before i go

listening to: Kaziers Orchestra - the songs on their myspace page

update on the situation.

talked to my dad for a while today.
he is practically at the end of his rope over this. he doesn't want to have to leave, he doesn't want to end this marriage, and everything in him believes that God is showing him that the marriage isn't supposed to end. he wants to fix everything, to try. he still has hope and faith.

my mother, sadly, i think does not share the same perspective.
i am worried in the worst way that she is purposely exaggerating and overreacting to this situation in order to have an excuse, a justification for what she has already set in motion plans to do. i need to talk to her. i don't think her faith is strong and real in this. i'm going to challenge her about it.

when my dad talks to me, it's about what he's been trying to do to make things better. he's been reading books, he tries treating my mom in different ways and he really tries to understand where she's coming from and what's going on in her head. when my mom talked to me, all i heard was her piling claims of things my dad has done and how everything is stressful to her and that she's prayed for God to change her heart but it hasn't happened. i'm wondering if that's all she has done has prayed for change without doing anything.

talking about some things with my dad paralleled some things i talk about with kelley yesterday. what it comes down to is that the relationship takes two people who really honestly want to work things out and to try and be committed. i know my dad is right there on this, his heart is with the family, his heart is with my mother, he loves her. my mom... i don't know where her heart is, but i intend to find out. and i'll call her out on things if i need to.

i'm learning things from this too. i will stand up for what i think is right.

i won't watch my family split without doing everything i can to help keep it together. and not just staying together for "staying together's" sake, but to heal and grow again.

so in the morning i'm going to court with my dad and i might be saying something before the judge. i'll be there for him because i think he's trying to do the right thing more than anyone else.

and i'm leaving for new york.
wow.

wet hair

i forgot that when i take a shower before going to bed, my hair is wet.
so i'm sitting with a fan blowing at my head for a little while before i try to sleep.


i really never thought these things would be happening to me.
i knew things weren't going the best, but i didn't know how close to worst they were.

i feel really distant from it all. i don't live at home. i don't have to see the day to day of it.

thank you, all of you who ask how i am and such. i appreciate it. i realize how important it is to not just act like a problem doesn't exist. i let myself be too awkward around tragedy, and it has kept me from being loving before.

only one person at work knows. even though she's a friend, and the fact that i told her about it means i trust her, i still didn't want to meet her eyes today. i felt like if i looked at her and she looked back, i'd suddenly somehow be exposed or something and i wouldn't handle it well. every one is so nice there at work, and if they all knew.... i think it would be too much. i don't think i could handle them all feeling sad on account of me. watching me walk past with that pitying "such a shame" look on their face. it would make me sad to see it.
but i talked to my friend. not about the situation at all, but about nothing in particular. i made it through the day. it's not so much that i don't want people to know what's going on, i just don't really want to be the one to say "hey, this is happening" and drop that bomb on them. beacause anybody that really does care about you is going to feel sadness for you in your sadness. i don't want to make anybody sad.

i'm going to new york with steve this week, i got it all straightened out with work today. i'm looking forward to it for sure.

and please, just let it be known. satan will gain nothing in me from this. nothing at all. my faith will not be shaken.

the earth may shake and everything in it, but my faith will still stand strong.

this will be the saddest thing i have ever written.
at least it is to me.
and sorry for the profanity, this is the kind of thing i save my expletives for.

i was at bill's place, watching a movie with steve+friend and jasonx2.
my brother west called me and started with "are you ready for this?"
my response to what he said was, "fuck."

over the next couple minutes he went on to tell me that my mom and dad came back from a wedding party, they had both been drinking and on the way home they were talking about "separating." there was arguing and all that wonderful stuff. they got in the house and at some point my mom got pushed and now my dad is spending the night in jail. the police were at the house as i was talking to west. he went on to tell me that things haven't been good lately, and he thinks he deals with is by just being sarcastic about things all the time, and he thought maybe that wasn't a good way to go about it. that hurt to hear that.

arif saw the push happen, reme saw my mom on the floor and my mom was yelling at her to call 911. instantly my dad tried to apologize and help her up, but it was too late. he made a mistake.

i left bill's house and went to my parent's. the police were still there. i noticed my dad in the back of the police car in the driveway, but i didn't look at him as i walked by, i couldn't. i'm sure he saw me, i wanted him to at least know that i was there to be with the family.

through tears my mom told me what happened. i held her hand as she explained to me how hard things have been and how she didn't want it to be this way and she broke down when she said that my dad was no longer her best friend, she wanted him to be but he wasn't anymore. i couldn't help but cry with her. i don't live at home anymore. i didn't know how bad it was. i just didn't know. i knew there was arguments but i never thought they would really separate. never.

