God is Good

yesterday was rough for me. a lot of the day was spent fighting with my own mind. how ridiculous is it that i can't trust myself? i can't even know or do what's best for me, and sometimes i do what is worse. i struggled, and prayed, and cried to God, and then i fell asleep. I woke up feeling slightly empty inside, but better than before i slept.

today was my philosophy midterm. i hardly studied for it. i made myself study some before bed last night, but i was allowed to write anything i wanted for notes on one piece of paper and i hardly wrote anything at all. i got to class early to get some extra studying in. i open my book and start reading the things i know least about, when i come across two quotes on the same page that apply directly to me and what's been on my mind. the first one is from Rene Descartes, who is a philosopher i used to know very little about and now i have much more respect for. he said:

"It must always be recollected, however, that possibly I deceive myself, and that what I take to be gold and diamonds is perhaps no more than copper or glass."

this goes right along with what i had been thinking not 20 minutes beforehand as i was walking to class. i can't trust myself in everything. if i can't trust myself, who can i trust? God is the only constant.
the other quote was from Thomas Merton. Thomas Merton! The man i'm reading about and respect so much. It was such a joy to find this quote and then to also find that it was from him. He said:

"What is important is not liberation from the body but liberation from the mind. We are not entangled in our own body, but entangled in our own mind."

ain't it the truth. i've been wrestling with myself for the past few days, and it's all in my head. it's all in the way i've been thinking, the way my mind has been working. finally and thankfully i've decided to be free of it. God willing, i'll succeed.

I was fairly worried about the test today. Like i said, i didn't study much. i love the class though and i wanted to do well. we had 3 essay questions picked by the teacher out of a possible 10 he gave us on a review sheet. what a miraculous blessing it was when i found out which ones he picked. the first was on Plato and his views on democracy, which is one of the very few things i reviewed the night before. the other was on Stoicism, which i hadn't reviewed but i really was interested in so i took the time to learn it. the last essay was on Thomas Aquinas and his solution to the problem of evil. they covered that in class while i was in california, and thankfully that was the last thing i read before i went to sleep, and read it so in depth that i stayed up later than i intended. i'm not even concerned with what grade i'm going to get on that test. i was very happy with the answers i gave and i feel great about it all.

yesterday i had prayed multiple times for God to be close to me and to show me His will in ways that I'll understand. just this morning alone has shown me that i'm on the right path and that i'm not alone.

Thank God for life. life and all that comes with it, hard and easy, sorrow and joy, chained and free.