that lasts

listening to: Thrice - Digging My Own Grave



i went back to the house i used to live in, the house my family used to live in. i sifted through piles of memories, trying to decide which to keep and which to leave behind. i brought back a box of things i didn't want to forget yet. as i left the room that used to be mine, i stopped at the doorway, looking in. i said "there's nothing left here that i need." to another room i told, "i am leaving nothing that i cannot live without." and then i went out into the driveway and kicked a soccer ball around, bouncing it on the pavement like i used to. kicking it into the basketball hoop like i used to. the peaceful family dog was content to lay in the shade and watch me. it's that last time i'll ever do that there. and it felt... really peaceful to do it again.

doing things feels different when you know it's the last time you'll be doing it. i think we far too often don't know when that last will come though. how many conversations might have gone differently if the conversers knew it would be the last time they spoke to each other, either by choice or circumstance?

sorting through my memories, i came across something i had forgotten about. it was from a long while ago, middle school or real early high school. i was... cruel to some one, a friend. i don't want to tell you what i did because i'm afraid of what you would think of me. i was so young then, but i still feel shadows of that self sometimes. i need to find this person and apologize. i was so childish.

but now there's even more stuff in my room here. i found some funny things that i'll try to photograph sometime soon and share. for one, i kept a note a girl gave me because it was the most exquisitely folded piece of paper i had ever received. i still find it impressive. the girl wanted to tell me that my birthday was the same day that she was supposed to be born on. that and she wanted me to go to homecoming because she wanted to dance with me. i don't think i ever did go.

i'm up too late again for having to go to class in the morning.
ah well, so is life.

i'm not sad, i'm just tired.