my mom told arif that he could go to bed, but he said he couldn't sleep. he wanted to but he couldn't sleep. selvije was in bed but couldn't sleep either and she wanted to see me. i went and layed in her bed with her and just talked to her about her day and normal things. she's such a happy little kid, my youngest sister. she knew what happened and she still just wanted to talk to me, ask me questions about what i was doing, how work was and such. my eyes were full of tears while she just told me about everyday things. that little girl is so full of love and joy. i hope that doesn't change, ever.

reme wanted me to stay the night there, and i kind of felt like i should, but i wanted to leave.

i don't know what to call this feeling. it's like an intelligent emptiness. i undertand everything that's happening, but i don't understand what i'm feeling.

my poor brothers and sisters. i love them. i don't want them to hurt because of this. i don't want the three to think it's their fault.
my famliy is my heart and it's crumbling. i feel like i never should have moved out on them, that i made things harder by leaving. i don't know what is going to happen. it's not in my hands.

please pray for my family. i cannot make myself believe that this is how it was supposed to be. something went wrong.
God is still watching over me. i'm not worried for myself, i just want my family to be ok.

i didn't type anywhere near as many expletives as i thought were in my head. heh, that's good i suppose.

i smile on the inside and out

listening to: The Number Twelve Looks Like You - Clarissa Explains Cuntainment

lovely day. slept in. don't remember much of the morning, i may have done something useful. work went well. whittled away the last half hour or so of lot security by texting. good stuff.

after work i went and met up at yesterdog with David Boss, Rachel Pilfer, her boyfriend Dylan and some other of their friends. they were out here for a concert. it was good to see them again, good people, fun to hang out with. :)

there's this very nice lady named Karla who commented on a blog of mine once. she's got her own blog and she posts very insightful things about Christianity, which I read and enjoy. I figure more people should enjoy it. her blog is at Answer Bearer.
currently she's in a discussion with a wife/husband duo who are atheist. I'll be praying for Karla that she'll have the wisdom and words to express the truth as perfect as possible.

i really think that opposition to Christianity is needed if we are to continue seeking truth that is relevant to us in our world. to loosely quote C.S. Lewis, "good philosophy must exists if only to expose bad philosophy." if people were not outspoken about the thoughts their misguided/mistaken/erroneous philosophy produces, then we would not have responses to some doubts or thoughts that come up in our own minds, ones that we just leave up to mystery.

God is real. God is truth. I do not doubt that at all. I am a child of the King and I am loved, though undeserving. Faith really is why my life is as good as it is.

i'm always up too late XD
night.

oh what a night

listening to: Burden of a Day - It's Lonely at the Top (or so I've Heard)

yesterday was quite the day. more specifically, the night was quite the night.

the day was good though. good shift at work, i actually hung around talking to people for like a half hour after i was done working. what can i say? i work with cool people.

went to my parent's house then and hung out for a while with them, then went home to get my guitar/amp for practice at church. practice went well, but i'm going to need to actually practice some stuff here at home to make sure i play it right. i <3 guitar.

after that i went back to my parent's to pick up a tax form that i need to turn in to school. hung around for a little while again. before i left my dad gave me another kind of update on how things are going in the family. please pray for them, my mom and dad mostly. i know that things will turn out all right and they'll be taken care of, and my dad is trying hard to keep that in mind and trust God, but I think my mom is having a harder time of it. she just gets really stressed with everything.

after that it was off to Magoo's in wyoming. i think this is a stupid name for a bar/club but whatever. it was a work party for a guy who is retiring and for my friend who is leaving for London. i'm going to miss them both. Dave was so entertaining as my supervisor. he's just got his own attitude and way of doing things, it's quirky, somewhat eccentric and just plain fun. he gave me a lot of good advice too, like "Jarrod, don't get old. Things start going wrong with you and you have no idea why." he's going to go travel around the world some more though. Jerusalem, then Vietnam, then Hiking in California are his current plans. so cool. he travels a lot.
and Trisha! oh dear trisha... i'm going to miss her. she's one of my best friends at work. it's sad that i won't be seeing her for at least the next like 6 weeks. never before have a had a 34 year old granddaughter, and never will i have another. she's a real bright spot at work and i'll notice daily that she isn't there. farewell trish.

so while at this party, i was offered a drink twice by people who know alcohol much better than i do. so i accepted. the first one was Mike getting me an Irish Car Bomb. i believe it was guiness that you dropped Bailey's into. it was actually pretty good. i don't think it tasted bad at all. a while later Veronica offered to buy me a shot, she got me a Kamikaze. that was pretty tasty too. it was sweet with just a hint of bad tasting alcohol, but overall quite good indeed. alcohol redeemed itself to me last night.
and so i danced the night away and hung out with fun people. some were very entertaining with a few in them. i really like the place i work, i'm glad i'm there.

