like it was

now i'm in familiar territory. this feeling is where i was before. before the bright lights, late nights, yesterdog, gun shots, that wii.

it's been easier than i thought, letting it go. of course maybe that's because once i opened my hand i fully realized that there wasn't anything in my grasp anyway.

but i think now i can say that i need some space. space, what i was so afraid of. space is empty, alone, cold... just what it needs to be sometimes. tuesday will be a brutal crash test, i almost wish to avoid it. it's sad that i feel like some of my friendships are now diminished because they're no longer channeled through her.

it is good, so good, to finally have a direction. here is the path, i am taking it. i'll glance over my shoulder for only a little longer, some part of me wishing to see a friendly face waving back, whether in hello or goodbye. maybe the path will bend and stop me from such things. i don't know where the road leads, but the important part is that i'm on it, that's what matters.

my problem hasn't been doing something, it's been deciding what to do. i can do anything once i decide to do it, but sometimes i'm really bad at deciding. now i found out what i needed to know, and i'm walking.

this is the part that is maybe the most upsetting for me. how will i ever be able to tell if a girl is "the best" or just "the best so far." i failed this time. it was only by God's grace through her that
it ended. i don't think i would have done it myself. but, there then is my answer i suppose. God's grace. I can't figure it out on my own. My own will isn't going to lead me to the right person, I need to follow God's plan. I'll have to trust that God will show me somehow if i'm doing it wrong, like He did this time.

i'm at least five times more determined to do things right next time. the bar for quality has been raised 700%. now that i know there's more, i won't settle for less. maybe that's the most important thing to remember.

-oh, and today went great with my grandparent's anniversary. saw lots of family, including my two cousins that live in oklahoma, it was really nice. family is love. the song i wrote for the occasion was warmly received. a video will probably be forthcoming sometime soon. we'll see.

peace be with us all.

this is the path

eff it. i use too many words.

consider it forgiven.
thanks for the memories.

i'm walking away.

fork in the road

i need to talk to someone, or multiple someones, about what to do.
my oh my.
let's keep our heads shall we?

today i started writing the song for my grandparent's anniversary. it's gonna be a cute little number about being together with someone. i like it. i think you'll like it too.

tomorrow we shall see how much catharsis i can accomplish. it's the first concert on my list of them for the coming months. it shall be metal. i will be dancing. it will be intense. we'll see if i get hurt or not. so far the worst concert related injuries i've had haven't been too damaging. there's been the failed stage dive, the kick in the head, and the extremely random punch in the stomach. i'm going to try to make it out to bowling after the concert, but i doubt i'll do any bowling myself. who knows how late i'll be done dancing? heh.
ooh, and i'm buying tickets for the fall of troy tomorrow, exciting!

i tagged along with emo and femi to meijers and the hookah lounge. tyler was at the lounge, i talked to him for a bit. then suddenly that one song came on there, the one that goes "grab my last request and just let me hold you, don't shrug your shoulders, lay down beside me." i don't remember the name of it or who it's by, bu i certainly remember that song.

i think before going to bed i'm going to see about writing a little more music, then finishing up A Grief Observed. tonight i'll end with a youtube video. A song called Death Rides a Horse by Russian Cirlces. i don't think the band uses any lyrics or singing. the first 1:25 of the video is just like... ambient noise and then it breaks into what is my favorite song by them. good stuff, the guitarist is quite talented.



i do believe it's time to start facing things i've been afraid of. one by one i've been knocking down fears, and i think i need to go find answers to questions that scare me to think of. like i read in A Grief Observed the other day, the idea of something bad/painful/scary is often worse than the actual thing. Gods got my back.

The Spiteful Fruit

"When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it."

Are we destined to repeat the mistakes of our ancestors?
Oh, I know I have eaten the fruit on my own,
my will brought me to that place.
What heartache! What vacancy of soul it has wrought.
The fruit was pleasing to the eye, my deceitful eyes,
and it was not bitter! No, it was sweet,
it was sustenance, it was filling,
but it left me more empty than full.

Oh blue eyes, how I long for your stare!
I despair to imagine their gaze on another.
I was Adam, again standing by.
Not standing strong, standing off.
I am as much to blame.
Sister, forgive me for not standing for you.
This Spiteful Fruit had been the Fall,
and in truth, still spins my insides.
--------------------------------------------

will i not listen to my own words? jarrod, sometimes you say things that are smart, why don't you recognize your own advice?
"sometimes to cauterize is to heal best"
i wrote it, but i've failed to see the truth in it for me.
time to see if i can practice what i preach. or something.

blessed

praise God!

today went so well! so amazingly well compared to how it felt when i woke up this morning.

the meeting with my adviser went fantastic. i don't have to take the class i was stressing over. i'm so so so soooo glad about that. i've almost got my class schedule finished being set up, i should have that done tomorrow. i think i'll be taking 6 classes next semester, which is kind of a lot, at least for me. that's what... 18 credits? i've never taken that much before. two of the classes are online though, so i won't have to be in a class at a certain time for that. we shall see.
i dunno if i'll be having an internship this summer or not. but i'm not stressing over it anymore. i've still got more checking out to do about it, so we'll see. i just need to pray about everything.

but oh, what a blessing i was handed... i'm so grateful.

and i had two soccer games tonight. i love soccer. i twisted my ankle a bit again, but i can deal with that. it's such fun.

i kind of want to start posting things that i see online that i like. it probably won't be consistent, and all i can think of is youtube videos atm, but oh well.

i'd like to present Miyavi's song Kekkonshiki no Uta/Wedding March.
the video is here, the translated lyrics are below.



- Miyavi - Kekkonshiki no Uta/Wedding March -
The song of congratulations I send to you as you begin your journey
Is a song of parting to say thank you to you whom I loved.

If I could be born again,
I bet I would have my chance... just kidding (laughs)
Until that day, bridegroom, I'll take a rain check on our duel.

There will probably be times when you disagree,
And some nights you'll probably fight.
But as long as you're together
You'll never be lonely, right? Right?

Congratulations, this is the song I send to you.
Thanks for all the memories we had together.

Of course you look beautiful,
You're the one I fell in love with, you know (laughs)
It irritates me how well that suits you, but...
Really, you look beautiful.

All the happy memories I had with you,
And the painful memories where all we did was fight,
Now they're all a lovely sepia color.
I'll quietly bid you farewell with my tears.

I won't have a chance to say it anymore, but
It's still locked away deep in my heart.
What I couldn't tell you before - I love you.

No matter what, never forget
The day we first met.
If you two ever fight,
Just remember our first date (laughs)

I'll say it just one more time, congratulations.

Virgin road
The way before you now
Is the wedding march you will take together.
Have fights on good terms
"I hope you'll be happy"
...and hope he won't cheat on you (laughs)

PS: Give my regards to the baby you'll have someday.
And you'd better not let him call me "uncle".
-------------------------------
very pleasant song on it's own. it takes on a different feeling when you know what the words mean, heh. the translation for the song comes from some one named Becky at the Taiji Project.
she does translations for songs and i think she has some fansubs too. i felt that i should credit her with the work she did.

and here's where i stop for the night. i've got some reading to do and i thinking that's going to put me to sleep for the evening. fare well, wherever you may fare.

a change of pace

i'm sitting in the lab at school.

i've got my guitar in my lap.
i'm listening to Justice - Phantom Pt II
cool.

i took my guitar to school today to help me write music for the flash game i'm working on. it's turning out dece. this morning sucked at first. from the moment i woke up, i was nervous/anxious/worried/discontent. then i realized i have this important meeting with my adviser today and i felt worse. i talked to kelley and alex and i started feeling a bit better. but i actually layed face down on my bed with the pillow over my head, and cried and prayed. then i got up and got ready for school.

right before i left though, i saw scuba steve sign on to aim. i suddenly had the urge to check his blog. i did, and even though it made me a little late for class, i watched a video he had posted there last week. it totally changed my day. it was about... well, i'll just link it in.

