memory

we are so fragile. we are our memories.

what if we couldn't depend on our memory? the only way we know things from the past is through our memories, but what if our memories were wrong. there's no way we would know unless someone told us different. but then their memory could be wrong too.

it must be a terrible thing, to begin to lose your memory. to have to lose faith in anything that you thought you knew.

i dunno, i just thought of this for some reason.

today some people said some very nice things to me.

1. "most women would kill for your hair" - random lady at work
2. "you're a pretty special guy. you're a cool person. stay cool." - debbie at work, today was her last day :(
3. "ur like a brother that i need" - dan

i'm blessed.

last night i was up late because i wrote out a long refuting argument to my old roomate josh. he stated that man is equal to god and he gave 4 proofs for his conclusion. God has been constantly reminding me that He is there, and i am so glad for that.

i want to promise that i'll have my song all recorded and posted by the end of next week, but we'll see. i added 4 more lines to it today to make it flow better. i'm going to record the guitar and voice separately and mix them together. since then there won't be video that matches both things, i may make a simple little "music video" out of it. but really, it will be simple.
i want to be done with this song so i can go past it.
i've had it stuck in my head lately. is that weird? to have your own song stuck in your head?

i'm getting healthier. i feel like my sickness is almost gone now, after 5 weeks. i don't have coughing fits, just little coughs here and there. maybe my physical sickness had something to do with what things were like for me mentally? eh, i think that's a stretch.

as a closing statement, i would highly encourage you to go listen to Thrice's new released track, titled Come All You Weary. it's on their myspace page www.myspace.com/thrice
lovely song, absolutely wonderful. they constantly prove to me why they are my favorite band.

farewell.

God is Good

yesterday was rough for me. a lot of the day was spent fighting with my own mind. how ridiculous is it that i can't trust myself? i can't even know or do what's best for me, and sometimes i do what is worse. i struggled, and prayed, and cried to God, and then i fell asleep. I woke up feeling slightly empty inside, but better than before i slept.

today was my philosophy midterm. i hardly studied for it. i made myself study some before bed last night, but i was allowed to write anything i wanted for notes on one piece of paper and i hardly wrote anything at all. i got to class early to get some extra studying in. i open my book and start reading the things i know least about, when i come across two quotes on the same page that apply directly to me and what's been on my mind. the first one is from Rene Descartes, who is a philosopher i used to know very little about and now i have much more respect for. he said:

"It must always be recollected, however, that possibly I deceive myself, and that what I take to be gold and diamonds is perhaps no more than copper or glass."

this goes right along with what i had been thinking not 20 minutes beforehand as i was walking to class. i can't trust myself in everything. if i can't trust myself, who can i trust? God is the only constant.
the other quote was from Thomas Merton. Thomas Merton! The man i'm reading about and respect so much. It was such a joy to find this quote and then to also find that it was from him. He said:

"What is important is not liberation from the body but liberation from the mind. We are not entangled in our own body, but entangled in our own mind."

ain't it the truth. i've been wrestling with myself for the past few days, and it's all in my head. it's all in the way i've been thinking, the way my mind has been working. finally and thankfully i've decided to be free of it. God willing, i'll succeed.

I was fairly worried about the test today. Like i said, i didn't study much. i love the class though and i wanted to do well. we had 3 essay questions picked by the teacher out of a possible 10 he gave us on a review sheet. what a miraculous blessing it was when i found out which ones he picked. the first was on Plato and his views on democracy, which is one of the very few things i reviewed the night before. the other was on Stoicism, which i hadn't reviewed but i really was interested in so i took the time to learn it. the last essay was on Thomas Aquinas and his solution to the problem of evil. they covered that in class while i was in california, and thankfully that was the last thing i read before i went to sleep, and read it so in depth that i stayed up later than i intended. i'm not even concerned with what grade i'm going to get on that test. i was very happy with the answers i gave and i feel great about it all.

yesterday i had prayed multiple times for God to be close to me and to show me His will in ways that I'll understand. just this morning alone has shown me that i'm on the right path and that i'm not alone.

Thank God for life. life and all that comes with it, hard and easy, sorrow and joy, chained and free.

Thrice - Hold Fast Hope

how can you be sleeping, waves like weapons crash
o'er us, cry for mercy and hold fast hope

who of us is cursed, or do we have to ask
search your souls and hold fast
if no one speaks a word, then let the lots be cast
truth be told and hold fast

white death wakes in black skies, mark your maker's wrath
fear and flames of azure climb the crooked mast
you will yet be baptized, steeped in shattered glass
sink and sing your answer and hold fast hope

as strong arms grip your shoulders like dead hands of the past
pray as you're tossed over, this breath could be your last

quiet and cold, silent and slow
night black as coal, miles here below

find your faith and dive deep, through living gateways pass
lined with death and ivory, and hold fast, hold fast

deep beneath the black dawn, leagues from lightning's flash
ribs will raise cathedrals for the morning mass
steel yourself in sackcloth, roll your heart in ash
scrape your skin with steel wool and hold fast hope
cross your heart and hold fast hope

i've done it

i did exactly, exactly what i didn't want to do.

productive? feels like it.

instead of writing out some homework or reading or studying this morning, i finished my song.

well, i feel good about it at least. :)
i've got all the words done and the music for guitar. i can pretty much sing it and play it at the same time decently. we'll see if i try to do that or try to record singing/playing separately and mix them together. of course if i start doing separate parts and mixing, there's no telling where I would stop adding things in just because I could. I mean, I'm even thinking of ideas of how to make it into a simple music video. it's so exciting, i even started capitalizing some things in that last sentence! but we shall see, we shall.

i have this unfortunate feeling though that maybe this song was a selfish endeavor. like, i did it for me. really, i guess that doesn't seem bad, isn't that what you should do? not write music for others, write it because you want to. i don't know. i'm becoming more aware lately that I have a selfish mind, but sometimes i like doing things for somebody else so much that it feels strange to do something for just me.

as long as this isn't detrimental, it'll be ok.

time to get ready for class. love you, world.

cookie

this cookie in my hand, which you cannot see, is delicious.

but more importantly to me, it's reminding me of what i'm already beginning to remember.

patience is really what i need to strive for. i have this will to express that builds up in me and if i don't do something it leaks out, not always in a good way.

so i have to find something to put my energy into. i'm writing a whole song. it's almost done. i have music, simple music, but music that i can play and still be able to sing to at the same time. this song sounds so good in my head. it's too bad i've only got this one instrument to do it with. i made some piano midi that can go with it. who knows, maybe i'll go all out and try to record multiple things and mix them together in Acid. but first i need to finish it and be able to play it by myself.

i'll divulge more about it when it's done.

i'd like to thank rich for looking out for me like he said he would. asking my intentions, making sure i think i'm doing the right things. thanks bro.

it's laaaate. tomorrow i talk to my teacher to see what this "job offer" in flash is all about. i like flash programming quite a bit. i'll be praying about all of this.

night.

quick thought

(looks like this post will go out in the morning, seeing as our internet just went down. but i wrote it at about 2am)

tonight i sent out some emails to follow up on internship talks I had at GDC. i expressed to my good friend the misgivings i have about moving away for the summer for an internship. i don't like the idea of leaving my friends and the communities i'm in behind. it's something i would miss.

don't let this make you think that I wouldn't go just because of this simple longing to be with my friends that i love. after all, it is only a summer, and i'm sure it would be an awesomely amazing summer. but thinking about it while lying in bed (yeah i got out of bed to write this) i realized what it is that's making me worried about it.

it's not that i don't want to go out in the world and do things, it's that i don't wish to do it alone.

i got a taste of it when i left for california. i was worried about how i'd feel, but it ended up being much less than i expected. and it's silly to think that i'm ever really alone when i know that God is always with me. but i struggle with wishing for and wanting the companion that God has made for me, the woman who will complete me. it's not like i know who it is, but i know that person exists. i'd like to think of myself as a very patient person, but it seems that sometimes even i can't resist trying to grab at something that looks as if it's right in front of me.

i must learn greater patience. teach me God, may my heart be open to You. keep me from foolishness.

goodnight.

an attempt at a recap

GDC 08 is done and over.
is it possible to summarize quickly? I'll try.

i guess i can make this easier on myself if I start where i left off last, thursday.
oh, i've got videos uploaded of the Smash Bros Brawl tournament on youtube. www.youtube.com/pap3rtig3rs
thursday night Giannii and i went out for pizza and he told me about his idea for an online flash based graphic novel. it's sounds really sweet and I hope i'll be able to help him out with it. thanks again Giannii for letting me stay at your place. Friday was the last day of the conference. Worked some, went out to eat dinner with my new friends, went to the volunteer post mortem and got some free stuff. Good times, but then I had to say goodbye.

