insides

listening to: The Number Twelve Looks Like You - My Sharona (originally by The Knack)

today i realized i'm attracted, or drawn to, tragedy/sadness/lonliness.

i don't mean that to say that I want to be any of those things, but hostorically that kind of thing has drawn me towards a girl, seeing that in them.  there's this desire in me to fix, to make better, to comfort, and so when i see that need i want to help it.  this isn't necessarily a bad impulse, but handled incorrectly it can cause more harm than good.

and it's not just today that i realized this point, i've known this about myself for a while now.  but today is the first time i've realized how this impulse in me has been affecting my thinking lately, in a way i don't wish to share with the interwebz.  (i say a lot, but i don't say everything here)

i understand sadness and lonliness, and i know it's not fun.  i can relate to it.  that's part of why i'm drawn to make it better for another person sometimes.  but since when has joy and happiness attracted me?  can i not relate to those things as well as i can the sad things?

i hope that's not the case.

but that's why something lately has felt so strange to me.  i realized that i've been searching for some sign of sadness, of lonliness, of a desire to not be alone.  i've been looking for an empty feeling of discontent that i can fill.  is that because i think that then there's a reason for me to be around?  like i have a place to belong to?  i don't know.  this is my thought process as i go along.

but maybe now i want joy instead of sadness.  maybe i want to join in with the happiness instead of trying to be the reason for it.

maybe i'm figuring myself out and finding my faults and learning where i'm weak and seeing where to walk.  maybe i'll do something different.

i wish i could talk to a clone of myself for a day.  or maybe less than a day.  i probably couldn't stand myself for too long.  i think i could talk a lot of sense into me, given a little time.  i know the stupid things i do, the things that don't make sense.  i'd be the only one willing to be hard enough on myself to get through to me.  when my voice is only in my head though, it's easy to shut out.  i should take the advice i'd give me if i asked myself.

heh.

this is absolutely all about relationships.

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in other news:

i drove out to Ionia today to pick up a guitar case i bought from a guy on craigslist.  $50, but he gave it to me for $40 because i drove all the way out there.  nice guy.  now i have a hard case for my guitar and i'm pleased.

hung out with rich, adam, twinkia, travis and casey again tonight.  last night twinkie broke my little chair that rocks and he felt real bad.  he had the same kind of chair at home, but upgraded to leather, and while i was at his house he made me take that home with me to replace it.  and he bought me some burger king.  he wouldn't let me pay him back for it.  it's a shame i don't hang out with him aside from when rich, adam or travis come home.  travis won't be back for another year.  air force.  las vegas.  bye dude.

lovely friends, those guys are.  had a good talk with rich last night.  i miss him when he's gone in chicago for so long.  cya on Christmas break.

the semester is ending fast.

i'm not unhappy about that at all.

time to flip on the last bit of Back to the Future II that i fell asleep for and the fall asleep again, like i do most every night.  sleep is good.

i'm trading my sorrow

i'm trading my shame

i'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord