my favorite version of the song. the CD one is not as good imo. the actual song starts after a bit of random footage. i love the piano they use here.
good day.
after work i stopped by the house and my dad put a new air filter in my car. we talked for a while, i listened mostly like usual, but that's fine. i learn things about relationships and how things end up bad. how things go wrong. i'm learning, and i don't want to forget because i don't want the same thing to happen to me.
my dad has the official sentencing tomorrow. if you've read this, please say a quick prayer that it goes (or went) well.
hm... there was other things to talk about but they can wait for another time. something in romans 12.
"we turned our water into whining shouting 'let us be like Christ!' but then the whining turned to wonder and the wonder turned to ice"
i've had those lines stuck in my head today. go La Dispute.
i've got my favorite Charles the Osprey song on there, and also a sweet 8-bit song. go and listen!
recap Fes2val a little. the first band we saw: Bram n Dexous. i would like their myspace but i feel that their songs on that page do absolutely no justice to how entertaining those guys are. never have i more regretted not bringing my camera to a show. ah well, i have the memories.
i think the only other band of note that we saw was Charles the Osprey. i had been wanting to see them for a while and i wasn't disappointed. cool stuff for sure.
i don't get enough sleep. so i'm going to go sleep.
there was something i felt like i just had to write about... but i don't know what it was. maybe tomorrow.
listening to: lots of music in my head. nothing in particular.
Fes2val was cool! 2 man bands can be sweet. i'll write about it later, maybe tomorrow. i hope.
just want to get this down before i go to bed.
after fest2val i went to courtney's place to hang out with people. cam and evan were there and it was cool seeing them. most people were drinking/smoking. it's not my style, i don't like it much. a fire got started and i was sitting at it with some other people. then the most incredibly unexpected thing happened. we talked theology. and we talked bioethics. and we talked religion. and we talked about how to pronounce sigur ros.
and it was awesome! i did not in any expect these kind of conversations to come up tonight, but they did and i loved it. we talked about God and love and how some people just miss the message and want to shout judgement down on everyone. we talked about how sometimes the people who speak up the loudest are the one's who don't have things right, and how that's so unfortunate. we talked about the value of life and about wether it's right to save a 20-week premature baby that may survive but even if it does it will forever live with disabilities physically and psychologically. and we talked about how in the past these choices never had to be made because they weren't possible, but now we're faced with having to choose between never living or living a life that's guaranteed to be hard. but there's always the choice. and we don't know the future, we don't know how a life will be lived out and how other lives might be affected by it.
it was all just.... great. the people were cool. one was a pastor's daughter and a handful are going to Calvin. away from the fire there was a kind loud discussion going on about the Bible, but i think there was too much alcohol over there.
just really really unexpected.
and i got a goodbye kiss on the cheek from cam and courtney simultaneously. cam had been drinking. haha. good times.
i'll recap the concert stuff later. i need sleeeep!
i never seem to go to bed on time saturday nights. ah well.
listening to: Russian Circles - Death Rides a Horse had this song stuck in my head a lot today. lovely instrumental band. cool tune, dig it!
I DO NOT WANT TO DRAW ANYMORE.
DRAWING TAKES A LONG TIME.
THIS IS ALL IN CAPS BECAUSE IT IS SERIOUS.
I NEED TO GO TO BED AND STOP DRAWING.
but that means i'll have to continue drawing later. unfun.
i've been at this for over 3 hours. if you take away the time i've spent on distractions, the time spent drawing is less. but still. i'm not liking this.
i cannot express myself through a visual medium like this. i am drawing a copy of what i see on a page. pretty much anytime i try to draw something from my head it = fail. i can copy this stuff to a decent degree, but i can't get things from my head to the paper. i don't even think i can correctly visualize these things in my head.
this is going to drive me nuts. i can't wait to get to sculpting and hopefully away from pencil drawing. i am completely dreading the drawing "projects" that are going to suddenly be due in the middle of regular weekly homework.
and i have to get up early tomorrow morning to pick up food for the house because i have a roommate who doesn't want to wake up to do it. so tomorrow morning i'll drive out to jenison, pick up food, drive back home, take care of the food, then drive out to work. said roomate could have picked up the food, brought it home and then went back to sleep.
i am tired of drawing, and i'm hungry because i'm up late enough to where i feel like i need to eat another meal.
this is a comlpaining post. i stopped in the middle of a drawing to make it. i like writing far more than i like drawing.
listening to: The Fall of Troy - F.C.P.R.E.M.I.X. cool video
one of my favorite things to do at work is to talk to younger kids. i get so much amusement out of anything that they have to say. sometimes a kid seems really quite until you start talking to them and then you can't get them to stop talking back. it's great to see them smile at things like this.
there was a little boy that came in with his mom just wednesday that i talked to. he asked me what my name was and i told him mine and asked what his was. i don't remember his name, i probably couldn't make out what he said very well. he knew that he was at costco with his mom, so he asked me where my mom was. i told him that she was probably at home with my brother and sisters. he asked why and i said that they were probably eating dinner. he asked why. i said probably because they were hungry. he asked why and i said because they had been working and needed to eat food. i think he got a couple more "why" questions in before it was time for him to go and say bye.
i'm sure you've heard of this kind of thing happening if you haven't had it happen to yourself. a child, probably in honest curiosity, will keep asking "why?" even when there is no more logical answeres to give to the "why" question, they'll keep asking.
when did we stop asking that question? why did we stop asking why?
i don't know when or exactly why we stopped, but i think sometimes we need to pick that habit back up again.
what i'm thinking about in this vein pertains to education. we discussed this a little tonight at Real Men, the hollow reality of the "American Dream."
