staring at my reflection

listening to: Thrice - For Miles
This song is fantastic. Thrice is always my favorite.


this is post #200. i couldn't think of anything special to do for it. so you'll now get some introspection brought on by meta cognition. i've been thinking about this for a while.

i can be a very defensive and argumentative person. those that know me fairly well probably don't know this. those that know me very well probably know this quite well. after thinking about this part of me on many different occasions on many different days, i think i've come to a conclusion on why i am this way.

it's because i think i'm smarter. because i think i know better. i will argue with somebody and when they argue back i will get defensive and most likely angry. and it's because i think i know more than they do. this is egotistical, obviously.

even if i don't know better, i will still sometimes try to argue a point. one moment that stands out to me a lot, because afterwards i realized how absurd i was being. the marines have commercials where at the end of the video, a marine will hold up a sword in front of his face and then twist it to show either the flat or the edge of the blade (i can't remember which). Nick, holding a sword, demonstrated this maneuver from the commercial, and i said "no, isn't it the other way around? don't you hold the sword a different way and then turn it?"
and i had absolutely no clue as to how it was supposed to be done. i just blurted out a contradictory statement to what nick had done, for no other reason than to be contradictory and therefore seem like i knew better.

this was caught on video. i was holding the camera as nick did this and when i was watching the video i heard myself make the comment about the sword twist, and i knew that at the time i said it i had no idea which was the right way.

another instance. kelley gave me directions to her house the first time i went out there. i also had directions from the internet. once i got close to her place, i called and said i was almost there. she gave me some more specific directions and as i listened to her i noticed she was giving me a different route than the map showed. all the while saying "yeah, yup, ok" i was ignoring what she was saying because i had the map and therefore i knew better. i actually got slightly lost and had to call her again...
there were far too many frustrating moments between her and i, and i think it came from me saying or thinking contradictory things to what she said. all i can think of as a reason for that now is that i wanted to be right, and if i said something different, then maybe that would make me right. stupid. just stupid. that girl was more right about more things than anybody else i knew. and i liked that, but some part of me rebelled against it. pride, or something equally meaningless like that.

i think i only act this way with people i know well. friends. but it's absolutely ridiculous.

of course now that i've identified this within myself, i need to change it. i need to be more humble. i don't honestly believe that i know more than everybody else. a lot of times i feel like i have more sense than most though. but really, i cannot continue to act this way with loved ones. it's simply destructive.

if you catch me doing this, please pull me aside and tell me. i might get defensive about it, but i will assuredly thank you later.

i just want to love. be more loving and understanding. i don't want to feel the need to be "right."