freedom and life presently

listening to: Drop Dead, Gorgeous - It's Pretty Hard to Beat the King

embrace me, not as the brother i am
but as the lover i used to be
and start me on the spiral of dreams,
i'll hold onto the sides of the slide
and fight to stay afloat

treading water, i collect these stones
i leave them in my pockets and treasure them like bones
it's only when i'm spluttering and gasping for breath above the waves
that i'll let them go, one at a time until i'm just high enough to breathe
then it's back to collecting.


i feel like i'm really free now. i write these things not from feelings but from thoughts. i can write not because it's how i am on the inside, but just from whatever i want to think about. i realized what i've been holding onto, and it's not a person but an idea.
and i'm sorry if you ever read the lines on these pages and see through them. don't take it personally, it's not you i'm writing about, it's the idea of you. it's what you represent, and memories are what i have to reference that representation.

oh, it feels so good to have come this far now, to finally have got here.
i feel like my thoughts today have just been all around good. brains, yum.

got a lot accomplished today. finished getting video from JCS, i don't think i'll need to do any more shooting over there. came home, organized the footage and put together a demo for the duffy documentary. while i sifted through the video i also read some material off this sweet C.S. Lewis blog that I found one day. if you're interested, the address is http://booksbycslewis.blogspot.com/
then i suddenly discovered that i HAD to take the last test for my business law class today or i wouldn't be able to take it at all. i rushed off to the library to watch what i thought was my last telecourse video. it turns out that the last skips a bunch of chapters and just covers stuff at the end of the book. i think i watched 2 videos of worthless material that wasn't on the test. 2 hours wasted... whoops. so i watched 2 chapters of material, and then used the study guide to learn 2 or 3 other chapters, but that still left 2 or 3 chapters that i knew nothing about. but i took the test anyway. but before i went to take the test, moxie(bless her heart) called me and told me that i needed to come to class (which i was going to come to, just late) now or my grade was getting marked as an F because i wasn't there to show my project. so i ran over there and now i have an A in the class.

business law test went a little rough, but it's done now, and i'm sure i passed the class, so i'm satisfied. i came home and have been studying philosophy pretty much since then. and it's been good studying too, i feel like i'm understanding things much better than when we first went over them. i'm pretty confident about the exam. too bad it's at 8am though, gross. haha.

i don't have to have the JCS video done for finals week! this is a nice weight off my workload. i just need to make sure i can get the interviews with duffy done and i also have to tape my own video which will be done in the house. finishing touches on my game also have to be made. can't wait to be finished!

so tonight i feel that life is lovely.

and to close, while at JCS the other day i saw a hawk of some sort fly nearby with a squirrel in its talons. i tried to get close to the bird to take a picture but it flew off long before i got remotely close. but it left the squirrel....

haha. poor squirrel. it's the circle of life. the path unwinding.

also in closing, i like La Dispute, especially the lyrical arrangement. it's cool. i really need to see them in concert, i've missed out too many times.

love and peace yo.

birthday

i just today realized that my birthday isn't so far away. just a bit over a month.

i think if i'm asked what i want, any/all C.S. Lewis books will be on my list.
can't get enough.

slacker. sort of.

i've been slacking on blog posting lately, but not much else.

this is quite a busy week for me.
i spent this morning-afternoon out at Jenison Christian School shooting video for the short promo video i'm making for them. we got a lot done today, but i'm still going out there tomorrow morning to get some more interview stuff as well as clips from classes. after that i'll be trying to finish up my game for flash class. i'm nearly done with it, just need a few more things added.
thursday i have my philosophy exam bright and early at 8 am. i need to be studying for that over the next two days. i'll also be taking my final business law test, so that will be two classes done in one day. friday... i dunno, i'll work until 5:30 and then maybe i'll try to get duffy interviews done. i need to send an email or something out about that.
next week is my last week of classes. i'm going to need to have 2 (maybe 3) videos done. i think it's doable, but will probably be pretty intense. basically i just have to keep working on stuff every day.

i can't wait for the semester to be over. internship work will start right after classes finish and i'm looking forward to that. because of an idea given to me by AJ, i'm going to be having a Sabbath day this summer. I'm declaring Tuesday my Sabbath, where I refrain from work. I will only be doing things that are enjoyable and relaxing as well as spending time with family/friends when possible. It will be my day off, and I think I'm going to love it.

For now, I'm going to go grab myself some late lunch and then get to work reviewing the video I got today. I'll probably be homeworking up until His House.

Life is good. Love is around. Happy.

The Fall of Troy

listening to: nothing, i've done enough listening for tonight XD

the concert was SOOO GOOOD.

didn't hear much of Tera Melos. they were kinda... iffy.

nick spotted thomas sitting at the bar so we went and talked to him a bit. i shook his hand and told him he was my guitar hero. i was satisfied.

Foxy Shazam was just as interesting as you would think from their name. Singer was really entertaining. I think the keyboardist was a wizard, he looked like one. I asked him and he said he wasn't but somebody else had asked him almost the same thing that night. At one point in the show the "wizard" was on his hands and knees in front of the singer's mic. The singer pretended to play piano on his back while singing quite the elaborate rendition of the theme song from The Fresh Prince of Bel-air. it was epic. The singer also took his knocked over mic stand and pretended like the bottom of it was a steering wheel and he was driving a car. nice.

The Dear Hunter was so so. I wasn't interested in them and i'm not any more interested now. Thomas came out and played guitar with them for a bit, but i spent most of the time wishing they were done so tfot could play.