Wikipedia defines the American Dream like this:
"The American Dream today often refers to one's material wealth which is dependent upon one's abilities and work ethic, and not on a rigid class structure"
How do you acheive this dream? In my opinion, I think most people would say something like this;
Go to school, get a good education. Study hard and get good grades in high school. Then get into a good college and continue to study hard so you can get a degree. Maybe stay in school and get an advanced degree. Then you go get that job. You go get that high paying job and you climb the ranks as far as you can and you make the money. You get the house, the car(s), the home theater, the fancy clothes and all the material things like that. And then maybe you ask why.
but I think the "why" should have come up a lot earlier in this timeline. why do you want to do well in high school? -to get into a good college. ok, why do you want to get into a good college? -to get a good job ok, why do you want a good job? -to make good money why do you want money? -to buy stuff
maybe the answers go a little differently for you. maybe you define "good job" as something you really love doing, no matter what the pay is.
why are you chasing money when so much of the wisdom in the world screams that money will not make you happy?
all i want is friends and family. i'm happy with that. ok, and music too probably :) i absolutely do not need to be rich. i don't need (and actually probably don't want) kids that grow up with everything handed to them. I certainly want to provide for them, but I've come across too many kids with money that take more for granted than even the average american.
i juggled a soccer ball around in a driveway yesterday and loved it. i want to do that kind of thing more often. i don't play enough. i thank God for His House social events, i like getting out but i don't do it enough on my own. one of the things i grabbed from the house yesterday was my tennis racket. i like playing tennis, but i haven't done it in a long time. i want to do that. i want to enjoy sunshine and laughter and meaningful relationships with other people. i want to play music and play soccer and praise God in all of it. I want to do things I love. I don't want to chase after sums of money that will never satisfy my soul. i don't think this is impossible. not at all.
and i love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. but that's another story that i'm keeping close to home for now. haha.
it's simple things that i find making me happiest. why would i trade them for something else?
i went back to the house i used to live in, the house my family used to live in. i sifted through piles of memories, trying to decide which to keep and which to leave behind. i brought back a box of things i didn't want to forget yet. as i left the room that used to be mine, i stopped at the doorway, looking in. i said "there's nothing left here that i need." to another room i told, "i am leaving nothing that i cannot live without." and then i went out into the driveway and kicked a soccer ball around, bouncing it on the pavement like i used to. kicking it into the basketball hoop like i used to. the peaceful family dog was content to lay in the shade and watch me. it's that last time i'll ever do that there. and it felt... really peaceful to do it again.
doing things feels different when you know it's the last time you'll be doing it. i think we far too often don't know when that last will come though. how many conversations might have gone differently if the conversers knew it would be the last time they spoke to each other, either by choice or circumstance?
sorting through my memories, i came across something i had forgotten about. it was from a long while ago, middle school or real early high school. i was... cruel to some one, a friend. i don't want to tell you what i did because i'm afraid of what you would think of me. i was so young then, but i still feel shadows of that self sometimes. i need to find this person and apologize. i was so childish.
but now there's even more stuff in my room here. i found some funny things that i'll try to photograph sometime soon and share. for one, i kept a note a girl gave me because it was the most exquisitely folded piece of paper i had ever received. i still find it impressive. the girl wanted to tell me that my birthday was the same day that she was supposed to be born on. that and she wanted me to go to homecoming because she wanted to dance with me. i don't think i ever did go.
i'm up too late again for having to go to class in the morning. ah well, so is life.
i saw the video by these guys called Hail Mary on Steve's blog the other day, then i saw the same video featured on youtube. so i watched this other one. i love the girl's voice. Hail Mary is a great ,one too. I liked this song about 3x more once she started singing in French. i just love other languages.
today was fantastic! i love tuesdays. got some good sleeping in done, but still got up at a semi-reasonable time so as not to waste the day away. here's what happened in a quick event list so as to save time!
-breakfast while watching a Zoids episode -took profile picture for tunkatunka -caught up on internet reading -learned part of Silverstein's Always and Never on guitar -lunch while watching another Zoids episode -made up and practiced solo-ish guitar parts for HH -went to His House. absolutely loved playing the music as usual -received Marshall 8100 amp head (!!!!!!!) -got home and the head works, but needs some tlc. -had a talk and got some things off my mind a bit (thanks)
now just have to do a little reading before sleeping.
i really think i'm feeling nudged in a certain direction by God right now. AJ's teaching today made it even more apparent. i'm still going to give it some time, thought and prayer, and we'll see. it makes sense.
i don't think there's too much to report today. i'm feeling real good right now. finished some homework and turned it in online 2 minutes before the deadline. i felt pretty good about that.
probably this week i will be talking (interviewing) via phone to a game designer that i really respect, Jonathan Mak. he created the game Everyday Shooter, the game that inspired me to create what I intend to be my final (capstone) project at the end of school. my game i idea is still floating around in my head, but it sprung from playing this guy's game.
tomorrow looks to be good. i'm going to be making up some guitar parts to play at His House. <3 guitar. i think i'm going to knock out a little bit more homework tonight so i don't have to worry about it tomorrow. how proactive of me.
if all goes as i'm planning in my head right now, i've got something sort of big in mind for next month. the end of. some changes. inside and out. i'll have to see how the time up until then goes, but i will be thinking a lot about it.
i'm too blessed to be depressed. hah. 'tis true though.
listening to: Underoath - Too Bright to See, Too Loud to Hear
Good God, if your song leaves our lips If your work leaves our hands Then we will be wanderers and vagabonds They will stare and say how empty we are How the freedom we had turned us up as dead men
Let us be cold, make us weak Let us, because we all have ears Let us, because we all have eyes Good God...
