wet hair

i forgot that when i take a shower before going to bed, my hair is wet.
so i'm sitting with a fan blowing at my head for a little while before i try to sleep.


i really never thought these things would be happening to me.
i knew things weren't going the best, but i didn't know how close to worst they were.

i feel really distant from it all. i don't live at home. i don't have to see the day to day of it.

thank you, all of you who ask how i am and such. i appreciate it. i realize how important it is to not just act like a problem doesn't exist. i let myself be too awkward around tragedy, and it has kept me from being loving before.

only one person at work knows. even though she's a friend, and the fact that i told her about it means i trust her, i still didn't want to meet her eyes today. i felt like if i looked at her and she looked back, i'd suddenly somehow be exposed or something and i wouldn't handle it well. every one is so nice there at work, and if they all knew.... i think it would be too much. i don't think i could handle them all feeling sad on account of me. watching me walk past with that pitying "such a shame" look on their face. it would make me sad to see it.
but i talked to my friend. not about the situation at all, but about nothing in particular. i made it through the day. it's not so much that i don't want people to know what's going on, i just don't really want to be the one to say "hey, this is happening" and drop that bomb on them. beacause anybody that really does care about you is going to feel sadness for you in your sadness. i don't want to make anybody sad.

i'm going to new york with steve this week, i got it all straightened out with work today. i'm looking forward to it for sure.

and please, just let it be known. satan will gain nothing in me from this. nothing at all. my faith will not be shaken.

the earth may shake and everything in it, but my faith will still stand strong.