standing tall, falling short

today was quite productive and pretty much all awesome.

i was up kinda late playing smash bros, but i went to philosophy class in the morning and i wasn't even tired during it. after that i spent about 2 hours watching business law videos. i'm going to attempt to take the test without having a book to study from. i'm praying that i won't need the book, since it's stupidly expensive.

hung around the house until HH time. the music went awesome today! i loved it so much. playing guitar is such a great joy for me. i want to be in a band and play on stage someday. like, i really REALLY want to. honestly, it's one thing that i can for sure say is a goal i want to accomplish. we shall see.

i wish i would know soon how this summer is going to happen for me. i want to know if i'm going to be leaving or not. there are sad parts about leaving and about staying. i think there's more that i'll miss if i'm gone for the summer, but then there's also more that i'll gain. if i'm home for the summer tho, i'm definitely making it a summer of music for me. i can't wait to drive my car with the windows down, blasting the music. glorious.

i was happy with how my mind handled things today. very happy actually, i was proud of myself. some potentially shattering information hit me much much less hard than i would have thought it would. maybe it's because i already went over the possibility in my mind. it's funny, if you think of every scenario, you're bound to be surprised when one you thought of comes true. i think in this case i was lucky i had thought of it already and went through the irrationality of getting worked up over it. healing is good. i've too often been one to keep my wounds open, not letting them heal properly, perhaps to show somebody the scar later. that's emo, i shouldn't do that. of course this is metaphorical.

i sometimes wish i lived up at grand valley. i've got cool friends who live up there, and i only get to see them like once a week. in a way, i feel like i'm not real friends with them because we don't get to hang out. it's sad. i feel like i'm not included with them or something, like i'm not really with them. this is probably a silly thought, but i had the thought today.

.... i think i'm a bad friend. i had that thought just this second. i sit at home most of the time, doing my own thing. i go to work, go to school, and i hang out with the people around me while i'm there, but that's almost all there is to it. i rarely, almost never, call people up, whether it's just to say hi or to hang out. why is that? i think i almost don't want to impose myself on anyone. like i don't want to suggest taking up their time. maybe that's why i don't feel i'm that close with my friends, i don't try to be close. sometimes i think i'm selfish with my time too.

oh God, what have i been doing? am i that unloving to my friends? i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i sit here in my room, i sit at my computer, i watch away messages change, facebook statuses update, i see pictures of friends together, and i miss them, and i still sit here watching.

i hate money, i hate gas, i hate being too busy. i hate all the excuses i could use for not being with my friends. today i just felt like hugging all of my friends. they don't know i really do love them, but i'm so stuck on myself. i'm thankful for the ones that hug me first. i need to start giving hugs more. i don't care if it's awkward or not. why is it awkward? whose fault is that? is this another product of society? society and all it's stupid ideas on proper and normal? i hate these limitations i let be put on me by things i don't even agree with.

i need to do something. now that i've realized this i can't just stay the same. God please give me strength to do something about this all.