I'd like to take a moment to acknowledge my new friends from indiana: Chris, Justin, and Tim. i dunno if you'll ever read this, but you guys rock and i'm going to try very hard to make it down there for the gaming event you'll have going on next month.

the bus ride home was made interesting by talking to a couple who asked about all the stuff i was carrying with me. i told them about the conference and stuff and they were just nice people. i hung out with Giannii a bit more friday night, then went to bed so i could wake up early to make my flight. the flights were mostly uneventful, filled with a half asleep state of mind. tim and i were on the same plane to chicago and we hung out a bit during our layovers. on the plane back to GR i sat next to a young married couple coming back from a mission trip in mexico. they were cool to talk to. i envied them a bit. they loved each other and it was obvious. but i try to keep these kind of thoughts away from myself these days. i say that with a smile.

thanks kel for the phone calls.

and so i made it home safe and sound. it was a great trip. there was something about just getting away from all my regular routines and thoughts that was really nice, but now it's time to get back to what i left behind here.

i bid you goodnight with something i read in Proverbs today.
Proverbs 3:3 "Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around neck, write them on the tablet of your heart."

the heart of rebellion is beating

i don't think i'm going to do a recap of the past week just yet.

i need to go to bed soon and i still need a shower.

i'm feeling pretty intense right now. passionate/motivated/driven.
i feel rebellious.
hm... if i went on to explain in full what i mean, i would be writing too long.
i'll give a short version.

the rebellion is on more than one level.
part of it comes from this past week.
a rebellion against the convention of game developing. of doing things like everybody else. i feel like embracing the indie spirit of game development. it seems so much more free, more expressive, more awesome. though i hear the money is often not real good hehe :) but then again, i realized and decided a while ago that money isn't what makes happiness, so my goal should not be making lots of money. it's hard to explain shortly, so i'm not going to try. but suffice it for me to say that I have ideas, I like them and I'll see where they take me.

the other form of rebellion is within myself.
..... hahaha. i just realized i don't know how to explain this either.
maybe this quote that i read today can help. it's from the book i'm still reading by thomas merton. it's talking about a great professor that merton had in college:
"And for him poetry was, indeed, a virtue of the practical intellect, and not simply a vague spilling of the emotions, wasting the soul and perfecting none of our essential powers."

i don't know if i agree with it completely, but sometimes i really don't want to be vaguely "spilling my emotions." my rebellion is against my habit of thoughts that are not beneficial, too often detrimental to me. be satisfied with that because I can't think of a better way to put it :)

in closing, tomorrow will most likely be filled with much uploading of pictures/videos. indeed, this past week has been awesome.

farewell.

my mind is soaring

things are going great. so so good.

i scoured the career pavilion today for internships. i was pleased.
i'm pretty sure i talked to all the companies I wanted to talk to, and even some I really didn't feel like talking to. I handed out resume's, business cards, and portfolio CDs. the first time I presented myself, to bottlerocket games, was sooo good. i felt so awesome after it, things just went really well. a lot of companies were only accepting things online, but that's ok. I made sure to write down what companies said to me about contacting them or where to look for internships. i need to remember to get back to companies that I handed stuff to. great day for career related things, imo.

Super Smash Brothers Brawl. This is such an awesome game, i love it. I would not choose to marry it, but take it as a mistress that I flaunt in the face of my peers, but without having an obligation for a relationship focused on longevity. Perhaps if I had won the tournament I would consider matrimony. But I didn't. Lost in the first round. Curse you yoshi's island for trapping me underneath you unawares twice. It came down to me and a person that played zelda in the actual form of zelda. Let me say, the years of playing against only sheik were detrimental. Zelda's magic related melee attacks are OP and I was not prepared for it. More counters may have turned the tides in my favor. We were both down to 1 stock left, and her attack was just too strong, it hit me too far. Alas....
But it was amazing to play that game though. I can't wait for it to come out.

I have so many pictures and videos of this week to upload. I'm going to be busy when I get back home. Don't let that make you think that I don't want to do anything though. Getting out of the house is good.

Anyway, I need to go grab some dinner, probably with Giannii. A special thanks goes out to him for letting me stay at his place. Instead of $50 a night in hotel bills, I only pay $3 for the bus ride to the covention center and back. Rockin'

Speaking of rocking... I've had dragonforce stuck in my head every day this week because every day I have to walk by Intel's booth where they have guitar hero 3 set up and people are always playing that song. Ridiculous. Some people can even beat it on expert. Also ridiculous. or, ridic, for short.

I'm skipping the parties with drunk people. Even if I do meet people/get business cards, they may not remember me the next day. Alcohol just really isn't my thing.