Lover In The Snow


it inspired me. i saw him with his dream of playing soccer, something that i love, and his dream was impossible to him. then suddenly it wasn't impossible anymore, and he chased after it hard. it gave me what i needed today to walk out the door confident in myself today. whatever happens to me with school, jobs, internships or whatever, it doesn't define who i am. if my worst fears right now about school come true, if i have to take the class i dread, if i don't get an internship or if i have to move away, it's not going to change who i am. i am still Jarrod.

so thanks steve.
sometimes you'd be surprised how something so small that you did, for whatever insignificant reason, can have a profound effect on another person.

i want to post this video too, because i love this song right now, and the video is entertaining.
enjoy Phantom Pt. II by JUSTICE

joy

tonight was one of the best times of my life. i'm not exaggerating.
such joy!

playing music was SO good. i loved it so much. i didn't want to stop, i wanted to play songs all night long. i felt so good, so alive, and i was playing it for God. his house ran a little differently today, with stations set up around the room and people were free to move about doing whatever they wished, and the band just played songs during it. it was freeing actually, not having the entire room standing and singing along, looking in your direction but not exactly at you. i played around more with the music, threw in an extra note/chord or two and just generally rocked out as best i could. i pretended to be like thomas erak, haha. i thought i was maybe going to break a string, i was really playing hard. worship is so awesome, and it's even more awesome for me when i'm playing the music, i'm so blessed that i get to do that.

there was so much joy in me. while playing my guitar, the joy swallowed all sorrow i could have possibly had. i want to be able to do this as much and for as long as possible.

after hh a handful of people went to lauren's to watch Across the Universe. i did enjoy that movie. on the drive home i sung my little heart out to my own music, it was fun. i like those people.

i'm meeting with my adviser tomorrow to see about what classes i still need to take, as well as talk about internships and the chance of me getting to skip out on a class that i really really don't want to take. i'll need to pray for that hardcore.

some things are better left unsaid. i'd do well to remember that sometimes.

bleh, i'm winding down from all the fun and excitement of tonight. i think i should crawl in bed before i crash.
farewell.

the subject of outpouring

does pouring everything out here or elsewhere help?
will i eventually run dry? (is it a good or bad thing if i do?)
or will i continue to empty myself, but never be empty?

if i could bring myself to be angry with you
and then if i would manage to yell at you
i would yell at you for ruining everything.

i would scream "it's your fault!"
it's your fault.
your fault that everything is less without you
your fault that the moments without you are inferior to the ones with
your fault days are dimmer, diminished, derelict when minus you

that's all i have to be angry about.
-------------------------------------------

i feel that last night's ramblings were an accurate and also inaccurate assessment of myself. some of it may be largely a result of my mood and sleepiness at the time. oh well.

i think i'm picking a path for myself. i talked to rich about it, and he seems to think it's an ok way to go. no further comments on it, but i'm going to see how it works out. i'll start the game myself, my own rules. ready, set, go.

i need to get busy. the nature of my homework this semester is really lax and free. i have stuff to do, but very little in the way of due dates to complete the stuff by. i need to start really working on things, and that starts this week. hopefully. haha.
i wish i could hang out, hang around here with everybody that i have so much fun with. i want time to slow up, i want to wait around here to be with them. but i can't do that. if i wait around, then i'll be left when everybody else moves on. i need to keep moving too. i'd like to express total agreement with kelley's idea that all our friends should live in a community together so we won't have to leave each other. if only.

i'm reading C.S. Lewis' book, A Grief Observed. i have to return my two other books to the library because i've had them too long. perhaps i'll get them back again soon. but anyway, i bought this Lewis book randomly while at work one day. i saw it sitting with the other books, and i just picked it up and bought it. it's mostly things he journaled and his thoughts while dealing with the loss of his wife. he married her while they both knew full well that she had cancer and would die. they had 4 years together as husband and wife, that's all. it's sad. the book is very short, i'll have it done soon i think. the value of this book i think is coming to me from seeing this great, great man struggle. seeing him go through this, questioning things and basically fighting with his own thoughts and feelings... it's comforting to see that somebody else goes through tough times too. part of this is why i feel like i should continue to "struggle out loud" here. i have no idea how many people read these words. i'm always surprised when somebody mentions something about this little collection of my thoughts. but if even just one person sees that i'm admitting that my life isn't full of roses alone, that there are thorns as well, and they see that i'm not ignoring the thorns, i'm facing them... and if that gives this one person any sort of encouragement, it's been worth my time.
i've felt the relief of seeing and therefore really knowing that others wrestle with feelings like i do.
so. see jarrod run. see jarrod trip and fall. see jarrod stand up again, even if it means tripping some more. i hope that's what it looks like haha.

i hope i don't look like i think i'm more important than i am. just...
to share and be shared to. that's what i want.

evening most glorious (and goals)

well, on the drive home tonight, i decided that i know what makes me feel Alive and not just living.

his house band practice was so good. soooo good! playing guitar was so incredibly fun tonight. the songs were awesome, i was singing, i was playing, i felt great. it doesn't get any better than times like those.

what makes me feel alive?
it's the music in my soul
it's the songs that don't sound the same without your voice
it's the expression of joy and passion through instruments
it's the friends i love

music is so awesome. i'm so incredibly blessed that i've been given the talent and ability to play it myself. i never want to quit playing/writing/creating/loving music. practice to me tonight was perfection.

on to something else.

i don't have solid goals for my life. i think.
the fact that i'm not sure if i have goals means that i probably don't.

here is what i can think of that i want at some point in my life (in order they come to mind, not order of importance):
- Play a show at a venue, on a stage, playing songs i wrote or helped to write
- Marry and have a family
- Write something that gets published
- Make a game that people want to play
- Do God's will for my life.

now wait a second. i might as well stop at this point in the list, because after stating that I want to do God's will for my life, the other things that I want fall to the side. If God intends for me to stay single and celibate for my whole life, then so be it (but please no...). If i'm never meant for more in music than playing in church and jamming with friends, then i can be happy in that. My own life and the direction it goes isn't of the utmost importance to me. It's the living that happens on the way that i care more about. I do worry about things sometimes, but ultimately much of it is out of my hands. I just pray about it and see how things turn out, and so far i've led a pretty blessed life. ridiculously blessed at times it seems. so i don't think i'm doing things that are wrong for my life.
i really doubt this is something that works for everybody. i'm really a "go with the flow" kind of person. it works for me. it doesn't mean that i don't do anything, just to clear that up.

motivation is kinda tricky for me, i've learned. i'm not so good at doing things for myself, even if it's something that's good for me. when i'm doing something for somebody else, that's when i get into it more. i'm happy making other people happy. in retrospect, maybe that's why the relationship with fran lasted longer than it should have. she spent a lot of time being unhappy, but there were those times when i would make her happy and it would make me happy as well. that's how i stayed hooked, i concocted the addiction and swallowed it too. maybe that's what nick is doing, but that's a whole 'nother discussion.

i think this lack of major concern about the direction i'm heading in adds to the fact that i'm quite changeable/flexible/adaptive. without my own desire for a shape, i mold myself into other things easily. i think that this will help me to accept the path God has planned for me when it's revealed to me.

do i sound crazy? if i look at this a certain way, i think i see myself saying that i'm unmotivated (therefore lazy), i don't have a definite idea of my own identity, and i base my happiness on other people. but i don't think that's true. maybe part of this is my sleepiness talking.

if things start taking turns for the worse, i guess i'll re-evaluate my strategy. but the saying "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" is a pretty solid argument for some things. some things.

yep, i'm climbing into bed. goodnight to you.

milestone?

so my last post there just so happened to be my 50th post.
pretty intense.
i'm happy with my consistency in writing. i try to put something down every day and just make it a habit. making it part of my winding down routine for the evening helps. although if you check the timestamps on the bottom of my posts you'll see what time the end of my "evening" usually is. often past 1 am. also often past 2 am. and not too uncommonly, past 3.