How they knew that this would happen We're so run down
Good God, Can you still get us home... How can we still get home I'm not dreaming We're forgetting our forgiveness ---------------------
it's not Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape, but it's still pretty good. i like hand claps.
i'm definitely not completely well. runny noses are annoying. i'll live though. i need to get more sleep on a regular basis.
my car stresses me out, because sometimes it seems like the temp is fine and then it will shoot back up again and then go back down and it seems random and i don't like it. if i don't have a car i can't take my guitar anywhere to play! that's probably my biggest concern about it right now. i bike to school, i can bike to work if necessary. i can get rides to some other places. maybe i'll have to get familiar with the bus system or something. we'll see. all in due time.
i feel like i'm coming up to an important decision to make soon. one that i'm kind of afraid to do, but maybe my fear betrays a lack of faith in what i know to be true. just too many "what ifs" that run through my head.
lets cut the ambiguous and call it a night. i'm tired and i've still got some reading to do.
"though all the world may hate us, we are named. the shadow overtake us, we are known. we're more than carbon and chemicals"
One of my favorite songs ever.
while Thrice makes it well known that they support the cause of Invisible Children, make no mistake; this song is also very much about how we are made in God's image and we have worth and meaning to our lives. we are not just a mass of neurons and nerve endings.
i am malleable. i am changeable. at least my mind is, my decision making. sometimes i get really pumped for something and then lose enthusiasm for it within the month. i'm way too apt to base my decision around other people and events.
i live in a world of "what if....s" and typically i've thought of a "...then this" to most of them. i spend a lot of my thoughts in the hypothetical. i'm not sure if that's a bad thing or not. it's not like i ignore the present, but sometimes i'm surprised by how things turn out because i was thinking so far ahead in events that when something unexpected happened a whole line of thought falls away as useless. i think that makes me seem strange..... ah well, i am strange. :)
i think i'm coming down with a slight cold. i hope it goes away quickly. i can't wait to play guitar in church tomorrow. i can't wait to play guitar at practice tomorrow. i love to play guitar.
someday someday i'll play in other places far away. yes sir. haha, with the old timey twenties voice: whaddaya know joe?
listening to: iwrestledabearonce - Ulrich Firelord: Breaker of Mountains
yesterday was amazing. today, though not finished yet, has not gone so well.
started off leaving alex's place. walked out to my car and noticed a dent in the driver's side door as big as my hand spread out. no idea when that happened, definitely not while i was in it, and i don't think it happened in flint. good thing i don't value my car being in any sort of pristine condition.
driving home didn't take as long as driving out there. i decided to take a little nap before going to work. work was fine for a bit. then i found out that i didn't get the job i really really wanted. total disappointment. rebecca (the supervisor for that position) was really nice as always, and explained to me that it was basically because of my availability. i don't have the right time available to work to be good for that department. i'm too busy. /sigh. i wanted that really bad. at least there's cool people in my department still.
i tried to be upset about it today. it worked for a couple hours but i couldn't stay that way. i dunno, it's hard for me to be sad for a long time nowadays, even if i want to be. haha. that's strange maybe.
ok, but like i said, yesterday was amazing! i did a terrible job of driving out to flint, but it was fine once i got there. that morning though in class we had the greatest discussion. i loved it. we talked about game design in light of the responsibility that we as designers have in creating our games. our games are going to affect people. interaction is one of the most powerful teaching tools. our teacher asked us if we felt responsible for the people that take in our content. as i kind of expected, a lot of people really didn't care, but i agreed full heartedly that we have a responsiblity for what we create. the teacher asked what if we made world of warcraft, how would we feel seeing that our game causes so many people to sit inside all the time and do nothing but play our game. they don't do anything useful or beneficial with their life, just play our game in all the spare time that they have. i know that i would feel like i'd created a monster. it was such a sweet discussion. it was game design with psychology and sociology and philosophy all mixed in. my favorite. so good.
the concert was awesome. 13 year old band!? it made me wonder what i'm doing with my life if those kids are playing shows.... oh yeah, i'm going to college, that's right. band with no drummer was too loud, all i heard was noise, though i'm positive there were skillz there. Iwrestledabearonce was really cool. started off with a partial cover of van halen's Jump. i got some dancing in, felt real good. got hit on the head, that didn't feel good.
got a shirt. had a good time. life doesn't suck. so there.
i was at the old house the other day grabbing a couple things, when i came across a gem from my past. it was a project titled "Poetry for the Video Gamer's Soul." it had some crappy video game related clip art on the cover, which had a plastic cover sheet.
This project consisted of poems i found about video games via internet, poems i wrote myself about video games, and essays covering the found/written pieces. unfortunately i cannot remember what grade this project came from. 8th at the highest, possibly 6th. between 6th and 8th grade. (btw, at my school we had recess through 8th grade, rockin')
holy crap. i just realized one of the poems i found online and included in my project has drug references. !!!! i had NO IDEA. i wonder what my teacher thought, they didn't write any notes about it..... oh lulz. check out these last 3 lines from a poem i discovered:
smoking herbals with sewer pipes and herbals with sewer bongs Luigi found the hard-to-find hidden warp zone
BAHAHAHAHAH! i could almost cry laughing about that. i was absolutely clueless. man, i stayed so young for so long back then. happy days as a kid.
ok, so here are some things i wrote. apparently i loved Zelda (the game, not the character) back then, as i do now. first, a limerick, at least i think it is.