Pray that I stop coughing. I would like it to end.

Kthxbye.

spare moment

ok, so i'm in california.

!!!!!

it's not real warm, but it's way warmer than michigan and there's no snow here.
that's a win in my book.

flights went well. met a cool guy named kevin on my flight to detroit. he's an aerospace engineer and he likes games and we talked about them. he was going to china for his job, pretty cool. he told me about the world's biggest golf course there, 216 holes i think it was. that's just nuts. the first flight was a little behind schedule and i had to run to make it to my second flight out here to san francisco.

things are fun. i'm seeing friends from last year and already making new ones. too bad i forgot my hackey sack at home, that' s a good friend making tool.

i'm on one of the general use computers here at the conference so i'm making this short and i won't be uploading any pictures or anything. i am taking pictures however. for instance, a store here had like 10 different kinds of arizona beverages, more than i ever knew existed, so i took a picture of it. the friend that i'm staying with lives right by haight/ashbury, so i'll take some pictures over there.

everything is cool. the conference will be fun. lovin' it.

oh oh, i almost forgot. here at this conference is a japanese version of Super Smash Bros Brawl. we're going to be having tournaments all week on it, and on the last day there will be a tournament against people from Nintendo. rock on!

alrighty, that's all for now. adios.

sleep is for the weak

chicago and back again was awesome.

i had a blast there with rich/adam/lory and all others.

we were so college. it doesn't get more college than how college we were.
there were movies in dorms, late night chinese food orders, guitar hero, dota, spooning, hackey sack, all you can eat meals, name calling, lame jokes... all the good stuff.

i really think i can get along with all of rich's friends down there.
i like hanging with those guys.

After driving back I went out for some coffee/hot chocolate with Alex. that was really cool, i should do that with people more often. good idea.

So right now I'm in the middle of packing and burning 20 CDs to hand out with my portfolio work on them. I plan on maybe uploading a bunch of pics/video to facebook before i go to sleep too. it's currently 2:17 and i need to wake up at or around 7. ouch. this is going to hurt.

i have no great plans for sleeping over the next week.

i'd post some pictures here from the chicago adventure but i don't have the time.
maybe when i get back? perhaps?
they'll be on facebook, if you know me on there.

gah i'm so tired it's 3:44. i've got a couple more cds to burn then it's sleep time.

can i write anything original tonight? my brain feels fried. i've had a couple headaches today, and i don't get those often. ok, let's write something encouraging.


i was thinking about this on the drive home from chicago.
worrying.
currently, the thing i'm worried about is if i get an internship offer out in california.
first of all, will one even happen or not? and if an offer is made, do i take it?
i'm worried about having to move away from home/family/friends/ safety.
but really, why should i be worrying about it right now? i have no idea if any of it will happen, it's not in my hands.
Jesus said, i think in Matthew, something like "Who of you can add a day to his life by worrying?" and the answer to that question is, of course, nobody.
i know God's gonna take care of me, it's happened so many times before. I just need to trust in him.
During winter break, I had a major crisis over deciding whether or not I even wanted to continue with what I was going to school for. I didn't have the money, I had lost the will, and things just generally seemed to suck. At almost the last minute, I realized that I really did want to keep going, and I applied for a loan and miraculously I wasn't dropped from my classes for not paying on time and the money came in. I remember desperately needing the loan check to come in the mail on one day, or else I wouldn't be able to pay for things. Sure enough, it came in just in time. I remember having $8 to my name for food over a week and half. I sat at His House and when the manna bucket came around I said to myself, "ok God, i'm trusting you, let's see what happens" and i tossed in 5 of the 8. not more than an hour later, ryan thatcher comes up to me and hands me a box of milk and cereal bars, only because we had been talking about them that weekend and I said i loved them and hadn't seen them in years. I can't remember exactly what it was, but another thing like that happened to me that week as well. I felt so free in that experience. I gave to God what I knew I was going to need to buy food for myself, and
God provided for me, totally.

If for any reason I suddenly became certain that God didn't exist, I think the first thing I would do is panic. All the close calls and near misses of disaster and misfortune in my life would cease to have been God influenced, it would just be sheer luck. I would have to live my life unsure of everything. How in the world I could have made it in life this far without there being a God who cared about me is beyond my understanding. I've been so very blessed with everything I have. I don't deserve any sort of blessing, each one is a surprise that I should be continuously grateful for.