anyway, i need to go start my day.
cya later.

directions and dreams

listening to: Blink 182 - Feeling This

today was full of win.

started off with waking up by alarm clock and not going back to sleep despite the fact that i didn't actually have to get up. did some internetting (i just made up that verb) read a bunch of things on wikipedia about cryptozoology. check it out.

i got motivated enough to drive to my parents house and try to snag a bike. little did i know, i would be taking my own bike back with me. apparently Arif fixed the bike sometime within the last week. saweet! i hung out with my sisters and brother for a little while also because i love them.

got home, changed, and headed out on my bike to see how long it would take me to bike to work. it takes almost exactly 45 minutes if i'm going along at a decent pace. i figure if i leave an hour before i have to be at work, biking will be just fine. there are 3 things i learned all at once about halfway from my home to work.
1. My tires aren't properly inflated
2. I've had this bike since middle school, it's not the right size for me
3. The seat is not comfortable. at all.
so i stopped at a bike shop and got air in my tires, that made the first problem better. the other two stuck with me the rest of the ride.

so i rode to work, saw Courtney on the way there, that was pretty random. she was going to work to, but actually to do work, unlike me. i walked around costco for a while, distracting my fellow employees from their work. i like my coworkers. courtney convinced me to buy this multigrain bread that's 60 cents more for half the amount of the bread i usually get. it's pretty good stuff, but heavy in my stomach i think. well see if i keep getting it.

while on the bike trails i saw 2 deer, 2 beavers or woodchucks, i'm not sure, and 2 turkey-ish things with gobblers. pretty exciting. the first dear was standing on the bike trail when i rounded a turn. it saw me and jumped off into the woods. cool.

the "my bike seat is uncomfortable" issue only got worse on the ride back. by the end of the ride i was making little pained sounds every time i hit a small bump or hole. yeah, i'm dramatic. my butt was so sore! and it still hurts. trisha sad that should get better over time. we'll see. i'd like a new bike seat. jas suggested biking shorts. padded.

got back from the bike ride, then went to jam with alex, brian and zim. that was super fun! i even played drums for a little while. i like hitting the drums. maybe i'll have to practice them more. went to see the end of Ultimate after that, and then played hockey. a very active day for me.

chatted with Giannii for a good while. we're going to get things organized with this project stuff. i have a feeling productivity is about to rise substantially. i'm glad there's somebody like him to get this organized and in motion.

had a good talk with a friend tonight. more than one talk and more than one friend actually. i feel very.... free, from my own thoughts now. it's funny how easy it is when you just face things head on, as they are. all is well.

i am sad for nick that he keeps putting himself through what he's going through. he doesn't have to deal with it, and he shouldn't. i get angry at him about it but it's because he won't stop this cycle. he could be living such a more joy filled life. i know know know that him and his gf won't last forever. but the longer they stay together, the more time they spend being unsatisfied. i love nick, i'm just hoping and praying he gets his head on straight and does what he (and his friends) knows needs to be done.

since when is staying up until 3 am normal?
i've got work in the morning. i need to be sleeeeeping.
goodnight.

super awesome day

listening to: lots of Blink 182 in my head

super fantastic awesome day today.

in the morning, watched some Home Movies, played some Half-Life, read some Bible, contemplated going for a run but didn't actually run. i stretched some though.
there's some interesting stuff in Romans 2. that's what i read today.

then tyler came over. he and scott and i jammed today. tyler arrived first and we played around with our guitars. i showed him a couple things i had made up and there was one thing he really liked. it was pretty simple for me to play it, so i sat down at the drum set and tried to play the hi hat and kick drum along with the song. it was a little too complicated for me to do, so i stopped playing guitar and played drums instead. now i've hit stuff on the drum set a few times, but i am by no means a drummer. today though... i actually played decent. granted, i play pretty much the same thing over and over, it was something i made up, and i didn't think it was half bad. well, you can judge for yourself, because i recorded it.