so i stay up late. *shrug*

woke up this morning, hit the snooze on my alarm, then got up when round two of the violent digital alarm clock noise went off. nick and i went to church and had a pretty nice breakfast, then had band practice, sunday school, then church service. brian richards is doing some graphic design work for our church, and i could tell when i saw it that it was his doing. he does good stuff, for sure.
went home and had lunch with the family + nick. good lunch. i was happy to not have to work today, i got to hang out at home longer. oh, i got to do an easter egg hunt! i totally didn't expect it. well, it wasn't really an "egg" hunt, it was more of a "candy" hunt. but it was fun, i haven't done something like that in quite a while.

well, i'm feeling like taking a nap, but i have to fill out my fafsa first. i finally got the tax info from my parents to finish things up. i really really really hope that i'm going to get a good deal of financial aid for this next semester. if at all possible, i would love to avoid going farther in on loans.

so, gameplan: fafsa, reading, (while i'm reading i'm sure to get sleepy) so nap until band practice later on.

i'm thinking of writing a song based off of the words "sea of memories." i want to use the imagery associated with that short phrase. something about a shipwreck too. i made up some words while at work yesterday, i wonder if i can remember how they went...

i was sailing in a sea of memories,
the blue-green waters filled with thoughts of you and me.
but if found that i came ill-equipped
and now i'm stranded on a ship
a sinking mast, as i hold fast, to all my past

yeah i think that's about what i thought of before. when i make up lyrics i usually imagine somebody else's voice singing them. for some reason i thought of jack johnson on this one. i was trying to think of a song with a more mellow feel to it, and jack seemed to fit that tone quite well. it's a shame that words alone can't convey the melody of the lyrics. maybe someday i'll record my voice for these kinds of things.

until next time, farewell.

my eyes burn from these tears

and these tears are because i don't know how to blink properly while playing video games sometimes. haha.

but srsly... it burns.

good day. guitar, class schedule, work, hang with emily/lauren, yesterdog, then smash with nick/emo/twinkie/john/casey.

good times.
i'm so tired.
this is all for tonight.
sleep well kids.

snow?!

ugh.
ugh ugh.
it snowed today, a whole lot.
yesterday it was sunny and moderately (comparatively) warm outside, and today it was overcast and snowed all afternoon on into the evening. gross. i want the sun back, i want the warmth back, pleeeaaaassseeee.

woke up and went to work. worked an 8 hour shift instead of 5 because they asked if i could. why yes, i would like to get a bigger paycheck, thanks much! i think i'm going to call tomorrow morning to see if they want me to come in early to help. it's going to be super busy and they asked me before if i wanted to work more hours this saturday.

but today i got paid, and praise the Lord, i now have money. spare money. it feels good.

i am so hoping that i get a good sized tax return. i've been looking at guitar pedals.
1. footswitch board for my amp. 4 channels with a volume/wah pedal and tuner built in. $100. i've wanted a switch board for a while, and this will be awesome.
2. Loop pedal. i would love to be able to play something like a simple chord progression and then have it loop for me to practice riffs/soloing over it.
3. big muff usa pi distortion/sustainer pedal. recommended by kellen. i've read good things about it, and Thomas Erak uses it.... haha so i think it's worth it.

so i want those in that order, and i also really want the microkorg synth. that would be fun to play with. west's friend said he'd sell me his mircokorg for $300. it's $400 new. if i've got the funds, i think i'm going to take him up on the offer. yay musical instruments!

mm i'm sleepy.
today was good.
my best friend might be taking a big step in his life. i hope he steps well.
no, not just hope, i pray he does.
you should pray for him too.

goodnight.
--------------------------------------
i just learned about this and wanted to tack it on to this post.

C.S. Lewis married a woman whom he knew had cancer. she died 4 years after they married. i really would have liked to be able to meet him, he is an incredibly remarkable man.

shawty

as the title implies, this one will be short.
i think.

today while at work i came up with this quote:
"facebook gives us the terrible ability to know what all our friends are doing without us"

i say this matter-of-factly. you're sitting at home on the computer, looking at facebook, and you can read people's walls and see their pictures. you see where they have been and what they are going to do and you aren't involved, you're just viewing.

some aspects of facebook are bad for me. i like knowing things about people, sometimes i'm nosy. if somebody handed me their diary/journal, i would devour it. i don't think it's a desire for something like gossip, but sharing inner thoughts/feelings/secrets is what makes me feel close to somebody else, and i want to feel close to people. i think part of that want is why i do this blog. i desire to be devoured. i also think that it's easy to see some of not many of my faults spilled out onto these posts, and i'd like it if somebody saw all my imperfections and downfalls and thought i was pretty alright despite them.

but yeah, facebook. it's easy to feel left out. it doesn't matter when you don't know what other people are doing. before, you could always call them to see what's up. now you can check their status or away message without ever communicating with that person. you see they're busy with something else and you give up contacting them at that point. if you had called them, maybe you'd have found they were just finishing up some work, or they were hanging out with people and then you'd possibly get invited also. in breaking the barriers of communication, we almost break part of communication itself.
or maybe it's just me? i could be one of the few who act this way at all.


nothing super interesting happened today. philosophy class was good like usual. i had a sweet pasta stir-fry thing for lunch. found out ferris doesn't have classes today or tomorrow for Easter, so i went home, read, took a nap, uploaded a video and went to work. came home, filmed video for emo's project, played some smash bros with the guys, and here i am, about ready to sleep.

i get paid tomorrow. yessssss. i need to pay for:
credit card
soccer
gvsu parking ticket (lamesauce)
rent/cable
well, really, i need to make sure i hold $300 for rent. i'm hoping my check is pretty significant, but i won't know until tomorrow. i'm also going to need money to start picking up concert tickets. hm... i think i could get by eating a little less than usual this week..... haha.

i can't wait for the warm/sunny weather to come and stay for a while. i want to do something workout related. there's a field with soccer goals like 1 block from my house, i think i'm going to take a soccer ball out there and run around or something. i figure if i'm going to work out outside, i might as well be making myself better at soccer at the same time. maybe i should have a workout/training partner. we'll see when the time comes.

i guess this wasn't that short after all. heh.

life is blessed. goodnight.

so tired, so good

i played in 3 soccer games tonight.
1 i played in goal the whole time
1 i played field half
and the other i played in the field the whole game.

i'm tired, i bled, i tweaked my ankle, and i'm sure i'll have bruises in the morning.
i love it. it was so much fun and feels so good.
the pain doesn't matter, it's all in the rush. my side still stings, but i don't even care.
i love the battle. makes me feel more alive
my dad came and watched a bit of 2 games, it was nice that he came.
i like my dad, and the rest of my family too.

me and 2 other guys made a movie today that's due tomorrow.
we waited until the last minute, but i'm pretty happy with how it turned out.
we had to make a short movie based on a poem.
the poem was A Poison Tree by William Blake:

I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe;
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I water'd it in fears,
Night & morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with my smiles
And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright;
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine,

And into my garden stole
When the night had veil'd the pole:
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretch'd beneath the tree

-----

see? a pro poet wrote in 4 stanzas of 4 lines each, like i do sometimes.

copy/pasting that into here threw off my line spacing format somehow. meh.

i'm working on a cure for my condition. i'm recognizing the reasons for my recurring lapses into recession. i can play the part of patience, i plan to participate in productivity. i absolutely adore alliteration.

playing soccer and playing guitar make me feel so good about everything. if making games doesn't come to that point, then I know it's not for me. but i think it will be, it's fun right now.

oh, sometime in the (hopefully) near future, nick and i are going to do a quick hxc/metal cover of a church song, i'm thinking "nothing but the blood." it sounds like it could be a metal title anyway. i'm excited for it. jamming with nick is fun. we should have more musician's in the house.... get on that emo. and congrats to emo on almost definitely landing an internship for himself! it's not final yet, but things look good. also speaking of internships, kelley said her second interview went great today and she should know in like a week if she's going to have the job/internship. i'm really happy for her, she'll rock at it. i am still waiting to hear again from.... anybody. but i've totally got things to look forward to this summer if there's no internship involved. i just need to keep praying about everything.

