passion

"Let others complain that the age is wicked; my complaint is that it is wretched, for it lacks passion. Men's thoughts are thin and flimsy like lace, they are themselves pitiable like lacemakers. The thoughts of their hearts are too paltry to be sinful. For a worm it might be regarded as a sin to harbor such thoughts, but not for a being made in the image of God. Their lusts are dull and sluggish, their passions sleepy. They do their duty, these shopkeeping souls, but they clip the coin a trifle...; they think that even if the Lord keeps ever so careful a set of books, they may still cheat Him a little. Out upon them! This is the reason my soul always turns back to the Old Testament and to Shakespeare. I feel that those who speak there are at least human beings: they hate, they love, they murder their enemies, and curse their descendants throughout all generations, they sin."
-Soren Kierkegaard.

i crave passion. what good is doing things if there is no drive, no desire, no passion in it? i want something to put my energy into, something that matters to me, something worth living and dying for. i find the idea of just merely living to be contemptible. i want something that matters to me so much, that I orbit around it, i'm drawn to it, I want to be one with it. it's hard for me to make God that thing. I want it to be physical, I want to experience it day by day, being able to touch it and smell it and really feel it. i want it to be a she. i want to make a her the center of my attention, seeing happiness in her because of what i have done. this is wrong for me for now though, there are so many reasons. but i still feel this void, this empty space. even in the happiest of moments, inside i still cry out, "but there could be more!"
that voice, that singing, it reminds me every time. you have no idea.

i could die any day, at any time at all. i could die before i finish writing this.
that's why i need to live, to really live.
i can't waste my time chasing after such incredibly insignificant things, like money. i'm not buying into the idea that i need to get a "real" job and try to become "successful" in the world's terms. my need is to express myself. i want to make, to create. music is a passion of mine, one that's been steadily growing. i won't ignore it, i need to cultivate it. once i graduate, i doubt i'm going to go looking for a job. i'm going to do what makes me happy and has meaning to me, and right now i think that's going to be making things of my own free will, springing from my free will. God has shown me time and time again that He is by my side, and I fully believe He will show me the plans that are laid out for me. I think this is the right direction to go.

if i can make it possible, money-wise, i would really love to just go somewhere. take a trip, i don't need a destination. bring my instruments, of course. i could just drive somewhere, stop where there's a town, meet people, do whatever. i'd write about it the whole way. i don't know if i would rather go alone or not. i don't know if anyone else would be willing or able to leave everything for a while like that. job, friends, family and whatever else. we'll see.

i'm out of steam for the night, callin' it quits.
peace.