His House today was good. coney was good after. after that was even better. went to bill's to see his new guitar, which is very very pretty btw. he also had the new organ there, which is pretty intense. we jammed for like 15 minutes straight, bill on organ and me using his guitar with my amp. i enjoyed it very much :)
after that, bill went through probably every blink 182 song he knew how to play and we all sang along. it was fantastic. oh, "we" includes bill, lauren, jon, steve and justin. i dunno if kelley or nina ever joined in with the words. we also sang some old green day and other random tunes from our younger days. soooo entertaining.

tomorrow (today technically) is jamming with alex and brian. should also be good. maybe i'll play some drums again heh. i also might try biking out to work to see how that goes.

oh, and i might be going to New York in a week or so. hah, random. we'll see if that works out.

stoicism is not for reality

listening to: The Number Twelve Looks Like You - Texas Dolly

it's wanting to be loved, adored, respected. wanted.

heavy, hard.
careful. very careful.

morning thoughts

listening to: nothing yet

sometimes people's optimism annoys me.

sometimes i rewrite a sentence more than five times to get it to sound right to me.

sometimes i rebel for no good reason. i can be stubborn.

i've been floating by in this ocean, who's going to throw me a line?
sometimes i think i take this stuff too seriously,
but i don't like breaking things.

and i know i'm in trouble when the number of times you cross my mind is far greater then the number of times you cross my eyes.
see, now that sounds silly. i should have used "vision" instead of "eyes." but i like double meaning in words so i won't correct myself.

yesterday i spent a good half hour singing any old nursery rhyme or children's song that i could think of. i was tired, i was loopy.
i'm tired right now
but it was fun trying to transport that organ.

if this is going to happen again
then please
less bloodshed this time around.
i don't want another mess.

off to work. i should have a nap today, i feel like i need it immediately though.

sleep and the lack thereof

listening to: The Fall of Troy - Mouths Like Sidewinder Missiles

wow i'm tired.
but not so tired that i'm going to bed right now. :)

last night was lots of fun.
went to Courtney's open house as Kurt Cobain. the open house was listed as 5-10pm.
i left there at about 5:30am. there was a movie, and lots of talk about completely random things. i learned far too much about a girl i had just met that night. but it was all fun, lots of lulz and i got used as a pillow.
saw the sun rise as i was driving home. got to bed at about 6am. woke up for church at 9am. crazy. i was tired a lot today.

played hockey after work, had a good time. i didn't realize how much i must have got hit while playing because i have scrapes/cuts/marks all over. good times.


i may be seeing shapes again.
which is dangerous.
but as i said to kristen, "if it's not complicated it's not interesting"
but we'll see. it's summer time.
------
you're music knows emotion
but it's lacking in its passion
i'd take the time to teach you
but i don't think that's your fashion
------

this sleep is going to be nice.

random and beautiful

listening to: Thrice - Open Water

most random event of the week:

a bunch of people were supposed to go see the new Hulk movie tonight. 12:01 in fact. since i work right next to where we were going to see the movie, and i went over there right after i got out of work at about 11:15, i was the first one at the theater. looking at the movie times on the screen, i didn't see a 12:01 showing, the last one started at 10:50. i called up justin, told him, but then i saw that 12:01 was listed on the screen, but as the first showing. for a few moments i thought everything made sense but then i realized it didn't. after a quick question to the nice person behind the glass, we had confirmed that there was no showing at 12:01am saturday. the only 12:01 showing had already happened about 24 hours earlier. so i started to leave the theater, when suddenly a "woah!" came from a group of people walking towards me. it was Bill, Lauren, Jon and Justin. so i said "whelp, maybe i'll see a movie after all." and i did. and it was fun. the end.


hey Lauren, did you find this? i was hoping you would. since you mentioned what i had said last time about bill, i figured you'd come across this sooner or later.
anyway, i was reading your note, and had more to say on it but i didn't feel like leaving it in a comment there. why? because this is the way ninjas operate, stealthy and... roundabout?
these lines in specific resonated with me:

"a lot of times i think i am steady enough that i could meet and marry just about any guy and make it work. that probably didn't come across as i wanted it to. i mean that i think i can get along with enough kinds of people and am passionate and willing to make things work, so i don't fear that my future marriage won't work out. i know that if we are both seeking God with absolutely everything in us and putting Him above the other, it will be absolutely perfect. i acknowledge the difficulties that will arise and the arguments, but i embrace the challenge whole-heartedly."

if you changed the word "guy" to "girl," i would say this fits my thoughts about myself perfectly. for me, this makes it strange and even scary to think of there being one person who is the best or ideal for me. i mean, if there really is only one person that's perfect for me, then there's so many other people that aren't as good, and how will i know the difference?
i used to think that there isn't necessarily one "meant to be" person for everyone. then i started to think that there just must be one person that's better than all others. but now i'm finding that i'm thinking more like i used to. God can bless any relationship, and i definitely believe he will if the priorities in the relationship are right. Sure, relationships will be different with different people, and there can be glaring differences that make it unreasonable to even want a relationship with certain people, but different does not have to imply better of worse. just because person A and person B both enjoy topics 1, 2, and 3 doesn't mean that couple will be any better off than if person A was with person C, and they both like topics 4, 7, and 8.
basically, love is not quite logical, and what seems to make sense might mean nothing. what seems crazy may be the most beautiful. even if there really is a "the one," upon entering a relationship i would have to pray and trust God to show me if the person was wrong for me. faith is paramount.