I'm leaving to go to california in a matter of hours now. I wouldn't be going if God hadn't put a couple key people in my life. I don't have to pay for my plane flights thanks to the generosity of a friend. I don't have to pay for a hotel thanks to the friendship made with a guy last year who lives in san francisco. I wouldn't have been able to afford either of those things. There's a purpose for me being out there this week, and I need to seek it.

I want to enter into God's will for me with arms and eyes wide open. I pray that I know how.

Farewell.

crazy crazy

i've been going nuts over the past couple hours.

tomorrow (friday) i'm driving down to michigan city early to hop on a train to chicago.
purpose: visit rich!
i'll also be going to the auto show there and rich and i will meet up with jo at some point i'm sure. we'll see how that all goes.

i'm doing tons of stuff last minute in preparing for GDC. today i printed out resumes that i made last night. i've got my business cards, little flavor cards also. here, i'll show you:


ta daaa. yeah it's small there, i know. i hope to get an actual website of my own going sometime. Perhaps when I'm better at flash, which should be soon *crosses fingers* Flash websites are cool.

So um... i definitely need to go to sleep. I dunno how much I'll be able to post while at GDC in SanFran, but I'll at least be keeping a journal of sorts while I'm there. so you can read all my little thoughts like I know you love to. I hope to be getting a good amount of reading done while on plane flights/in layovers. I also kind of hope to talk to random people :)

I'll leave you with this little writing I thought of tonight. It came into my head when i was looking for my business cards and found a candle.

tonight i'll light a candle
and read within it's glow
and bathe in memories of times
when sleeping came so slow

-i'm such a fan of the short poem. well, if it means nothing to you, it has meaning for me, and that's what matters.

goodnight internet.

missed a night/made a morning

i didn't post anything yesterday. i was pretty tired/busy and my sickness seems to be reaching a peak, so i just went to bed. i did however, record a bunch of guitar stuff and post it to youtube earlier in the evening. so here is that video if you're interested.



it's sloppily played, not that great of sound quality, but i had fun with it. i had to edit a lot of stuff out to get it below the 10 minute youtube limit, so you got to see a lot less of me screwing up than i intended :) Listen to what people (mostly nick) say in the background, some of it is funny. if you go the actual youtube page it lists what songs i'm playing parts from. my username there is Pap3rTig3rs if you want to look me up.

so anyway, i need to get headed to class. i accomplished my mission this morning, but it was cold. the weather really should get warmer. oh wait, i'm going to California in a few days.... :D

and tomorrow it's off to Chicago! joyous! rejoice! Rich!

i might post some more tonight, we'll see.
happy valentines day to you all. (whoever the "you all" that reads this is!)

everybody's gonna love today
-i do.

my oh my

I just took some nyqil pillz.

i dislike taking pills but was convinced to take these for my own good.
i should start fading out very soon.
but before i go i thought i'd share some things written today.

i think i actually came up with both things in philosophy class this morning.
that's a good class for thinking/brain activity.

first is a little something taken from the tune of a Drop Dead, Gorgeous song titled "It's Pretty Hard to Beat the King."
----
hey baby,
i've got a reason to breathe
it's not for somebody else


and just maybe
we'll walk right out of this scene
and find out why we're ourselves
----

if you could only hear the piano part to that song, sets the whole tone.
second thing is lines that came into my head sitting in class.
i feel like i've heard it somewhere before, but i think i made it up.
maybe i read it somewhere though... the Bible? anyway, it is:
----
give me sorrow
that i may know joy.
give me trouble
that i may know peace.
give me judgement
that i may know grace.
and give me lonliness
so that i may know love.
----
sounds like a psalm.
hopefully i didn't steal it.

ok, time for my nyquil induced sleep. this should be nice.
thanks kel.

winter can end now.... please

i'd love it if winter ended.

this morning i was late to work.
my car would not move from it's spot on the side of the street.
after many tries to rearrange snow in/under/around my car
(which included getting in and out of the passenger side door multiple times because the other door is froze in the "locked" position)
i realized that one of my tires was chillin' on ice.
that was enough to keep my car from going anywhere.


went inside, got a large pot of hot water
dumped that all around my tire
turned the ice to slush and once i spun the tire and hit pavement,
i was free.
free to go to work.
yee haw.

but i felt accomplished doing all that work and solving the problem on my own. it was nice in a way. but i'd really like it if the weather would just warm up and stop giving me wednesday snow days because i really do like my classes that day.

i think that's all there is of note tonight. i'm getting excited to go to chicago, and then of course california. i hope to be taking a lot of pictures, which i'm usually bad at doing. we shall see. i need to get a resume together and possibly put some more stuff into my printed portfolio.

