evening most glorious (and goals)

well, on the drive home tonight, i decided that i know what makes me feel Alive and not just living.

his house band practice was so good. soooo good! playing guitar was so incredibly fun tonight. the songs were awesome, i was singing, i was playing, i felt great. it doesn't get any better than times like those.

what makes me feel alive?
it's the music in my soul
it's the songs that don't sound the same without your voice
it's the expression of joy and passion through instruments
it's the friends i love

music is so awesome. i'm so incredibly blessed that i've been given the talent and ability to play it myself. i never want to quit playing/writing/creating/loving music. practice to me tonight was perfection.

on to something else.

i don't have solid goals for my life. i think.
the fact that i'm not sure if i have goals means that i probably don't.

here is what i can think of that i want at some point in my life (in order they come to mind, not order of importance):
- Play a show at a venue, on a stage, playing songs i wrote or helped to write
- Marry and have a family
- Write something that gets published
- Make a game that people want to play
- Do God's will for my life.

now wait a second. i might as well stop at this point in the list, because after stating that I want to do God's will for my life, the other things that I want fall to the side. If God intends for me to stay single and celibate for my whole life, then so be it (but please no...). If i'm never meant for more in music than playing in church and jamming with friends, then i can be happy in that. My own life and the direction it goes isn't of the utmost importance to me. It's the living that happens on the way that i care more about. I do worry about things sometimes, but ultimately much of it is out of my hands. I just pray about it and see how things turn out, and so far i've led a pretty blessed life. ridiculously blessed at times it seems. so i don't think i'm doing things that are wrong for my life.
i really doubt this is something that works for everybody. i'm really a "go with the flow" kind of person. it works for me. it doesn't mean that i don't do anything, just to clear that up.

motivation is kinda tricky for me, i've learned. i'm not so good at doing things for myself, even if it's something that's good for me. when i'm doing something for somebody else, that's when i get into it more. i'm happy making other people happy. in retrospect, maybe that's why the relationship with fran lasted longer than it should have. she spent a lot of time being unhappy, but there were those times when i would make her happy and it would make me happy as well. that's how i stayed hooked, i concocted the addiction and swallowed it too. maybe that's what nick is doing, but that's a whole 'nother discussion.

i think this lack of major concern about the direction i'm heading in adds to the fact that i'm quite changeable/flexible/adaptive. without my own desire for a shape, i mold myself into other things easily. i think that this will help me to accept the path God has planned for me when it's revealed to me.

do i sound crazy? if i look at this a certain way, i think i see myself saying that i'm unmotivated (therefore lazy), i don't have a definite idea of my own identity, and i base my happiness on other people. but i don't think that's true. maybe part of this is my sleepiness talking.

if things start taking turns for the worse, i guess i'll re-evaluate my strategy. but the saying "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" is a pretty solid argument for some things. some things.

yep, i'm climbing into bed. goodnight to you.