so um, yeah. i didn't actually have anything to say about the Thrice quote, i just wanted you to find this. :) and i ended up having way more to say than i thought. it definitely would have overflowed the facebook character limit on comments.

pizza and personality tests

listening to: Portugal the Man - Kill Me. The King

pizza. i ate it tonight.

personality tests, i took one tonight.

end of story.
just kidding.

good day. work was quick, my mom and sisters stopped by. trisha is leaving next friday for london, i'm sad. well, i'm not sad right now, but i'll miss her. she's my granddaughter doncha know?
installed my new video card (thank you mr. mayle!) and it works wonderfully. i can play games again.
band practice was sweet. we jammed after it was over and that was super fun. i was a little cranky from not eating dinner, sorry if it was obvious. it was also pretty warm.

i'm considering biking to work. i think tuesday possibly i'm going to ride a bike up to work to figure out a route and how long it would take. fun fun! lets save on gas money shall we? yeah, good idea.

so after band practice nick and i went to my house, hung with my family for a little while, then left to get pizza and go home. i did not eat my whole half of the pizza. maybe if i hadn't had breadsticks too...

got home, watch a Home Movies ep (love that show), then added a facebook app for personality types (thanks to lauren). it was pretty entertaining. i agree with my results on the most part. i think maybe i feel though that some parts of me are pretty constant, but i can change my behavior a good deal on other topics. did that sentence make sense?

lately, i try to see some things as more than coincidences. i think i find a lot more blessings this way. but i need to be careful not to mistake coincidences for something more than just... coincidences. for instance, the "pedagogue" thing. enough said i think. but whatev you know?

i'm talking to lory right now. MyType says she's my "pal." she is cool. you know, i pick carefully the friends that i like to keep in touch with, the ones that i choose to initiate conversation with, the ones that i miss hanging out with. lory is one of those friends, random.

bill kahler is my "enigma." i enjoy a good puzzle. actually, if i could pick one person i would like to be better friends with, i would choose bill. i'm interested in the thoughts that go on in his head and i really think he's a respectable person and he's good with music. basically, i think he's a cool guy that i'd like to hang out with more. that's possibly potentially embarrassing. i think. but whatever.

boy oh boy. oh boy. i'm in a good mood tonight for sure. i should go to bed soon, but i think i'll play a little Half Life first. that game is goooood.

love all.

night ending

listening to: Thrice - The Sky is Falling

so i'm sitting here.
without a shirt on.
there's a fan on high
blowing in my face
trying to dry me.

maybe a shower right before bed wasn't the best idea.

but i do like the way my hair feels after a shower. when it's slightly cool from being damp, but not really wet. and it's soft. i like having long hair.

it was Jo's birthday tuesday, a week after mine. i called her up to say happy birthday and she informed me that a gift for me was on the way. she's helping me go to california again.
0_0
THANK YOU! i figured i'd be able to save up the money over the next month or so, but i wasn't sure, and i probably wouldn't have much money to take with me for food and such. this is pretty phenomenal. an incredible blessing.

this is why i don't worry and stress about things a lot. if it's meant to happen, it will happen. have faith that you will be taken care of, because you will. well, that is, if you know God as the Creator and you follow the example of Jesus. no other deity is real enough to care about me or my life. no other belief system gives sense to the world like the Christian view does.

i'm incredibly blessed. i have everything that i need, and always have. loving friends and family, food, shelter, opportunity. i thank all of the people in my life for being who they are to me, helping make me into who i am and being there for me. but most of all, i thank God for putting these people in my life. if i think about where i'm at now, i can look back and see the string of blessings that lead me to this point. it's not luck, it's purpose, it's meaning. my life is not empty.


well, my hair is dry. time to go to sleep. :)

Yeah yeah, lets go rock!

Warped Tour. I haven't been to it in a few years. It's time to go back. Are you with me?

Bands I'm interested in seeing:
The Devil Wears Prada, Protest the Hero, August Burns Red, Every Time I Die, Norma Jean

Bands other people might be interested in seeing:
Family Force Five, Anberlin, Chiodos, The Human Abstract, Reliant K, Madina Lake

The date is July 18 in Detroit at Comerica Park.
the website with the full list of bands is:
http://www.warpedtour.com/warpedtour/bands.asp
if you see a band you like, make sure they will be at the july 18 date.