here's a thought that scares me. if i get a good summer internship offer out on the west coast or anywhere else, i might take it. i am terrified. in my mind, if God gives me this opportunity, I think i should take it. it would only be for a summer. scary, so scary to me, but I could do it. we shall see with time and prayer though. time and prayer.

i started writing a song while i was at work today, standing around at the gas station covering a break. it's 4 lines so far, not a lot because i got distracted from writing. it's going to be about "the one." you know, that special some one that you'll marry and have an awesome life with. here's what i've got so far;

do i already know you?
have i ever seen your face?
or is it that i'll meet you at,
another time and place?

that's it. following my habit of 4 line writing. i like structure, symmetry. i like having rules to work in and with. most times at least.

over the years, i've written a fair amount of things for one girl or another, whether they ever knew it or not. poems/letters/songs or whatever. i think i've always been kind of dreamy when it comes to relationships, and i put a lot of myself and feelings into them. i'm not always realistic about things, so i can get carried away with my written affection. but i gave myself a new outlook on this. all the songs, all the poems, the words of love, they're really for that one person I'm going to end up with. Sure, I might have given those things to other girls, but the love behind it is intended for *the* girl. I'm afraid that one day I might have to apologize for my misdirected love, but I think I'll be able to say "I wrote this for you."

and i think that's kind of what the song is going to be about. it might be split into two parts, one from each person's perspective in the relationship, the guy and girl. the b and the g. but we'll see what happens when i take the time to work on it.

i so stay up later than i should.
-farewell.

a try

so i've got this small ambition. i'm going to attempt to write some sort of something every day.
and in case you want to know what i'm writing, you won't have to look any farther than right here.

of course, this try is going to fail, because i'm leaving for california next week, and won't have a computer unless the kindness of my already very kind host giannii extends to an offer of internet access.

i'm not sad, but i feel like expressing sadness. so, jumping into another perspective, i'll write.


how broken must i become before i can be made whole?
are my pieces numerous enough to be restored as a new creation?
how long must i endure this darkness and distance and despair?
if i am not low enough,
if i am not humble enough,
if i still resemble the life i asked for deliverance from
then drive me deeper
break me further
until You are all that is left of me and i am nothing.

make me, mold me,
shape me, forge me,
build me to be beautiful for You.
an image of your love, grace and peace

Lord i am Yours.
------------------------------------------

i'm unsatisfied with that for some reason. from a writing point of view at least. the message is there, i think, but i don't feel i presented it well enough. i guess if i force myself to write i'm not always going to love what comes out. heh.

if nothing else, at least i'll have tried.

just before bed.

i came across another quote from The Seven Storey Mountain that I wanted to share. Some of this book is boring. I'm pretty positive it's mostly an autobiography, but if there's little things like this scattered about in the book, then it's worth reading it all.

Merton is talking about his childhood. He has a younger brother. Merton and his friends are building a fort and not allowing the little brother to participate. They throw rocks at him when he tried to come close, so he's standing just out of range.

"And there he stands, not sobbing, not crying, but angry and unhappy and offended and tremendously sad. And yet he is fascinated by what we are doing, nailing shingles all over our new hut. And his tremendous desire to be with us and to do what we are doing will not permit him to go away. The law written in his nature says that he must be with his elder brother, and do what he is doing: and he cannot understand why this law of love is being so wildly and unjustly violated in this case.
Many times it was like that. And in a sense, this terrible situation is the pattern and prototype of all sin: the deliberate and formal will to reject disinterested love for us for the purely arbitrary reason that we simply do not want it. We will to separate ourselves from that love. We reject it entirely and absolutely, and will not acknowledge it, simply because it does not please us to be loved. Perhaps the inner motive is that the fact of being loved disinterestedly reminds us that we all need love from others, and depend upon the charity of others to carry on our own lives. And we refuse love, and reject society, in so far as it seems, in our own perverse imagination, to imply some obscure kind of humiliation."

-i still need to turn this over in my mind more to grasp what it totally means, but i think it's important. input on it would be cool if you feel like it.

now goodnight for reals.

writing. my brother's band is cool.

As wounds of past begin to fade
The scars of present within will pave
The path ahead but leave behind
The memory of bitter times

A melody of sweet release
Is strangled by uneasy peace
A dissonance among the chords
Of recklessness and future wars

Prepare yourself, by your request
For true and certain brokenness
A needed loss of self alive
For in His hand you’ll be revived

A phoenix risen from the flames
A battered soul renewed again
A heart prepared for life’s embrace
To take the world on face to face

Step into the light!