There once was a boy named Link Whose world was in a real kink Near came the moon It will crash soon And then we were saved by Link
CHECK OUT THIS SWEET HAIKU:
The magical song Brings rain to the driest land It's the Song of Storms
this stuff is too good. here's a self-description poem:
Jarrod Lover of video games, Who feels video games are the future Who needs a new game every month, Who gives aid to those stuck in video games, Who fears being grounded from video games, -(that's so true) Who would like to see a video game in every household Pyper
here is a character description poem i did about LinkL
Link Strong, Brave, Running, Jumping, Slashing. He is our hero The ONE
priceless. there's some more, if you want to see them sometime let me know and i'll show them to you. there's like two narratives in there as well, short. maybe i really did pick the right thing to go to college for, haha.
next time i stop by the house i'll have to look for the stories i used to write in like 5th grade. now that's the stuff. (hostess?)
next time i stop by the house i'll have to sort through everything and decide what i bring back home with me and what gets tossed. i hold on to too many things as it is, it'll probably be hard. plus the fact of knowing that soon i'll never be in that house again kinda sucks.
but lets not end this on a down note. i had too many lulz with my video game poems to feel bad right now.
and may i just say that i like the way your mind works?
listening to: Chronic Future - Time and Time Again
like the song. video is cool too.
oh look! i made a new header for the blog today. i'm proud of it. please don't tell me it sucks.
i seem to have forgotten what i wanted to write about. silly.
i feel like i have a lot to do. homework-wise at least. i feel like i don't have time to do what i really want to do right now, which is play guitar. in church sunday i played a part from a Sigur Ros song to intro another song and then i played it a bit during. fun fun.
i like my fiction class a lot right now. i really enjoy reading things and then discussing what was read with others. this is the kind of thing i plan my Sunday School class to be like. i'm just really hoping that everybody will do the reading. i love to learn! i love knowledge. especially knowledge about the Creator of the universe.
so recently i got a nice psychological reminder on how awkwardly nervous i can get when confronted with a female of "interest." suddenly i'll feel totally inadequate to deal with the current situation and i'll typically not be able to think of a single thing to say. although i've found that i'm pretty good at repeatedly saying the word "yep" with pauses inbetween each reciting. this skill applies to more than just the aforementioned area, and is not restricted to "yep" but can also include variations such as "yup" and "yip."
i do believe i think far too much about what other people are thinking. that might not be so bad, but i then come to conclusions about what they must be thinking, but in reality i have no idea what their thoughts are. unless of course i were to ask them. but that would just be absurd, no?
it's one thing to think about some one and imagine conversations with them, but then it comes to irl and the castle is made of sand and crumbles in the tide.
well, i'm interested in working with stone now, starting with a solid foundation. the new castle will be cool once i get started on it. there i go being metaphorical.
perhaps i live in a hypothetical world full of assumptions are suppositions too often.
bottom line: i'm still just an awkward kid at heart. and i have to laugh at myself in that.
i don't so much want to be a marketer. i would much rather be doing something like what this lady does, and have people want me to help them promote things.
really like this video. first saw it on another blog, The Good Word. (good blog btw)
today i called the bank and that went well. i was overdrawn by over $200 this past week. school took money from me this month when i thought they would be taking it next month. so that was an event. 2 overdraft fees and a transfer of funds from savings to checking later, i was in the positive. after the phone call i got one of the overdraft fees returned to me ($30) and now i'm signed up for something that will help protect me from doing this again.
i am really tired right now so forgive me if i make even less sense than usual.
today at work i thought about the phrase "i'm over it." what qualifies you to be "over" something? or especially some one? is it that you don't ever think of them any more? is it that you no longer care about interacting with this person? is it indifference? maybe it's just the firm decision that what's done is done and there is only the future ahead. a purposeful "eyes on the road." in reference to a relationship from long ago, i am indifferent. towards the most recent, i'm looking ahead. i don't mean to suggest, for even a moment, that i wish things were different now than they are, just to be clear. but really, "over it" does not mean forgotten. i think it often means ignored.
and now i'm starving thanks to emo making delicious smelling pizza at 2am. maybe if i had a door on my room i would have been spared this sudden hunger brought on by the wandering smell of fresh baked goodness. curses.
and my car almost blowed up. that's probably exaggerating. but if what i'm going to try tomorrow morning does not fix my car, i might be in some trouble. and i also wouldn't be able to go to flint thursday. and i'm really looking forward to flint, so my car better be just fine. and stay fine for another year.
so, been stressing a bit lately. with the money, the car, the family situation, the homework, and the sharing of other's burdens. i feel a little weighted down.
here's a secret. i love playing guitar. that's not the secret. the secret is i really really don't like it when somebody else takes my place and plays guitar instead of me. it makes me really jealous. because i want to play all the time. i love it. i don't want to not do it. it gives me more purpose, it gives me a place, it gives me joy. i don't feel this way so much when the person taking my place is a good friend, or just some one who i really respect. but there's the secret. it's selfish.
it's not really my place anyway right? but i want it really bad.
listening to: Thrice - For Miles This song is fantastic. Thrice is always my favorite.
this is post #200. i couldn't think of anything special to do for it. so you'll now get some introspection brought on by meta cognition. i've been thinking about this for a while.
