late nights

i think i'm going to start out posts with a "listening to" section, because i feel like it.

Listening to:
Foxy Shazam - their myspace tunes

my posting consistency has dropped a bit. i've been staying up late and by the time i come up to my room i'm far to tired to write anything. i think this is ok, because i'm spending time with people instead of the computer screen.

today was a lot of fun. work went well, cept maybe for being on carts and getting wet, but that wasn't so bad. the bowling party after work was very entertaining. josh cina came with me and it was chill times. he left early and i hung around/bowled with people until right around midnight. then we went to steak n shake. i got the leftovers of a cookiesncream shake and a strawnana shake. they weren't even bad when combined together. i should hang out with work friends more often, they're pretty cool.

i am too smart for my own enjoyment. enjoyment of fruitless things. things like "chasing girls."
i am so rarely affectionate/flirty toward any girl. it's because i know there's generally no point to it, just reaching for what you want from another person. i have a want to do it though, to recieve affection in return, but i know that it's not smart. so i miss out on that. if i could choose though, i would choose this knowledge over the "enjoyment" of the moment.

will i only find what i want when i'm no longer wanting and looking for it anymore? it seems like that's what happened last time. ah well, the future is unknown, and i can be ok with that.

we will cling to and return to what is familiar to us, what feels safe. even if it's not good. even if we know it's not good. it's the addiction of it. things can be horrible, but then you come across that one bright moment and that's enough to keep you around until the next bright spot, however far away it may be. i did it far too much in the past. i feel like i could "put up" with almost anything. too much. addiction. it's sad to see it happen to somebody else.

"how long can i string you along,
how little of myself can i give,
and still make you believe i care"

haha, old song. but whether it's intentional or not, that's how it is. you're being taken from. you feel like you're giving, but it's taken. you receive only enough to keep you from really realizing what you're putting yourself through. some day you'll wake up, i know it, whether on your own or from being forced to. until then, i am sorry for you dear friend.

rant done. i'm tired. sleepy times.