you know this makes you stronger

i frustrate myself sometimes.

i want to pray that i'll just forget.
would that one be answered?

what hardest is seeing life go on, and being able to picture myself still involved there. i would be along for the ride if things were still the same, and i would love it.

i can't keep getting hung up on this though.
wrong direction, too quickly.
i need to remember that.

i'm good at playing the waiting game, as long as i know that i'm playing it.
am i now?
time, you are ruthless and never give up your secrets until they come to pass.

speaking of time, today i read about the theory of warp drives (yeah, star trek) and how it's related to the space/time continuum. i thought it was fascinating. i relearned about how time is actually relative to a person. funny thing is, we talked about that today in philosophy class also.
the faster you are going, the slower time moves for you. scientists sent an atomic clock into space and it came back with a time behind that of atomic clocks kept here. time slowed down for the clock. that's nuts!

this makes it easier, in my opinion, to argue that God operates on a level independent of time. if time were a line drawn on paper, God would be the paper the line was drawn on. He can know the past, present and future because he is outside the influence of it. just because God knows that a thing will happen or a person will make a certain choice doesn't mean that He caused it to happen or forced that choice to be made. interesting.

Praise God for music and how it makes me feel better. Nick and I are writing a worship song and it's coming along nicely. we've got an intro, chorus and first verse written with lyrics and all. the music is almost finished because a lot of it is repeated in other verses and such. i'm really happy to be able to do this with Nick. we want to see about playing this song in church sometime, and Nick is playing guitar with me on it, so we'll need a bassist....(*cough* Alex *cough*) :)

after jamming i got into a religious argument via youtube comments on a video. some guy randomly commented "70% of Christians say they struggle with pornography in their daily lives"
whether or not it's true isn't really my concern. somebody responded to him saying things like "where did you get your facts, where did that survey come from, i don't struggle with it."
i felt the need to put in my own response, chiming in with some of what we talked about at His House today. i said that Christians aren't perfect, did he expect them to be? there was more to it, but that was the basic idea. We're imperfect but we're trying. the naysayer commented back saying how god made us with a sex drive so we're supposed to use it, and went on about how he likes to masturbate and it's healthy. i replied basically with "we're called to live differently than the rest of the world. we have free choice to follow God or not follow him, no matter what our sinful nature entices us to do. he didn't respond back. the guy who was questioning the facts of the 70% was going about the "argument" all the wrong way. he made a couple more comments that were just challenging and defensive. it's exactly what the naysayer wanted, to get a rise out of somebody.
when you are having a discussion as a group of people, sometimes there's people on your side of the argument that you wish were not.

so tonight is over and i'm still feeling a tad bit frustrated with my own mind. this is new to me, i'm still figuring out what to do.
medicine is bitter. what's good for you doesn't always go down easy.
blech, i dislike medicine.

i need to be praying more consistently. i start thinking i'm doing just fine and then i fall back into something like earlier tonight.

this just occurred to me. (i'm not going to use names) i have a friend that's about to face the difficult task of breaking up with his girlfriend. he knows it needs to be done, and he's going to do it, but i don't envy the loneliness that i know he's going to feel for a while. maybe i'm struggling through my issues so i'll be better able to understand what he's going through, and i can be there for him. i sure feel like i'll be able to be there and be understanding for somebody.

teach me, God. let me learn what I need to know, and be with me through my dark walks. show me where to turn when i've gotten so dizzy that i don't know which direction to go in. Amen.