i can be a very defensive and argumentative person. those that know me fairly well probably don't know this. those that know me very well probably know this quite well. after thinking about this part of me on many different occasions on many different days, i think i've come to a conclusion on why i am this way.
it's because i think i'm smarter. because i think i know better. i will argue with somebody and when they argue back i will get defensive and most likely angry. and it's because i think i know more than they do. this is egotistical, obviously.
even if i don't know better, i will still sometimes try to argue a point. one moment that stands out to me a lot, because afterwards i realized how absurd i was being. the marines have commercials where at the end of the video, a marine will hold up a sword in front of his face and then twist it to show either the flat or the edge of the blade (i can't remember which). Nick, holding a sword, demonstrated this maneuver from the commercial, and i said "no, isn't it the other way around? don't you hold the sword a different way and then turn it?" and i had absolutely no clue as to how it was supposed to be done. i just blurted out a contradictory statement to what nick had done, for no other reason than to be contradictory and therefore seem like i knew better.
this was caught on video. i was holding the camera as nick did this and when i was watching the video i heard myself make the comment about the sword twist, and i knew that at the time i said it i had no idea which was the right way.
another instance. kelley gave me directions to her house the first time i went out there. i also had directions from the internet. once i got close to her place, i called and said i was almost there. she gave me some more specific directions and as i listened to her i noticed she was giving me a different route than the map showed. all the while saying "yeah, yup, ok" i was ignoring what she was saying because i had the map and therefore i knew better. i actually got slightly lost and had to call her again... there were far too many frustrating moments between her and i, and i think it came from me saying or thinking contradictory things to what she said. all i can think of as a reason for that now is that i wanted to be right, and if i said something different, then maybe that would make me right. stupid. just stupid. that girl was more right about more things than anybody else i knew. and i liked that, but some part of me rebelled against it. pride, or something equally meaningless like that.
i think i only act this way with people i know well. friends. but it's absolutely ridiculous.
of course now that i've identified this within myself, i need to change it. i need to be more humble. i don't honestly believe that i know more than everybody else. a lot of times i feel like i have more sense than most though. but really, i cannot continue to act this way with loved ones. it's simply destructive.
if you catch me doing this, please pull me aside and tell me. i might get defensive about it, but i will assuredly thank you later.
i just want to love. be more loving and understanding. i don't want to feel the need to be "right."
listening to: Yesterday's Riding - Our Lucid Dream http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GQnBr1vLVg -best version of the song i could find via youtube. embedding disabled for it tho. --there was another one with the song to a bunch of dbz clips.... no good. lulz.
happy birthday Nick.
today at work was good after it was over. somebody threw away my not-yet-empty arizona can after i left it in the break room for later. i was honestly really upset about it. i still am.
went to the beach today. it was fantastic. it was really foggy out. after running about 100 yards away from the group of people, i couldn't see them anymore. the water looked awesome with the fog all over it too. went swimming, played ultimate frisbee. enjoyed good times with good friends. i love the His House group.
on a different note, i've been thinking again on a topic i've thought of (and wrote about) before. i feel like i'm let down by people a lot. not that i'm depending on somebody and they don't come through, but seeing the behavior of people contrast with the way they say they want to live. i certainly am not implying that i am doing a better job than anyone else, but i wish there was somebody i could look to and say "yes, they've got it right. i want to be like them, do what they do, learn from them." we all have flaws. we all have vices. we mess up. we react badly to situations sometimes.
i dislike alcohol. i wish it wasn't around. i wish it wasn't even a choice wether to have it or not. there's a group of underage kids downstairs drinking and i hate it. i wish the police would show up and they would learn a lesson. the one who bought it for them would learn a lesson too. it' s just stupid.
why are you drinking? to get drunk. duh. why do you want to get drunk? because it's fun? what good can you do while drunk? who can you help? what's the benefit? where is there any good that isn't selfish in being drunk?
everybody compromises.
can i be strong enough not to? i wish i was just so i could show other people it's possible.
yeah, i like this song. when i hear it while driving in my car it evokes memories of pulling out of an empty parking lot and driving up fulton towards ghetto house. glad to be gone from that house.
i meant to do a handful of homework assignments this afternoon but i fell asleep instead. that wasn't so bad, but the fact that i woke up and then fell back asleep again messed me up. i was really groggy when i finally got out of bed.
went to Real Men tonight! it was great! plan to continue that.
i've been doing 3d drawing for the past couple hours. i was watching zoids at the same time, and i'm easily distracted. i don't like doing this kind of homework in my room by myself. it's far too easy for me to get off track and things just take longer. i am not good at 3d drawing. it's not something i really want to be good at, but im going to have to improve if i'm going to do well in this class, heh. ah well, i'll give it the old college try i suppose.
going to the beach tomorrow, i'm pumped for it. i was also pumped tonight because nick and bill and i went to jcc and played music for a while. it was tons of fun. playing through blink songs, jamming some random stuff. playing music is fantastic.
i need to go to bed and then start getting a better handle on homework and time management. heh.
loving this song. been playing part of it on my guitar since i learned that part yesterday.
i think i'm going to try more often to include the song that i'm listening to in the blog here. of course i'm not listening to it the whole time i'm writing, the writing takes far longer than a song usually. but it's what i'm liking at the moment typically.
i bought Munchkin today. the version is The Good, The Bad, and The Munchkin. it's western themed. nick, emo, kory and i played tonight. fun fun game! and i'll be playing it tomorrow morning in class because that's how cool my class is. we're playing awesome board games tomorrow. not like, checkers and chess and monopoly, none of that mainstream stuff. the quirky indie games of tabletop gaming. yeah. and settlers of catan.
i have/had a couple ideas on good, meaningful things to write, but i don't really feel like it right now. that and i should be getting to bed because i have class in the morning. :)
there's only one person i've ever known who can always tell when something is not quite right with me. when something is wrong. seeing right through me.
it is so hard to hide anything, especially yourself, from something like that. freaks me out.
this is not a relapse. there are no relapses. only observations now.
it's been years since i've ever seen myself in a picture at any house that doesn't belong to a relative. it's nice to know i'm on a friends wall somewhere, makes me happy. thanks, though you might not even realize it.
last night i stepped outside and caught a smell that was full of memories. it was the way the air felt, the way the season felt. last year was life changing, life directing. so much happened. if i had never gotten involved with His House, i don't know where i'd be as a person. and it's about this time that i really did start getting involved with the people there. i'm very thankful for that. i've missed the full blown His House sessions. it's good to be back.
if i could say one last thing to you before leaving it all at that, i think it would be "thanks for keeping me warm for the winter." warm like an incubating egg, closer now to hatching. it was a very cold winter. haha, i'm going to get all silly sounding if i keep going.
i keep forgetting how many times i see the words "space cadet." it keeps popping up in random places. the video game i was playing. the pinball game on my laptop last night. somebody called me it at work.
listening to: Drop Dead, Gorgeous - It's Pretty Hard To Beat The King
Firstly, watch this video. It's a little bit old now, but no less helpful in informing you about the issue.
since this video, the people have helped win an important decision by the FCC against these big media companies. comcast is trying to overturn the decision though. people need to let their elected leaders and representatives that this is important to them.
http://www.savetheinternet.com/
also, comcast is trying to put a monthly cap on internet service. they announced that on October 1 they'll impose a 250gb a month cap on home internet. the statement i read only said that if somebody went over the limit, comcast would contact the person and ask them to limit their usage. and i'm sure next will come charging them for going over their limit. 250g isn't a small amount. at least not now. the more widespread that video gets on the internet, the smaller 250g seems. what about downloading videos online from services like netflix? what about youtube videos or watching episodes of tv programming from the network's website like nbc? allowing this to happen now only sets us up for a bigger fall later on. and then comcast can happily charge more money for a higher cap, like it charges more money for more cable programming.
through all of this i always hear the cry for verizon's FiOS to save us. i hope they or something like them steps in. until then, WE need to step up and make this issue known and make it known that we care about. the people at savetheinternet.com are on the game, but they need people like us to tell others and our senators/representatives where we stand. use the site, sign up for email updates. save the internetz. pleez. :)
i'm thinking of starting a temporary theme with some of my posts. while at work i was thinking about Thrice songs and how many of them have Biblical references in them. I decided I'd go find the places in the Bible that the songs refer to and show them here. Because Dustin Kensrue is pretty much my hero.
First, the song:
then lyrics:
Mark me with fear, I'm trembling Send someone else instead I know my world is ending I can't repay my debt
Can I carry such a heavy burden? Can I move when I am paralyzed? I see a fire behind a heavy curtain I lean in closer and I close my eyes
Kiss the coals, breathe in smoke, And I say, "Here I am, send me." Lifts my soul, free and so unafraid "Here I am, send me, send me." Free and so unafraid "Here I am, send me."
Mark me with fire and Send me among the living dead. They cannot comprehend me; I watch the sickness spread
How, can they hear me when their hearts are hardened? How, can they see me when they close their eyes? So they can tell you I'm an easy target A wooden saw is quite a way to die
Kiss the coals, breathe in smoke, And I say, "Here I am, send me." Lifts my soul, free and so unafraid "Here I am, send me, send me." Free and so unafraid "Here I am, send me."
"Here I am, send me." ----------------------- Now the Bible verse it is drawn from. At least, this is what I assume, and I think you'll agree it makes sense: Isaiah 6
1 In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. 2 Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. 3 And they were calling to one another: "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory."
4 At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.
5 "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."
6 Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. 7 With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for."
8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"
9 He said, "Go and tell this people: " 'Be ever hearing, but never understanding; be ever seeing, but never perceiving.'
10 Make the heart of this people calloused; make their ears dull and close their eyes. [a] Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts, and turn and be healed."
11 Then I said, "For how long, O Lord?" And he answered: "Until the cities lie ruined and without inhabitant, until the houses are left deserted and the fields ruined and ravaged,
12 until the LORD has sent everyone far away and the land is utterly forsaken.
13 And though a tenth remains in the land, it will again be laid waste. But as the terebinth and oak leave stumps when they are cut down, so the holy seed will be the stump in the land."
----------------- ok. so we take out the parts that match up with the Thrice song. This song is written from the perspective of Isaiah. He had an incredible experience with God in which he was commisioned as God's messenger. "kiss the coals" is obviously drawn from verse 6. the fire behind a curtain lines refer to the temple where God lived with his people. only the highest priest was allowed to go into the most holy place where God dwelled, and the priest could only go once a year. that part of the temple was seperated from the rest by a large, thick curtain. on a separate note, when Jesus died that curtain was torn in two, signifying that there was now no seperation between God and His people.
the parallels are fairly obvious. i feel like i set myself up to try to explain more than i needed to, heh.
for anyone that has a problem with God declaring the destruction of the land, the people, please keep in mind the last lines:
"But as the terebinth and oak leave stumps when they are cut down, so the holy seed will be the stump in the land."