here's 4 lines for tonight:

play me some piano music
sing me to sleep tonight
the lullaby of your breath and mine
is all i need for life

goodnight dears.

you know this makes you stronger

i frustrate myself sometimes.

i want to pray that i'll just forget.
would that one be answered?

what hardest is seeing life go on, and being able to picture myself still involved there. i would be along for the ride if things were still the same, and i would love it.

i can't keep getting hung up on this though.
wrong direction, too quickly.
i need to remember that.

i'm good at playing the waiting game, as long as i know that i'm playing it.
am i now?
time, you are ruthless and never give up your secrets until they come to pass.

speaking of time, today i read about the theory of warp drives (yeah, star trek) and how it's related to the space/time continuum. i thought it was fascinating. i relearned about how time is actually relative to a person. funny thing is, we talked about that today in philosophy class also.
the faster you are going, the slower time moves for you. scientists sent an atomic clock into space and it came back with a time behind that of atomic clocks kept here. time slowed down for the clock. that's nuts!

this makes it easier, in my opinion, to argue that God operates on a level independent of time. if time were a line drawn on paper, God would be the paper the line was drawn on. He can know the past, present and future because he is outside the influence of it. just because God knows that a thing will happen or a person will make a certain choice doesn't mean that He caused it to happen or forced that choice to be made. interesting.

Praise God for music and how it makes me feel better. Nick and I are writing a worship song and it's coming along nicely. we've got an intro, chorus and first verse written with lyrics and all. the music is almost finished because a lot of it is repeated in other verses and such. i'm really happy to be able to do this with Nick. we want to see about playing this song in church sometime, and Nick is playing guitar with me on it, so we'll need a bassist....(*cough* Alex *cough*) :)

after jamming i got into a religious argument via youtube comments on a video. some guy randomly commented "70% of Christians say they struggle with pornography in their daily lives"
whether or not it's true isn't really my concern. somebody responded to him saying things like "where did you get your facts, where did that survey come from, i don't struggle with it."
i felt the need to put in my own response, chiming in with some of what we talked about at His House today. i said that Christians aren't perfect, did he expect them to be? there was more to it, but that was the basic idea. We're imperfect but we're trying. the naysayer commented back saying how god made us with a sex drive so we're supposed to use it, and went on about how he likes to masturbate and it's healthy. i replied basically with "we're called to live differently than the rest of the world. we have free choice to follow God or not follow him, no matter what our sinful nature entices us to do. he didn't respond back. the guy who was questioning the facts of the 70% was going about the "argument" all the wrong way. he made a couple more comments that were just challenging and defensive. it's exactly what the naysayer wanted, to get a rise out of somebody.
when you are having a discussion as a group of people, sometimes there's people on your side of the argument that you wish were not.

so tonight is over and i'm still feeling a tad bit frustrated with my own mind. this is new to me, i'm still figuring out what to do.
medicine is bitter. what's good for you doesn't always go down easy.
blech, i dislike medicine.

i need to be praying more consistently. i start thinking i'm doing just fine and then i fall back into something like earlier tonight.

this just occurred to me. (i'm not going to use names) i have a friend that's about to face the difficult task of breaking up with his girlfriend. he knows it needs to be done, and he's going to do it, but i don't envy the loneliness that i know he's going to feel for a while. maybe i'm struggling through my issues so i'll be better able to understand what he's going through, and i can be there for him. i sure feel like i'll be able to be there and be understanding for somebody.

teach me, God. let me learn what I need to know, and be with me through my dark walks. show me where to turn when i've gotten so dizzy that i don't know which direction to go in. Amen.

Dustin Kensrue is my role model

Dustin Kensrue, lyricist and lead singer of Thrice, is hereby my role model/hero/superhero.

I've been reading about him today, and that's the conclusion i came to.

Thought I had always kind of guessed that he was probably a Christian, i was never sure until today. he's got a bible verse in herbrew tattooed on his left wrist. so many of his songs contain biblical themes and stories. he loves C.S. Lewis and his books. he is such a cool guy.

today i also found out that he has a KID. and the kid's name is SAILOR. that's a sweet name. I'm thinking it's a girl, but i'm not positive. her middle name is Ardith. i dunno where that came from but that's sweet too. Sailor Ardith Kensrue. awesome.

another reason I think it's a girl is because of the song "The Whaler." could be my favorite song off of the Water album, followed closely by Digital Sea. The Whaler's lyrics go like this:

My lover's arms,
they beg me to stay.
But I know the storms,
they will sweep me away.

My daughter's eyes,
they are two tiny seas,
whose water will rise
and then run down her cheeks.

"Father where do you go,
so far out upon the sea,
when are you coming home to me?"
"Darling why do you leave,
as the north wind begins to blow?
Will you be coming home to me?"

The boat and the blade,
they are all that I know;
the sea calls my name,
and so I must go.

And while they still sleep,
I slip out through the door;
but how can I leave,
with my anchors ashore?

"Father where do you go?
It's farther than I can see,
when are you coming home to me?"
"Darling why do you leave,
as the north wind begins to blow?
Will you be coming home to me?"

---
so good! i love the piano part in that song. such good music. i love the lines "but how can i leave, when my anchors ashore?" beautious.

the one quote i pulled off of wikipedia that i really liked from Dustin is what he says about making music and songs:

“I try to be an artist who aspires to find hope even in dark places: If I’m down, I don’t want to bring people down to that place with me. I’m looking for a way out."

To anybody that reads these words, anyone that sees me struggling in anything, do you I look like i'm still struggling when you see me face to face? I don't think that I do. No matter how down i might be feeling, i've still got a lot of happiness in my life. a lot of joy. When I look like i'm having fun and enjoying life, it's not a mask i'm hiding behind. I'm not secretly suffering inside.

I'm am entirely unwilling to let the tough parts about life get me down and keep me there. I am only in those dark places long enough to learn what i need, to think things through and then come out. I am not chained.

but we're all in this life together. Stand and feel your worth. Wrap yourself in Light.

this one is for my brain

the wind blows and brings strange things with it
is my slipping sentiment a sign of
survival?
sedation?
sacrifice of safety?
superficiality?

am i ready? am i even close?
much learned, much unknown.

it's tangled still.
spun together, threaded in knots.
pulling can either release or retighten.

i'm more than chemical reactions
not subject to sensation alone

have i been fooling myself for years?
can i change what other people think?
or are my thoughts powerless
and meaningless?

slip slip slip
thoughts start to slide
is disinterest dangerous or desirable?

"and when we couldn't stop the bleeding
we held our hearts over the flame"

fire is what?

sometime i'll understand the feeling and not the words
that's the intent.

but every single time i lay down and pull the covers over me
i never fail to remember. every time i remember.
the green and blue
they both keep me warm again now
as it should be, should have been
but i still remember.

candlelit catastrophe
not so distant death
calls and cancels
silent, secret, sleepless

i have a thing for dark hair. among other things.

i am happy every day.

beauty?

why has every day been so beautifully good?

i dunno, but i like it.
there have been hiccups in my mood here and there, but by the time the day is over i've basically forgotten it and i look back and see the day only as beautiful.

today i do remember though making up these four lines as i was walking around at work:

this struggle is not about ending,
this struggle means holding at bay,
the emotions that try to constrict me
the ones that would crush every day.