----------------------------------

i've got a little something planned for this. a short video. open a song with a poem like this
and then tear into the music at the end. i don't have music to "tear" into, but i can make
something. i like the 4 stanzas/4 lines each approach. it's got a certain rhythm to it in my head that i like.

i saw my little brother's band play at Battle of the Bands tonight. i had no idea they semi-broke up and reformed 3 weeks ago. They have most of the same people, but they are no longer called Basanotis. They are called Kenny and the Bear Snatchers. they are GOOD. i like them a lot. very entertaining, fun loving guys. my brother sings in the band. i love my brother. my whole family. and my friends. love love love. haha.

i wish to be sung to sleep. not going to happen. sleep has come slowly lately.

i need to do some reading and then sleep.

peace.

rice cakes

Morning to night:

Wake-Eggs-Key-Work-Groceries-Work-Party

i felt like it was awkward that at work i told some people that there was a "party" at my house tonight and i knew that at least a few of them assumed that meant alcohol. when you hear "party" in college, i feel that's what most people assume, drinking. haha, actually, i forgot that there was beer there.

very fun night, i do believe things went well.

i feel like this is going to be like surgery. careful incisions to cut out the right parts.
i like the feel of the image this line presents to me:

"the shrapnel remains in my skin from the explosion of your life into mine"

good material for a song, The Devil Wears Prada style. oh, "what is The Devil Wears Prada style?" you ask? glad you asked. here is one of their music videos with the lyrics beneath it. they're a Christian band, mind you.



Lyrics to song Hey John, What's Your Name Again?

The concept of fashion is the one to blame: painting the portrait of
conviction-less existence. well, it must be difficult being so gorgeous.
claiming to be the kings and queens but it's all of nothing
this shall pass. megalomania. congratulations on mutiliation for a life
i'm going to hope for you, i'm going to pray for you
amongst the wreckless and the black
salvation lies within.
my time is your's my friend. we all find ourselves so horribly weak
(Oh God,) here's an offering
-------------------------------------------------------------------
so maybe you don't like the music, but maybe you can handle the message of the words. i like that band.


ah, surgery.
the shrapnel of you left in me from the combustion of two lives colliding.
piece by piece, removing the shards embedded within
until the bits are broken on the floor
only the deepest remnants remain, for time undetermined.
You are the surgeon Lord, operate as you see fit
though it bleeds and it burns
sometimes to cauterize is to heal best.


-wow, i do believe i like what i've just written. a poem. maybe someday a song.
don't get any ideas about misery. i'm happy. i feel better writing, it's good.
catharsis, haha.

goodnight to you.

A brilliant discovery

I just discovered the majesty of the iGoogle homepage. I'm lovin' it.

Also, I posted my portfolio video reel to youtube!
Check it out right here!



I also have a very full cup of very hot, hot chocolate. It was a long, slow walk downstairs and back to the classroom after that vending machine trip.

Cheers!

This is going to be good

I just picked up Thomas Merton's book The Seven Storey Mountain. In case you hadn't seen the previous post, he was a man with a pretty good life and he dropped it all to become a Trappist monk. I didn't know what a Trappist was so I looked it up. Trappists are monks of the Roman Catholic religious order, and they live a life of contemplation and prayer. They are usually silent, forsaking idle talk and speaking only when necessary. That's probably as much as you need to know, but in case you want to know more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trappist

I got the book from the school library and I was surprised by it. It was a small black book with no art or words anywhere on the cover. The title had been taped on the spine by the library. There was no quick little introduction in the front, so I flipped to the back and read the last page and a half. What I read amazed me. This is what it said:

