beauty?

why has every day been so beautifully good?

i dunno, but i like it.
there have been hiccups in my mood here and there, but by the time the day is over i've basically forgotten it and i look back and see the day only as beautiful.

today i do remember though making up these four lines as i was walking around at work:

this struggle is not about ending,
this struggle means holding at bay,
the emotions that try to constrict me
the ones that would crush every day.


basically, i thought of the repeating cycle of my interest in relationships since 8th grade. the thought of "girlfriend" never even crossed my mind until i was in 8th grade. thank God for that haha. i mean, there were a few girls i "liked" way back then, but i never thought anything more about it. it was just "i like her" and never ever say anything to her about it. but ever since that 2 week or so long relationship, the height of which was hand holding one singular time at the movies, i've been in a pattern of sorts.
basically, there's always been girls that i've been interested in. different ones at different times, but since 8th grade i don't think there's ever been a time when there wasn't at least one girl on my mind. please don't think i'm obsessive haha. first in high school it was a girl with a boyfriend, (do i have a pattern/habit here too?) and she showed interest in me first. she claimed she was breaking up with him soon, but it didn't happen anytime soon, and when it did, she went to a different guy. that's a good thing, she would not have been good for me i'm sure.
after her there was a girl i was basically just friends with, but i liked her a little more than that. i mean, c'mon, she liked zelda like i did. haha what i dork i was/am/will be. nothing ever came of that. it was close... but nothing. i just wrote a poem or two about her but i think i kept them secret. awe shoot, i remember a poem i wrote for that first girl in high school, i think it was a pretty darn good one. i think it's lost forever though, i have no idea what it was like. i wish i had it back.
carrying on, there were girls i looked at/noticed but never did anything about. then fran came along. there was good and bad in that. 2 years (approximately) later i was working on forgetting about it when i met jo. that started about a year of the craziest patience i can ever remember having. she had a boyfriend at the time, but i was certain that if i waited long enough, that would change. eventually it did change but by then i had moved on. after that came my most recent relationship, which gave me visions of a future that all too quickly dissolved and faded, but not quickly enough to be forgotten about. ... yeah.

but this goes to show that there's always been a girl involved somewhere in my mind over the past 7 years. what would it be like if i didn't care about any girls? it's not like i go looking for them, i just happen to notice ones around me sometimes. i remember talking to rich once about this. is it really necessary to be always either with or pursuing someone? i don't think so, but what can you do about it? i'm worried i'll get caught up again in this pursuit. i guess i just need to consider everything in prayer. i've thought about making a kind of promise with myself/with God that i would stay single and not concern myself with girls in a "relationship" sort of way, and i would do this for a set period of time. i don't know though. i can't see any actual harm in it at all. but i don't know.

those 4 lines i wrote are about this inbetween time. this limbo between relationships where i miss being in one. the feeling isn't something that i'm waiting to go away, it's something that i look at every day and have to make a conscious decision to put aside in favor of the many things that are more important. if i do let it get to me, it can ruin much more than just a day. i'm happy that i know there are important things i've been learning as a result of my current situation. i'm resolved to not try to force any changes, but accept what comes.

where am i going?
i know where i've been.
what lies ahead?
what secrets within?
a long time or short
the waiting will be
i'm praying for patience
to trust, not to see.

bah i do lame little pieces of poetry sometimes haha. it just comes to me.

anyway, nick and i started making a church song tonight, it was super cool and fun. hopefully we'll be able to finish it soon. it's gonna need words, but i'd love to come up with them.

has this one been long?
i think so. goodnight.