basically, i thought of the repeating cycle of my interest in relationships since 8th grade. the thought of "girlfriend" never even crossed my mind until i was in 8th grade. thank God for that haha. i mean, there were a few girls i "liked" way back then, but i never thought anything more about it. it was just "i like her" and never ever say anything to her about it. but ever since that 2 week or so long relationship, the height of which was hand holding one singular time at the movies, i've been in a pattern of sorts.
basically, there's always been girls that i've been interested in. different ones at different times, but since 8th grade i don't think there's ever been a time when there wasn't at least one girl on my mind. please don't think i'm obsessive haha. first in high school it was a girl with a boyfriend, (do i have a pattern/habit here too?) and she showed interest in me first. she claimed she was breaking up with him soon, but it didn't happen anytime soon, and when it did, she went to a different guy. that's a good thing, she would not have been good for me i'm sure.
after her there was a girl i was basically just friends with, but i liked her a little more than that. i mean, c'mon, she liked zelda like i did. haha what i dork i was/am/will be. nothing ever came of that. it was close... but nothing. i just wrote a poem or two about her but i think i kept them secret. awe shoot, i remember a poem i wrote for that first girl in high school, i think it was a pretty darn good one. i think it's lost forever though, i have no idea what it was like. i wish i had it back.
carrying on, there were girls i looked at/noticed but never did anything about. then fran came along. there was good and bad in that. 2 years (approximately) later i was working on forgetting about it when i met jo. that started about a year of the craziest patience i can ever remember having. she had a boyfriend at the time, but i was certain that if i waited long enough, that would change. eventually it did change but by then i had moved on. after that came my most recent relationship, which gave me visions of a future that all too quickly dissolved and faded, but not quickly enough to be forgotten about. ... yeah.

but this goes to show that there's always been a girl involved somewhere in my mind over the past 7 years. what would it be like if i didn't care about any girls? it's not like i go looking for them, i just happen to notice ones around me sometimes. i remember talking to rich once about this. is it really necessary to be always either with or pursuing someone? i don't think so, but what can you do about it? i'm worried i'll get caught up again in this pursuit. i guess i just need to consider everything in prayer. i've thought about making a kind of promise with myself/with God that i would stay single and not concern myself with girls in a "relationship" sort of way, and i would do this for a set period of time. i don't know though. i can't see any actual harm in it at all. but i don't know.

those 4 lines i wrote are about this inbetween time. this limbo between relationships where i miss being in one. the feeling isn't something that i'm waiting to go away, it's something that i look at every day and have to make a conscious decision to put aside in favor of the many things that are more important. if i do let it get to me, it can ruin much more than just a day. i'm happy that i know there are important things i've been learning as a result of my current situation. i'm resolved to not try to force any changes, but accept what comes.

where am i going?
i know where i've been.
what lies ahead?
what secrets within?
a long time or short
the waiting will be
i'm praying for patience
to trust, not to see.

bah i do lame little pieces of poetry sometimes haha. it just comes to me.

anyway, nick and i started making a church song tonight, it was super cool and fun. hopefully we'll be able to finish it soon. it's gonna need words, but i'd love to come up with them.

has this one been long?
i think so. goodnight.

here comes the sun

i'm loving the sunshine. so much.

it's crazy how different i feel when i wake up and the sun is shining. i'm less tired, i'm totally ready to get out of bed and start the day. it's fantastic.

so snow, your time is up. it feels like it's been an exceptionally long and cold winter, and i'm ready to be done with it. yeah!

today was good fun. work went well, my brother's birthday party was fun, i ate lots of food and was stuffed. after that i went over to scott's and we played smash bros into the night. co-op event match 21 is haaaarddd. we had one life each and we had to beat ALL of the smash bros characters in succession with no breaks. and come to think of it... no health items ever came out either... wicked.

i think that's all i've got for tonight. i stay up too late... i really do. heh.
peace to you.

life and Christian life

life:

great. today was much fun. worked, came home, did some homework, napped slightly, went to play broomball with the HH crowd. so much fun! well worth the $6 that's almost half of the money i have available for the week. heh. at work emily (girl i work with) gave me a free pizza slip because she didn't want hers. she says she needs to lose weight, and she shouldn't eat it. i was very happy because i had lost my pizza slip, and now i can eat at work tomorrow! fun fun all day long. it was SO nice out! it was like impossible to be anything but cheerful today, loved it.

about once a week or so, i realize something new about me or others or life that i didn't realize before, and time and again i know that I probably wouldn't have realized these things if I was still in a serious relationship. dealing with feelings and all that has been a struggle yeah, but it's a struggle that comes with it's own rewards in the end, it's own growth. I thank God that the decision to be single wasn't all left up to me, because I doubt I would have made the right choice at the time. on that note, i also need to pray that i don't rush into anything again. love is unsafe at any speed, of course, but i know that i especially need to watch myself. i've always been a big fan of trying to have mastery over myself. keeping myself patient and disciplined. i think i do alright, but i do have pitfalls.

topic change. Christian life:

i was reading a story about a pastor of a megachurch. his name is Rev Gregory Boyd and his church was asking him to endorse a political candidate, to allow republican biased voter pamphlets to be circulated in the church, to announce a rally against homosexuality or abortion, and things of that sort. he wouldn't do it, and in response he preached a series of sermons about how it is not the responsibility of the church to force people to do anything. he said “When the church wins the culture wars, it inevitably loses,” “When it conquers the world, it becomes the world. When you put your trust in the sword, you lose the cross.” it's not that he doesn't think things like abortion and homosexuality are wrong, but it's not up to Christians to try to impose laws that prohibit other people. Christianity is not meant to dominate lives, it's meant to support and care for lives. the pastor lost a lot of church members over this message, but the ones who remained thanked him.

when thinking about what a good Christian thing to do would be, imagine Jesus doing this thing. Does it seem appropriate and likely that He would be in this position? Would Jesus be picketing outside an abortion clinic calling women murderers? Would Jesus be lobbying in a political campaign to stop a proposition that takes "in God we trust" off of our money? I think Jesus would be doing more important things. Things involving real people, face to face, showing them love, teaching them.

going along with the reading i did about this "radical" pastor, i also recall a service at Mars Hill last month. Rob Bell did a service where he took on the role of paul in prison. he sat in his "cell" and talked to the guards who did their guardly duty and pretended to ignore him. the whole message was taken from Philippians 1:12-14. the passage is:
Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel. (13) As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. (14) Because of my chains, most of the brothers in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly.

Rob's entire discourse was based on these 3 verses. he talked to the guards as if he was Paul, just thinking out loud about the state of Christianity. it was because of the persecution the Christians were under that they were thriving. because of Paul being put in prison, people were preaching the Word more boldly. Christians were banding together because that is what they needed, each other. One of the last things Rob/Paul said went something like this, (from the best i could remember)
"you know what the worst thing would be, i think? if Christianity ever became dominant and powerful, if they ever became the sword and the law that Rome is now, if Christianity was forced on people. this religion, this group, thrives under persecution. it grows when it's in adversity. you step on one and they multiply beneath your feet. it would be a sad thing if the Christians became the ones doing the stepping."

after the message, there were some questions put up on the screen to think about, and one asked to compare Genesis 50:20 to the passage from Philippians. Genesis 50:20 is:
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." God has an amazing way of turning what seemed to be bad, what was supposed to be harmful, into something good. God can make good out of anything.

Christianity isn't meant to boss people around. It's about showing other people the love that Jesus Christ has showed us. When Christians start becoming the ones who are persecuting, we've moved far from the message Christ intended us to give. We are fighting, yes, but not for power. We're fighting to save lives, we are to teach and instruct, not force. It's our job to deliver the message, God does the work on hearts.

I pray that we all suffer through a little adversity. It's where Christianity came from. Know your roots.

hurried post

k i'm posting this before i go to work. and i need to leave in like 3 minutes.

i didn't post anything last night though i had planned on it, but now i don't remember if there was anything in particular I had wanted to say. i thought i had noticed something semi-important or interesting but now i dunno what it is.

i started coming up with another song yesterday, a hardcore one. inspired by my recent finishing of the Ronin Warriors series and my listening to Protest the Hero. here's a tidbit of what i've got so far, i think it'll be the chorus:

quake with fear!
give up your hope!
get used to tears and sleepless nights
a mind that always wants to fight

you sold your soul
forfeits untold
your misery won't end in death
but eternity
quake with fear!