"For I knew that it was only by leaving them that I could come to You: and that is why I have been so unhappy when You seemed to be condemning me to remain in them. Now my sorrow is over, and my joy is about to begin: the joy that rejoices in the deepest sorrows. For I am beginning to understand. You have taught me, and have consoled me, and I have begun again to hope and learn.
I hear You saying to me:
"I will give you what you desire. I will lead you into solitude. I will lead you by the way that you cannot possibly understand, because I want it to be the quickest way.
Therefore all the things around you will be armed against you, to deny you, to hurt you, to give you pain, and therefore to reduce you, to solitude.
Because of their enmity, you will soon be left alone. They will cast you out and forsake you and reject you and you will be alone.
Everything that touches you shall burn you, and you will draw your hand away in pain, until you have withdrawn yourself from all things. Then you will be all alone.
Everything that can be desired will sear you, and brand you with a cautery, and you will fly from it in pain, to be alone. Every created joy will only come to you as pain, and you will die to all joy and be left alone. All the good things that other people love and desire and seek will come to you, but only as murderers to cut you off from the world and its occupations.
You will be praised, and it will be like burning at the stake. You will be loved, and it will murder your heart and drive you into the desert.
You will have gifts, and they will break you with their burden. You will have pleasures of prayer, and they will sicken you and you will fly from them.
And when you have been praised a little and loved a little, I will take away all your gifts and all your love and all your praise and you will be utterly forgotten and abandoned and you will be nothing, a dead thing, a rejection. And in that day you shall begin to possess the solitude you have so long desired. And your solitude will bear immense fruit in the souls of men you will never see on earth.
Do not ask when it will be or where it will be or how it will be: On a mountain or in a prison, in a desert or in a concentration camp or in a hospital or in Gethsemani. It does not matter. So do not as me, because I am not going to tell you. You will not know until you are in it.
"But you shall taste the true solitude of my anguish and my poverty and I shall lead you into the high places of my joy and you shall die in Me and find all things in My mercy which has created for you this end and brought you from Prades to Bermuda to St. Antonin to Oakham to London to Cambridge to Rome to New York to Columbia to Corpus Christi to St. Bonaventure to the Cistercian Abbey of the poor men who labor in Gethsemani:
That you may become the brother of God and learn to know the Christ of the burnt men."


Sitting on the floor of the library, right in the aisle, I couldn't stop myself from just saying aloud "wow." I think this book is going to be good.

One more thing. In my philosophy class today we talked about the roles of individuals and fulfilling your potentials. Notice that the word "potential" is plural, we have more than one potential. I think that education today is focused on producing good workers, not good people. It's all about specializing and focusing on a specific job in a specific field. The training provided created a person who is good at a job, and not necessarily a person who is well rounded enough to do multiple jobs. This can make it really hard to change your course of education in college. Focusing on school with one job in mind can almost ruin you if you discover that you're not happy with what you've been training for, you would have to be re-educated in a new specialty.

People aren't puzzle pieces created by society to fit into one specific role for the betterment of society. People are individuals with their own unique talents, interests and potentials. To live a satisfying life then, in my opinion, is to explore your potentials and grow in your talents. God saw fit to give you your aptitudes for a reason. Why not develop them to see what is right for you?

New Beginning

So I've decided to start using this blog. I don't know how long this new resolve will last, but I'm going to try. I'll probably just post small little updates most of the time, things I find interesting or some of my thoughts. I would'nt expect amazing things, but check back here now and then okay?

Thanks.

For now, there's a few quotes that I've come across lately that I'd like to share.

First is from Thomas Merton, a man who left normal life to become a Trappist monk in Kentucky and evidently wrote some pretty cool stuff. I want to pick up one or two of his books soon if possible.

"As long as you have to defend the imaginary self that you think is important, you will lose your peace of heart. As soon as you compare that shadow with the shadows of other people, you lose all joy, because you have begun to trade in unrealities, and there is no joy in things that do not exist."

This grabbed my attention because I think it points out something that I find myself doing too often. I think I have a sort of imaginary self that I think people see me as being, and sometimes if that image is in danger of being broken or altered in a way that I don't like, I get really defensive about it. But that image isn't really me, it's just what I want people to see. I'm realizing that there are very few times when I've felt like I've exposed myself as I truly am, without trying to uphold any false image of myself.

Here's another one from Thomas Merton:

"Many poets are not artists for the same reason that many religious men are not saints: they never succeed in being the particular poet or the particular monk they are intended to be by God. They never become the man or the artist who is called for by the circumstances of their individual lives.
They waste their years in vain effort to be some other poet, some other saint. For many absurd reasons, they are convinced that they are obliged to become somebody else who died two hundred years ago and who lived in circumstances utterly alien to their own.
They wear out their minds and bodies in a hopeless endeavor to have somebody else's experiences or write somebody else's poems or express somebody else's spirituality."

So yeah, this guy seems pretty cool to me.

I close this one with a short comment on today.

This morning, when I got out of the shower and had dressed in everything but my shirt, I saw myself in the mirror. To my surprise, I saw my heart beating in my chest. It was just there, pumping away beneath the skin. I just had to praise God because I'm alive. No matter how good or bad anything else is, I'm alive.