God has a plan and a purpose for this which seems like destruction. A seed is planted and good will come from it. Did you know forest fires can be good and essential events sometimes? The fire actually causes some seeds to open or "activate." This makes new growth, new health and life. God can work all things for good. It's a shame that so many people fail to see the good that results though.
that all went probably less effective than i had imagined. haha. oh well, i'll try for better next time.
first of all. i love this song, it's sweet. i like the song more than i like this video but this was the most entertaining way i could think of presenting it to you.
so today was good. but i only feel like i have one thing i need to communicate to sum up my feeling right now:
[00:01] Pap3rTig3rs: i love that house and it's residents [00:02] MisterCleanTM: this house loves you too [00:02] MisterCleanTM: in fact. the mural that theo painted of you on his ceiling using only hotdog condiments says that right below it [00:02] MisterCleanTM: ...well...it's in elvish [00:02] MisterCleanTM: but i think that's what it says [00:02] Pap3rTig3rs: AHAHAHAHA [00:02] Pap3rTig3rs: i'm so putting that in my blog
and at the same time:
[00:02] Shiodooru: I dont know elvish [00:03] Shiodooru: Its klingon
oh, you guys.
there was a lower part to this night, were my head was messing with me. i discovered i've moved beyond the "indifferent" feeling i kind of thought i was at. yes it's about a girl. it's almost always about a girl. not with me, just in general.
but the night ends well. thanks alex and theo. thanks for the lulz. we do it all for the lulz....
"In today's world, God cannot win. Whether He acts or refuses to act, the world is never void of protestors accusing God of injustice. The truth is we have made God in our own image. Rather than asking, "What is God like?" We continue to tell Him what He should be without understanding the myriad of contradictions. We want justice without punishment, prevention without intervention, and relationship without sacrifice. These are logical impossibilities, which a logical God refuses to violate."
read that in the book Dinner with Skeptics, by Jeff Vines. Sweet book, btw. really sweet. like, "i'm borrowing it from some one but i'm going to go buy it myself" sweet.
today i could not win. at all. went to class at 9. didn't get enough sleep the night before. struggled to stay awake. got out of class a little early and stopped by home to eat a quick lunch. i had to work at 12:30. got to work, they asked "where were you?" i said, "i'm right here! i start at 12:30." and they said "it's almost 1 now." i said "impossible" but it was true. somehow while i was home eating, i think i mixed up "arrive at work at 12:30" and "leave for work at 12:30." so that's the second time i was late this week. i can't be late again this whole month or else i'll get slightly into trouble. which i don't want. i really want to get the job over in majors. really really. so i got ridiculed (deservingly) for my error. i didn't take it very well though because i just felt stupid about coming in late like that. there's nothing better when you're not having a good time at work than griping to a coworker about how you're not enjoying work. they almost always have their own imput as to why working sucks today. i really do like my job, i was just under unfortunate circumstances.
so i trudged through the long day, all the while wanted to take a nap. the only thing that saved the workday from being awful was twin 6 year olds. a boy and a girl. their eyes looked identical, it was cool. but the boy grabbed his sister's hair and pulled it out to the sides and said "look, you've got horns!" and then the girl did the same to her brother at the same time and said "look, you have horns too!" and then they laughed uncontrollably for 3 minutes straight. and i laughed right along with them. i couldn't help it, it was just pure, ridiculous, innocent joy and it was contagious. i couldn't stop laughing as long as they were still giigling it was a really great moment. the girl kept pulling her brother's head toward her and kissing his face, all while laughing. so so good.
my day turned up from there. bought a printer/scanner for $50 and got some groceries. came home and emo and nick had made pancakes, tater tots, and sausage for dinner and they said i could have what was leftover. watched shawshank redemption (but i missed the beginning because i always miss the beginning of movies in this house). i started uploading a bunch of videos i never took off my camera. AJ messaged me saying he is getting an amp head for me from a friend of his who doesn't use it. (!) it might not be in working condition but we'll find out and proceed accordingly.
and now i'm going to go to bed. i've been waiting for this moment since i woke up. i'll leave you with some of the videos i uploaded though. good times.
listening to: Dub Trio - just a stream of their songs
and it could be true, cuz your soul burns blue with red-yellow hues threading lines through the sky, spearing light in my eyes hearing hearts and their cries
and i'm getting a clue cuz your souls burning true. ---------
i'm sick of always falling for the girl that first shows interest in me. when it's over i feel like it wasn't my choice, like i got swept away. i'm not doing it anymore. it's over.
because this time i've seen a fire. and whether or not i am able to get close enough to feel it instead of just see it, i'll know what one looks like.
no more compromise. only what's best. don't let me be swayed.
first, thank you AJ for this: " For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." -Colossians 1:9-14
since i copy/pasted that verse, i just spent like an hour doing a bunch of other stuff and i forgot about what i originally intended to write about. al i can think of is the metal version of the inspector gadget theme. so good!
ok, back on track.