-i'm liking it a lot. i just want to scream out that "quake, with, fear!" if you know ronin warriors, then you know what i'm talking about.

kk gotta go to work, cyaz.

decisions, decisions

so, i think i've decided not to record/post the song i've been working on.

i might record it actually, but keep it to myself for a while. i just think that now is not the time for it. i've admitted (i think) that it was a selfish endeavor, and i don't want to be that way right now. i'm at peace with this decision.

tonight i was playing some things that i had written down ages ago in a notebook. i used to write all the music i came up with in this notebook, mostly tabs. i discovered an almost full song in there, and nick and i played it a bit. i also found one little riff that sounded so familiar to me but i couldn't remember where it was from. i finally figured out it was part of what scott and tyler and i had first come up with while jamming together so long ago. i really liked that little tune. i think i'm going to make something more of it.

well, in the course of writing this blog, i forgot i was writing it and i ended up doing a lot of random things. read a chapter for homework, but stopped for like 10-15 minutes to look through boxes for a headphone->1/4 inch adapter. found 2 of them, but also found random stuff i forgot i had or had been looking for and forgot about. i found my calendar from last year. now for like the past 3 years, looking back at my calendar gives me a pretty decent overall reminder of how things went that year. i write a lot of little random stuff on the calendar about events that happened, often in some sort of abstract code that i'll have to struggle to remember the secret to.
concerts, work schedules, special events, memories i'll want to keep. that sort of stuff makes it on there. i think i had more to go on about this, but i forgot. weird. (also weird, when i went to type the word "weird" i typed "wrist" instead)

i need to go to bed. i had a soccer game tonight, i ran in it, i'm tired. tomorrow i'm taking my business law test, blech.

night.

standing tall, falling short

today was quite productive and pretty much all awesome.

i was up kinda late playing smash bros, but i went to philosophy class in the morning and i wasn't even tired during it. after that i spent about 2 hours watching business law videos. i'm going to attempt to take the test without having a book to study from. i'm praying that i won't need the book, since it's stupidly expensive.

hung around the house until HH time. the music went awesome today! i loved it so much. playing guitar is such a great joy for me. i want to be in a band and play on stage someday. like, i really REALLY want to. honestly, it's one thing that i can for sure say is a goal i want to accomplish. we shall see.

i wish i would know soon how this summer is going to happen for me. i want to know if i'm going to be leaving or not. there are sad parts about leaving and about staying. i think there's more that i'll miss if i'm gone for the summer, but then there's also more that i'll gain. if i'm home for the summer tho, i'm definitely making it a summer of music for me. i can't wait to drive my car with the windows down, blasting the music. glorious.

i was happy with how my mind handled things today. very happy actually, i was proud of myself. some potentially shattering information hit me much much less hard than i would have thought it would. maybe it's because i already went over the possibility in my mind. it's funny, if you think of every scenario, you're bound to be surprised when one you thought of comes true. i think in this case i was lucky i had thought of it already and went through the irrationality of getting worked up over it. healing is good. i've too often been one to keep my wounds open, not letting them heal properly, perhaps to show somebody the scar later. that's emo, i shouldn't do that. of course this is metaphorical.

i sometimes wish i lived up at grand valley. i've got cool friends who live up there, and i only get to see them like once a week. in a way, i feel like i'm not real friends with them because we don't get to hang out. it's sad. i feel like i'm not included with them or something, like i'm not really with them. this is probably a silly thought, but i had the thought today.

.... i think i'm a bad friend. i had that thought just this second. i sit at home most of the time, doing my own thing. i go to work, go to school, and i hang out with the people around me while i'm there, but that's almost all there is to it. i rarely, almost never, call people up, whether it's just to say hi or to hang out. why is that? i think i almost don't want to impose myself on anyone. like i don't want to suggest taking up their time. maybe that's why i don't feel i'm that close with my friends, i don't try to be close. sometimes i think i'm selfish with my time too.

oh God, what have i been doing? am i that unloving to my friends? i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i sit here in my room, i sit at my computer, i watch away messages change, facebook statuses update, i see pictures of friends together, and i miss them, and i still sit here watching.

i hate money, i hate gas, i hate being too busy. i hate all the excuses i could use for not being with my friends. today i just felt like hugging all of my friends. they don't know i really do love them, but i'm so stuck on myself. i'm thankful for the ones that hug me first. i need to start giving hugs more. i don't care if it's awkward or not. why is it awkward? whose fault is that? is this another product of society? society and all it's stupid ideas on proper and normal? i hate these limitations i let be put on me by things i don't even agree with.

i need to do something. now that i've realized this i can't just stay the same. God please give me strength to do something about this all.

looking good

so far these past two days have been super awesome fun and i love it. hopefully the rest of this week carries on with the momentum. quick recap:

sunday
-church
-guitar at church
-lunch with family (nobody else ever comes with me anymore it seems)
-work
--at work, won free cookies and muffins!
-- bought Brawl. Super Smash Bros Brawl. !!11!!1!
-brawl all night, wonderful. by the time i got into bed i was dead tired. slept fantastically
today(monday)
-work
--won free slice of pizza!
-band practice. went SO good. i'm super hyped to play tomorrow.
-went to the lowell's and hung out, like the old days. good times.
-home and feelin' fine

that list doesn't do justice to the amount of Cool that was contained in the last two days, but i want to keep it short this time.

on the negative side, i have less money than i thought i did. enough to make it, yeah, but it looks like the credit card bill is going to have to wait until next paycheck to be fully taken care of. and i can't wait for that next paycheck cuz i worked extra hours :)

my grandma/grandpa's 50th wedding anniversary is at the end of this month, the 30th i believe. my grandma has requested that i write and perform a song at it. yikes! it was a request and if it can't be fulfilled, she said that's ok. but i'm going to darn well try. i dunno if i'm going to go for something totally original, or go halfsies and use another song's music. i guess the worst case would be just covering a song. what kind of song would i even write? i'd have to mention grandma staying up until like 3am playing video games, and grandpa always taking me to get donuts. yeah, we'll see. if it happens, i'm sure my dad is going to have it on video, so it will probably find its way onto the internet. heh.

whelp, i should be going to bed now, i've got class in the morning.
but.
i think i'm going to go play a little brawl before bed. muahaha.

cya.

the here and now and maybe why

here's something slightly funny. last post i mentioned that i have been forgetting small things. i've also actually been remembering things, but the remembered stuff goes farther back in time.

blame it on state dependent memory, but i've been remembering small things about what life was like post-fran. albeit at that time far too much of my life was spent preoccupied in another world, (of warcraft) there's something important that i remembered after i got over my feelings for fran in specific. i remember that i wasn't just magically happy and i didn't just stop missing having a significant other and feeling loved by them. i was happy, but there were still things i missed. i think it's the same way for me right now. i'm happy, but there are still things i miss from the last relationship. and i don't think missing it is a bad thing, at least by itself. being obsessive over it is bad for sure, but that's not the place i'm at. i had forgotten that i never stopped missing a relationship, but missing it doesn't have to have a negative effect on me. i can take some time to remember the good things and know that i have that to look forward to in the future, someday. in short, i think i'm finally starting to exhale the bad side of things and breathe in the present. if you were never sad you wouldn't know the extent of happiness. sometimes, i just prefer to be sad for a bit, get it out of my system, then move on. it works i think.

second topic for the night. music. the music i like and why. more specifically, why i like the hardcore/metal and such. this is something i am remembering just recently as well. it wasn't until after things fell apart with fran that started listening to harder music. my tastes got progressively harder until it came to where i am today. to be quite honest, it makes me feel stronger. tougher. it pushes out my fears, anxiousness, sadness, and gives energy and strength. it's powerful, it's intense, it makes me feel alive. that's why i like it. it's not like i prefer this type of music exclusively, if anything my tastes have broadened a lot lately. but this is the reason why i came to it, and why i still like it.