I'm willing to organize a carpool (caravan if necessary) out to detroit and back. It will be great fun! Ticket price is just under $40. that's through ticketmaster's website with their convenience charge and the building fee.

let me know via comment here if you're interested in going, or if you think you're interested in going, or if you already plan on going, or if you just want to tell me that you think i'm cool. ha.

Rock on!

impromptu = good

listening to: The Fall of Troy - We Better Learn How To Hotwire A Uterus

impromptu hockey: great fun

impromptu movie: also great fun

impromptu speeches are my favorite kind to give.

therefore, impromptu = good.

nothing more. i'm mega tired.

lovely

listening to: Incubus - Drive

Stardust is a cool movie.

I'm loving a lot of things right now. Including the breeze this fan is blowing in my face because it's freakin' hot up here.

Something attacked me while i was sleeping, my guess is a spider. There's a quarter sized red bump on my back and it hurts to press on it. this makes things like sitting back slightly uncomfortable, but not so bad really.

I have a friend who is loving his life right now, pursuing something he loves and just being genuinely happy. It makes me happy to see him that way, and it makes me want to chase after that too.

mmmm. so much love. "love everywhere, exploding, maims and blinds. a living dance upon dead minds"

someday we'll know what love is like for real. it'll be better than anything.

oh, and please pray for my parents and family, they could use it. thanks.

it wasn't my day but i enjoyed it anyway

listening to: Burden of a Day - I'm Only Laughing on the Outside

so today started off pretty good. woke up at 9 to my alarm, hung around in bed for a while because i was tired. got up before 9:30, had some breakfast while watching a home movies episode. then i got to work on internship duties.

i've been kinda stuck on getting the movement of the player to work correctly. i would press an arrow key and the character would move, then stop for half a second, then get moving again smoothly. i sent an email out to my professor and a friend from class to see if they knew what was up. my prof emailed me back in about 10 minutes explaining why my problem was happening and how i should fix it. he also gave me his phone number in case i needed more help. sweet! he's a cool guy, actually only a few years older than i am.

speaking of how old i am, every time i see alcohol i find myself surprised when i think that i could buy it if i wanted to.

but anyway, just a few minutes ago i got the movement on the game working. it's not 100% right, but i got the big problem done and now it just needs tweaking. awesome. i'm liking this stuff. i'm going to be proud of the final outcome, i know it.

so anyway, back to my day. drove off to work, things were going good. it was hot but my windows were down. a bug splattered on my windshield, leaving juice as the body was blown off my car. moments later i heard a sound, "hmm that sounds like i ran over metal or something." more moments later i heard another sound "hmm that sounds and feels like my tire is flapping... crap."

so i pulled over on the exit ramp of the highway and sure enough, my tire was totally flat. i took it off and found the hole in it. just a clean puncture. called work, told them i'd be late, and then put the spare on. drove to work, stopped by the tire center and figured that i'd be buying two new tires today. it's nice that my work has a tire shop. work went pretty well. got out 2 and a half hours early (it's ok, i picked up 6 extra hours this week) and got my new tires. the old tire was all worn on the inside from me driving a short distance with it flat. there goes about $133. i was going to use that to fix something else on my car, but oh wells... it can wait i suppose. maybe i should bike to work like trisha. i just might. and then when i was at work late, i forgot to punch in. whoops, it wasn't my day.

it got better from there, except that rich couldn't hang out with me like i thought he was going to be able to.

i played with my sequencer today! it's actually WAY cooler than i thought it was going to be. i was very amused with it just playing for a small amount of time. i'm going to have to videotape me using it sometime and post it. went to a rampage game with alex, theo, brian, scott and justin. twas fun. ran around in the pouring rain, also fun. i intend to play in the rain at least once this summer.

i've been loving the storms! i really do enjoy a good storm. fun to watch. i loved the really windy evening friday. i like being out in it. the wind on the verge of violence, blowing hard. it makes me want to walk around outside or just sit and be in it. totally cool.

i need to figure out how to save money to go to california, because i need to go. i also should get some sleep. much love to all my friends out there.

the things we hold and leave behind

"wake up.
you've been asleep for a long time" she said.

