the here and now and maybe why

here's something slightly funny. last post i mentioned that i have been forgetting small things. i've also actually been remembering things, but the remembered stuff goes farther back in time.

blame it on state dependent memory, but i've been remembering small things about what life was like post-fran. albeit at that time far too much of my life was spent preoccupied in another world, (of warcraft) there's something important that i remembered after i got over my feelings for fran in specific. i remember that i wasn't just magically happy and i didn't just stop missing having a significant other and feeling loved by them. i was happy, but there were still things i missed. i think it's the same way for me right now. i'm happy, but there are still things i miss from the last relationship. and i don't think missing it is a bad thing, at least by itself. being obsessive over it is bad for sure, but that's not the place i'm at. i had forgotten that i never stopped missing a relationship, but missing it doesn't have to have a negative effect on me. i can take some time to remember the good things and know that i have that to look forward to in the future, someday. in short, i think i'm finally starting to exhale the bad side of things and breathe in the present. if you were never sad you wouldn't know the extent of happiness. sometimes, i just prefer to be sad for a bit, get it out of my system, then move on. it works i think.

second topic for the night. music. the music i like and why. more specifically, why i like the hardcore/metal and such. this is something i am remembering just recently as well. it wasn't until after things fell apart with fran that started listening to harder music. my tastes got progressively harder until it came to where i am today. to be quite honest, it makes me feel stronger. tougher. it pushes out my fears, anxiousness, sadness, and gives energy and strength. it's powerful, it's intense, it makes me feel alive. that's why i like it. it's not like i prefer this type of music exclusively, if anything my tastes have broadened a lot lately. but this is the reason why i came to it, and why i still like it.

all those slower songs, that almost always inevitably involve reflecting on relationships/breakups/girls/boys/being weak/helpless/sadness don't help me. if there's one thing i've realized lately, it's how much they can hinder me. those songs only stir up the feelings that i'm trying to move past. they don't heal, they remind me of what i miss and trap me in those memories. they can be great and i can enjoy them, but in the right time. i'm happy that i've come to notice this.

with this heavy, strong music comes the dancing. oh, the hardcore dancing. i say this for sure, i've felt truly alive in a unique way while flailing about on that concert floor. i know, i know, i know, it looks absolutely ridiculous, but i love it. it's so freeing, to just let go and dance dance dance. all your energy, all your passion flowing out of you as you just let it go. i've been to more than one concert where i've had my very own circle to dance in because everybody around me just backs off and throws weird looks my way. they also push me around if i get too close to them, which can result in some fun pinball action. i remember i danced so hard at a concert in chicago once that i very nearly passed out. i was a little sick and i got so tired and it got hard to breathe, but all the dancing that led up to that was awesome. just going all out, it's awesome. plus, you get hit/pushed and all that at concerts, and i think there's a part of me that likes pain a little. a little! i don't like getting punched in the stomach randomly for no reason, or getting kicked in the head. but i don't mind braving the pit. i'll be going to some concerts in town here over the next 2 months. if you want to see what it's about, come join me.

last thought. something else i've realized is that i think i'm unfit to guard my own heart. if my last relationship was all wrong and was never meant to last and will never become anything more in the future, then i think i'm absolutely not prepared and able to guard myself sufficiently. i was so swept up in everything, and i thought it was ok. i'm incredibly vulnerable i think, i'm predisposed to loving someone. i'm afraid that the wrong girl will come along and i'll get hooked all too easily and I won't see the wrong in it. luckily, i don't have to depend on just myself here. i can trust God, and i will. this is why i don't go looking for dates. i'm trusting that God will bring the right people along to me for the right reasons. it's lonely sometimes, but like i discussed earlier, being lonely for a while only makes it better when you end up with the right person.

if my words/thoughts/ramblings/ideas have any kind of positive effect on anyone, then it's worth me putting them down here. i'm not the only person alive with feelings. if seeing me walk/run/stumble blindly through them helps another person gain perspective, then i'm happy.

if i could share one piece of advice right now it would be don't love money.
love God. love each other. find what gives you joy, and if you can bring praise to God in some way as a result of what you're doing, i think you've found what you should do.

peace, all.