all those slower songs, that almost always inevitably involve reflecting on relationships/breakups/girls/boys/being weak/helpless/sadness don't help me. if there's one thing i've realized lately, it's how much they can hinder me. those songs only stir up the feelings that i'm trying to move past. they don't heal, they remind me of what i miss and trap me in those memories. they can be great and i can enjoy them, but in the right time. i'm happy that i've come to notice this.

with this heavy, strong music comes the dancing. oh, the hardcore dancing. i say this for sure, i've felt truly alive in a unique way while flailing about on that concert floor. i know, i know, i know, it looks absolutely ridiculous, but i love it. it's so freeing, to just let go and dance dance dance. all your energy, all your passion flowing out of you as you just let it go. i've been to more than one concert where i've had my very own circle to dance in because everybody around me just backs off and throws weird looks my way. they also push me around if i get too close to them, which can result in some fun pinball action. i remember i danced so hard at a concert in chicago once that i very nearly passed out. i was a little sick and i got so tired and it got hard to breathe, but all the dancing that led up to that was awesome. just going all out, it's awesome. plus, you get hit/pushed and all that at concerts, and i think there's a part of me that likes pain a little. a little! i don't like getting punched in the stomach randomly for no reason, or getting kicked in the head. but i don't mind braving the pit. i'll be going to some concerts in town here over the next 2 months. if you want to see what it's about, come join me.

last thought. something else i've realized is that i think i'm unfit to guard my own heart. if my last relationship was all wrong and was never meant to last and will never become anything more in the future, then i think i'm absolutely not prepared and able to guard myself sufficiently. i was so swept up in everything, and i thought it was ok. i'm incredibly vulnerable i think, i'm predisposed to loving someone. i'm afraid that the wrong girl will come along and i'll get hooked all too easily and I won't see the wrong in it. luckily, i don't have to depend on just myself here. i can trust God, and i will. this is why i don't go looking for dates. i'm trusting that God will bring the right people along to me for the right reasons. it's lonely sometimes, but like i discussed earlier, being lonely for a while only makes it better when you end up with the right person.

if my words/thoughts/ramblings/ideas have any kind of positive effect on anyone, then it's worth me putting them down here. i'm not the only person alive with feelings. if seeing me walk/run/stumble blindly through them helps another person gain perspective, then i'm happy.

if i could share one piece of advice right now it would be don't love money.
love God. love each other. find what gives you joy, and if you can bring praise to God in some way as a result of what you're doing, i think you've found what you should do.

peace, all.

dreams

i had a dream last night, and i remember some of it. it's the second dream i remember having this week, which is a lot since i don't often remember my dreams these days it seems. typically when i have dreams that i remember, it's because my brain was working hard over the course of the day. like, it had been a pretty stressful day or maybe i was thinking a lot or learned a lot in school. i don't know what the reason has been this week. i haven't been stressed really and i don't think i've been thinking more than usual. although i did tell my mom that it seems like i've been forgetting small things lately, usually really small things that i'll forget within a minute of having heard. she said it's because i've got too much on my mind. it's possible, but i dunno.

so my dream last night, i don't remember a whole lot. i remember being downtown in a big city. it felt like san francisco but looked like grand rapids. i think i was in a group of people (it seems like alex had been there, but i'm not sure) walking around. then we were on a beach, walking along it. i think i remember construction on the beach. that i can blame on the science channel's show we were watching last night. then suddenly i was laying in my bed and kelley was there and she kissed me. that part of the dream lasted like 5 seconds and then i woke up. woke up about an hour before my alarm was supposed to go off, but thankfully i fell right back asleep.

the other dream i had earlier last week was more strange. at first i was walking across a bunch of indoor soccer fields. i think i was either looking for a game that i was supposed to ref, or me and the person i was with were just looking for a field to play on. i saw an interesting variation on soccer where 2 people played on just one small thin field. there was a small goal behind each person and they had to try to score on each other. 2 man soccer with a mini field and mini goals. it looked kinda fun. then the dream jumped to me being in a race, a footrace. but the race ran through a house and i had to zigzag through furniture and run down some stairs. it was like my mind's "camera" was fixed on that room in the house, and i'd only see myself when i ran through that room, which i did more than once. one time through the room, kelley was sitting on a table inside and she asked me for something. i stopped for a second, then said "i'll get it on the next time around" so when i made my circuit back through the room again i stopped and talked to her. she was laying on the table then and i laid down too and we just talked. that's all i remember.

i like remembering my dreams. i don't feel like my brain has been working hard enough or anything to warrant these dreams, but maybe there's a different reason for having them. anyway, i gotta go to work. peace out.

mm mm good

today was pretty good.

actually it didn't start off that great. hah.

got up, showered, good start. got to work. my supervisor informed me of a stupid new "policy" or idea or something that if cashiers don't get at least 3 members a day to upgrade to the executive membership, then they won't get to cashier anymore. yeah, lets see that one enforced. guess we're not going to have anybody cashiering within a week. i think today might have been the first time i actually directly talked back to my supervisor. we were super busy today for a while and he was trying to hand me a scanner gun so i could scan member's cards while also running the register. i told him i wouldn't do it, we're too busy. i've been really fast on register lately. if i have to stop and ask every member about upgrading their membership, my lane is going to slow waaay down. that's about the only thing i care about. shortly after my remark to my supervisor, i got put out on carts. i don't know if the talk back and the carts assignment were related or not :)

but carts was a nightmare. they didn't put anybody out there for 2 hours and then i got thrown out there by myself to clean it up. ugh. so not fun. oh well, builds character or something.

here's the top event that happened at work today. i brought a small package of m&m minis to work with me. little plastic tube-shaped bag of them. so while at work, i tear open the top of the package and pour some in my mouth. half of the bag's contents are in my mouth and i suddenly realize "this is NOT mini m&ms." it was koolaid mix. straight up tropical punch flavored powdered koolaid. and my mouth was quite full of it. at first i thought i could handle it, it's like a pixie stick right? wrong. i ended up running to the faucet in the break room and washing my mouth out under it. it was pretty funny.

after work i stopped by my parents house to drop off some movies and games. talked to my mom a bit, had some pumpkin pie. good stuff. went home and waited for david burkett to get here. he did, we played guitar hero then left to play in a soccer game. the game was great fun, i scored a goal ^_^ after that, went to see alex over at his friend's house. we played mario and sonic at the olympics. wow, that was fun, and tiring. the swimming one really really takes it out of you. i can still feel it in my arms. that had to have been so funny to watch. we talked and played scrabble until like 1am. good times.


so now i'm tired. real tired. time to go to sleep. do i have any thoughts to leave you with? not really. but i do want to give a lil shout out to alex. thanks for being a reader and telling me about it :)

to bed with me! morning shall come too early, i know it.

lulz and dishes

well, i was going to post the discussion between the captain and i about his theory of man = god. overnight or sometime today though he deleted me as a friend from myspace so i can't view his page anymore. so i can't get to the discussion.

seems like he doesn't like getting his views challenged.
or at least doesn't like having to respond intelligently to the challenge.
tony commented on that blog saying something like "i wonder if jarrod will find this. maybe he should start challenging others ideas instead of just defending his."
and so i came, i challenged, and i was ignored. that's ok with me.
but maybe tony is right, maybe i should challenge more. we'll see.

today was largely uneventful. i spent a large amount of time trying to get a p2p client working but in the end i just gave up. not counting music, file sharing historically wasn't a good thing for me. there are some files i just shouldn't give myself easy access to.

i've been listening to Justice today. they are pretty sweet. techno/house. sweet dance music. at least to me it is. man i want a concert to go to. closest one is march 28th it looks like. actually, 27th. out in detroit though. the devil wears prada and protest the hero. there's a band that west really likes that will be there too. he said i have to go and take him with. i might.

i've been compiling a list of concerts. here's what i've got:
march 27 - TDWP, Protest the Hero - Detroit
april 9 - tdwp again, but at skelletones
april 18 - La Dispute - skellies or the daac, i don't remember
april 24 - The Fall of Troy!!!! - intersection
may 10 - august burns red - orbit room
may 16 or 17 - Thrice!!!!! - in chicago

let me know if you're interested in going to any of these. maybe it can be made into an adventure. i'll probably have to facebook note post this list because really.... i have no idea how many people read this at all.