recently, i interjected myself into a conversation on a blog that talks about Christianity and God and that good stuff. i asked a question about the nature of hell. after asking it and getting a response, i realized i don't really know where my own views on it came from. very interestingly enough, i read something fascinating that was a result of a link an anonymous poster provided to try make a point about God forcing people into a place of infinite pain and torture. the original site i ended up at was http://what-the-hell-is-hell.com/. that then lead to http://www.tentmaker.org/articles/jesusteachingonhell.html
the second link is a long read. i'm not finished with it yet. but it posits that the common notion of hell is incorrect compared with what the Bible talks of. it claims that the hell as we tend to know it today was a concept put forth by the Roman Catholic church. it makes a case for most of the "proof" of hell's features/characteristics/nature come from a translation of the word "hell" that wasn't used the right way. i wish I knew where i first heard the word/term Gehenna used. it might have been in Velvet Elvis, but I'll have to go look. the idea i have of hell goes hand in hand with the idea i have of heaven. i think i'm taking my view mainly from what Velvet Elvis put forth about heaven. Heaven is not necessarily a place we will all be whisked away to once we die. Heaven is God coming to redeem the Earth, to be with those who choose and love Him. the story has always been God coming to His people. In Eden, God came and walked in the garden, calling for Adam and Eve. God had his people build a temple, the tabernacle, as a place for Him to live among them. God sent Jesus down to earth. Heaven is a place where things are how God intends them to be. Hell is opposite of that. It's a place devoid of joy and hope and peace. A place ruled my men, in their worst of fallen states. Or more yet, ruled by Satan and the angels that follow him. There would be torture, yes, there would be pain and suffering in a place like that. The image i get in my head is of an apocalyptic, war-torn, desolate place. scattered fires still burn, the sky is stained red. perhaps that's an image i have as a result of movies, but it's what i think of.
wether or not the view of hell's nature is correct as put forth in that website, it's still something that i'm finding incredibly fascinating to consider.
on a much less theological note. i bought groceries today and i couldn't be happier about that. i ate delicious sandwhiches. i called my dad. i had class today. i need to buy books. i need to learn a song for church. i need to read. oh yes, i want to read.
hm... i should have tried to get myself into a better sleeping schedule for school..... whoops.
i need a bike lock asap so i can ride my bike to school. mayhaps tomorrow i'll get one. shoot... i don't want to deal with parking tomorrow though. ugh. i like like 10 minutes from school but dealing with parking will probably turn 10 minutes into a half hour. do i risk loss of my bike? i can't. OH WAIT!
i just remembered i have a lock. like a locker kind of lock. and i think i've got some chain around here somewhere.... yeah that might seem strange. yesssss i found it! i kinda used to use it as a belt for a short period of time. heh. eheh. hah.
whelp, so much for paying for a bike lock. score!
ok, i'm transferring all my stuff to a more biking-friendly backpack. sweet. school should go ok. cya.
it's funny. listening to blink 182 almost always makes me want to get up and go. go do something. be energetic. they were good at what they did. they owned their genre. i can respect that.
i want to make music real bad. jamming again today, soon. like 15 minutes. i need to prepare for going to class tomorrow. i totally plan on riding my bike to and from school while the weather allows it. it takes me about the same amount of time as driving. but i don't have to pay for gas or parking, and i don't have to wait to get a parking spot, which usually takes a while. so i'm glad i realized this today. but i need a bike lock first, maybe i'll pick one up tonight. exciting! i like biking a lot. i trace this back to riding bikes until like 3am with rich, adam, alex, whitney and john. a good night indeed. i'll never forget my first tandem ride with rich. mmmm...
i've already been bike riding and had chinese food today. so it's a good day so far. no signs of stopping.
yeah. i think we all do it because we want to be known. we want to be open and known and accepted.
i know i can't just be speaking for myself.
that's really all i wanted to say, but suddenly i feel like going over my day.
slept for like 10 hours. woke up at noon when alex called. rummaged around the house for a bit, went to brian's and jammed for alex/brian/scott. really good, i like playing with them a lot. brian is just so good at guitar. typically and historically i get a sort of superiority complex about people who are better than me at things i want to be good at. music has been a topic of such feelings in me. i feel like i was that way at first after meeting brian, but now it's all cool and i only have respect and admiration. the ideas or thoughts that lead me to the rivalry feelings are stupid anway. learned how to play Munchkin today. fantastic game.
left that jam session to attend one at my house with scott and tyler. that went pretty well. we'll need to work on things. actually, that's what we want mostly, things to work on. material to start with and have a goal in mind. here's hoping we do well, heh.
i feel like the first jam today went a lot... smoother than the second. maybe it's because we weren't setting out to accomplish anything except music. we weren't aiming for a song, just something to play. having a drummer probably helped a lot too. there were at least 2 things we played that really stuck out to me as being something that could end up as a really cool song. i think brian plays a big part in that too because of his general knowledge of music and what sounds good. that's how i feel at least. and i like how alex's brain works on bass and creating things. and i feel like we like all the right music. muahaha.
after the jamming i went to applebees with tyler, scott and miranda and had good food. after the meal i started bouncing my straw into my cup again, then we got an idea. try to bounce a straw into a beer bottle. wow. it took at least a half hour, but we did it. WE DID IT. tyler gets more props, he made it in twice before i made it in once, then tyler made it in again i think. but really, it was so epic. people looked when it happened, we drew a crowd (kind of). when it happened i stood up and cheered a little. the bartender looked over and asked if one of us made it in. haha.
then i went to hang out with Lauren. i had the distinct honor and duty of taking care of the her recently departed fish. it was a sad moment as i plucked it out of it's position floating in the middle of the tank, and then gave it the final flush. be brave Lauren, you'll move on. it's a starting anew kind of day. so we hung out and had good talks about good things and it was good. then went over to E4 and watched punk drunk love. wow that movie was just full of awkward. i felt uncomfortable watching it because i was afraid everything in it was going to go wrong with the guy and nothing would be resolved. actually, not a lot was resolved... but i'm going to try not to think about it too much.
came home, here i am, and i only have one question. how did it get to be 3am?
