stressed

listening to: Miyavi - Shoukyoto Sakujyo

rarely do i get stressed for long periods of time. i define "long periods of time" here as like... a whole day. if something is bothering me i usually feel better about it within hours. rarely do things really get me down.

today, i am stressed. it's making me crabby and largely unmotivated. what i'd really like to do is go someplace and just chill out for the rest of the night. away from my computer. i don't have anywhere to go though really and i have to be here for a meeting in an hour or so.

i had a talk with my mom today, and that's why i'm stressed.
i don't even know how to explain any of it. i don't feel like trying. i don't want her to feel it's all too far gone but i worry she's leaning that way. and she doesn't seem to have a problem with it.

the reason it's got me worked up has nothing to do with it's effect on me. it's that i feel heartbroken for my father. he wants nothing more than to do anything and everything possible to put things back together, fix it and be a family. be a better dad, husband and man of God. in reverse order there. he just wants to be a family and be allowed to be with all of us. but, the way my mom talks... she doesn't want it. and that kills me because i know how much my dad wants it all to be ok and whole.

my heart breaks when i think about how my dad must have felt about me moving out of the house. i didn't leave on bad terms or anything like that. i kind of just up and left. such a mixture of pride and sadness, seeing his son growing but having to let him leave to grow. he told me that for a while after i left he couldn't sleep well. he kept thinking that i'd be coming home soon, like i was just out for the night and he was going to stay up to see that i got back alright.

i love my family.
i don't want it to change like this.
i am in the middle, and it's not that i want to get out, i just wish there was something i knew i could do to help.

blah.
i feel a little better now.
writing can be helpful.

prayer please. not for me, for the family, my parents.
thanks.