"i was waiting," i said,
"but, then i finally left that place.
i set it down, just like he said.
these are the things i left behind:"

i wrote this a couple weeks ago
These Arms Are Restless

Lyrics:

I should have never,
I never meant,
But I won’t take back a thing.
Rainy mornings
Softly snoring
Or a voice that’s meant to sing

No choked regrets
No moments wept
While thinking how we’re weak
Just memory
Of death, of free
Nights only arms asleep

These arms are restless now
Hanging at my side
No one to wrap around
No one to hate to say goodbye

These thoughts are broken,
Like broken wings,
But not beyond repair.
Fearless stories
Hearts outpouring
Press further if you dare

A breath grows tight
A fear to fight
Feels like a heart attack
Throw off these chains
You’ll be free again
I said it and I’ll never take it back

These arms are restless now
Hanging at my side
No one to wrap around
No one to hate to say goodbye

No one to keep your head up high
No one to hate to say goodbye
No one to hold no one to fight
No one to steal your breath of air
No one to laugh at when they stare
No one to say this is for life

These arms are restless now
Now that you’re not around
I’m flying on my own
I wish it felt like home
Again

--------------------------------------------------

i wrote this months ago. taken from a little instrumental i made last year.

Peace (close your eyes)

Lyrics:

I know your head is full tonight
All of your thoughts trying to fight
You know with morning comes the day
That you take back the heart you gave

Close your eyes girl
What you need is just some rest
Close your eyes girl
May grace and peace be in your chest
Close your eyes girl
This bittersweetness will not last
Close your eyes girl
The night is fading all too fast

We shared our hearts and told our minds
We didn’t sleep to pass the time
A whispered warning:
“are you sure this is gonna be ok?”
A rainy morning
How could I help it if I loved you more each day

So close your eyes girl
And know that every word we said was true
Close your eyes girl
Even if we only thought but never knew
Close your eyes girl
Don’t forget just how I looked into your eyes
Close your eyes girl
Or how I held your face and never told you lies

We didn’t listen when they told us not to run
We wanted just to be each others only one
We didn’t know that it would all end up this way
I didn’t realize just how much I’d want to stay
The hardest part for me is having to let go
But these are things that I just wanted you to know
All I have to do is throw these thoughts away
To burn in a new fire for each day

So close your eyes girl
I’ve learned so many things from you
Close your eyes girl
And maybe I will close mine to

i had to confess,
"i have been lying
all this time. even to myself.
i was never all better. not for long at least.
i knew it was pointless,
i just wanted something to hold on to.
even if that something only hurt."

"it's ok" she said.
"you've been sleeping
but you're awake now.
you'll be just fine, i know it."

"i don't know who you are" i said.

she said
"you will someday."

The End
but more of A Beginning
----------------------------

20 was hands down the best year of my life, even if you only count the first half of it. i trusted more truly and openly than i ever have, and never once felt that trust was broken, or even scratched. it's honesty i'll never forget and i'm thankful for this, among many other things. i began to see what being a true, loving friend really is like, and i'm trying to be a better friend myself. there is so much love in that girl. i burned to be a part of it again for so long. i knew all along how meaningless it was, but it didn't stop. i'm overdramatic at times (that's why i think i could be good at this songwriting thing). i need to quit writing songs about this though. it's like i'm trying to make a scar out of a cut, just keep opening it again and again. i'm leaving it behind. i'm walking and i'm leaving it behind. everything tells me to and i know it's right. if what was seemed to me better than anything ever, than what is and will be can only be more amazing yet.


and i've been sleeping for at least the last 4 months.
but it's time to wake up and get going.
it's about time.

where does the time go?

listening to: Burden of a Day - Blessed be our Ever After (and) Pt. 2 Sometimes They Do

first of all, i listened to the first song and a half of the new Burden of a Day cd at least 4 times today. screaming along all the way, it's so good. love it. my voice was not quite all there today for the wings game and i had a headache when i got there, but screaming along is fun.

yay Wings! epic ending! goalies rule! i love watching hockey, the rare times that i do watch it. i hardly watch any tv on my own. aside from the end of one of the wings games, i can't remember the last time that i watched tv by myself. i'm pleased at this. i'm not counting episodes of stuff i watched on my computer though.

today i had birthday time with my family. i love my family. we had a sweet dinner with corn on the cob, grilled chicken, mashed potatoes, pasta salad and finished it off with the standard lemon/lemon cake. lemon cake with lemon frosting has been my birthday cake since as long ago as i can remember, and i love it. for presents i got new jeans, and in the pockets were 3 $20 gift cards for the movies, subway, and speedway. arif got me the movie he had intended to buy for me for Christmas but didn't get to. i will finally watch and enjoy Employee of the Month. maybe i should watch it with other people, to enjoy it more. we'll see. my final present was a Korg PSS-50 sequencer/synth. my dad got it at a garage sale. i haven't got a chance to try it out yet, but i'm excited to tomorrow. if i can make cool stuff on it i'll be sure to post it.

