like it was

now i'm in familiar territory. this feeling is where i was before. before the bright lights, late nights, yesterdog, gun shots, that wii.

it's been easier than i thought, letting it go. of course maybe that's because once i opened my hand i fully realized that there wasn't anything in my grasp anyway.

but i think now i can say that i need some space. space, what i was so afraid of. space is empty, alone, cold... just what it needs to be sometimes. tuesday will be a brutal crash test, i almost wish to avoid it. it's sad that i feel like some of my friendships are now diminished because they're no longer channeled through her.

it is good, so good, to finally have a direction. here is the path, i am taking it. i'll glance over my shoulder for only a little longer, some part of me wishing to see a friendly face waving back, whether in hello or goodbye. maybe the path will bend and stop me from such things. i don't know where the road leads, but the important part is that i'm on it, that's what matters.

my problem hasn't been doing something, it's been deciding what to do. i can do anything once i decide to do it, but sometimes i'm really bad at deciding. now i found out what i needed to know, and i'm walking.

this is the part that is maybe the most upsetting for me. how will i ever be able to tell if a girl is "the best" or just "the best so far." i failed this time. it was only by God's grace through her that
it ended. i don't think i would have done it myself. but, there then is my answer i suppose. God's grace. I can't figure it out on my own. My own will isn't going to lead me to the right person, I need to follow God's plan. I'll have to trust that God will show me somehow if i'm doing it wrong, like He did this time.

i'm at least five times more determined to do things right next time. the bar for quality has been raised 700%. now that i know there's more, i won't settle for less. maybe that's the most important thing to remember.

-oh, and today went great with my grandparent's anniversary. saw lots of family, including my two cousins that live in oklahoma, it was really nice. family is love. the song i wrote for the occasion was warmly received. a video will probably be forthcoming sometime soon. we'll see.

peace be with us all.