the subject of outpouring

does pouring everything out here or elsewhere help?
will i eventually run dry? (is it a good or bad thing if i do?)
or will i continue to empty myself, but never be empty?

if i could bring myself to be angry with you
and then if i would manage to yell at you
i would yell at you for ruining everything.

i would scream "it's your fault!"
it's your fault.
your fault that everything is less without you
your fault that the moments without you are inferior to the ones with
your fault days are dimmer, diminished, derelict when minus you

that's all i have to be angry about.
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i feel that last night's ramblings were an accurate and also inaccurate assessment of myself. some of it may be largely a result of my mood and sleepiness at the time. oh well.

i think i'm picking a path for myself. i talked to rich about it, and he seems to think it's an ok way to go. no further comments on it, but i'm going to see how it works out. i'll start the game myself, my own rules. ready, set, go.

i need to get busy. the nature of my homework this semester is really lax and free. i have stuff to do, but very little in the way of due dates to complete the stuff by. i need to start really working on things, and that starts this week. hopefully. haha.
i wish i could hang out, hang around here with everybody that i have so much fun with. i want time to slow up, i want to wait around here to be with them. but i can't do that. if i wait around, then i'll be left when everybody else moves on. i need to keep moving too. i'd like to express total agreement with kelley's idea that all our friends should live in a community together so we won't have to leave each other. if only.

i'm reading C.S. Lewis' book, A Grief Observed. i have to return my two other books to the library because i've had them too long. perhaps i'll get them back again soon. but anyway, i bought this Lewis book randomly while at work one day. i saw it sitting with the other books, and i just picked it up and bought it. it's mostly things he journaled and his thoughts while dealing with the loss of his wife. he married her while they both knew full well that she had cancer and would die. they had 4 years together as husband and wife, that's all. it's sad. the book is very short, i'll have it done soon i think. the value of this book i think is coming to me from seeing this great, great man struggle. seeing him go through this, questioning things and basically fighting with his own thoughts and feelings... it's comforting to see that somebody else goes through tough times too. part of this is why i feel like i should continue to "struggle out loud" here. i have no idea how many people read these words. i'm always surprised when somebody mentions something about this little collection of my thoughts. but if even just one person sees that i'm admitting that my life isn't full of roses alone, that there are thorns as well, and they see that i'm not ignoring the thorns, i'm facing them... and if that gives this one person any sort of encouragement, it's been worth my time.
i've felt the relief of seeing and therefore really knowing that others wrestle with feelings like i do.
so. see jarrod run. see jarrod trip and fall. see jarrod stand up again, even if it means tripping some more. i hope that's what it looks like haha.

i hope i don't look like i think i'm more important than i am. just...
to share and be shared to. that's what i want.