The fall of troy was super awesome. Almost every one of their songs had a different intro, ending or middle part to it than what is on the cd. Thomas played things that give me solid reason to believe that he could beat john mayer in a blues style guitar battle. he can do anything, and it's all awesome.

i didn't get punched on purpose or anything, not that i know of at least. i wasn't the only one dancing, and i had a lot of fun getting my groove on in various ways. apparently some girl was trying to beat the snot out of a guy, but he was a good dodger. i didn't see it, but it sounded intense. after the show, a roadie threw out a set list into the crowd. i snatched it so fast that people were looking around wondering where it went. heh, it wasn't on the floor, it was in my hand and i was walking away. i got a shirt too. american apparel shirt, so nice.

i'm real tired though. i did take a beating and i'll be sore in the morning, but i'm cool with that.

first night playing with the drum set and we got the cops called on us. this is going to be sweet :)
we think it was the cancer neighbors though, who shouldn't be calling anything on us before the agreed time, 11pm on weeknights. it was only around 10:30 at the time of the call. oh well, we're fine.

is that it? it might be. i'm going to make it be cuz i'm sleepy.
night.

in and out

listening to: The Fall of Troy - I Just Got This Symphony Goin'

today started off grandly. it ended grandly too, but i'm tired right now.

need to read a bit of philosophy before i drift off though.

had a great chat with aj today. dynamite guy. talked about some things that i don't really usually talk about in any kind of detail, it's good to have some one that asks.

went to class, was decently productive. i have to have my game finished by the next week, that shouldn't be a problem. philosophy exam is next thursday and i need to take my last business law test that day too. school is wrapping up. i think i'm going to find myself buried in my final projects soon. 3 videos to make. one game to make. well, actually 2 videos to have done by school ending. the video for Jenison Christian Schools won't be graded. i just have to be working on something until the end of class to get a good grade, which i was told i don't need to worry about.

speaking of JCS. i've been having real meetings with a real client and i'm making a real video that's going to be shown to real people and make a real difference. You would be proud of me, doing these grown up kinds of things. The last meeting i had was without any help, before that my teacher/adviser was there to aid me. But he forgot and i did it myself and i did it good. i can handle things if i need to, or decide to. i'm perfectly capable.

the fall of troy is tomorrow. it's going to be so epic. so so epic.
i can't wait. twill be fantastic!
goodnight dearests.

*drool*

listening to: The Fall of Troy - The Vomiting Winter

buy this guitar for me and i'll love you, your ancestors, and all your children to come forever.

soon, quite soon, i think i'll be having a change of.... something. mind? thoughts? being?
i dunno, a change. i felt it at hh tonight, things connected for me, words and feelings went together and spoke to what's been going on in my head. i prayed for it and i feel like there's going to be results. the semester is ending, summer is dead ahead, i'd love to start it off being at peace, with a free mind.

can't wait.

also, i can't wait until thursday. thomas erak, we shall meet again. you are my guitar hero.

me and myself

listening to: The Devil Wears Prada - Don't Dink and Drance

what a nightmare it would be for me to date someone just like me.

i know my faults that drive me crazy when i see them in other people, imagine if they were all thrown into one person that i hung out with all the time.
it wouldn't happen, because i wouldn't hang out with them/me.
oh yes, i would oppose them like a magnet.
it's good to know these things.

some short thoughts:

no matter what i "plan" on writing about, i usually don't remember to write about.
planning doesn't work well in this case.
the sun was shining like... all day, and it was beautiful.
the fall of troy is thursday. (!)
thrice still is amazing awesome cool.

told you it was short. cya.

The Elements Speak

At the end of each volume of The Alchemy Index there is a song written from the perspective of the element represented in that volume. Once I realized this, my mind exploded.
and Dustin Kensrue is forever my hero. now i can't believe that i got to talk to him face to face about guitars and video games. what an awesome soul.

Fire: The Flame Deluge

I feel that I was meant for something more;
My curse, this awful power to unmake.
And ever since you found your taste for war,
You forced me onto those whose life you'd take.

While Guernica in peaceful valley lay,
And Dresden dreamed of anything but death,
The day was turned to night, and night to day;
You let me loose upon their fragile flesh.

And so I hid among the smallest things;
You found me there and ferried me above.
The flame deluge is waiting in the wings;
The smallest thread holds back the second flood.

And who will stand to greet the blinding light;
It's lonely when there's no one left to fight.

Water: Kings Upon the Main

This lesson you'd do well not to forget
Your life could be the one it's wisdom saves,
At sea, when you're beleaguered and beset,
On every side by strife of wind and waves.

Despite the best of maps and the bravest men,
For all their mighty names and massive forms,
There'll never be andthere has never been
A ship or fleet secure against the storms.

When kings upon the main have clung to pride,
And held themselves to masters of the sea,
I've held them down beneath the crushing tide
Till they have learned that no one masters me.

But grace can still be found within the gale;
With fear and reverence, raise your ragged sail.

Wind: Silver Wings

From tender years you took me for granted,
But still I deigned to wander through your lungs.
While you were sleeping soundly in your bed,
(Your drapes were silver wings, your shutters flung)

I drew the poison from the summer's sting,
And eased the fire out of your fevered skin.
I moved in you and stirred your soul to sing;
And if you'd let me I would move again.

I've danced 'tween sunlit strands of lover's hair;
Helped form the final words before your death.
I've pitied you and plied your sails with air;
Gave blessing when you rose upon my breath.

And after all off this I am amazed,
That I am cursed far more than I am praised.

Earth: Child of Dust

Dear prodigal you are my son and I
Supplied you not your spirit, but your shape.
All Eden's wealth arrayed before your eyes;
I fathomed not you wanted to escape.

And though I only ever gave you love,
Like every child you've chosen to rebel.
Uprooted flow'rs and filled the holes with blood;
Ask not for whom they toll, the solemn bells.

A child of dust, to mother now return;
For every seed must die before it grows.
And though above the world may toil and turn,
No prying spades will find you here below.

Now safe beneath their wisdom and their feet
Here I will teach you truly how to sleep.

meandering mind

listening to: Thrice - Moving Mountains

i'm so addicted to the new thrice album. i gave it to lauren to borrow and i can't wait until i have it back tuesday so i can listen to it more. luckily i have it on my computer.

today i wrote about half of a song. 2 verses, long verses. a short bridge also. it looks like it's going to be pretty intense. it's about the sky, the ocean and the earth. i'm picturing a lot of instrumental-ness. the feel for the song was quite influenced by Thrice's "the earth isn't humming" which is a cover of a band called Frodus. i want to look them up now.

k i just looked up frodus on youtube and found the original song that thrice covered. the singer sounds a LOT like Dustin used to on older thrice albums. i like the thrice version of the song better, more soul. i was so amazed today when i realized something about The Alchemy Index. at the end of each disc there is a song. that seems obvious right? but. each song at the end is lyrically written from the standpoint of that element. like, the Fire one talks about war and using fire for evil. I realized all this while listening to "child of dust" the last song on the earth cd. I was thinking about the meaning of the first two lines "dear prodigal you are my son and i, supplied you not with spirit but with shape." I was trying to fit God into it, because i thought it fit, but i was wondering how God would not supply with spirit. but then i realized it's about a child "of the dust," man was formed from the Earth. God gave spirit, shape was from the Earth. wow i love Dustin Kenrue, he is my hero hands down.

but yeah, if i finish the song i started today it's going to be pretty sweet. the ending i think will be a little.... maniacal. everybody goes a little crazy sometimes.

hmm. here's some lines i came up with while driving home.

i don't subscribe to depression
but i'm known to be prone to obsession
and i'm afraid that i might learn a lesson
to use an expression;
"the two go hand in hand"

that's all. goodnight.

deep feeling

as i drove home, i listened to the Thrice Earth cd. i think it may be my favorite of the four.

as i listened to the last song, "child of dust" it got to the final lines where the music gets muffled and you can hear sounds that make it seem like the song is getting buried deeper in the earth.

my soul shook when those last lines came in. my eyes were filled with water and i had to sing, to shout, to make noise.

"Now safe beneath their wisdom and their feet
Here I will teach you truly how to sleep"

it's awesome. you all, everyone, should listen to Thrice.

Thrice is so good

Listening to: Thrice - The Alchemy Index Volumes III & IV

i was going to write about something else, but then i started listening to Thrice's newly released volumes of The Alchemy Index.

Thrice. is. so. good.

These aren't just songs, they're new worlds to be explored. The lyrics are so good.

Thrice constantly reminds me why it is my favorite band. They've come so far from what they used to be. It's almost sad to say that if I hadn't been following this band for so long, I probably wouldn't like this album if I had just come across it by chance. but i know it's majesty, so it's all good.

I have yet to buy the cd, i haven't had money until today. nick gave me the copy he bought so i'm listening to it. it's just so magnificent. The styles are so sweet.

The song "digging my own grave" just gave me chills. those female vocals thrown in there really hit the spot.

just... all a great listen. i'm going to enjoy all these songs over and over for a while. i can't wait.

the reach of science

listening to: Thrice - The Abolition of Man

i love philosophy.

Our trust and belief in science is interesting. Some think it can, does and will give us the answers of our world. Scientism (please don't confuse with scientology) wasn't always so prominent, mainly because science itself hasn't always been around as it is today. Once science and the scientific method showed us the potential it had for gaining knowledge, we devoted ourselves to it. We looked to it for understanding and answers, answers for everything. We ask science to give us meaning and purpose, but that's wrong.

Science is based on the scientific method and the controlled experiment. You have a hypothesis and you test it under varying conditions to come to conclusions. The thing about control though is that we cannot control everything. The realm of science is therefore limited only to things that we as humans can control, and we can only control what is under us, inferior to us. Science leaves no room for something greater than we are. This is why science and religion clash. Science can provide no meaning for life or reason to live (other than perhaps living for the sole purpose of continuing the species). Science can't quantify, control or prove religious experiences, so they end up opposing each other. We ask science to give us meaning, but it's out of the scope of science to do that. If we are to have a meaning for our lives, it has to be something that is greater than ourselves. Science holds no ground with things beyond us as humans.

The more we comprehend our world (understand via science) the more meaningless it becomes to us. The greater faith we put in science to give us all the answers, the more disillusioned we'll become when science can't give us those answers. When the only source we trust for knowledge can't give us the knowledge, we'll assume that there is no meaning to the things we don't have answers for. Mainly, science can't give a meaning to life, so we'll end up concluding that there is no meaning.

I believe science is approaching the ultimate extent of its reach. I don't mean to say that I don't think we can get much more technologically advanced than we are now, but science has been reaching into the realm of humanity, what it means to be human. I'm talking about robots, artificial intelligence. We're attempting to create man from machine. When we make that robot that is as fully "human" as we can create, I think we'll soon find out just what it is that makes us truly human, and it will be more than we could ever instill in anything by our own hands.

Science and religion are opposed to each other only because we believe that science can answer the same questions that religion can, but that is overstepping the bounds of science. We can gain no meaning, only information from science. It's not the scientist's fault, we as a society, as a world expected too much from something that is limited only to what is beneath us. There's more to being human than chemical reactions.

"The Abolition of Man is within,
the reach of science,
but are we so far gone that we'll try it?"
-Thrice - The Abolition of Man-

Wake up, everyone,
It's not too late,
To save the remnants of our hearts,
So stop giving up,
Our last shot at love;
Our only chance to find the meaning of,
The beat beneath the blood.

We laugh at honor and are shocked when,
We find knives in our backs;
We follow those who cheat and steal.
Look, in my eyes,
You won't find your way back;
Our only compass smashed under,
Our own heels.

Reason abandoned to appetites,
And addicts’ arms.
Shotguns and silence,
Have always been the best of charms.
…
The Abolition Of Man is within,
The reach of science,
But are we so far gone that we'll try it

-----------------
the video also has Deadbolt in it, the first song ever heard by Thrice, and one of my very favorites to this day.

defense

listening to: Machinae Supremacy - I Turn to You (cover of somebody else's song)

hm... i had a pretty good idea of what i wanted to write about tonight, but i forgot what it was...
but that's ok, because i've had something else in mind to write for a while but i never got to writing it. here goes.

i've been playing soccer for a long time. like... 12 years or so maybe? i'd like to say since i was 7, but i don't remember exactly. but for almost all of my soccer career, i've played goalie. i love it, it suits me, i'm dece at it. i composed a sort of analysis of my personality by using my style as a goalie and an analogy.

so first of all, i am defensive. a goalie is the last line of defense. a goalie isn't running around out in the field "getting things done" but he is there when you need him to be. i am not a person who always aims to "get things done." i'm not one to go chasing things, but when you need me i am there dependably. a goalie knows when to come out and attack and when to stay home, similarly, i can get things accomplished when i know it's what i have to do, but i also know how to sit back and wait for things to unfold.

that describes a keeper in general, but me with my own faults and quirks makes things different at times. there are times when i'll come out from between the posts to challenge an attacking player, but when he goes to take the shot i'll flinch. this will typically result in something unfavorable, like them scoring. and i'll be super mad at myself for it. i do this in life, i'll step out of my usual "place" and make a move towards doing something, but i won't follow through. i'll flinch at the last second and miss the opportunity. it's funny though, in life and in soccer both i've found that when i stand my ground and take the hit as necessary, it doesn't hurt nearly as much as i was afraid it was going to.
when there's more feeling in it, more intensity, i'll do more, do better. it's almost only when i get angry in soccer that i'll start playing aggressively and really putting pressure on the other team when they try to shoot. it takes emotional investment for me to be more serious. same in life, if there's no passion in things i will typically just float along and take things slow, as they come. but when there's a fire in me about something, i'm willing to do more, try more, chase after what it is that i want.
reflexes. i depend on them tremendously. i've got good reflexes as a goalie. in indoor soccer reflexes are almost the only thing i have going for me, everything happens at a faster pace. all i can do is position myself in the right place and hope i'm fast enough to stop what comes my way. i use my "reflexes" in life a lot too. i'll set myself up in a position and then wait for things to happen, taking them as they come. i react to things more than i act on them. and it works out pretty good.

explained well? probably not. but it's for my brain's organization, probably not yours.

here's a video of a song that just came up on my random playlist. i looked up the words and liked them. and plus.... it's TDWP, they rawk. i remember what i was originally going to post about, i'll save it for another night. note to self: consequences and friends changing.



The Devil Wears Prada - Texas is South

Good evening, miss.
All I ever do is wish things were different.
This envy is destroying me,
and it is obvious.
I'm looking to put a bullet into the tile floor. Mark this.
I want to say something:
We were blessed, but now I wet my lips and wait for them to dry.
The lust of the dress.
The thought of her lips.
Reverent smile.
These letters I've wrote are shackled to my chest.
Her tantalization.
She is misconception.
Good evening, miss
----------

memory vs reality

listening to: The Pillows - Runner's High

imperfect memory + my imagination = a skewed view.

when this view comes face to face with your reality, the falseness crumble and i'm left with a feeling that everything really is sane and makes sense. but i'm still mad. mad as in crazy.


i'm so sleepy.

fading lines

listening to: Portugal The Man - House (horse?) Warming Party

once i drew this picture of a flower.
it was a pretty good picture, i thought.
i don't remember why i drew it.
but it was pretty good.
and i'm looking at it,
and i miss the moon shining in,
the cowboy singing to the cat while leaning on the barn.
a hole in the sky, a tower standing in front of the sun.
i lied, it stood before the moon.

"i want to be able to express myself. that's what i want in my life. i want to make video games, write the stories for them or something. i'm not good at art, but i'm going to college for computer animation. this doesn't seem right. i would like to be a musician too. play in a band, write songs. i'm not a good singer though, so i probably couldn't sing my own songs. i need to find a way to do what i want. i'm sure that i'll have support in whatever i do."
-quoted from high school.

"the tears can't put out the fire in her eyes,
the fire can't dry the water"
-also high school

"A face refracted
reflecting pain
it's empathy
makes it the same"
-i always wanted to explain this poem to somebody. "a face refracted" :tears blur your vision, the light is refracted through the water, looking at a face, the image is distorted. "reflecting pain" :the face is showing the same pain back. "it's empathy" :the face understands. "makes it the same" :the face feels for the other and is there for it.

i forgot i wrote that haiku in this notebook. the times have passed.

my apologies. this has just been rugged undulations of the psyche.
"ambitious, musical, rugged undulations of the psyche."

i take back that apology, because i can.

you said, it was a little of something else

Listening to: The Fall of Troy - Mouths Like Sidewinder Missiles

i love the name of that song, mouths like sidewinder missiles. it's so cool. it's like a statement in itself. you've got a mouth like a sidewinder missile baby. i want thomas' skillz!



so i believe i have come down with a cold. i suspected it was coming yesterday, i sneezed and i was worried sickness was on the way. stupid work. i'm pretty sure this is because i was out on carts for almost 2 hours in the cold rain. lamesauce.

today was good, tiring as sunday's usually are. i stayed up too late last night, like i usually do before sunday. practice went good, church service went good. after church i gave a short little guitar lesson to a 6 year old at church, his mom had asked me to. he was surprisingly smarter about it than i expected, he was able to teach to caleb what i taught him, i was impressed. a short attention span though equaled a short lesson, but it went pretty good. his mom insisted on paying me for it even though i said it was nothing. she handed me a rolled up bill which i put in my pocket. later when i looked at it, i discovered it was a 20. that's far far faaar more than i'm worth as a guitar instructor. especially for such a short lesson. but his mom said that it was the longest he's sat still in forever, so that's cool. kids are cool. i hear he draws pictures of me with my guitar during church, cute.

band practice was coolio. i love band practice time. we are totally playing my rewritten version of Say It Ain't So on tuesday, and i'm pretty much super excited. i want to bust out thomas-like guitar skillz on it. i'm doing his version of the guitar solo, which is decidedly cooler. love love love guitar. i wish i didn't have this small hole in my finger though, it keeps getting caught on my strings. i need to band-aid it or glue it or something.

i worked on writing a song while on carts today at work. there's something about being out there during that daylight that makes me write stuff. i've written at least like 3 songs while at work. maybe i'm like, conditioned to lyric writing while i'm pushing carts. but what i was writing today is decidedly emo-ish. not whiny though, at least not in my mind. whiny is the stuff i despise. i write stuff that makes me sound sad. i'm not sad though. maybe writing things like this is what keeps me from being sad about it. getting it out in words, in verse, helps. sometimes i really don't like posting words without being able to speak/sing them. they work so much better when you hear them how they were intended to sound. so i won't post them, maybe if the song gets finished. i leave too many songs unfinished.

i intend to get a decent amount of sleep tonight, so that means now is bedtime. tomorrow is work and portugal the man concert! and we'll see if minus the bear is good. peace out bros and sisses.

late nights

i think i'm going to start out posts with a "listening to" section, because i feel like it.

Listening to:
Foxy Shazam - their myspace tunes

my posting consistency has dropped a bit. i've been staying up late and by the time i come up to my room i'm far to tired to write anything. i think this is ok, because i'm spending time with people instead of the computer screen.

today was a lot of fun. work went well, cept maybe for being on carts and getting wet, but that wasn't so bad. the bowling party after work was very entertaining. josh cina came with me and it was chill times. he left early and i hung around/bowled with people until right around midnight. then we went to steak n shake. i got the leftovers of a cookiesncream shake and a strawnana shake. they weren't even bad when combined together. i should hang out with work friends more often, they're pretty cool.

i am too smart for my own enjoyment. enjoyment of fruitless things. things like "chasing girls."
i am so rarely affectionate/flirty toward any girl. it's because i know there's generally no point to it, just reaching for what you want from another person. i have a want to do it though, to recieve affection in return, but i know that it's not smart. so i miss out on that. if i could choose though, i would choose this knowledge over the "enjoyment" of the moment.

will i only find what i want when i'm no longer wanting and looking for it anymore? it seems like that's what happened last time. ah well, the future is unknown, and i can be ok with that.

we will cling to and return to what is familiar to us, what feels safe. even if it's not good. even if we know it's not good. it's the addiction of it. things can be horrible, but then you come across that one bright moment and that's enough to keep you around until the next bright spot, however far away it may be. i did it far too much in the past. i feel like i could "put up" with almost anything. too much. addiction. it's sad to see it happen to somebody else.

"how long can i string you along,
how little of myself can i give,
and still make you believe i care"

haha, old song. but whether it's intentional or not, that's how it is. you're being taken from. you feel like you're giving, but it's taken. you receive only enough to keep you from really realizing what you're putting yourself through. some day you'll wake up, i know it, whether on your own or from being forced to. until then, i am sorry for you dear friend.

rant done. i'm tired. sleepy times.

sore and... sore

i danced, i screamed, i bled, and there will be bruises in the morning.
it was an AWESOME concert. TDWP is so good. such good guys.
and my jaw hurts. elbow vs jaw and elbow won i think.
though, kid's head vs my belt and hip bone, i think the kid lost. metal stud belt ftw!

i don't feel like recapping the day, but it was good, rest assured.

and as for today, 2am:

i'm hiding one last smile...
walking one last mile...
trying to look certain
while facing one last trial.


adieu. or however that goes.

dream a dream

so i can tell that my brain has been working a lot lately because i've been having dreams and i remember them.

last night's dream was pretty cool. i was in a house with a lot of floors in it. there were ladders going up to the ceiling all over the place, and on the ceiling there were secret entrances to spaces inbetween the floors. in the secret places the walls were all padded and it was like a fort. it was fun exploring there. i think there was some small element of fear in it, like there could be a monster/ghost/bad guy in there somewhere too, but i don't remember being too afraid. west was in it for a little while. i guess i thought i remembered more of the dream than i can describe. heh, it was a good one though.

the dream i had a night or two before was much less pleasant. she was with me again, appeared to want me again, in that way. it felt weird, like... not quite right. it was a dream after all. but then he showed up. he showed up and she left for him. why did my mind make that dream? it wasn't being nice to itself. i think that the worst day ever would be the day where in the same 24 hour period i was loved and then that love was given to somebody else. that would be absolutely terrible.

but that was just a dream and i'm over it. i'm feeling good.

before i went to bed last night, i checked my bank account online. suddenly i noticed a bunch of negative balances going back into earlier this month. i almost panicked! there was no way i wouldn't have noticed going in the red, i check my balance pretty often. i was worried because it said i only had about $50 left and the $300 rent check hadn't gone through yet. i was looking through my account over the last month or two and i couldn't see where there had been a problem, but i knew that it couldn't be right. so i went to bed praying that there had been a mistake with the bank or their internet stuff and that in the morning it would be sorted out.
sure enough, i woke up, checked my account again, and everything was fine. the rent check went through and i had exactly the 4 dollars and something that i thought i would have. i've been just scraping by on money these past 2 months or so, but i'm ok with it. once i get my tax refund, which should hit my account on the 18th i believe, things will be fine and dandy. i'll buy guitar stuff and i'll buy groceries and... who knows what else. a synth! yeah yeah.

delightful. so this is the morning so far, things are good today. going to The Devil Wears Prada concert if it's not sold out. if it IS sold out, i'm still going to try to get them to let me in to buy a shirt. but i SO hope that if i get in that the will play and maybe finish up by like... quarter to 9. i've got a soccer game at 9:10 that i don't want to miss either. we shall see.

peace out for now.

passion

"Let others complain that the age is wicked; my complaint is that it is wretched, for it lacks passion. Men's thoughts are thin and flimsy like lace, they are themselves pitiable like lacemakers. The thoughts of their hearts are too paltry to be sinful. For a worm it might be regarded as a sin to harbor such thoughts, but not for a being made in the image of God. Their lusts are dull and sluggish, their passions sleepy. They do their duty, these shopkeeping souls, but they clip the coin a trifle...; they think that even if the Lord keeps ever so careful a set of books, they may still cheat Him a little. Out upon them! This is the reason my soul always turns back to the Old Testament and to Shakespeare. I feel that those who speak there are at least human beings: they hate, they love, they murder their enemies, and curse their descendants throughout all generations, they sin."
-Soren Kierkegaard.

i crave passion. what good is doing things if there is no drive, no desire, no passion in it? i want something to put my energy into, something that matters to me, something worth living and dying for. i find the idea of just merely living to be contemptible. i want something that matters to me so much, that I orbit around it, i'm drawn to it, I want to be one with it. it's hard for me to make God that thing. I want it to be physical, I want to experience it day by day, being able to touch it and smell it and really feel it. i want it to be a she. i want to make a her the center of my attention, seeing happiness in her because of what i have done. this is wrong for me for now though, there are so many reasons. but i still feel this void, this empty space. even in the happiest of moments, inside i still cry out, "but there could be more!"
that voice, that singing, it reminds me every time. you have no idea.

i could die any day, at any time at all. i could die before i finish writing this.
that's why i need to live, to really live.
i can't waste my time chasing after such incredibly insignificant things, like money. i'm not buying into the idea that i need to get a "real" job and try to become "successful" in the world's terms. my need is to express myself. i want to make, to create. music is a passion of mine, one that's been steadily growing. i won't ignore it, i need to cultivate it. once i graduate, i doubt i'm going to go looking for a job. i'm going to do what makes me happy and has meaning to me, and right now i think that's going to be making things of my own free will, springing from my free will. God has shown me time and time again that He is by my side, and I fully believe He will show me the plans that are laid out for me. I think this is the right direction to go.

if i can make it possible, money-wise, i would really love to just go somewhere. take a trip, i don't need a destination. bring my instruments, of course. i could just drive somewhere, stop where there's a town, meet people, do whatever. i'd write about it the whole way. i don't know if i would rather go alone or not. i don't know if anyone else would be willing or able to leave everything for a while like that. job, friends, family and whatever else. we'll see.

i'm out of steam for the night, callin' it quits.
peace.

some good thoughts (sleepy)

pictures from the lan party will probably be posted at a time when i feel like posting them.
:)
i'm unmotivated right now.

i just wrote a short philosophy paper. the guy we're covering next is Soren Kierkegaard. He seems really cool. A Christian guy from the 1800s. He was really focused on the individual person and how people are losing their individuality to the masses. I can agree with his view on things, especially in todays society. I'm not saying that I'm some kind of individual standing above the throng of the multitudes. I'd like to believe that, but I know that I do my own fare share of crowd following.

ugh i'm really tired right now so i don't know if my thoughts are clear.

one thing i was thinking though as I was reading stuff about Kierkegaard was the concept of "be yourself." It's important to ask yourself "who am I trying to be?" It's also important to realize that you probably shouldn't have an answer for that, because you shouldn't be trying to be anyone other than yourself, and being yourself isn't something that needs trying for.

If there is one thing that I'm always impressed with as I learn about new philosophers, it's that whether I agree with them or not, whether they are right or not, they always have a solid position that they stick to, and I typically can respect that. Although I'm not sure if it only seems that way to me because they are all long dead and cannot change their mind, their words and ideas are immortalized in text. But it's admirable that they had a conviction and stood by it, especially when it went against popular thinking at the time. Kierkegaard lamented the spread of mediocrity among people, how we level ourselves and others into similarities. "They're only human," covers the mistakes with an excuse. Why can't we have a passion for greatness (in a greatness of virtue/character sense) that makes us more than just what everybody else is, or consents to be? We can be more. You are not a slave to your desires or the desires of others. You can do what you will not what you want. You can use your will to choose a life contrary to what the masses create as a desire, a want in you.

i'm almost embarrassed to admit that throughout this philosophy class, almost every time we start a new chapter on a new philosopher or philosophical view, I am am always saying "a-ha! now this person had the right idea about things." but then we start the next chapter and I see the holes poked in their views by later philosophers, without the persecuted able to give any defense from the grave. If there is one thing I've realized, it's that no man has gotten things exactly right. For all our "wisdom" and "intelligence," we can't explain things in a way so that they can't be refuted in some shape or form. We are so obviously imperfect, with limited understanding.

As a final note, I think that modern day philosophers, or serious students of philosophy must be either very patient with or very annoyed with the numbers of people who know very little about philosophy but who fancy themselves a philosopher with all sorts of grand ideas about things. One starts reading about the great thinkers of the past and then one starts believing that they've got some ideas of their own and so they start quoting and proclaiming.
I would annoy myself if I were a separate person who was more learned in philosophy than me.

we know so little, yet we think we know so much. i'm guilty of this too.

boy i'm tired, i hope it didn't show. goodnight.

no sleep. no sleep at all.

i'm sitting here in indiana. at indiana university to be more exact.
i'm having a really great time, this is fun.

i've been here lanning since about 1 in the afternoon, and it's not almost 4:20am. i don't plan on sleeping. the drive home is going to be killer. hopefully not literally.

i bought Orange Box, and i'm currently participating in a team fortress 2 tournament. 8v8. we won our first round. i'm playing a medic and loving it. we had dota going earlier, but i'm not so hot at that and the team i was on got pitted against the toughest team here and we lost. there's been a CoD4 tournment and.... i think maybe another one so far. prizes have gone to the winning teams, and prizes have been raffled off as well. we've got smash bros and rock band on two large tvs here. i was banging on the drums with rock band for a bit, as well as playing guitar. this has definitely been worth the trip so far.

my dad called me today to ask me a couple tax questions. he gave me the good news that my tax return should be somewhere around $1500. notice the lack of a decimal point in that number. i could also write it as $1,500. that's nuts! i'm pretty excited about this. i'll be able to get my guitar pedal(s), a synth, and possibly set aside some of it to get a laptop later on, perhaps around my birthday.

i can't wait for band practice tomorrow. i love to play guitarrrrrrr.

anyway, i'm going to go back to the LAN. we'll see if i write anything tomorrow night after getting home. i might just fall into bed and forget everything.

i'm happy.
i wish facebook wouldn't tell me things i didn't want to know.
but i'm doing good. farewell.

untroubles and singalongs

so. things are going great. i like it.

i haven't done much deep thinking lately. in part because my mind hasn't been troubled really. that's nice.

today was sweet, i don't even feel the need to recap it. tomorrow i'm driving down to indiana for a lan war and chillin with some homies that i met at GDC. should be an awesome time! i can't wait.

today while driving home from work, i took my camcorder in the car with me. i turned it on, set it in the seat next to me, facing nothing. i then proceeded to blast The Fall of Troy and sing/scream along with it. this was just for my own personal use because i was curious as to what i sounded like screaming. to be honest, i think i was pretty dece at the screaming, which i was proud of. the rest.... well, i laughed. and so, i figured that i could give other people a laugh too by publishing this super awesome content on the internet.

if this gets a good response, maybe i'll do a series of these videos, where i just tape myself singing along (badly) to random songs while i'm driving. might as well do something productive with my driving time, other than driving that is.

but yeah. i don't exactly have all the words memorized to the songs i sang, which is quite obvious in the second one. that only makes it more funny. the end is really good though, if you don't stick around for it, at least skip to it. the end has better effect though if you watch it all the way through.

oh, the lulz.



if the video isn't up right away, it should be by morning. if it's not by the time i get up, i'll fix it when i wake.

peace.

splendid day

i woke to see the sun shining. i love that.

classes went well. i'm making slow progress on the flash game for Mark Kissler. but then again, i don't have the hard part to do so really i'm moving along just fine. sometime soon i'm going to have a meeting with some people from Jenison Christian Schools about helping them make a promotional video. i made a good jump in progress on my own flash game, i'm excited to continue working on it. my soccer game was much fun, i scored a goal! i stopped by home after the game and talked to my mom for a bit, then talked to west for a bit. both good talks, i love my family. maybe the most important thing about today is that from this point, my summer internship is a GO.
yeah! i'll be doing work for Giannii on a couple of his projects. fun! this is just another example of how blessed i really am in my life. so many great things for me have just fallen into my lap. all of my jobs before costco were basically offered to me, i didn't have to search them out. and with costco i just applied and sat around for a week and they called me. playing guitar at church wasn't my idea, i was asked to and it turned out to be one of the greatest happenings in my life. it was literally almost an accident that we ended up adopting 3 kids, all i did was mention an email i got from my aunt. even the path leading to this internship opportunity was crazy blessed. i met giannii last year in california because he knew a friend of a friend and he went to a party or two with us. i kept in contact with him online. i wouldn't have been able to go to cali again this year if it hadn't been for him offering his place for me to stay at, and Jo paid for my plane tickets.

if all of these things have just been "good luck" so far, then i think i would start panicking. if it was all just happening by chance, i have every reason to be afraid of when that luck is going to "run out." i'm glad i know and can rely on the fact that God's got my back. it's really quite nice.

soah... nothing awe inspiring or creatively cool to post tonight i think. but i will leave you with the funniest thing i've seen all day. it's a music video from Horse the Band, their song Lord Gold's Throne Room. if you're sensitive, i suggest avoiding listening to the words. but the singer "dancing" and other things in this video had me cracking up in class.



