From a Rogue Mind

this will be the saddest thing i have ever written.
at least it is to me.
and sorry for the profanity, this is the kind of thing i save my expletives for.

i was at bill's place, watching a movie with steve+friend and jasonx2.
my brother west called me and started with "are you ready for this?"
my response to what he said was, "fuck."

over the next couple minutes he went on to tell me that my mom and dad came back from a wedding party, they had both been drinking and on the way home they were talking about "separating." there was arguing and all that wonderful stuff. they got in the house and at some point my mom got pushed and now my dad is spending the night in jail. the police were at the house as i was talking to west. he went on to tell me that things haven't been good lately, and he thinks he deals with is by just being sarcastic about things all the time, and he thought maybe that wasn't a good way to go about it. that hurt to hear that.

arif saw the push happen, reme saw my mom on the floor and my mom was yelling at her to call 911. instantly my dad tried to apologize and help her up, but it was too late. he made a mistake.

i left bill's house and went to my parent's. the police were still there. i noticed my dad in the back of the police car in the driveway, but i didn't look at him as i walked by, i couldn't. i'm sure he saw me, i wanted him to at least know that i was there to be with the family.

through tears my mom told me what happened. i held her hand as she explained to me how hard things have been and how she didn't want it to be this way and she broke down when she said that my dad was no longer her best friend, she wanted him to be but he wasn't anymore. i couldn't help but cry with her. i don't live at home anymore. i didn't know how bad it was. i just didn't know. i knew there was arguments but i never thought they would really separate. never.

my mom told arif that he could go to bed, but he said he couldn't sleep. he wanted to but he couldn't sleep. selvije was in bed but couldn't sleep either and she wanted to see me. i went and layed in her bed with her and just talked to her about her day and normal things. she's such a happy little kid, my youngest sister. she knew what happened and she still just wanted to talk to me, ask me questions about what i was doing, how work was and such. my eyes were full of tears while she just told me about everyday things. that little girl is so full of love and joy. i hope that doesn't change, ever.

reme wanted me to stay the night there, and i kind of felt like i should, but i wanted to leave.

i don't know what to call this feeling. it's like an intelligent emptiness. i undertand everything that's happening, but i don't understand what i'm feeling.

my poor brothers and sisters. i love them. i don't want them to hurt because of this. i don't want the three to think it's their fault.
my famliy is my heart and it's crumbling. i feel like i never should have moved out on them, that i made things harder by leaving. i don't know what is going to happen. it's not in my hands.

please pray for my family. i cannot make myself believe that this is how it was supposed to be. something went wrong.
God is still watching over me. i'm not worried for myself, i just want my family to be ok.

i didn't type anywhere near as many expletives as i thought were in my head. heh, that's good i suppose.