i did dishes tonight. all of them. i actually don't mind doing dishes. there's something about making them clean that i like. also, if i'm doing dishes for people that i like, it helps the motivation.

and now i'm going to work on the game i'm making. and i'm doing it because i enjoy it and it's fun, not just because it's for a class. finally, after 2 and a half years of college i'm doing homework because i enjoy it, not just because i have to get it done. thank you Flash.

peace.

decency

i am sleepy.
this may be brief.

today i realized that on wednesdays i spend 8 hours in the same room at school.
interesting. well, there is that 2 hour break between my 3 hour each classes, but today i don't think i even left the room that whole time. before class i went out and filmed some the downtown grand valley pew campus for a project. there's some cool looking stuff down there that i didn't know of. the fountain, a courtyard. nice.

school is going good. i still have to do massive catch up on that dumb business law class. the CC library is closed over spring break (go figure) so i'll have to do all of that stuff next week when i'm on my other spring break.

played some guitar tonight. played gutiar hero. and smash bros. and mario kart 64. good stuff. people were over. we smashed nick's acoustic guitar. it broke last night when it fell over. we also lit it on fire a little. that was against my advice. it's all on tape so it will most likely be youtubed sometime soon.

i felt peculiar this morning. in a good way. i felt really good, and while showering i wrote a poem. it's not done, but there's 4 lines.

i think a thief came while i slept
and stole some thoughts that once had kept
me up at night, o'er oft i wept
and suffered grief of future cleft


will it be finished? wait and see. motivation steers all.

i'm engaged in quite the discussion with my friend rob regarding religion/truth and such. i need to curb my desire to be "right" and "win" arguments. i'm thinking posting our messages back and forth here on the blog. mainly i've got a big problem with how he believes that each person decides/defines truth for themselves and truth is relative to each person. that would mean that there are no real concrete truths in the world. the very nature of a "truth" is that it is correct, not false. put in context: if I believe God exists, and somebody else believes that God does not exist, we cannot both be right. but the relativistic perspective says that truth is what we decide it is. this is seriously illogical, seeing as nothing can exist and not exist at the same time. it creates all sorts of contradictions.

i also made some comments on a friends blog that i found. he made a claim that man = god and he came up with proofs to back it up. i challenged his ideas and he hasn't responded to the challenge. he did respond, just with things that were irrelevant. i think i will post that here tomorrow, seeing as i'm pretty sure the discussion is over.

it's been a day. a good day.

who

it's easy for you or somebody else to say "just be yourself."

but before you can "be yourself" you have to figure out a much more difficult question regarding yourself:

"who am i?"

"an awful mangy looking young man"

i didn't write anything yesterday.
oh well.

today was pretty nice. woke up earlier than necessary. 15 minutes later i started getting text messages from numbers i didn't know saying things like "miss you honey" "miss you sweetie" "love you jarrod." i was like ...... how did west get multiple phones to do this with?
but it wasn't him. it was my mom having too much fun with erin and her mom. they were waiting for their flight to minnesota and decided to text me up. it made my morning more interesting.

went and had lunch with arif. man i love subway. for over a month now i've been forgetting to bring some of the gamecube games home for him. i really need to do that this week. arif is a pretty alright kid. his english *needs* to get better, but he does alright. i like him, and he appreciates me as a brother, which is cool. all of my adopted siblings really appreciate me. it's really nice to feel that love from them.

so i went to work, worked a good 6 hours. that's 6 hours extra this week that i wasn't scheduled for. i'm glad amber had her wisdom teeth out so i could take her shift and make more money. :) interesting occurrence at work today though. i finally got a comment written up about me by a member. i had been waiting for one. i'm not positive about it, but i'm pretty sure this is a serious comment from a very, obviously very serious person. the comment said as follows:

"On March 4 at 5:00 or 5:30 there was an awful mangy looking young man checking reciepts at the door. What a sorry representation; long hair in his eyes, flipping it all around to keep it out of his face.... ugh!"

wait for it...... aaaaand..... lol? my manager showed this note to me before he threw it away. he said, "jarrod, i've never had a problem with you, i just wanted to show you this." and he was laughing as he handed it to me. i kept the note. i might frame it, it's really funny. some lady was having a bad day or something. at first i wasn't sure what to think, i laughed, but my feelings were actually kind of hurt. but now i just laugh. compared to all the positive verbal comments i get on my hair from random people at costco, this is nothing. actually, i just realized that it's kinda nice that i get comments on it fairly often. :) the lady at subway today even said that she liked my long hair. i'm blessed. oh, and yesterday i totally worked the wrong shift of hours at work but nobody said anything about it and i didn't realize until long after i had gotten home. i came into work 2 hours early and worked an hour longer than i was supposed to and nobody seemed to have noticed...... weird.

and after work was.... PANCAKES! nick and emo and i had been waiting for this day for quite a while. in return for acquiring the piano from the old house and moving it into this house, kelley agreed to make pancakes for us all. and tonight the deal was fulfilled, and it was delicious. very satisfying. thank you kelley.

after all that was over emo and i had to solve the problem of me owing him money and his bank account being negative and i don't get paid until friday. we decided to take a shot at turning in all my spare change and all the empty bottles/cans we had in the house. we needed to net at least $70 for emo to have enough money to get by. we took the box full of cans out to the car and while walking across the yard the bottom of the box fell out. i couldn't stop laughing because i had just told emo to watch out so the bottom of the box doesn't drop. i also told him he should take a coat with us, but he didn't listen until we had to pick up all the cans from the ground. he should have listened to me all along. i just want to say, i don't like you, coinstar. you take 9 cents out of every dollar in change you count for me. ok, 8 and 9/10 of a cent, but that's just a lame way of saying 9 because you round up anyway i know it. i prayed that we'd make enough money to get by and it turns out that i had $98.27 in change with me. the cans got us about $12 also. we made enough! here's the receipt, which i think i'll keep
coinstar took out a lousy $8.75 fee for counting my money for me. i would have gladly counted it myself, especially to save $9, but oh well. it was a success, mission accomplished, we can afford to live!

that's all for tonight i think. i made up 2 guitar parts this evening that i like, hopefully i don't forget them. i bought a C.S. Lewis book from work on a whim, it's A Grief Observed. it will have to get in line behind the other lewis book i have to read after i finish this thomas merton book.

life is good. i'm very blessed. i have loving friends and family. lets pray for more sunshine tomorrow, lets banish this snow for the season! goodnight to you.

reh?

didn't have a good post title.

today was filled full. got up early, went to church (love that place) and lead the music in the absence of the lowells. went home for lunch (delicious). it was a small lunch table today. mom was in kzoo and nobody came with me today. went to work, got out 10 minutes early (woo) and went back to the 'rents house. pumpkin pie was supposed to be consumed, but it wasn't. it turns out the ready made pies still take a while to bake, then require TWO HOURS to cool. didn't happen. maybe tuesday. played a few rousing games of Uno with arif and selvije, good times. i was impressed by selvije's understanding of the game. she once ended a hand by putting down 3 cards at once because she knew that separately they would all instantly give her another turn so she would win anyway.

i like my family, a lot. i'm lucky to have siblings and to be the oldest. i appreciate my sisters and i like that they always make a big deal when i come home and they give me hugs. i'm sentimental sometimes. or a lot of times, your choice.

time to rest now. there are things to be done tomorrow. such as a jam session! my old friend Ian from middle school came into Costco today and we randomly such up a time to jam tomorrow. i always inwardly lament about how i wish i could jam with a drummer, i know so few of them. ian has been playing since i knew him in middle school, so i'm pretty positive he's got skillz. and him coming into costco today while i happened to be standing right at the door seems to coincidental to be a coincidence. i think good things can happen.

rock on. God rules. goodnight.