oh! and thanks to Emily for making me a paper tiger! it's much much more complicated than i thought it was going to be!

marching on

today went awesomely.

waking up went pretty well. got to class a little late, but class was good. i got home, and wrote a paper right away. that = productive. didn't have lunch with my cousin because she left her phone at home and i couldn't get a hold of her. another time. alex came by and we hung out with emo. talked about anime, music, watched youtube videos. good stuff.

then, the jamming.

so good! i love music. i love playing guitar. alex and i had some pretty dece jams going. i need to go learn how to play all of F.C.P. Remix and also maybe Ghostship part I. ghostship is kinda long though....
but anyway. lately i've been discovering the joys of delay and harmonics. ambient music ftw! delay is fun to play with, i never knew. this summer... i so want to play guitar like... all the time. i'm gonna try to make it happen. maybe i'll make a plan to learn one song a week or something. or something.

his house was fun. usually if i'm not playing the music i don't enjoy it as much, but i didn't feel like that today. it's good to hang out with those people, i like them. katie's surprise part was after that, fun stuff. had a good time just hanging out with people more out there. played a little wii sports. i beat adam twice at tennis and i won at bowling. i got 6 strikes in a row on wii bowling, that's a record for me. in case you didn't know, that's called a 6-pack. i was impressed, justin was maybe depressed that i won like that.

after the party alex and i went to burger king and got some food. the car in front of me was taking forever to get their food at the drive through. i had this great idea to turn up my music real loud, get out of the car, and start hardcore dancing outside. i was literally opening my door to get out when the car in front finally started to pull away. i was a little disappointed. then i saw adam and tyler come through and i ran out and hxc danced by their car until i was noticed. :)

came home. not knowing what to expect. emo and nick had been planning something to do to me for april fools. i look around carefully as i was walking up to the house. i opened the front door very slowly and quietly. i thought i might be able to sneak in without them noticing me. the door was open only a few inches before i saw something move a few feet inside the room and i slammed the door shut. but not before i heard the silly string. yep, they went for silly string again. i don't have any pictures now, but lets just say that they used about 3 cans on me. those guys... pictures another time. my camera battery died and i don't feel like getting the ones from emo that he took.

but as a mental recap, i want to remember that i am very happy with my brain's behavior this evening. anytime i started to think in a way that would have normally triggered emo-ish thoughts, it only took half a second for me to tell myself that it doesn't matter, and it's not something i need to care about anymore. and it worked, it worked really well. God is good.

in closing, i'm posting a video to a song i really like. this is the live version, if you want to better be able to hear what the song is like, there's a couple versions on youtube with just the music. it's called Cupid Missed His Mark, by a great Christian band named Burden of a Day. I want to see them again live, this time on a stage where they've got room to be awesome like they are. you get a much better sense of the energy they put into it by seeing it live.


Burden of a Day - Cupid Missed His Mark

Disenchanting and contagious, when we think we were in love
superfluous, disengaging, to think we were in love
pointless words, when it comes to push and shove
we're just kids in grown up bodies right?
i am right aren't i?
to think we were in love.

this love is a tie that binds, the noose around my neck
this love is a tie that binds, the noose around our neck
you created me to love so much deeper than that
please let me fall again, i'll never come back

we can fall, just one time
it still hurts, in rewind
you can heal, broken hearts
and replace, with spare parts

i keep my heart in my pocket, it's weighing my shirt down
bleeding through the fabric and bursting with the sound
what if my heart beats too fast?
i'm longing for your still small voice, your still small voice
veins bloom with blue, like roadmaps
we fell against, against our will
what if my capillaries just seem to lapse?
we fell against, against our will

honestly, honestly, would you say those things to me?

get on your horse and ride!
---------------------
i could go on and on about how i can make this relate to myself and situation. but i won't. i'm only letting myself be complainy about things for a little while. plus i'm doing so well that it would be a shame to let my own thoughts push me back voluntarily.

night.

warmth inside

today was real nice.

woke up, it was raining. i didn't really want to get out of bed, but i did, and went to work. work was pretty good, cept for doing carts out in the rain. but giannii sent me a text while i was working, asking if i was busy tonight. i texted back saying to call me anytime. then 10 minutes later my mind exploded with an amazing idea!
giannii has wanted me to help out with some really cool ideas he's got going. he needs some flash work done and maybe other things. i want to help, but i really dunno if i'm going to have much time to dedicate to the project, especially if i get an internship this summer. but wait... what if the internship WAS giannii's projects?! EPIPHANY! so yeah, i talked to giannii tonight, and i'm going to try to swing that as my internship. it would be cool! i would be doing real work that i actually wanted to do. such a good opportunity! we'll see if this works out, i hope so.

so that was good. i didn't do homework again today. i need to get myself organized. i'm really thinking i'm going to get a planner of some sort now. something i can physically write on and schedule times to do homework. i need to do that for myself.

rodd and jas' was fun. i did get some reading done over there. came home and emo and i watched the end of a movie in nicks room, then we watched nick play FFVII for a bit. we made the game more entertaining by adding "in bed" to the end of every line that any of the characters said. good times. i've been hanging out with nick and emo more lately and it's nice.

tomorrow looks pretty busy for me. class, then prolly lunch with my cousin, then hanging out with alex. his house as usual, then staying out there until whenever. things are looking good for me right now. i hope tomorrow isn't a stumble for me. but i am interested to test out my newly established and directed willpower. i've been doing pretty good with it so far.

the video of me playing/singing the song i wrote is up on youtube/facebook. i'll put the youtube video here. i was happy with how it turned out :)



there you have it. good times. love the fam.

i'm heading to bed. night kiddos.