place my thoughts down and they can be examined if so desired. perfectly passive.

perfectly awkwardly nerdily probably not the best way at all to go about it.

"you're not accomplishing anything by waiting here" he said.
"i know you know that.
so what's worth waiting for?
i know what you're thinking, and if that path crosses
it's going to be ahead, not at this place."

"but there's so many 'what ifs' to think of..." i said.

he advised, "you can't let that paralyze you.
there's many possibilities but only one choice of action.
you've lost if you choose inaction."