i feel like i have so little time. probably because i need to get cracking on internship stuff and suddenly i'm thinking of the other things i want to do. like play with the synth, read some books, play video games, finish a song etc. ah well, all in due time.

tomorrow will be here soon, i should go to bed.

song not finished so story not finished. they'll both be done at the same time.

so major now

listening to: Duffy - Wake Up

my Birthday was very enjoyable.
started it at midnight at the lowell's, surrounded by good friends. loved it.
woke up in the morning before 8 am when Reme called me and sang happy birthday. i didn't mind at all. rolled out of bed around 10 and responded to the first wave of facebook birthday wishes. i managed to personally thank every one of them. there were 50+ posts.

went to the secretary of state to renew my license. i think my picture is going to be pretty dece. went to salvation army and got a fairly ugly looking shirt, i think it will work well, can't wait to use it.
spent a good deal of the afternoon relearning how to play a song i wrote and then recording some of it. i want to finish that soon, very soon.

went to his house, got to play guitar. happy :)
grand coney after. talked about star trek for at least 20 minutes, i'm not a trekie. at all. my parents liked it tho so i used to watch it.
Duffy show afterwards! i like seeing that band, they are fun and entertaining. Weiner rock!
it felt strange/good to know i'll never have to have those M's (or W's) on my hands at concerts ever again. so... liberating?
Bill Kahler bought me my first ever alcoholic drink, it was delivered to me by Emily McJones. it was a rum and coke, and it was gross. the lime saved it from being absolutely terrible. i finished it though. later while we were home, emo had a few drops of Petrone left. it filled like 1/3 of a shot glass. it smalled absolutely poisonous, and tasted about the same. but i drank it. so far i am not a fan of alcohol. it's all tasted bad at this point.

i'm really tired. more birthday to do tomorrow, with family. love you all. really i do.

the story will end soon.

it's upon me

listening to: La Dispute - See You in Vancouver

"i'm reading over your shoulders,
it says it in every line, in ever curve and crack.
it says it in every detail of your face,
unmistakably apparent in this dull light.
tracing a separate letter, forming a separate word.
twisting together to build the same beaufiful message,
the same painful realization.
the cracks in your lips
open with the books. and
the smile shows the lines in your face.
perfectly crooked, and
perfectly familiar.

and for the moment, uncovered like a statue--
lay perfectly still. to show the cracks in your lips.
give purpose to this pattern, and start to smile.
burst into flames, disappear
before your best intentions can no longer hide her ears from that which will make them bleed. before your own two hands become too weak to hold the blood inside her wounds. before reality explodes before you in a brilliant flash of spectral fires, into a thousand fragments of a past, long dead and gone.

(this is remembering the last time we spoke,
the last time we touched,
words ricocheting off of empty tables.
vandalizing the pictures on these smoke-stained walls
and i can hear your mouth as it opens from across the room. your tongue and lips forming the shape of your laughter, its the curve of your stomach, its the bend in your legs. its the remnants of the pages framed in the cracks of your bleeding lips, its the curve of your stomach, its the bend in your legs.
your crooked teeth.)

i'm reading over your shoulder, it says it in every line, in every curve and crack--
the same stupid message in every stupid bend and in every stupid stitch, in every inch of our peeling skin.
its tracing letters in the same sentence, (its screaming the same stupid thing, like the howling of a plane playing over and over and over and over and over...)"

an awesome song. it's too bad i don't have a way to let you listen to it right now.

i'm 21 now. cool. lets see what they day has in store.

i smiled and said,
"yeah. you're right.
i guess i should get going then.
thanks."

he only nodded and gestured with his arm at the way ahead.

i started walking.
the path behind me soon began to fade.
a mist blew in,
covering everything but a few steps in front of me.
though i couldn't see anything,
i wasn't really afraid.

and a light came shining through.

and closer

listening to: Every Time I Die - The New Black

something i thought of the other day: I'm learning to appreciate being outside more.
quite suddenly i find myself thinking that i would love to just go out and throw a frisbee around with some one. i'd love to kick a soccer ball around. rollerblade, ride bikes, just be outside hanging out with a friend (or two or three or more). and thankfully, i have been playing outside more. it reminds me of the days of knocking on the door and asking, "can _____ come out and play?" the days.

i stood and faced him.
"i know, i know all of this" i said.

"of course you do" he said in response.
"i couldn't tell you anything you didn't know yourself.
i am just a reflection of you after all."

"then what is the point
of you even being here?" i asked.

he replied,
"you and i both know
that you need to hear it from some one else
for it to get through your head."